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My parents costed me my happiness

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  • #356997
    Evokun
    Participant

    Hi everyone, I’m a Chinese Indonesian currently living with my parents.

    I met this girl through a dating app. I’m 34 and she’s 32. She’s a single mum, living in Bali with a 5 years old daughter this year. Very fun personality, smart, great body, able to bring any conversation unlike anyone I’ve met, and cancer survivor. She’s an agnostic, perfect for an Atheist like me. Because of this pandemic we can only do video calls. She would always initiate the call everyday and I rarely have to. After a few weeks together, I started to have feelings for her and she noticed it too. She almost left me knowing my feelings, but I convinced her otherwise. Why the fear, you asked? Single mothers are unfairly labeled negatively here in Indonesia (do your research) and she has 3 failed relationship before me, citing parental objection because of her status.

    After happily accepting our newfound love for each other, our bond grew stronger. We video call even more often, around 2-3 times a day (we do take a break from time to time) and I love it. My schedule is pretty hectic everyday but I always try my best to answer her call and came up with our own schedule. I deleted all my dating apps. Sometimes, being a girl, she like to test me by pretending to be mad about small things and wanting to break up but I handle it well. We open up a lot more about anything in our lives, planning our future, where to live, sharing the same views about weddings, what are we gonna do when we finally meet around June. I’ve never felt such strong connection with anyone before even if it’s just video calling. But one major problem still hasn’t been solved. My family’s blessing with her.

    She wanted me to tell my parents about her. I never liked my parents to get involved in my personal affairs because of how toxic they can be but for her sake I did it anyway. Knowing my mum, I decided to tell my dad (advanced-stage cancer riden) first. He initially said no but when I showed her picture, only then he had mixed feelings (traditional Chinese people stupid judging beliefs, you see). Then a few days later, he tried to convince me to break it up with her by talking shit about her background and status. All the shit talk of judging someone negatively without having even meeting her at all and getting to know them, best father you can ever have. I didn’t tell my mum because I know she wouldn’t agree. If she knows about it she’ll probably get seriously ill because she also has to take care of my dad. Then I did the most regretful thing.

    I told her about what my dad said because I can’t lie. I’m taught that we can’t lie in a relationship but I quickly regretted it. She cried. And then I also can’t help but cried as well realizing my mistake. We know if my family doesn’t agree with us being together, her mum (also single mother) also won’t agree. We thought it was the end of the relationship so we stayed on video calling up till dawn and we are both tired.

    Then more shit started to happen. My family’s company is about to collapse. My uncle (main director) ran off to Australia and refused to pay sallary to the workers. He wanted my father (the shareholder) to bear all the responsibility. I told her about it and she, being knowledgeable in legal rights, told me what to do. I became even more convinced that this girl is someone that I wanted to marry. But my life took turn for the worst. After a family meeting discussing the future of the company and the steps needed to take, I felt a certain stress within my heart. Me and my girl video called for the last time.

    We knew each other since 7th April and then as of 17th May, she told me we needed a break (she didn’t say break up) under her mum’s advice. At first I was confused for a few days after she said that because it felt like we actually broke up since she never stated how long is the break. I started to feel greatly unmotivated during work. A week after she said that, I asked her if it was actually a break up, she said “You can call it whatever you like…, you have to focus on your company and dad’s health. Besides, none of your family likes me. What can I do? Force them to accept me? You know that’s almost impossible. No matter how much you love me, you can’t just throw everything you have now just to be with me”. I was still confused, then I asked again if she actually truly loved me “Yes. But what can I do? Your life can’t accept someone like me”. Then her texts became vague “When I become nobody to you, then you have to get used to with my bitter side”, so I replied that she’ll always be somebody to me. Then I asked her if we’ll ever meet each other, she just coldy replied “Dunno… depends on you”. It took me a few more days to finally believed that it was over…

