Dear Janus:

“On Friday May 22nd after taking ten Nyquil sleeping pills… I took some sleeping pills because I was having nightmares and trouble sleeping… I miscalculated the sleeping pills and took more than I should”-

Nyquil is used to an upper respiratory combination of drugs aimed at relieving coughing, treating nose stuffiness, easing allergy signs, easing pain and fever: did you have any of these symptoms I italicized,  before taking Nyquil?

Or did you take the medicine for its sleeping aid affect only during the day?

I am trying to figure out your motivation for taking the pills, and what you mean by “miscalculated the sleeping pills”. I hope you can explain these things to me.

anita

Dear Janus:

I apologize, it will be longer before I post the second and third posts to you.

anita

Dear Janus (Post #2):

Sept 8, 2016 : “Third day of school had a lot more work.. Andrew seems a bit annoyed at me today b/c.. I also got a better score than he did on the ap biology study review on chapter 54.

Sept 11: I just read an article about how outdated the word “tomboy” is and how it can be offensive to girls. society should be celebrating the strong, independent women who can play sports, withstand injuries as a symbol of feminism.. Just b/c a girl wears shorts and cuts her hair short doesn’t mean she is trying to be a male, it means she is having her own terms of free expression. Tomboy diminishes the power of girls by saying that the girl is acting like a guy so it’s almost saying boys are better. Women in our society are not powerless and should be allowed to play sports, dress in shorts and wear their hair short…I don’t get along with my parents, they think women who play sports, wear shorts are too much like a guy. They think it is weird that I am going for a science career and i like computer science. But the first computer science person was a woman in the 1940s since men were at war. My mom esp. thinks women are limited and won’t even exercise to keep healthy even though she needs to  boost her circulation. my mom also doesn’t eat enough even when I try to tell her she needs to eat more she only eats a slice of bread not a whole sandwich.

Sept 28:  I don’t think I’ll ever have a boyfriend b/c I am very independent and I tend to have high standards when it comes to a guy. I want someone who is a scientist (since I love science) and is good at math, knows about computers and tool working, likes nature and camping.

Oct 10: My parents.. they are very patriarchal and no matter how much I work out, do well in school, they focus more on my brother and praise him more every time I try to be optimistic or positive and assert my self-esteem, they say “you are being to prideful.” If I try to talk to them to seek advice for a friend who is LGBT or depressed, they say “she/he is crazy. you shouldn’t associate with them.”

Oct 19:  I have a lot of guy friends from sports and I’m around guys a lot and I also find girls are fun to be around for parties and school work. I like to work with girls in science a lot of the time. not many girls like science b/c they assume it is for males, so I’m always grateful when i see a girl who likes science. But since I’ve disguised myself as a guy before in the past to be safe, I feel as if I can see both sides of the coin. as if I’m more than just on the surface, that my soul is genderless, neither male or female. I feel as if I can connect to both sides.

Oct 22:  I don’t care if people think that girls shouldn’t dress as superheroes, I do it anyway. Who says a girl can’t be strong and help save people as well? I hate gender roles that girls have to be princesses and damsels in distress or not sports types b/c I’m not like that. when people tell me that I should stop bench pressing or that I should stop camping, hiking b/c they are guy things, that makes me quite annoyed. I like being out in nature, challenging myself and if I fall climbing something, I’ll be okay.

Oct 25: The first computer programmers in 1940 were women since men were at war, bullet proof vests and fire escapes were made by women.

Oct 29:  I am sick of my inner bully, but I found another reason why it has shown up lately. remember the story I told you about how the inner bully was triggered by the guy being mean towards me for wearing a leotard.. Another guy told me something mean? while I just walked away and lately I’ve been feeling guilty wondering if I should have defended myself instead, would that have made me feel better? currently I have been helping people who are suicidal, depressed, bullied, LGBT, most of those who need a hand to stand up for themselves. I feel glad that I’m giving them a chance and teaching them to stand up for themselves, but I feel guilty that I just walked away when I was faced by myself with a bullying situation. I wish I could have that same courage for myself. the courage I use to help them defend themselves, but I’m not sure I have it. I will continue to make the inner bully physical and I will heal and smash that inner bully.

