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Too Criticizing of Myself

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  • #356978
    Jan
    Participant

    Janus, I have not read all of this thread and have just realised how long it is and how long ago you started it. Therefore, I have only just seen your last posts.

    Your parents are clearly narcissistic and their demanding behaviour has taken a heavy toll on your mental health. Please seek some help, there is lots of information online about narcissism which I’m sure will help you. Please do not resort to (even abortive) suicide attempts. You will eventually get away from your parents, cling to that knowledge, there is a whole world out there that is waiting for you and you have the skills and intelligence to make it your oyster. Please believe, and remember, that you can live life YOUR way, it doesn’t have to be your parents’ way. If living life your way makes them angry, let them go. It means they have their best interests at heart, not yours. I know this a hard truth to take on board, but acceptance is better than resistance and hoping they will change. They will not.

    Please, please, no more suicide attempts. You are worth so much more than that.

    all the best

    Jan x

    #356980
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus:

    “On Friday May 22nd after taking ten Nyquil sleeping pills… I took some sleeping pills because I was having nightmares and trouble sleeping… I miscalculated the sleeping pills and took more than I should”-

    Nyquil is used to an upper respiratory combination of drugs aimed at relieving coughing, treating nose stuffiness, easing allergy signs, easing pain and fever: did you have any of these symptoms I italicized,  before taking Nyquil?

    Or did you take the medicine for its sleeping aid affect only during the day?

    I am trying to figure out your motivation for taking the pills, and what you mean by “miscalculated the sleeping pills”. I hope you can explain these things to me.

    anita

    #357349
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I took the Nyquil pills for the sleeping aid because I was feeling depressed and anxious and had been having nightmares. I was feeling quite sad before hand and after taking the Nyquil pills I felt a wave of calmness wash over me like I didn’t really care if I fell asleep and didn’t wake up. I did reach out to some LGBTQ friends who helped me. I still feel anxious in life and sometimes I feel like I’m constantly fighting myself and it’s quite straining and sometimes I just feel like I’m not really here in the world and I find myself questioning my value and whether I’m worth anything in life. My parents have never been emotionally supportive and sometimes they think I’m a disappointment because I struggle with anxiety and gender dysphoria which is sad. I think that I was mostly not caring if I lived or died when I took the sleeping pills. I saw myself through a glass and everything felt surreal like I didn’t exist and was just a walking shell in my life. I reached out to the LGBTQ friends because I cared about them a lot more than myself and they helped me. But I still find myself struggling with my life. Sometimes I wonder what career path to take because I just feel lost in gender dysphoria and anxiety. I feel like I just want to understand the world, be spiritually fulfilled and alive within myself, be out in nature and enjoy the simple things and although I still enjoy exploring science sometimes I wonder if science is just a way I chose to try to understand the world and myself and work on building myself up to transitioning and that almost makes it seem like I never really had anything that fit me I was only going after something that would help me transition because I yearn for that with every ounce of my being that I’m starting to question other things in life.

    #357350
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Jan

    Thank you so much for being here and listening. I struggle with my self-worth at times because of my parents’ criticisms. I am working on building myself up but since my parents aren’t good teachers, I feel like I have to learn everything by myself which is quite straining at times. I tend to meditate at times and meditation helps but I still need lots of practice before I can maintain the calmness because afterwards I find myself feeling anxious again. Sometimes I feel like I’m drifting away in life and I struggle just to stay alive. I want to live again but I just feel lost and although I know what I want in life, the path just seems complex. I do hope to be around for a good time in life but currently I’m struggling a lot and it seems like it’s getting worse with my mental health. When quarantine is over and school starts (hopefully I’ll have enough mental reserve to be able to take classes because my mental health caused me to withdraw from classes this semester), I’ll likely reconnect with a gender therapist. Sadly I wish I could connect with the gender therapist currently but my parents aren’t really thinking about mental health much. I don’t think that they really understand how much mental health can be a struggle at times. Wishing you well Jan and thanks for your advice. Hoping that I stay strong but it’s still difficult.

