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He is not in love “yet” and does not want to live with me “yet”

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • June 9, 2020 at 6:07 am #357995
    Holly
    Participant

    Hi All,

    I have been with my amazing boyfriend for about a year and a half now. He is 35 and I am 28. Generally, we have a very strong relationship. We barely argue or fight, we get along real well, he keeps me happy for the most part. We laugh every time we are together, we always find fun things to do. I am so into him because he can find humor in any situation and make light of things. He never worries or stresses out the way I do, so he brings out the best in me really.

    I fell for him very quickly – within 5 months of dating but did not tell him for over a year because I did not want to be the first one to say it and was kinda waiting for him to say it. Around Christmas, I built up the courage to tell him before I left for the evening one night but couldn’t. I could see in his behavior that he knew I was going to say it and I could tell he did not want to hear it. I talked with him about it the next week about why he looked so uncomfortable and he ended up telling me verbal affection is never something he has been comfortable with and may never be. He said he never grew up with verbal affection, and has never loved an ex girlfriend before or told them, so he is unsure what love really feels like. He told me he was sorry that he cannot tell me what I want to hear. He also ended the conversation by saying he cares very deeply for me, called me an amazing, beautiful person, told me that I make him very happy, he can see a future with me and loves spending his time with me and making me happy. He also told me he would work on being more verbally affectionate if it makes me happy and he did. He started complimenting me more, telling me he cares about me more, and other littler things. So, I told him I understood and decided not to tell him I loved him (even though he knew that I did and that was what I was going to say).

    On a side note, we took the Love Languages Quiz together one day for fun. Turns out his top one is Quality Time/Physical Touch and mine was Words of Affirmation. We both tied with our last one being Gifts. His last one was Words of Affirmation of course.

    About 2 months ago, we had a different situation. He currently owns a condo that he bought for himself just last June 2019. Before then, he was living at home with his parents (and before that he was sharing a rental condo with some friends who moved out randomly, which caused him to have to move back home). So, this is his first real place of his own that he owns. I helped him move in last June and I got a renal place of my own too. So currently, we each have our own place and are living separately but spend every weekend together. We have known each other a while before dating (6 years through mutual friends). Now, because we have been together a while and get along great, I brought up the idea of me moving into his condo with him and us living together. I brought this up a while ago as a potential idea. It scared him when I brought it up but did not know why. We decided on an idea that would help him would be if we did a trial run where I lived with him for a month to see how it went, then decide a week after that if we were going to go through with moving in together. So, we did that and it went really well. And then had our talk about a week later.

    We sat down, and I asked him if he had made his decision and he said yes. He said, and I remember the conversation very well so I am quoting him as best as I remember, “I’m just not there yet and I’m sorry I know you are ready. It has nothing to do with us as a couple or money or anything like that…It’s just that I have not even lived here a year yet and we’ve only been together a year and I got this place to experience living on my own and I want to experience more of that. I think if we had been together longer or I had my place longer, I’d probably be ready but I also don’t think it’s a good idea to move in together when one of us just is not there yet. I don’t want you to leave I don’t want to break up or anything but I also dont want it to feel forced and then we end up fighting or resentment gets built and we break up or something. I love where we are at now and I can definitely see it happening within a year…just not right now. I won’t keep you waiting. I see a future with you, I care deeply for you but I also cannot say I am in love with you right now because I don’t know if I do. I’ve never felt it and there is a big change I already do but I don’t want to tell you until I am 100% sure.”

    So, basically I had to hear him tell me he is not in love with me and does not want to live with me right now and that was really hard. I appreciate his honesty but it still hurt that we are not on the same time frame. I am close with his mother and she had warned me about this before. That he had never had a long term serious relationship before me, he’s never told a woman he loves her before and really is not verbally affectionate and moves very slowly in relationships. But she also told me she can tell he cares deeply for me and is truly happy with me. She, his Dad, my parents and my 3 best friends all advised me to hang on. To not give up on him, to give him time to be ready to move in, time to develop those stronger feelings for me and tell me when he is ready. Patience has always been difficult for me as I grew up in a very impatient household.

    I just need advise on if I am doing the right thing by waiting for him. I care deeply for him too and I don’t see a breakup being a suitable answer here. Everything else in our relationship is strong. We both can see ourselves living together, getting married one day and having a kid… except I want things sooner than he does. I also don’t want to be waiting for nothing and find out 3 years down the road he changes his mind and does not want any of that anymore and still does not love me or want to live with me. I do trust him and I know that is more unrealistic, but people can still change their minds.

    Should I be patient with him?

    June 9, 2020 at 7:20 am #358010
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Holly:

    Reads to me that he is honest and trustworthy, and these are the most desirable traits in man, says I. Reads that he is rational and sensible, considerate, conscientious and responsible, more desirable traits. And accommodating, willing to get out of his comfort zone so to please you (suggesting to be more verbally affectionate with you and then making it happen, and having a week living together trial that you suggested).