Nov 5: My inner bully has come back again and it has been annoying me lately. It’s like I have a hollow hole where my heart used to be and the inner bully has lodged into it. it speaks in my mind “not good enough, too fat, fail, failure, loser, never going to amount to anything in life.” it summons whirlpools that drown me in. i am sick of the inner bully. I didn’t get enough sleep Tuesday b/c I was afraid I wasn’t working out enough so I decided to work out a little and it helped curb the inner bully. then on wed. i haven’t been working out as much b/c of school work so that’s another thing the inner bully has been attacking me on.

Nov 27:  My inner bully will say “look at all these people, they are all saying you are worthless. you are weak as a girl. why don’t you change?”.. Over the summer, I had two weeks of confidence without the inner bully and it was shattered when my mom’s temper got the best of her and she yelled at me that I had my head in the clouds and I was a slow person. I feel like I am a bad person because I feel at the moment I can’t forgive her for some of the things she said. my inner bully takes after her and uses some of her patriarchal views to target me. I’m constantly battling the words that tell me that I’m not good enough for this career, I’m not strong enough for this and I just want to isolate myself from the world i live in now and find myself amidst all this chatter.

Nov 29:  I had a dream that my eyesight got great and my circulation healed and I have a strange feeling that there are improvements.

Dec 6: School is a bit stressful this year since it’s my last year in high school. I took ap calc and ap biology and both classes take a lot of my time studying, taking notes. Currently I am debating on dropping java (computer programming) or not.. Even though I was nervous during my ap calc test, I managed to get a 100 on it.

Dec 19: My inner bully is emotionally and physically draining. Its incessant chatter annoys me and makes me irritated.

Dec 21, 2016: My inner bully has been nagging me these days. it keeps saying that I’m a weak person and that I never will amount to anything. It keeps nagging on the fact that i usually work out for thirty minutes and since these days I’ve been busy, it keeps saying to me ” you are ugly and fat, go exercise.

Jan 2, 2017:  Today is the last day of winter break and tomorrow starts school. The first few days of winter break were fun since I was studying science which is my favorite subject. After I was done with the science terms, I started feeling restless about my gender again mostly due to the inner bully ragging on me.

Jan 12: These days I feel like my inner bully has taken 55% of me and the other 45% left is someone I don’t know anymore. I feel I have lost myself.. There are some guys in my lunch that aren’t the very nicest and they make fun of me for being smart and for being a girl. I feel like i don’t want to be a girl if they see it as weak and only guys work out and play competitive sports, but I don’t want to be a guy either. I’ve lost my sense of gender.

Jan 13: How do I find myself again since I feel lost in a gender void?

Jan 17: here are two sides of me warring with each other, one side that wants to follow the labels and another side that wants to break free and live as my soul. The side that wants to live with the labels is still afraid of people’s criticisms and also wants to stay in the lines. The other side that wants to be my soul is about living life being who I am. I want to merge both of them, but I’m not sure how.

March 9: I find myself trying to push for more, more in athleticism, more in academics trying to cover every flaw. Yet, I can’t run or keep hiding my flaws because they are currently distracting me when I’m alone.

March 19: Lately there is a fear that keeps surfacing about my weight and appearance and I am struggling on overcoming it.  Every time I think of facing it somehow, there is a voice that keeps me back and tells me people will judge me harshly. I feel as if I’m constantly on guard to avoid being hurt so I hide myself.

May 3: there are five more days till the AP Biology exam and tensions between classmates are high. We are still friends, but there is a lot of competition lately in the classroom. I have noticed that Andrew and I both may be right on a question, but we both will argue our point and question the other.

