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Jan

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  • #358021
    Jan
    Participant

    We crossed posts.

    He certainly acts in a way that is enough to keep you around but if a man really loves a woman, he will tell her. It’s quite that simple.

    If he really feels he loves you, he will let you know?! Good grief. Don’t let him string you along because he will forever if you let him.

    J

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Jan.
    #358019
    Jan
    Participant

    Hi Holly

    I think five months into your relationship is not too fast to develop loving feelings for your partner and, certainly, 18 months is not too short a time for your partner to have fallen in love with you, even if he’s unable to tell you.

    Most men have difficulty expressing love verbally, indeed they’re famous for it. I suggest you take his two hands in yours, look him in the eye and confidently say ‘I love you’. Then see how he reacts. If he doesn’t say it back, but smiles and says, ‘me too’ or similar and you both laugh because he’s uncomfortable but basically he’s there in the moment with you, then you’re on fairly firm ground. However, if he doesn’t smile, if he averts his eyes, drops your hands, walks away, or anything else that tells you he doesn’t love you back, accept that he doesn’t and probably never will.

    In the first scenario, I suggest the two of you move forward together, but continue to live separately, and over time he should become more comfortable with verbalising his love for you. Hugs and shared loving moments count too, remember, love is an action not just words. When he does loving things for you, like fixing something for you or just being there when you need him, being reliable and trustworthy, is worth more than any number of ‘I love you’s.

    In the second scenario, don’t panic. Maybe laugh gently (not at him) and say something like, ‘OK, it’s fine, but I wanted you to know that I love you. When you’re ready for a real relationship with me, you know my number. But don’t wait too long’. And leave. Not in anger, but in love. Let him know that you love him, but that you won’t be strung along any further. After 18 months, this guy knows whether he loves you or not and you have a right to know. Saying he doesn’t know is a cop out. Always remember, not making a decision is a decision in itself.

    Either he will wake up and smell the coffee or it will be over. If it’s over, better now than two, three, five years down the line.

    I really hope this helps you.

    all the best

    Jan

    #358009
    Jan
    Participant

    Hi again Maya

    You say

    “I am a romantic person and when I fall in love, I love passionately and unconditionally.”

    Also:

    “I want to love and be loved passionately”

    Don’t we all?! But that kind of intense feeling cannot be sustained throughout an entire marriage. Real love must develop from being ‘in love’ which can be more satisfying, long-term.

    It may still be the case that the best solution is divorce but, be warned, even if you find someone to love you ‘passionately’ that passionate phase will not last. Guaranteed.

    You say your husband is a good man in which case you may best be served by putting your energy into your 12 year marriage and giving up your girlish dreams of romance. You already have something many women would give their eye teeth for.

    best of luck, whatever you decide to do

    Jan

    PS Unconditional love is for children and animals, not adults. 🙂

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Jan.
    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Jan.
    #358008
    Jan
    Participant

    You’re welcome. I’m just wondering, what kind of situation brings up this feeling for you, that your boyfriend doesn’t understand you ‘at your core’? Is it because he shows no interest in the things that make you tick? Your hobbies, the things you love (maybe art, music, running, animals, growing orchids) or is it more fundamental like politics, attitude to money or religion? Or how much time you want to spend with friends and family (ie away from him), or how you dress or where you want to live?

    You say:

    “it feels like we’re not emotionally connected all the time”

    which is OK, two people can’t go about joined at the emotional hip all the time. But do you mean that, when you express your feelings either verbally or through actions, he sometimes turns off from you? That he seems to disapprove of you sometimes?

    Or if, say, you want to carve a career growing orchids which would make you happy but not rich, and he thinks you should do a job you hate because you can make a lot more money that way, that’s a pretty big stumbling block as he is not showing concern for your feelings. Or if he wants to have five children and you’re not even sure you want one.