    #357362
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus:

    First thing: please feel comfortable posting here anytime: express your feelings as they are, share your truth here just as it is at any time. It helped you in the past to share here, so keep doing it. In the past (and I have been communicating with you longer than with any other member, ever since Dec 2015), you filled long, long posts with many details on academic topics, books you read, etc. I don’t want to read those kinds of long posts:  I want to read about you personally, about your heart and mind- not about academic topics and such.

    Here is my sincere input today regarding the topics you brought up today:

    1. “I took Nyquil pills for sleeping aid because I was feeling depressed and anxious and having nightmares.. I was mostly not caring if I lived or died when I took the sleeping pills”- you submitted your post today at 4:51 am your time. I suppose you have trouble sleeping: falling asleep and/ or staying asleep. You over-exercise at times (I don’t know how often) to the point of exhaustion and light headedness. Your anxiety is often severe.

    I think that it is time for you to see a medical physician for a thorough medical check, followed by a physician prescribing you with medications to help you, so that you suffer way less and feel much better.

    I understand that your parents don’t agree with you seeing a mental health professional, and will not pay for such. But I would hope that they will pay (or use health insurance) for you to a physical health professional, a medical doctor. So don’t tell your parents about your mental symptoms; tell them about the physical symptoms that you are suffering from (ex. light headedness, aches and pains), and ask for them to arrange for you to see a medical doctor. As an adult, your parents don’t have the legal right to sit with you while you talk to the doctor, and what goes on between you and the doctor should be confidential.

    2. “Sometimes I wonder what career path to take.. I still enjoy exploring science.. I’m starting to question other things in life.. When quarantine is over and school starts (hopefully I’ll have enough mental reserve to be able to take classes because my mental health caused me to withdraw from classes this semester”- your severe anxiety hurt your ability to focus on and process academic information, particularly in the context of the science lab setting, resulting in you dropping out of classes. It is therefore very important that you seek medical pharmaceutical help (#1 above) before you consider your educational and professional future.

    anita

    #357574
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I have been having muscle aches and pains and sometimes feeling just really tired due to the anxiety so sometimes I will feel shaky and off balance starting to sway a little. I think that my parents do notice the physical symptoms at times especially sometimes when I have a sharp jabbing ache in my hip bone and I call out, but they haven’t really cared much about seeing a medical doctor. I tend to run a lot because it helps with the anxiety and sometimes I think that the stiffness in my hips is the soreness from running. Other times I think that the sharp jabs of pain every now and then in my hips is from my full binder that I use to bind my chest and hips to make them look more masculine because the binder is a bit tight at times. I was feeling really dysphoric yesterday and I used trans tape to bind my chest and also wore a binder over it. The trans tape felt great and it significantly  improved my dysphoria that I felt happy for once, but I think that I might have wrapped it on too tight because after a while I could feel it digging into my sides and when I went to remove the trans tape, I had some cuts and my chest was feeling sore. So today, I currently have soreness on my chest and the sides from trans tape that is still healing. I think that I would like to be healthy but my anxiety and gender dysphoria is making it difficult. I wish that my parents would think about checking me in with a doctor but they don’t seem to think that I really need one and they think that it would be too much money.

    #357603
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus (Post #1):

    I will reply to your most recent post later (in Post #3). I spent hours this morning going over your posts from Dec 30, 2015 to  Sept 5, 2016 (the day before you started college). This post #1 will include quotes from what you shared when you were a 12th grade high school student to  few days before you started college (pages 1-40 of your thread). Post #2 will include quotes from what you shared on your first day in college to today (pages 40-85 of your thread). Post #3 will be my input on posts 1 and 2. Please wait until I complete the three posts before you reply, and give yourself time to read and absorb what’s to follow before you reply. I will submit all three posts by tomorrow. (I capitalized letters such as i changed to I for easier reading and I italicized the titles you poems you wrote):

    Dec 30, 2015: “I was bullied in seventh and eighth grade.. This lowered my self-esteem and made me adopt some negative views about myself such as that I am not athletic, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not healthy enough and especially that my weight is too much… I worry about my weight (I am 5′ 5” at 120 lb.).. I would try to workout for 30-60 minutes and eat less, but the diet I was on made me irritated because I wasn’t getting enough nutrients…I feel like I’m just drifting through life, as if I’m looking through a glass, not really here. I feel detached from myself and the world and sometimes feel numb.

