Dear NeW

The first thing that struck me about your original post was this:

“My father died in an accident when I was an infant and she remarried when I was 4 and then divorced about 10 years later. No trauma”

Um, no trauma? For a child of 14 to have lost her father (even though you don’t remember him) then see her mother marry and divorce within the space of 10 years is pretty big. Also, think of the trauma your mother has been through: losing her husband when their child was tiny (are you an only child, btw?) then going through the pain of divorce after a shortish marriage when she was, I’m guessing, only 40 or so. She was then effectively on her own until she was in her 50s? And she has discovered that she is living with an abusive partner who is very passive aggressive towards you and, most likely, towards her, too. Imagine her disappointment and embarrassment at letting this man into her life, imagine the hurt she feels at being on the receiving end of his narcissistic behaviour and probably feeling powerless to do anything about it. And then the judgement of her daughter, who might have been her ally.

You said:

“I have had a good relationship with my mother over my 36 years on Earth . . . We have been close and shared many of the same moral and spiritual values”

That being the case, it sounds like it is a relationship worth fighting for, on both sides.

This man sounds like a piece of work and he has come between you and your mother, probably deliberately. If he puts dog poop in your car, then it is YOU who should be saying something to him, NOT your mother. Yes, it would be great if she took your side but, remember, when you go home she has to live with this man. She is probably very afraid of him.

Out of interest, and if you can remember, was her relationship with her second husband similar? Was he a similarly abusive person? I suspect that she is the sort of woman who is attracted to narcissists, possibly because of abuse she suffered in her own childhood. Does this strike a chord with you at all?

Try to talk to her, to find out if she is happy with this man (it seems unlikely, she seems scared of him) and, if she asks for your help, to help get him out of her home and her life. However, if she doesn’t wish to discuss her relationship with this man with you, then you must accept her choice to be with him. That doesn’t mean you can’t still have a good relationship with her, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to go no contact. To be stating that your mother doesn’t love you because of these events is somewhat self-involved, I think.

What was the ‘something stupid’ you argued about? If it was heated then it was probably about more than the ‘something stupid’ you mention, if only underneath. You must have some idea why she’s so upset. If you don’t, ASK HER. Via an email or similar if she won’t actually talk to you, and without being confrontational or she will clam up. Be her friend again, coax her to open up to you. And keep your horses on her farm so that the connection between you is not irretrievably cut.

Get the ball rolling on your reconciliation before it sets in and totally wrecks your mother/daughter relationship which was clearly very good until this man came along.

I do hope this helps.

all the best

Jan