(No posts May 4- -Nov 14, 2017)

Nov 15, 2017: It’s been awhile since I have been on, but college has so much to learn and experience and I’ve been having lots of fun. Andrew went away to military school, Dave and I lost touch and Steve (my lunch buddy) goes to a college in New York City. I have made lots of friends at college and also see my special friend on campus.

Jan 12, 2018 :Lately, I’ve been feeling detached from myself and identifying as more masculine to give me strength and it feels like that part of me has taken over and I’m unsure of who my real self is anymore. How do I explain to my parents that I want to express myself the way I want even with their criticisms?..The LGBT community is helping me be more confident with who I am.

March 31: The LGBT community at my college plays a big role in my life and I feel like I’ve found acceptance there.. I have also begun to make peace with myself and have gone to a therapist who has helped me understand my gender identity.. I’ve been bringing home resources from the pride group at my college and the LGBT community and sharing them with my parents explaining to them how these things and people play a part in my life and have helped me in discovering who I am.

April 16: Ocean Pride LGBT group has helped me better understand myself..my parents have expressed that they won’t support me financially if I transition then and I’m not sure I can have enough money to pay for college without their support so I’m going to wait until I’m 25. Currently, I struggle with gender dysphoria at times but it’s not too bad because I’ve also gone to a therapist to talk about it and it makes me feel better.. Also at my college, I have been using the name Janus because he is the Roman god of new beginnings and transitioning. His name lends to the month of January in which I was born. Socially transitioning and seeking therapy has been a new beginning for me and I feel like I’m closer to finding myself.

May 15: I feel like controlling my body by being anorexic makes me more masculine and also hides the insecurities I have. One insecurity I have is that I am not strong enough to be a male and this results in me feeling anxious if I miss a day of exercise because I fear I’ll lose muscle mass.

June 1: I’m not alive at times and I sometimes question if I truly exist in this world or I’m just an immaterial being of my thoughts. Sometimes I like this feeling because I feel like I can mold myself into the person I see myself as and at other times this gives me anxiety because I feel like I’m not feeling anything but passing through life.

June 7: There are days when I feel like things are moving too slowly and I become depressed. On those days, I go back to over-exercising and controlling my eating because I feel like I’m not doing enough to move things forward and want to do more, but not sure how…I get depressed and wonder if I’ll ever build my confidence to achieve my goals. At those times of shaken confidence and doubts with whether I can be more true self, I feel intense gender dysphoria and find myself wishing I was gone from this world. My thoughts are foggy, my heart aches and I feel alone like I’ve just had all my hopes dashed when I entered a tunnel of no light.

June 13:  Sometimes the bitterness in my mind brings a question that fuels my frustration with my parents and that question is ‘Is it that hard to accept me as I choose to identify? Are you so short-sighted that you only see the flaws in me?” In my anger and irritation at them, sometimes my thoughts pound in my head and the consistent thought obscures all else as I think “All I want is to transition to be a man. I don’t think I can live with myself anymore going daily floating through life not fully living.” Sometimes I feel like being anorexic will make me skinnier and make me look more masculine and I think about what it would be like to die from anorexia and silence my inner critic’s voice. I think “What if I made myself so skinny that my chest would be extremely flat? What if I died trying to be a man, would that make me happier than the life I’m living now?” These thoughts often scare me and make me feel numb and at times I cry. I’m scared of anorexia, but I’m more scared of not living my life and looking masculine so it feels like two sides war with each other. The constant thoughts that pound in my head, the ache of my muscles as I over-exercise to escape the emotional pain and the constant feeling like I don’t exist in this world- like I’m just drifting make me wonder whether I’m really making progress in life. I do not want to lose myself and every time I feel like I’m losing myself I go to the edge.