    Jan 18, 2016: in sixth grade, I was bullied because I was very tomboyish .. I am currently 17.

    Jan 20: I think the underlying factors behind the stress I have are the idea that I want to be toned and 113 pounds..my parents are very hard on me to do well in school.. I am currently afraid that I might not make the grade curve to get into Rowan or Rutgers.

    Jan 22: If you have any ideas on how to remain calm when parents criticize you or when they yell that you’re not good enough or complain about their life and how stressed they are and how you don’t know how to survive in life, please give me some advice.

    Jan 29-30: my three best friends, all guys.. when we hang out, we mostly play sports.

    Feb 6: Looking into the Mirror.. looking at me, Sometimes I see a pretty reflection, sometimes I see myself worn by time, Looking into the mirror, I ask myself “Am I really me? Is this who I’m supposed to be?” .. looking at myself trying to find out who I really am, Is this the true me.. Or is it the me that’s been shaped by the world?.. Looking in the mirror, I try to see myself in the future, Sometimes my reflection looks haggard and ugly, at other times confident and self-assured, I don’t know what to believe.. The world shaping who I am.

    Feb 7: It is hard trying to find my path in life since I have so many interests especially in science. yet, I am leaning strongly toward gene therapy and going to Rutgers or Rowan.

    Feb 8: I am currently 117 pounds with a height of 5′ 5”.

    Feb 13: I feel like I have so many desires on changing who I am, I see so many inadequacies in myself.. I have been busy toning my body and I am limiting junk food like cookies.. I haven’t eaten fast food or pizza for two years and also haven’t drank soda or eaten chips in three years… I haven’t had a donut in 6 months.. I haven’t eaten a bagel (200 calories)in since months… I am currently 115 pounds and 5’ 5”… If I do eat something unhealthy even if it is very moderate, I always have a workout to cut the calories.

    Feb 16: I am nervous because I kept a tally of how many calories of junk food I ate for five days (starting from Feb. 12) to today and it turns out they added to around 400, so 80 calories each day. For Monday, I ate a cinnamon cookie.. I think i am going to hold off from eating anything unhealthy for the next three weeks. On the positive side, most of my main meals have been whole grain bread and brown rice with kale, carrots and seafood.

    Feb 26: I’m trying to be healthy in my circulation and also in my eyesight (I’ve made some progress in my eyesight and experience less eyestrain). He continues to be encouraging and tells me that he knows I am and can be healthy.

    March 4: He decided to race me since he knew I did track and it was fun, we were both laughing after running 1 mile.. My hair had fallen loose while we had been running, but it didn’t matter, it was the sheer freedom of running of pushing yourself forward that made me smile and also being with him was great… My hair was a bit messy blowing in the breeze and my sweatshirt was disheveled from running, but I was happier than I had been moments ago. Anyway, my special friend whipped out his cellphone and said “Let’s capture this special moment that we shared. I want to remember being with you.” It was so sweet what he said, but I was afraid that my hair and sweatshirt were messy, so I told him to wait before he took the picture. Anyway, while I was trying to fix my hair, the wind blew again so I just left my hair down blowing freely, when he showed me the picture I winced at the way my hair was flying around and it seemed messy, but he said that I looked beautiful and the loose hair in the wind made me seem like a free spirit which made me laugh.

    March 11: The track workout I did yesterday was fun and it was 2 laps around track (800 m, 15 minutes); throwing 1 kg discus (25 minutes); Squats with 10 lb. weights (4X8, 8,6,6); chest flies.. Incline Press… For core, I did 25 Russian twists with 8lb medicine ball (these are hard); 25 crunches; 25 leg lifts…I always enjoy being an independent person and playing sports with guys, but I’ve never really contemplated having a relationship with anyone.