    Let’s look at what he felt and told you regarding the word love/ feeling of love: “he did not want to hear it.. he looked so uncomfortable.. he has never loved an ex girlfriend before or told them, so he is unsure what love really feels like… I also cannot say I am in love with you right now because I don’t know if I do. I’ve never felt it and there is a big chance I already do but I don’t want to tell you until I am 100% sure”

    He didn’t tell you that he loved you, but he did tell you the following: I care very deeply for you, you make me very happy, I can see a future with you, I love spending this time with you, I love making you happy.

    To care deeply for another, to be very happy in the company of another and to love making the other happy, these expressions are what the feeling of love is about. He even said the word love in the context of loving to spend time with you (“loves spending his time with me”).

    If you want, we can look deeper at why he is so uncomfortable with saying I-love-you. He told you that he “never grew up with verbal affection”, and you happen to be “close with his mother”- did she share with you why she never said anything affectionate to her son, not when he was a child, and all the way into his fourth decade of life?

    anita

     

    June 9, 2020 at 7:40 am #358015
    Holly
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes all of the positive traits you say about him are very true. All I know about his past is his mother kept telling me a girl did hurt him in the past. She did not go into much detail but a woman broke up with him when he was around 20 or so and she said it did hurt him bad. Maybe he is so hurt from that, he refuses to feel love for another. Maybe he did feel love for her but got left so he does not want to tell me he loves me in fear of being left again? Just an assumption.

    His parents are definitely not verbally affectionate. They are very much like him – funny, sarcastic, easy-going, make jokes when uncomfortable or to make someone happy and never really seem to feel deep feelings. I’ve never seen either of his parents upset, angry, frustrated or annoyed. They always both seem upbeat, joking around, light-hearted and just have that easy-going – no planning – “let’s just see where life takes us and relax” type of vibe.

    Seems like he hides a lot of his emotions and whenever we did have any serious conversation, at first he is always very uncomfortable, avoiding eye-contact, staying quiet and only talking when I am asking him something, making jokes, fidgety, making sarcastic statements, stumbles on the right words, laughs when he is uncomfortable…but after a while he slowly eases into the conversation and will stop joking and start holding me, hugging me and all that, trying to reassure me but also continuously says he is not good with words and is trying to help make this better but just does not know what to say. After a serious talk, he normally DOES things to make up for his lack of words. He will suggest doing something I want to do, give me a back rub, kiss or hold me, make me some food, take me out on a walk, ask what I feel like doing, put on a show I want to see or do some other favor/act of service and definitely gets more physical and wants to touch me more (non-sexual) but more in a loving/comforting way.

    It’s true he does ACT like he loves me which is why I find it confusing why it can be so hard for him to say it. I also hear that learning each others love languages can help and people tell me even though he may not say he loves me does not necessarily mean he doesn’t

    I can tell he never wants to upset me,

    June 9, 2020 at 7:50 am #358018
    Holly
    Participant

    I can tell he tries. But deep down, I still would love to hear those words. He told me he will bring it up when he is ready to live together and if he feels he truly loves me, then he will let me know.

    June 9, 2020 at 7:53 am #358019
    Jan
    Participant

    Hi Holly

    I think five months into your relationship is not too fast to develop loving feelings for your partner and, certainly, 18 months is not too short a time for your partner to have fallen in love with you, even if he’s unable to tell you.

    Most men have difficulty expressing love verbally, indeed they’re famous for it. I suggest you take his two hands in yours, look him in the eye and confidently say ‘I love you’. Then see how he reacts. If he doesn’t say it back, but smiles and says, ‘me too’ or similar and you both laugh because he’s uncomfortable but basically he’s there in the moment with you, then you’re on fairly firm ground. However, if he doesn’t smile, if he averts his eyes, drops your hands, walks away, or anything else that tells you he doesn’t love you back, accept that he doesn’t and probably never will.

    In the first scenario, I suggest the two of you move forward together, but continue to live separately, and over time he should become more comfortable with verbalising his love for you. Hugs and shared loving moments count too, remember, love is an action not just words. When he does loving things for you, like fixing something for you or just being there when you need him, being reliable and trustworthy, is worth more than any number of ‘I love you’s.

    In the second scenario, don’t panic. Maybe laugh gently (not at him) and say something like, ‘OK, it’s fine, but I wanted you to know that I love you. When you’re ready for a real relationship with me, you know my number. But don’t wait too long’. And leave. Not in anger, but in love. Let him know that you love him, but that you won’t be strung along any further. After 18 months, this guy knows whether he loves you or not and you have a right to know. Saying he doesn’t know is a cop out. Always remember, not making a decision is a decision in itself.

    Either he will wake up and smell the coffee or it will be over. If it’s over, better now than two, three, five years down the line.