    I was lucky that there were holiday here for 3 days celebrating Muslim new year because my sleep timing became fucked due to how devastated I was (slept late, woke up late)so I used it to rest. I did use the holiday to spend time to socialize with friends and relatives, hoping to ease the pain but then it always came back stronger than before. Today, before writing this, I slumped to the floor of my home on my knees because my head feels so heavy and my body feels so weak. Luckily no one was around and I forced myself back up before anyone noticed. I had to take my dad for hospital check up today and I walked around with empty face and fear they’ll notice. I lost appetite and probably can go for days without food. The only one to notice what’s wrong with me is my mum, I told her I’m fine. Even as I’m writing this, I had to endure the pain because I have to check back all her WhatsApp texts and reminisce of the wonderful conversations we had together to tell you this story. The pain may be gone now but it will come back before I know it and could sometimes be so strong I can’t even feel anything. I dunno if it’s actually depression or not because I am planning to see a psychologist in a hospital to get myself checked. I don’t think they’ll be able to help me which is why I’m turning to this forum for advice.

    I thank you for your time to read my story…

    #357209
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Evokun:

    I just became aware of your thread. I will read it and reply when I am back to the computer in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    #357243
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Evokun:

    You are a 34 year old Chinese- Indonesian man. On April 7, you met a 32 year old single mother of a 5 year old living in Bali (a province in Indonesia, Indonesia main tourist destination). She is “Very fun personality, great body, able to bring any conversation unlike anyone I’ve met, and cancer survivor.. an agnostic”, and your relationship took place via video calls because of the pandemic.

    As a single mother in Indonesia she suffers discrimination, the reason why her three previous relationships failed- the men’s parents objecting to marriage with a single mother. After some time, you both had feelings for each other, you deleted all your dating apps, and the two of you video called 2-3 times a day, going as far as planning your future, “where to live, sharing the same views about weddings, what are we gonna do when we finally meet around June”. You didn’t bother telling your mother about the relationship, “know(ing)she wouldn’t agree.. she’ll probably get seriously ill”. You told your advanced-stage cancer suffering father about the woman in your life: he “initially said no.. then he had mixed feelings.. Then a few days later, he tried to convince me to break it up with her”.  When you told your girlfriend about your father’s reactions, she cried, and you cried as well.

    Next, your uncle ran off to Australia and the family’s company was about to collapse. Your girlfriend, being knowledgeable in legal right, told you what to do, trying to help your family business.

    May 17, a month and ten days of a video calls/ long distance relationship, she told you that she “needed a break.. under her mum’s advice”. A week later, you asked her if she meant a breakup, and she said: “You can call it whatever you like.. you have to focus on your company and dad’s health. Besides, none of your family likes me. What can I do? Force them to accept me? You know that’s almost impossible. No matter how much you love me, you can’t just throw everything you have now just to be with me.. Your life can’t accept someone like me”. When you asked her if the two of you will ever meet again, she replied: “Dunno.. depends on you”.

    You lost your appetite and you are miserable.

    My input: what she told you is very reasonable. When she said “depends on you”, to me it means that she gave you the option of either successfully convincing your parents to approve of a marriage with her, or going against your parents and proceeding with your plans of marriage without your parents’ consent.

    You didn’t proceed to do either; you didn’t confront the issue she brought up to you and instead, you ignored it. If you were to confront the issue, you would figure out for yourself if this short but meaningful long distance relationship with her is worthy enough for you to take some action on the matter.

    What do you think about my input?

    anita

    #357254
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Evokun,

    Well, it sounds like she’s taking out her feelings of being culturally “bad news” out on you! If all these Asian men have this attitude toward single mothers, she should try to get with someone outside her culture.

    I’m hopelessly Western, so I don’t “get” this whole cultural scene. If you don’t acquire the parents’ blessing, will you be thrown out of the family company? Can you still legally get married?

    The way I see it you either really want the marriage or the wedding. She KNOWS no one is going to accept her, so why not side step everyone and simply get married at town hall? (My Western upbringing is showing). Everyone will get mad and upset. Let them.