    April 8: Every time I see someone else who seems better than me athletically and intelligently, I wish I were them. Andrew seems so much smarter than I am.. I feel so inadequate.

    May 20: I worry about my weight and I have been experiencing what seems to be like ‘gender disillusionment’ in which I worry about not being a good enough athlete since I’m a girl. My parents are quite patriarchal and it can be hard when I share the value that men and women are equal and should respect each other. there are times when I wonder if my guy friends think less of me b/c I’m a girl and I begin to think I’m not as a good of athlete.

    May 23: I have doubts about myself b/c of negative criticism from others and there are times when I feel that i am overweight even though I am 5′ 5” and 113 lbs. there are some athletes at my school that they think they are so great and they make fun of others who aren’t as good as them and they have such patriarchal views that it makes me annoyed.

    May 25- 27: I also managed to bench press 50 pounds and also do 5 pull-ups.. I can run 10 miles in 50 minutes.

    June 4: I have often heard other teachers compare their students to Dave and Andrew and how studious they are. For every accomplishment I make, Dave and Andrew always seem 5 steps ahead… I feel like Andrew doesn’t appreciate me for the talents I have, and he competes with me making me also be more competitive and change parts of myself to keep up.

    June 13:  I ate three shortbread hazel balls, one small slice of pizza and half a cup of soda; I am a bit irritated b/c I didn’t go to the gym on Friday or Sunday, but I did do a three mile run on Saturday in 10 minutes which burned 200 calories. Also on Monday, I ate a chocolate chip cookie, molasses cookie with chocolate fudge and a fudge graham cracker brownie. I know that I should have fun at parties at times and eating unhealthy food only a few times is okay, but I seem to be a bit annoyed still. After the parties, I often go out for a run or workout at the gym and I end up eating more fruits and vegetables and counting the calories I ate so I don’t go overboard. If it were me, I would love to avoid every party I get invited to so I can eat all healthy all the time. Also I realize that my height 5′ 5” and I have become 120 instead of 118, but most of the time I know after working out I will lose the weight, but I’m still very insecure. Oftentimes whenever I am sitting, I want to be up and working out b/c I feel as if the calories are adding up.

    July 7: I’m still the ambitious, reserved and serious girl that wants people to know her more as the intelligent and determined person. In that way I’m like the song “Miss Independent” by Kelly Clarkson. I am self-sufficient and I think I guard my heart much like the lyrics “Little Miss Independent. Little Miss Self-sufficient. Little Miss Unafraid. Little miss on her own. Keeping her heart protected she’ll never ever feel rejected.” .. In the song “Little Miss Independence walked away, no time for love that came her way. She looked into the mirror and thought today, What happened to Miss no longer afraid?” I think it will take time for me to appreciate myself and convince myself I am already perfect instead of constantly thinking of the ways I can change.

    July14: I realize there is still an inner bully within that keeps telling me to be the most perfect I can be, to be the most athletic, the smartest and then I may be able to please even those who dislike me. this inner bully makes me irritated at myself.

    July 18-19: I realize that even though I am still a little jealous of Andrew, I am also just as smart as he is and we share a lot of the same interests in science.. My inner bully has diminished and I am confident with my appearance, but my inner bully likes to sneak up when I’m working on an a science experiment or when I’m resting. The inner bully creeps in and says “you will never be a good scientist as Andrew. why even try?

    July 20: Never Enough (mistakes you always see) Everything I do, it is never good enough to you, You see my mistakes more than my accomplishments, Every step I take is another mistake to you, In your eyes, I never added up to my oldest sibling, You judged me for my grades, You judged me for my fears, All this judging has made me the way I am…I ask myself “How can I ever be good enough?”

    July 21:  I read an article about a psychologist who helps people deal with body images. She especially deals with those who have anorexia.

    July 25: My inner bully annoys me when it tells me that I don’t work out well enough or that I need to change some parts of myself to make others like me.

    July 27: Inner bully.. usually it nags me about my bodily appearance, my athletic skills or my intelligence.