    I know that nameless feeling, I’ve experienced it. Sometimes it’s that we do know, deep down, what the problem is but we don’t want to address it. If you feel there’s something missing, it might well be something you should spend some time examining (on your own) to make sure it’s not a huge red flag that you should not be ignoring. If, as you say, he’s amazing and cares for you deeply, he will be willing to work with you on any doubts you may be having.

    all the best

    Jan

    #358006
    Jan
    Participant

    One last thought, Cecilia. Do you think it possible that you, too, were on the rebound after the ending of your six year LDR? You reached out to him very soon after it ended so perhaps were just looking for someone (anyone?) to heal your emotional wounds? You say you developed feelings for him, was that before you reached out to him? Because, if so, that kind of backs up my hunch. He says he’s ‘mixed up’ and you mention that he has a therapist so perhaps he is not the most emotionally healthy man? I’d suggest that you give yourself a little time to adjust to being single again before you attempt another serious relationship. Date for fun for a while! J x

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Jan.
    #357999
    Jan
    Participant

    Dear Cecilia

    I’m so glad my advice has helped you. You sound like a lovely person who basically has her head screwed on the right way but, like most of us, can make mistakes with men from time to time. Nothing to be ashamed of, just learn and move on.

    You said:

    “she thought it was someone who took little initiative”

    This makes me wonder if he behaved the same way with her as he did with you? He may just be relationship-phobic, for whatever reason. He seems to go just so far and no further, perhaps just enough to keep you on a string and available for sex? Not the kind of man any woman needs in her life. He probably got hung up on her because she didn’t really want a relationship with him. Had she decided she did, he would most likely have gone cold and distant with her, too.

    I think it’s important to stop thinking about him as much as you possibly can and look for someone who actually is ready for a relationship. Easier said than done, I know! But I think your future happiness depends on moving on without him.

    all the best

    Jan

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Jan.
    #357944
    Jan
    Participant

    Perhaps I have misunderstood the crux of your problem. I thought it was that you had a fight with your mother about ‘something stupid’ and that she was now not talking to you. I thought that you had a good relationship with her until that time and that the situation would be salvageable with mature communication on both sides. You asked ‘what next?’ so I imagined you wanted to repair the relationship, but perhaps you don’t? Not sure, then, what it is you are trying to achieve? It seems unlikely that she is stonewalling you out of the blue, you must have some idea of what you said that has so upset her she will not talk to you.

    You seem to have mixed a few things in together so it’s difficult to know what exactly it is you want to address. Your mother’s partner, whom you dislike (for good reason)? The fact that you don’t feel loved by her (this seemed connected to the dog poop incident the way you wrote the post, but perhaps it’s a separate issue?) and the fact that you fought and she will no longer talk to you.

    Your mother is not behaving in a very adult manner but you must honestly examine your own part in why she is doing this when things were good between you up to that point. Although, you now say things have been bad between you for 10+ years, whereas before you said it was because of a recent fight. Which is it?

    If it really has been going downhill since she got together with this man then, yes, she does seem to have chosen him over you which must be incredibly painful. If she absolutely refuses to talk to you and is in the clutches of this man and her toxic ‘friend’ then, perhaps you have no other option but to accept the situation and move on without her.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Jan.
    #357930
    Jan
    Participant

    Dear Cecilia

    I don’t know how long he’s been split up from his ex but he sounds like a man on the rebound. He has told you at different times that he was more interested in a friendship with you than a romantic relationship and that he was ‘delighted’ that you wanted to go slow (not that stopped him sleeping with you!). But you have pushed and pushed for him to behave like a committed lover with you, which he is just not ready or willing to do.

    I would suggest not contacting him again, however hard you find it. Let him know that, if and when he is ready for the sort of relationship you want with him, he should contact you (and you may or not be available, you are entitled to move on if you want to). And let him bridge the gap between you, don’t keep doing it yourself. That is what makes him go cold and distant, putting pressure on him. Maybe he will get back to you in the future and, if he does, do what you say and go slow (and that means no sex until he has proved himself willing to commit to you). But if he never does get back to you, you will have to accept that. You cannot force someone to be what you want them to be.

    Hope this helps.

    Jan

     

    #357928
    Jan
    Participant

    Dear chezka21

    Wow, that’s a lot of stuff to get your head around, isn’t it? You must feel, subconsciously or otherwise, that the sand is always shifting under your feet and leaving you uncertain about things. And I can totally understand how moving from one place to another felt like you were running away from your problems (I did a certain amount of this in my own life, so I get it). Trouble is, your problems tend to travel right along with you, don’t they?

