Forum Replies Created
September 11, 2020 at 12:05 pm #366557
It’s mainly work that worries me. The fear of being let go and having to struggle for money. It’s always been a fear because one time a while ago I was let go unexpectedly and had to scramble to pay my rent and had to borrow money, use my savings and just felt horrible. It was a really, really low point for me. I worry about having to go through that again.
My anxieties about work have definitely improved over the past few months compared to how I was before then. But now it feels like it’s creeping back because I made a mistake today and now am thinking, “uh oh what if I’ve made more mistakes…”?September 11, 2020 at 11:49 am #366551
I am not sure where it comes from actually. Do you think I have nothing to worry about?
My parents never did put that kind of pressure on me that I can recall. I am an only child but I do not remember them ever putting pressure to get perfect grades or anything.
I just cant seem to shake the worry that if I am not perfect at my job, they will find someone else who is. And the weird thing is, I know the worst case isn’t that bad? Just get a new job. It’s never taken me longer than a month to secure new employment in my field so technically I should not be worried but still do.June 10, 2020 at 11:46 am #358178
Thank you also for your reply. Basically I took a bit of yours and a bit of Anita’s suggestions. You’re both right in some ways. You say he should be telling me 100% if he feels it and Anita says he is showing it because he cannot verbally express it due to his upbringings in his family. I see both sides here. Yes, I wish he could say it and maybe one day he will, but he IS also showing love too.
Your idea of telling him enough is enough I plan to put into place in the New Year. He asked me to give him patience till end of the year so I plan to give him that. However, like you said, I cannot wait forever for him. I would say something along the lines of what you suggested, ‘OK, it’s fine, but I wanted you to know that I love you. When you’re ready for a real relationship with me, you know my number. But don’t wait too long’. And leave.
However I hope it does not come down to that situation but if it does, I know it will be the right one because waiting forever is not fair to anyone.June 10, 2020 at 11:41 am #358176
I agree. I thought about it over night and came up with a possible solution. When we originally had the talk, he asked to give him until end of the year to decide if he is ready then to move in. I feel like in January, if he is in the exact same place mentally (not knowing if he is in love/unsure about living together) then at that point, it may be end game for me. I feel like at that point, we will be almost 2 years into our relationship and he should 100% know what he wants by then and if not, then he clearly is not invested in our relationship.
I feel that might be a good time frame (not that I would tell him the time frame – that is just for me). I am hoping he comes around well before then like he said he very well might.
He does show love absolutely and it is true he may never actually say the words to me even if he is in love. All my friends and family see it and so do his friends and family. I guess growing up with a family who was never verbally affectionate made him the way he is and maybe showing it is just as good as saying it in his mind. He IS a good man and I don’t want to lose him. However if by 2021 his mind has not budged, that will raise a big red flag for me, knowing his mind will not change and it will be time to let go and move on.
I am hoping he come around and realizes how good he has it with me and makes the move to move forward with me.June 9, 2020 at 7:50 am #358018
I can tell he tries. But deep down, I still would love to hear those words. He told me he will bring it up when he is ready to live together and if he feels he truly loves me, then he will let me know.June 9, 2020 at 7:40 am #358015
Yes all of the positive traits you say about him are very true. All I know about his past is his mother kept telling me a girl did hurt him in the past. She did not go into much detail but a woman broke up with him when he was around 20 or so and she said it did hurt him bad. Maybe he is so hurt from that, he refuses to feel love for another. Maybe he did feel love for her but got left so he does not want to tell me he loves me in fear of being left again? Just an assumption.
His parents are definitely not verbally affectionate. They are very much like him – funny, sarcastic, easy-going, make jokes when uncomfortable or to make someone happy and never really seem to feel deep feelings. I’ve never seen either of his parents upset, angry, frustrated or annoyed. They always both seem upbeat, joking around, light-hearted and just have that easy-going – no planning – “let’s just see where life takes us and relax” type of vibe.
Seems like he hides a lot of his emotions and whenever we did have any serious conversation, at first he is always very uncomfortable, avoiding eye-contact, staying quiet and only talking when I am asking him something, making jokes, fidgety, making sarcastic statements, stumbles on the right words, laughs when he is uncomfortable…but after a while he slowly eases into the conversation and will stop joking and start holding me, hugging me and all that, trying to reassure me but also continuously says he is not good with words and is trying to help make this better but just does not know what to say. After a serious talk, he normally DOES things to make up for his lack of words. He will suggest doing something I want to do, give me a back rub, kiss or hold me, make me some food, take me out on a walk, ask what I feel like doing, put on a show I want to see or do some other favor/act of service and definitely gets more physical and wants to touch me more (non-sexual) but more in a loving/comforting way.
It’s true he does ACT like he loves me which is why I find it confusing why it can be so hard for him to say it. I also hear that learning each others love languages can help and people tell me even though he may not say he loves me does not necessarily mean he doesn’t
I can tell he never wants to upset me,