    I really hope this helps you.

    all the best

    Jan

    June 9, 2020 at 8:01 am #358021
    Jan
    Participant

    We crossed posts.

    He certainly acts in a way that is enough to keep you around but if a man really loves a woman, he will tell her. It’s quite that simple.

    If he really feels he loves you, he will let you know?! Good grief. Don’t let him string you along because he will forever if you let him.

    J

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Jan.
    June 9, 2020 at 4:26 pm #358056
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Holly:

    I would have replied to you earlier but because of power outage I didn’t have access to the internet for most of the day. I will read your recent post (and anything you may add to it) when I am focused enough tomorrow morning,in about 14 hours from now.

    anita

    June 9, 2020 at 5:01 pm #358063
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Holly:

    I managed to read your recent post. You asked in your original post: “Should I be patient with him?”. My answer: yes, he reads like a good man from all that you shared, an exceptionally honest and responsible man.

    “It’s true he does ACT like he loves me which is why I find it confusing why it can be so hard for him to say it”- just as he accommodated you in the past, being verbally affectionate with you, what about you accommodating him by letting him know that you no longer expect him to say the words?

    For whatever reason, it is difficult for him to say I love you. It makes him very uncomfortable to try and say these words.  So give him the gift of not expecting him to say it anymore. Relieve him from this unnecessary pressure.

    I don’t know if I answered you adequately, please let me know.

    anita

    June 10, 2020 at 11:41 am #358176
    Holly
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I agree. I thought about it over night and came up with a possible solution. When we originally had the talk, he asked to give him until end of the year to decide if he is ready then to move in. I feel like in January, if he is in the exact same place mentally (not knowing if he is in love/unsure about living together) then at that point, it may be end game for me. I feel like at that point, we will be almost 2 years into our relationship and he should 100% know what he wants by then and if not, then he clearly is not invested in our relationship.

    I feel that might be a good time frame (not that I would tell him the time frame – that is just for me). I am hoping he comes around well before then like he said he very well might.

    He does show love absolutely and it is true he may never actually say the words to me even if he is in love. All my friends and family see it and so do his friends and family. I guess growing up with a family who was never verbally affectionate made him the way he is and maybe showing it is just as good as saying it in his mind. He IS a good man and I don’t want to lose him. However if by 2021 his mind has not budged, that will raise a big red flag for me, knowing his mind will not change and it will be time to let go and move on.

    I am hoping he come around and realizes how good he has it with me and makes the move to move forward with me.

    June 10, 2020 at 11:46 am #358178
    Holly
    Participant

    Jan,

    Thank you also for your reply. Basically I took a bit of yours and a bit of Anita’s suggestions. You’re both right in some ways. You say he should be telling me 100% if he feels it and Anita says he is showing it because he cannot verbally express it due to his upbringings in his family. I see both sides here. Yes, I wish he could say it and maybe one day he will, but he IS also showing love too.

    Your idea of telling him enough is enough I plan to put into place in the New Year. He asked me to give him patience till end of the year so I plan to give him that. However, like you said, I cannot wait forever for him. I would say something along the lines of what you suggested, ‘OK, it’s fine, but I wanted you to know that I love you. When you’re ready for a real relationship with me, you know my number. But don’t wait too long’. And leave.

    However I hope it does not come down to that situation but if it does, I know it will be the right one because waiting forever is not fair to anyone.

    June 10, 2020 at 12:24 pm #358183
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Holly:

    You read reasonable to me. I have a possible explanation to why he is having such trouble with saying that he loved you and with feeling that he is not in love with you. It is only a possibility that may be useful to consider:

    “His parents are definitely not verbally affectionate. They are very much like him- funny, sarcastic, easy-going, make jokes when uncomfortable.. never really seem to feel deep feelings… They always both seem upbeat, joking around, light hearted”- that’s how his parents were when he was a young child, but that’s not how he was as a young child: children are affectionate, verbally (when able to talk) and otherwise. Children feel deeply. Children express their feelings honestly, spontaneously, with no hesitation, no discomfort.. until they are made uncomfortable.

    Imagine him as a young child reaching out to his parents with his arms open, running toward them, and as he reaches his father, or his mother, they turn away from him, making a light hearted joke. And there he is, his arms still open, rejected. He is not entertained by his mother’s joke, and his heart is not light; it is heavy. He is hurt deeply, and he is scared/ anxious: no one to hug him. After all, he needs a hug, not a joke.

    Fast forward, here he is scared/ anxious before he eases into the conversation with you: “he hides a lot of his emotions.. very uncomfortable, avoiding eye contact, staying quiet and only talking when I am asking him something, making jokes, fidgety.. but after a while he slowly eases into the conversation”.

    It may be that he is as afraid of telling you that he loves you, that he is in love with you, denying these two things for no other reason but his fear that if he figuratively runs toward you with open arms,  you will turn away from him, leaving him deeply hurt, like he was before.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by .
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