Sept 19: The summer months were emotionally exhausting since my parents did not accept my gender identity and did not think it necessary for me to visit the therapist. I felt alone with a raging inner critic and I would burst into tears at least twice every two weeks. I struggled with disordered eating, avoiding certain foods and at other times eating a lot because I didn’t feel full. Then I was filled with self-hatred because I felt I had lost control over my restriction with food and my body wouldn’t be masculine enough so I would work out to the extreme and eat little for days to burn off the calories…all I can think about is my gender identity and it consumes my mind…always the same obsessive thought that I’m trying to escape from. When I feel overwhelmed from all of it, it’s like my mental processes are sluggish and being controlled by this one loop that goes round and round and I go between different selves to placate the voice.

Oct 10: I don’t know how to be that self of me when  it seems like there really isn’t much of a self out of the shell of stereotypes. And I find myself wondering about the depression and anorexia.. I wonder how much will be left as these shells seem to disintegrate leaving me feeling more confused about myself than I was before. I know one thing for certain that I feel more comfortable as male. I don’t know what my own definition of masculinity is away from the world’s stereotypes and I am still exploring that… I think about the people at college who embrace me for me and tell me I’m valid for who I choose to be. I don’t feel valid in my feelings when I’m around my parents because they have expectations of what men and women can do that make them masculine or feminine. I feel lost as to who I am as a person. I don’t want to live in the shell of stereotypes society casts for me, but I don’t know myself outside the box either. I try to get rid of the box and sometimes the constraints get tighter as people like my parents try to put their expectations on me and at other times I just don’t know who I’d be without the box or whether I actually am alive. Is there really a person who is me on this earth? Has the life I’ve been living truly life?

Oct 31: I am glad to have Ocean Pride LGBTQ club at my college which I have met some new friends who encourage me to be more positive each day. I know I can’t really think outside the box when I’m living with my parents, but I do try to reduce the anxiety by meditating, working on healthy eating habits (still combating anorexia, but it’s getting better).

Nov 20: Ever since I came out as transgender male, I’ve had people who adamantly don’t accept my gender identity and purposefully tell me that I have to prove to them that I’m transgender. Some say I’m not masculine enough and that I’m not a man yet because I haven’t had the medical transition. But the medical transition is quite expensive and I’m working my way to it by getting a good education so I can become a genetic engineer and work on saving up for it.

Dec 4: Some people that I hang out with from the LGBTQ group at college are good acquaintances.. we support each other when we feel sad.

Dec 7: Gender isn’t a binary thing, it’s a spectrum.. Wearing a chest binder helps with the dysphoria, but putting it on sometimes makes me feel dysphoric because I feel like I’m just hiding my chest and the insecurity of possibly having the chest binder not making my chest flat enough sometimes contributes to dysphoria. I dislike the summer months the most because I feel more exposed without the layers covering my body. I have started to wear looser clothes in case my chest binder doesn’t hide the “bumps” of my chest. My chest causes me the most anxiety. Also I always feel tense when I feel like someone might misgender me, like an old acquaintance that doesn’t know my gender.

Dec 9, 2018: Sometimes when people tell me how to present masculinity I feel like I’m being placed into stereotypes of masculinity and I don’t like that. I want to be happy being myself and presenting my gender identity in a way that feels right for me and when people give me ideas on how to be more masculine, I feel conflicted…I have such dysphoria that makes it hard to concentrate on tasks some days as I wish my chest would be flatter. I know testosterone will help redistribute the fat in my body and help build more muscle so my chest will look flatter. I will also have a lower, deeper voice and grow facial hair that will make me feel more masculine. I know that testosterone will make me feel less stressed about my body as it changes it to be more masculine and I won’t feel so dysphoric at times that I have to work out to the extreme to escape my emotional turmoil. Mastectomy (top surgery to remove the chest) usually requires a transgender person to be on testosterone for six months or more and sometimes you have to live a year as a male before top surgery. The recovery for top surgery is six months at the quickest and it is painful as I’ve met transgender males who are in the process of top surgery and their chest bandages are quite tight and they have to use dialysis bags to help regulate blood flow. I’m not sure about top surgery, but I know I’ll probably start hormones some time soon…Gender is a interesting topic that I have been exploring for a while since the started questioning my gender identity. I wasn’t sure about myself at first but being in college and meeting other LGBTQA students has allowed me to realize how my experiences mirror their experiences. Some of my transgender friends that have transitioned are happier with their lives. I met a transgender male who has transitioned already and he looks amazing. He has been on testosterone and has had top surgery. Lots of my transgender male friends struggled with eating disorders as they tried to make themselves look more masculine.