    Aug 7:  I have become more confident of my body and I realize that I was always perfect the way I was, I just worried a lot about my weight and it just brought more negative views, but I’m more confident now. I am reading a book called “From Panic to Power” by Linda Bassett and it has helped me. in her book she describes her social anxiety of being judged by people.

    Aug 12:  I think most of my career is headed in the medical field b/c I have a lot of information in my mind about human and animal systems. I want to be a molecular biologist and study how to help people prevent diseases such as cancer.

    Aug 16: I had a dream last night that I was walking along a bridge through a forest being guided by a wise old man in a blue robe.. he lead me to a camping site near a mountain where people were building fires.. upon arrival, the people looked up and I heard a voice say “you have brought her to the right place. Here she will find her place to heal and be herself.

    Aug 19:  I am waiting to consult with my guidance counselor to help me with the process. Ocean County College is 2 years and then Rutgers university is 4 years for masters (if I can transfer my credits..). I am interested in going for the cancer research program at Rutgers and taking a course in biology at OCC. I will probably continue for a PhD at Rutgers or maybe go to Stockton university… I also bench pressed to help my triceps and also did push-ups. I also tightened my abs.

    Aug 27:  I learned not to be so self-conscious of myself from Portia de Rossi’s book called “Unbearable Loss and Gain” which is the true story of an actress who struggles with her body and ends up accepting herself. Portia talks about how.. she was a size eight and her stomach was too big and also her thighs. At 5′ 7” inches and 130.. she began to lower her calorie intake to 800, to 400 and finally 300..Like Portia, I like acting and I don’t like being a model at all.

    Aug 31:  I remember one of the quotes from The Bell Jar ..When Sylvia says this “Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me, Searching my reaches for what she really is. Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.” I feel she is looking into herself, looking at her reflection and searching for her true self.

    Sept 1: I have wanted to be athletic since seventh grade when I was bullied for athleticism, but once I achieved it, I still didn’t think I was perfect b/c I wanted to be smarter.. We can’t keep changing ourselves for the better when we feel insecure on the inside.. I want to find a way to live happily on the inside, then when I feel happy on the inside I can reflect it on the outside.

    Sept 2, 2016:  My parents’ judgmental views get on my nerves a lot of the time. I have a few friends who are bisexual, gay and transgender. Here are the reasons I don’t get along with my family: both of my parents and brother don’t like LGBT people…They are very patriarchal and think that girls can’t be scientists or shouldn’t bench press or do pull-ups. I am the polar opposite of my mom who likes shopping for clothes, fashion, jewelry and flowers. I rather wear shorts and a t-shirt as opposed to a skirt and I enjoy keeping my hair short b/c when I do science labs long hair is a hazard and also so it doesn’t blow in my face when I’m working out. They criticize me and say I have no life skills and I’m nothing compared to my brother.”

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
    #357664
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus:

    I apologize, it will be longer before I post the second and third posts to you.

    anita

    #357701
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus:

    I just put a post #3 for you but got confused regarding the dates, so I will postpone submitting to till tomorrow. I apologize for the delay. I hope you are okay. Please do your very best to relax and keep my suggestion in mind regarding seeing a medical doctor regarding prescribing a medication for you, for a short term relief of anxiety. (You don’t have to tell your parents all of the reasons y0u  need to see a medical doctor).

    anita

    #357755
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus (Post #2):

    Sept 8, 2016 : “Third day of school had a lot more work.. Andrew seems a bit annoyed at me today b/c.. I also got a better score than he did on the ap biology study review on chapter 54.

    Sept 11: I just read an article about how outdated the word “tomboy” is and how it can be offensive to girls. society should be celebrating the strong, independent women who can play sports, withstand injuries as a symbol of feminism.. Just b/c a girl wears shorts and cuts her hair short doesn’t mean she is trying to be a male, it means she is having her own terms of free expression. Tomboy diminishes the power of girls by saying that the girl is acting like a guy so it’s almost saying boys are better. Women in our society are not powerless and should be allowed to play sports, dress in shorts and wear their hair short…I don’t get along with my parents, they think women who play sports, wear shorts are too much like a guy. They think it is weird that I am going for a science career and i like computer science. But the first computer science person was a woman in the 1940s since men were at war. My mom esp. thinks women are limited and won’t even exercise to keep healthy even though she needs to  boost her circulation. my mom also doesn’t eat enough even when I try to tell her she needs to eat more she only eats a slice of bread not a whole sandwich.