    The ONLY consideration is could you support the child? Are you strong enough to strike out on your own if need be?

    And reality check: This relationship has only lasted a month through video chat. If it failed so swiftly, maybe good??

    Best,

    Inky

    #357423
    Evokun
    Participant

    Hi Anita. Thx for the reply.

    I never said I ignored the issue. In fact, I did say to her I will confront my parents about her one day. I have assured her of my determination. I told her I just need more time. The thing is, all relationship takes time, that much we all know. I admit our attraction might seem superficial because we developed connection in such a short time. Even she agreed we need to spend more time together (like living together for 6 months before marriage). But looking at how things now, it seems whatever she said doesn’t matter anymore.

    Anyway, let’s continue the story. On 28th May, I decided to send her my heartfelt letter (text, I dunno her address) about everything (being upfront to my parents about her, criticizing her negativity yet understanding her decision, and me being heartbroken, not expecting her back but hoping to meet each other again). She video-called me the next afternoon, saying she’s just checking me out because she was confused seeing my sudden letter and will call back later. She video-called me again at night, ranting about my letter (sounding angry and indifferent). We got into a debate but the whole conversation just seems off, it’s like she don’t want to have anything to do with me at all. She claimed she is rushing to sleep and need to wake up very early to go on 3 day holiday the next day and will call me back during that time. I waited. Turns out she never did. I texted her again, telling her I wanted to continue our discussion. She just said she can’t promise and will call when she’s not busy. A few days later, nothing is ever heard from her again.

    I have decided to let her go and contemplating to delete her number. All this drama is taking its toll on my mental health. I find it hard to believe that she can suddenly be busy and not get back to me, knowing the fact we used to video call every night without fail. All I wanted was just to continue our leftover discussion and hopefully reach out to her. But if my love can’t get through to her then nothing ever will. I even began to think that perhaps she’s just playing with my feelings (there were some minor red flags during our relationships). If that’s true, then it’s too bad that despite all the negative stigma of single mothers (not just Indonesia but apparently it’s like all over the world) she proved them right. Or perhaps she’s sacrificing herself to prevent me falling out with my parents. She never asked for any money though, her job paid well so I don’t think she’s a con.

    Thank you Anita for the reply. I’ll post more when I have more things to say.

    #357430
    Evokun
    Participant

    Hi Inky, thx for reply.

    Yes, you’re right. I kinda felt that in a way she’s being angry at me for something which isn’t our fault. But I can see why after having 3 failed relationships (perhaps mine is the 4th) citing parents issues caused by status will make anyone go crazy (my last conversation with her proves my point). I’m also saddened by the fact that perhaps all her exes never go all the way for her. She even mocked me by challenging me if I’m ready to give up everything just for her which actually doesn’t have to be that way because I’m confident I can convince my parents to give us a chance. Me being thrown out of the family is pretty much nonsense because I know my parents love me too much and I’m the only sole heir to the company. Besides, me and her decided to live in a different house away from my parents anyway if we do get married. Making a mountain out of a mole hill if I can say.

    Marriage is a discussion for another day because we have yet to really spend enough time together. But we do share marriage in the same view. We just want to get married in a simple way. Maybe along the beach with a nice view with just a few family members and close friends as witnesses followed by nice party meal enough for all topped with recorded music. As Indonesian Chinese, weddings here can be crazy excessive. Renting huge ballrooms, inviting every fucking person you know on the continent, lavish restaurant meals for every starving children in Africa that can last for months, over the top musical bands, list goes on. I’ve seen it all.

    The child might be the only issue. I’ve researched about the outcome of children from single mum backgrounds and the claims are not so looking positive. But I’ve yet to see her daughter so it’s a question for another day. All I know her daughter lived with her ex in-laws, she see her once a week (I think), and she’s a tough & strict mum. The daughter is supported financially by her biological dad who is working in Australia. We’ve yet to discuss much about her daughter about everything else. Although I noticed something weird. She wanted her daughter to live with us then the next day she says she will let her daughter decide where to live because she’s afraid of shocking her from moving out of her ex in-laws suddenly. Makes sense but weird at the same time.