Jan 1, 2019: I am disappointed that I didn’t receive the grade that I wanted in Chemistry II for Fall 2018 semester and I’m still wondering how a D on my transcript will affect my chances of getting into Rutgers.

Jan 25: The first Ocean Pride LGBTQ meeting was today and the members had lots of fun sharing stories and helping each other understand their experiences. The Ocean Pride LGBTQ group is amazing and always makes me feel more secure in my sense of self, the members share stories and help each other through the hard times and they also have many laughs. I feel like college is a place where I found parts of myself and a sense of belonging. I am still working on the puzzle of who I am, but I am grateful to have friends like you who inspire me to keep going when things get tough.

Feb 25: My college Ocean Pride LGBTQ group has been great and they have helped the teachers understand the struggles of the LGBTQ people on campus which is a great thing because I am glad to have my teachers’ understanding which makes me feel less stressed.

March 1: even though some days gender dysphoria makes me lose my self, I remind myself that today I’ll hold myself together and tomorrow the sun will rise again and I will heal the broken pieces.. I am not perfect and don’t want to be limited by fitting into a stereotype.

April 7: Stockton University is very LGBTQ friendly. They have a transgender community at Stockton University and I’ve met some people there because I was there once for an LGBTQ community event ..My Ocean Pride LGBTQ friends at Ocean County College are amazing and they help me when I feel stressed. They linked me to Ocean Crest mental health services that has resources to help me with my anxiety and gender dysphoria. It is helpful talking with friends and the people of Ocean Crest because the more I talk about my feelings the more I understand myself and feel better about myself.

May 13: Stockton University has accepted me and I have been working on financial aid applications with them.

May 14: The last Ocean Pride LGBTQ meeting is Friday, May 17th and it’s a celebration for the club members and also a way to welcome new members to the club. I will be at the last meeting and when I transfer to a four year university, I will revisit Ocean County College to see how the Ocean Pride LGBTQ club is doing. Hope that it continues and inspires other students as it helped me. All three universities that I’ve applied to are LGBTQ friendly.

June 18: Since my second physics exam score wasn’t the best, I received a 12/60 on it and my physics grade currently is a 53.25. I only have four more days of physics.. I hope that I can pass the physics class because I want to graduate Ocean County College and transfer to a four year university.. Currently I have dysphoria from my gender identity and also feeling worried about my career path because it seems to depend so much on this physics class.

June 20:  I think that the gender dysphoria was most prominent in high school, but I didn’t have the resources to understand what I was feeling. I managed to understand my feelings better in college after meeting the members of Ocean Pride LGBTQ at my college. I became aware that my feelings of discomfort over my body were symptoms of gender dysphoria in college.. The first semester of college, I was still finding myself and playing around with gender identity. I knew I didn’t feel feminine at all, so I decided to express masculine for a time and although it was difficult I discovered that I liked it a lot. As I began to explore myself and started to use male pronouns in my second semester, I started to feel like I could live as a male and be comfortable. It was during my third semester at Ocean County College that I started understanding myself and things began to fit together. I started going to Pride events and felt happy because I could just be myself and feel accepted. I met other people who were struggling with their gender identity and didn’t like their bodies and I found some of them that shared similar experiences. When I realized that I would prefer to live as a male and that it made me feel more comfortable, it felt like I had found a way to understand the discomfort that I felt towards my body and it made things seem clearer. I thought that understanding my emotions would help lessen the insecurity, but it has been difficult and there are times that understanding though a good thing makes me feel even more dysphoria because it makes me feel like I don’t belong in my body and it gives me a sense that I want it to change now.