    I’m very glad to hear that your history has not prevented your forming a worthwhile relationship. Have your discussed your concerns with your fiance?

    There’s an old expression “bloom where you’re planted” which basically means to make the most of your situation, wherever you find yourself. I suspect you’re right about it being you not the place, it’s so easy to second-guess yourself and never settle to anything, especially with a history like yours. The important thing is that you have a good relationship with your family now, you have a loving fiance and you get on well with his family, you’re getting married and planning a family of your own. This is all good stuff, does it really matter where it all happens?

    Having said that, if, in the final analysis, you are really not happy about living in a city again, could you not compromise and live near the city, but in a smaller, quieter place?

    Hope this helps.

    all the best

    Jan

    #357927
    Jan
    Participant

    Mia, you have a right to happiness and seem to have found a wonderful man who makes you happy. At home, your family continuously make you unhappy by robbing you of good feelings about yourself. The solution? Plan your future with this young man, surround yourself with positive people and good friends, and turn a deaf ear to anything negative your family has to say. Do not dance to their tune, doing everything to please them to get them to ‘love’ you. Live life your way. Do not let them ruin your life. Make your boundaries clear to them, and if they continue to cross the line, cut them out of your life. So difficult to take this on board when you are so young, I know, but your mother (and others in your family, perhaps) are narcissists. Please use the internet to find out all you can about narcissism and arm yourself against these people. Maybe no contact is the only answer, sadly. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Jan.

    #357920
    Jan
    Participant

    Dear NeW

    The first thing that struck me about your original post was this:

    “My father died in an accident when I was an infant and she remarried when I was 4 and then divorced about 10 years later. No trauma”

    Um, no trauma? For a child of 14 to have lost her father (even though you don’t remember him) then see her mother marry and divorce within the space of 10 years is pretty big. Also, think of the trauma your mother has been through: losing her husband when their child was tiny (are you an only child, btw?) then going through the pain of divorce after a shortish marriage when she was, I’m guessing, only 40 or so. She was then effectively on her own until she was in her 50s? And she has discovered that she is living with an abusive partner who is very passive aggressive towards you and, most likely, towards her, too. Imagine her disappointment and embarrassment at letting this man into her life, imagine the hurt she feels at being on the receiving end of his narcissistic behaviour and probably feeling powerless to do anything about it. And then the judgement of her daughter, who might have been her ally.

    You said:

    “I have had a good relationship with my mother over my 36 years on Earth . . . We have been close and shared many of the same moral and spiritual values”

    That being the case, it sounds like it is a relationship worth fighting for, on both sides.

    This man sounds like a piece of work and he has come between you and your mother, probably deliberately. If he puts dog poop in your car, then it is YOU who should be saying something to him, NOT your mother. Yes, it would be great if she took your side but, remember, when you go home she has to live with this man. She is probably very afraid of him.

    Out of interest, and if you can remember, was her relationship with her second husband similar? Was he a similarly abusive person? I suspect that she is the sort of woman who is attracted to narcissists, possibly because of abuse she suffered in her own childhood. Does this strike a chord with you at all?

    Try to talk to her, to find out if she is happy with this man (it seems unlikely, she seems scared of him) and, if she asks for your help, to help get him out of her home and her life. However, if she doesn’t wish to discuss her relationship with this man with you, then you must accept her choice to be with him. That doesn’t mean you can’t still have a good relationship with her, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to go no contact. To be stating that your mother doesn’t love you because of these events is somewhat self-involved, I think.

    What was the ‘something stupid’ you argued about? If it was heated then it was probably about more than the ‘something stupid’ you mention, if only underneath. You must have some idea why she’s so upset. If you don’t, ASK HER. Via an email or similar if she won’t actually talk to you, and without being confrontational or she will clam up. Be her friend again, coax her to open up to you. And keep your horses on her farm so that the connection between you is not irretrievably cut.

    Get the ball rolling on your reconciliation before it sets in and totally wrecks your mother/daughter relationship which was clearly very good until this man came along.