    Yes, perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise, because it’s said that every failed relationship is just a path to the next better one. Truth be told, I think it’s true because she’s the best girl compared to anyone I’ve gotten into relationship with. I’m just saddened by the fact that it didn’t last long despite everything. But also perhaps it’s also my curse to be unable to have proper lasting relationships all my life because this is probably my 4th failed relationship. That and the fact I can never find anyone better than her locally (met her online) because I taught myself to not settle for less. I used dating app for a reason and I’m not gonna use it again.

    #357447
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Evokun:

    I read your recent post and re-read your original post. Here are my thoughts today:

    This very new (April-May 2020) long distance relationship with a woman you never met (not even knowing her address!) is not worth so much struggle on your part. There is simply not enough in this relationship to justify you compromising your health, nor is there enough to justify troubling your father or mother with the matter.

    You mentioned red flags in regard to this woman. Following my recent reading, I identified the following red flags:

    1. “Sometimes, being a girl, she like to test me by pretending to be mad about small things and wanting to break up”- this is a dishonest behavior that one would expect perhaps from a teenage girl who is immature. But a woman in her thirties- this is a red flag. If she is dissatisfied with something, she should bring it up  to you in an honest manner,  instead of pretending to b e mad and threatening you  with a breakup.

    2. “she told me we needed a break.. under her mum’s advice”- she is not taking responsibility for suggesting the break, she gives her mother that responsibility. Plus, there is an element of hypocrisy if  she expects you to stand up to your parents when she obeys her mother.

    3. “Then her texts became vague ‘When I become nobody to you, then you have to get used to with my bitter side”- this is a chilling red flag: she seems to be threatening you  with her bitter side.

    4. “She video- called me again at night, ranting about my letter (sounding angry and indifferent). We got into a debate” etc.- a month of a long distance relationship with a woman you never met, a woman whose address you don’t know does not justify all this anger and bitterness. You didn’t wrong her and yet she is unleashing her bitter side against you.

    In summary: I can only imagine how worse your life would be to experience her bitterness in-person, living with her. At first, when I first replied to you, I felt empathy for her, for being a single mother in a country where women are discriminated for this reason. But now, following reading your second post and re-reading the first, I can see that she is trouble.

    You wrote: “I have decided to let her go and contemplating to delete her number. All this drama is taking its toll on my mental health”- I agree, it is the wise choice. If I was you, I would do just as you suggested, do what it takes to heal (eat healthily, rest, exercise in moderation, etc.), attend to your sick father and help your parents, and at a later time return to the dating app and look for a better choice of a woman for the purpose of marriage.

    anita

    #357483
    Evokun
    Participant

    Hi Anita. Thank you for your 2nd input.

    I actually felt much better today and was therefore able to reply regarding your 1st input. I felt more at ease and confident after reading your 2nd input. I thank you sincerely.

    You’re right. Despite all the plans of future meet ups and getting to know more about each other, she is but like a child in a way and my vision of a happy future with her is slowly fading. I do regret a little about sending her that letter since the content kinda makes me worship her in a way but I’m also glad at the same time because I guess it brings out her arrogant side, thinking she’s irreplaceable. Funny enough though, I think all her exes knows her address and she always received gifts from them (recently she just received one from one of them) despite them already married, not sure which ones though. Perhaps that screwed her thinking that she’s highly sought after. I did want to send her a pair of earphones during our early relationship, but she wanted to receive it personally when we finally met, never giving me her address. Maybe her exes were all local?

    I decided not to contact her anymore and will delete her number in a week. The amount of her disrespect to me is pretty heinous. I will still receive her calls though but I will only wanna hear her making the relationship works at whatever the cost. Otherwise, I’ll just move on and act as if she’s dead. Love is about equal balance. As long as she still has feelings for me, many things still can be discussed. I still believe she’s not trying to lead me on, but just that she got a lot of growing up to do despite her age. Speaking of hypocrisy, she did once say she appreciates every single things in life, but somehow her actions towards me suggests otherwise, lol. And these are the words coming from a cancer survivor.