June 24: I think that getting an F in physics when it is an important class for my major may have a negative impact when other colleges see it. If I retake the class again in the fall and get a better grade, I may be able to appeal to the colleges and say that I had a bad semester where I struggled a lot. I feel worried that the F will ruin chances of getting into higher education because people have said that it can affect a students application into graduate schools.. Physics is making me doubt myself and wonder about my life’s goals and I think that meditation has helped me bring some clarity. I don’t think things are going well now, but I can take steps to make them turn out okay.

Sept 18, 2019: I have started Stockton University as a sophomore studying Biochemistry/Molecular Biology and Applied Physics.. I like Stockton University because there is a LGBTQ club that helps a lot. But there are times when I feel like I’m a fragmented person and although I have a sense of self, it doesn’t feel complete. I feel like I’m trying to complete a puzzle for who I want to be but I’m not sure if I have all the pieces or if the pieces are really there. I just know that I identify as a guy.

Sept 19: I withdrew from Organic Chemistry and feel much less stressed.

Oct 18: The more I am at Stockton University, the more I feel relaxed in the atmosphere there. The atmosphere is quiet and peaceful on campus and it makes a great place to study.

Oct 31:  The Stress and Anxiety class was full the time I decided to take it. I decided to take a Meditation class so I can learn mindfulness meditations strategies to reduce stress instead.

Dec 18: The last day of the fall semester was yesterday December 17th and I am on winter break from December 18th-January 13th.

Dec 28: The stress and anxiety has lead me to working out intensely and following a strict diet and being anorexic because I want to look more like a guy and not have any curves on my body and I worry about myself. I think my main focus of living a fulfilled life is working my way to transitioning and working on scientific research.

Dec 31, 2019:  I don’t want to be lost in gender dysphoria that I lose sense of the daily life tasks that I want to learn so that I can thrive in life.

Jan 2, 2020:  I enjoy reading about other transgender men who have dysphoria because it helps me understand my feelings and feel less alone. There are times when I wonder if my path for scientific research is just so that I can earn steady income to work on transitioning.

Jan 25: Stockton University’s Wellness center has many resources for LGBTQ people. They have an LGBTQ safe space where people can hang out and meet other people…My gender dysphoria seems to have been getting more prominent because the more I know about it, the more I seem aware of it and the more I think about transitioning the more I want it to happen. I have never felt like I fit into the gender binary and I don’t like to be restricted in gender expression.. My parents do favor my brother more but I don’t think that made much influence in my decision. Asian families tend to favor cisgender men (cisgender means they were born as a guy) because in their culture they think guys are strong and can do lots of chores.

Feb 21: The counselors at Stockton have been helping me cope with my stresses and I have appointments with them every two weeks, my next appointment is February 25th.

March 2: I have been seeing the counselors at Stockton and there are psychiatrists on campus who may provide medications for anxiety. There is also a nutritionist who helps students plan healthy meals so that they have balanced energy levels throughout the day.

March 3: The counselor said that I would need to go through insurance to pick up prescriptions if the psychiatrist referred me to them. The thing is that the insurance I have is under my parents and I am afraid of having them find out if they receive a bill. I rather pay out-of-pocket if I can afford it. My parents found out about me using insurance to get lab work done once because I needed to go for lab work to check my health when I was recovering from anorexia and they yelled at me for spending money. They often think that mental health is mostly about willpower where if a person focuses on the positive they will power through and they don’t really need to go to therapy. They think that therapy is more of a luxury than a necessity.

