Dear Evokun:

I apologize, I forgot to return to you four days ago. Thank you for posting again, glad you did! This is my reply to your third post of June 2: “her exes know her address and she always received gifts from them.. despite them already married”. The more you share about her, the worse she looks.

You wrote: “I can’t blame her but pity her. She’s of a broken home background (husband cheated), raised by her mum, taught to stand up for herself without needing any man.. she herself divorced (husband cheated) and 3 failed relationships after that”-

– “standing up for herself without needing any man” doesn’t fit with “she always received gifts from (married men)”. Receiving a gift is one part of a two-way interaction, so what was it that she gave the men before, or after receiving the gifts, is the question. Her broken home, societal discrimination as a single or divorced woman, etc., she deserves empathy for these things, for other people hurting her,  but she does not deserve empathy for hurting others. Your responsibility to yourself is to not make yourself available for another to hurt you, regardless of their backgrounds.

“I’m attracted to her because she has qualities like my mum but also, not like my mum.. Hardworking, eating healthy, food conversationalist, informative, physically good looking, non-religious, independent.. I don’t really care if she smokes, throw a bit of tantrum”- I suggest you do care if a woman you consider marrying smokes and throws tantrums because second hand smoke is dangerous to you and to children, if you were to have children with a smoking woman. Also, children gets scared when their mother throws tantrums!

“My father meant well, but in my view he’s wrong about everything in his relationship advice. I still won’t let them decide who I should marry but I’m definitely more wiser after this experience and won’t settle for lesser quality women now that I know her. The only problem is her qualities are near impossible to find”-

– your father was wrong with regarding the reason why he thought you shouldn’t pursue this woman further (her having a child while not married), and he didn’t know her beyond that one detail, so he can’t have any relevant input about her. I am glad to read that you are wiser for this experience and that you will be deciding who you marry!

Regarding not finding the qualities you liked about her in other women- let’s say you meet a woman who is not as informative as her- maybe she will be interested in becoming more informative. Being uninformed on any particular topic doesn’t have to be a permanent quality. If you meet a woman who is religious, maybe she is not very religious and you will be able to live with a little religion.

Good to read that you’ve been feeling good in recent days.

anita