    Yet, at the same time, I can’t blame her but pity her. She’s of a broken home background (husband cheated), raised by her mum, taught to stand up for herself without needing any men. So when she herself divorced (husband cheated) and 3 failed relationship after that (one of them gave empty promise), seems to have fried her brain. I’ve pretty much done all I can to show my sincerity, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I’m attracted to her because she has qualities like my mum but also, not like my mum, if that makes sense? Hardworking, eating healthy, good conversationalist, informative, physically good looking, non-religious, independent. That’s what makes me see myself with her in the future, working together. I don’t really care if she smokes, throw a bit of tantrum, seeking for love assurances all the time. Just that her sudden indifference can be a real pain. Perhaps it’s just a test of finding partner that’s true to her but I don’t think that’s the right way.
    I’m fine now, just feeling a little pain every morning when I wake up. Looking back, I only regret being emotional (I am also ashamed of this forum title lol, blaming my parents smh). My father meant well, but in my view he’s wrong about everything in his relationship advice. I still won’t let them decide who I should marry but I’m definitely more wiser after this experience and won’t settle for lesser quality women now that I know her. The only problem is her qualities are near impossible to find. Not with the kind of life I’m leading now, all work and almost no social life, is of no help (corona is making it worse). I’m refocusing on myself again and keeping my options open with her and other woman.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Evokun.
    #357486
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Evokun:

    I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    #357827
    Evokun
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    It’s been a week without her contacting me but somehow I felt fine and better than before. I’ve also been watching videos for self improvement and all to feel much better about myself.

    Anyways, I’m ready to hear your reply.

    #357834
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Evokun:

    I apologize, I forgot to return to you four days ago. Thank you for posting again, glad you did! This is my reply to your third post of June 2: “her exes know her address and she always received gifts from them.. despite them already married”. The more you share about her, the worse she looks.

    You wrote: “I can’t blame her but pity her. She’s of a broken home background (husband cheated), raised by her mum, taught to stand up for herself without needing any man.. she herself divorced (husband cheated) and 3 failed relationships after that”-

    – “standing up for herself without needing any man” doesn’t fit with “she always received gifts from (married men)”. Receiving a gift is one part of a two-way interaction, so what was it that she gave the men before, or after receiving the gifts, is the question. Her broken home, societal discrimination as a single or divorced woman, etc., she deserves empathy for these things, for other people hurting her,  but she does not deserve empathy for hurting others. Your responsibility to yourself is to not make yourself available for another to hurt you, regardless of their backgrounds.

    “I’m attracted to her because she has qualities like my mum but also, not like my mum.. Hardworking, eating healthy, food conversationalist, informative, physically good looking, non-religious, independent.. I don’t really care if she smokes, throw a bit of tantrum”- I suggest you do care if a woman you consider marrying smokes and throws tantrums because second hand smoke is dangerous to you and to children, if you were to have children with a smoking woman. Also, children gets scared when their mother throws tantrums!

    “My father meant well, but in my view he’s wrong about everything in his relationship advice. I still won’t let them decide who I should marry but I’m definitely more wiser after this experience and won’t settle for lesser quality women now that I know her. The only problem is her qualities are near impossible to find”-

    – your father was wrong with regarding the reason why he thought you shouldn’t pursue this woman further (her having a child while not married), and he didn’t know her beyond that one detail, so he can’t have any relevant input about her. I am glad to read that you are wiser for this experience and that you will be deciding who you marry!

    Regarding not finding the qualities you liked about her in other women- let’s say you meet a woman who is not as informative as her- maybe she will be interested in becoming more informative. Being uninformed on any particular topic doesn’t have to be a permanent quality. If you meet a woman who is religious, maybe she is not very religious and you will be able to live with a little religion.

    Good to read that you’ve been feeling good in recent days.

    anita

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