    I do hope this helps.

    all the best

    Jan

     

    #357893
    Jan
    Participant

    ‘third post in this series’? What? Anita, why are you turning Janus’s problems into an opportunity to self-aggrandize? You are being very manipulative, making Janus wait, requiring her to hang on your every word, and trying to make her feel shame and guilt because you ‘need to take a break’! This is the equivalent of saying ‘after all I did for you!’ Stop doing this to her, and to others, stop using this forum to exercise control over vulnerable people.

    You clearly have issues of your own – don’t we all? But instead of working on your own issues you are more or less running this forum in a very self-indulgent way and expecting people to rely on you while you keep them in pain with your controlling techniques. You are quite a dangerous person.

    I’m surprised the owner of this website allows it to happen.

    #357771
    Jan
    Participant

    Hi Periwinkle

    He’s basically the one that got away! You are posing the ‘what if’ question in regard to Ron, an unanswerable question full of mystery and romance.

    Laugh it off. If a relationship had blossomed with him it would probably have died long before now and you would, from within your loving relationship with your boyfriend today, be thinking to yourself ‘thank God I didn’t marry that Ron bloke’. The feelings that linger for him are as intense and lasting as they are because they were generated when you were very young and because they, and he, were never tested.

    Having said this, if you do feel something is missing, that your boyfriend doesn’t really understand who you are, perhaps that’s something you can work on with him. If you talk to him about the parts of you that you want him to understand, and he shows interest in getting to know you on the deeper level you crave, all well and good. However, if he is dismissive of your concerns and isn’t willing to know you more deeply, that might be a cause for concern.

    all the best

    Jan

     

     

     

    #357763
    Jan
    Participant

    Dear Maya

    Sounds like you got married on the rebound and now the chickens are coming home to roost.

    You have had an affair and hurt your husband. You are not afraid of starting over on your own so the kindest thing to do would be to do that and let your husband to the same. An unhappy marriage makes for unhappy children, so it is probably best for everyone concerned that this marriage comes to an end.

    You seem to have enough regard and affection for your husband to do this kindly. I hope you can negotiate an amicable divorce that sees everyone come out the other end happier and able to form new and better relationships.

    all the best

    Jan

    #357759
    Jan
    Participant

    Dear Janus

    I have come back to this thread because it seems to me that this whole thing has been going on for far too long – years – and that is not healthy. Are you really interested in helping yourself or are you just here to sound off and get attention?

    I’m sorry if it sounds harsh but you are now, I think, about 20 and should be taking matters into your own hands and searching the internet for the information I mentioned to you that will help you to help yourself. Your long and repeated posts are very self-indulgent. Anita, you are also indulging yourself stringing this thread out mostly, I believe, for your benefit not Janus’s.

    Janus, are you really sure you want to transition from female to male? I really wonder whether you think you want to be male because you have been fed the message by your parents that male is better than female. Please think carefully before you go any further and also, please don’t rely on drugs to alter your mental state but on solid information that will help you start to change your negative beliefs about yourself and prepare you for a better, happier life. Do not wreck your life trying to please your parents when what you want is way more important than what they want. If they are unkind to you because of your life choices, or simply because you are not your brother or not male, let them go. Seriously, get them out of your life.

    You seem to have one or two good friends, build your friendships. You are serious about pursuing a scientific career and your sports, so you do have things you believe in going on in your life. Complete your education, get out of your parents’ clutches and live your own life. You know, much of what you feel is in line with what most people feel, i.e. the feeling good some days when you look in the mirror and bad other days, having an inner critic (do you honestly think you’re the only one that has this?). That’s life, I suggest you get a handle on it and stop feeling so sorry for yourself.

    I have great sympathy for you, I am the daughter of narcissistic parents myself and I am a good deal older than you. I did not have the benefit of the internet and books which are now available which are full of information that could have helped me to a better life if I had known at your age what I know now. Get a grip, arm yourself with the information which is freely available to you and set yourself up for a successful life. Or, you can wallow in self-pity and allow your parents’ prejudices to wreck it. It’s your call, but don’t lean on this forum to help you through the rest of your life.

    I sincerely hope this helps, it is kindly meant.

    Jan

     

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