March 17: Due to precautions about the coronavirus, I don’t have gender therapist appointments for the month of March because people are practicing “social distancing”… I withdrew from my classes on March 8th due to intense anxiety that made it difficult to focus on my mental health. I talked with the Student Success Services adviser over the phone on March 16th and said that I withdrew from my classes.

April 8: I find that the quarantine is great because it helps me de-stress and I love being out in nature. The thunderstorm cleared in the afternoon and left cloudy skies with cumulus clouds, slight breeze and a few rays of sunshine.

May 8:  Lately I’ve been having some panic attacks where I’m just crying and shaking because I just don’t know where I’m going.. I find myself lost in my thoughts of anxiety being afraid of myself and to escape those thoughts I start to work out a lot until I start to see shadows in my vision (I like to work out in the dark because it makes me feel less self-conscious) and sometimes the shadows seem like dark entities that will pull me under and I will pass away so I work out more until the shadows fade and I feel lightheaded and there are times when I pass out. After I wake, I look around the room and it seems like I see lights flickering in my vision and I tend to think that I am going into the light dissolving. And I find myself looking at memories of myself flash through my mind like a life review and I find myself feeling like it would just be better to just let go and just fade away.

May 22: The quarantine has me stuck with my parents who are straining sometimes because they don’t accept my gender identity as a guy and I just felt like there wasn’t any reason to live anymore. I didn’t want to let anyone know because I didn’t want to be weak or burden anyone and while I was fading in and out of consciousness I was warring with myself about whether to talk with anyone, I eventually reached out to my college friend and they helped me along with some other LGBTQ people online and they helped me be more alive again. I currently have stomach cramps and chills, and still feeling dizzy. I had thought that this would be the end and I was prepared to go, taking one last look at the world, but I’m grateful that I had strength to reach out because if I hadn’t I might have fallen asleep and not have woken up.

June 1: I just feel lost in gender dysphoria and anxiety. I feel like I just want to understand the world, be spiritually fulfilled and alive within myself, be out in nature and enjoy the simple things and although I still enjoy exploring science sometimes I wonder if science is just a way I chose to try to understand the world and myself and work on building myself up to transitioning and that almost makes it seem like I never really had anything that fit me I was only going after something that would help me transition because I yearn for that with every ounce of my being that I’m starting to question other things in life.

June 3, 2020: I have been having muscle aches and pains and sometimes feeling just really tired due to the anxiety so sometimes I will feel shaky and off balance starting to sway a little. I think that my parents do notice the physical symptoms at times especially sometimes when I have a sharp jabbing ache in my hip bone and I call out, but they haven’t really cared much about seeing a medical doctor. I tend to run a lot because it helps with the anxiety and sometimes I think that the stiffness in my hips is the soreness from running. Other times I think that the sharp jabs of pain every now and then in my hips is from my full binder that I use to bind my chest and hips to make them look more masculine because the binder is a bit tight at times. I was feeling really dysphoric yesterday and I used trans tape to bind my chest and also wore a binder over it. The trans tape felt great and it significantly  improved my dysphoria that I felt happy for once, but I think that I might have wrapped it on too tight because after a while I could feel it digging into my sides and when I went to remove the trans tape, I had some cuts and my chest was feeling sore. So today, I currently have soreness on my chest and the sides from trans tape that is still healing. I think that I would like to be healthy but my anxiety and gender dysphoria is making it difficult. I wish that my parents would think about checking me in with a doctor but they don’t seem to think that I really need one and they think that it would be too much money.”

* Post #3 later today, or tomorrow.

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by .

Recently I just wrote an book on how to properly control our mind & behavior during this period. I purely just here to share the great stuff with everyone here. read out more & stay Positive.

https://oneinspiring.com/landing-page/

Dear Janus:

I worked on Post #3 for a few hours this morning but need to take a break. I plan on posting the third post in this series (Posts 1-3) tomorrow, June 8.

anita