    Sept 28:  I don’t think I’ll ever have a boyfriend b/c I am very independent and I tend to have high standards when it comes to a guy. I want someone who is a scientist (since I love science) and is good at math, knows about computers and tool working, likes nature and camping.

    Oct 10: My parents.. they are very patriarchal and no matter how much I work out, do well in school, they focus more on my brother and praise him more every time I try to be optimistic or positive and assert my self-esteem, they say “you are being to prideful.” If I try to talk to them to seek advice for a friend who is LGBT or depressed, they say “she/he is crazy. you shouldn’t associate with them.”

    Oct 19:  I have a lot of guy friends from sports and I’m around guys a lot and I also find girls are fun to be around for parties and school work. I like to work with girls in science a lot of the time. not many girls like science b/c they assume it is for males, so I’m always grateful when i see a girl who likes science. But since I’ve disguised myself as a guy before in the past to be safe, I feel as if I can see both sides of the coin. as if I’m more than just on the surface, that my soul is genderless, neither male or female. I feel as if I can connect to both sides.

    Oct 22:  I don’t care if people think that girls shouldn’t dress as superheroes, I do it anyway. Who says a girl can’t be strong and help save people as well? I hate gender roles that girls have to be princesses and damsels in distress or not sports types b/c I’m not like that. when people tell me that I should stop bench pressing or that I should stop camping, hiking b/c they are guy things, that makes me quite annoyed. I like being out in nature, challenging myself and if I fall climbing something, I’ll be okay.

    Oct 25: The first computer programmers in 1940 were women since men were at war, bullet proof vests and fire escapes were made by women.

    Oct 29:  I am sick of my inner bully, but I found another reason why it has shown up lately. remember the story I told you about how the inner bully was triggered by the guy being mean towards me for wearing a leotard.. Another guy told me something mean? while I just walked away and lately I’ve been feeling guilty wondering if I should have defended myself instead, would that have made me feel better? currently I have been helping people who are suicidal, depressed, bullied, LGBT, most of those who need a hand to stand up for themselves. I feel glad that I’m giving them a chance and teaching them to stand up for themselves, but I feel guilty that I just walked away when I was faced by myself with a bullying situation. I wish I could have that same courage for myself. the courage I use to help them defend themselves, but I’m not sure I have it. I will continue to make the inner bully physical and I will heal and smash that inner bully.

    Nov 5: My inner bully has come back again and it has been annoying me lately. It’s like I have a hollow hole where my heart used to be and the inner bully has lodged into it. it speaks in my mind “not good enough, too fat, fail, failure, loser, never going to amount to anything in life.” it summons whirlpools that drown me in. i am sick of the inner bully. I didn’t get enough sleep Tuesday b/c I was afraid I wasn’t working out enough so I decided to work out a little and it helped curb the inner bully. then on wed. i haven’t been working out as much b/c of school work so that’s another thing the inner bully has been attacking me on.

    Nov 27:  My inner bully will say “look at all these people, they are all saying you are worthless. you are weak as a girl. why don’t you change?”.. Over the summer, I had two weeks of confidence without the inner bully and it was shattered when my mom’s temper got the best of her and she yelled at me that I had my head in the clouds and I was a slow person. I feel like I am a bad person because I feel at the moment I can’t forgive her for some of the things she said. my inner bully takes after her and uses some of her patriarchal views to target me. I’m constantly battling the words that tell me that I’m not good enough for this career, I’m not strong enough for this and I just want to isolate myself from the world i live in now and find myself amidst all this chatter.

    Nov 29:  I had a dream that my eyesight got great and my circulation healed and I have a strange feeling that there are improvements.

    Dec 6: School is a bit stressful this year since it’s my last year in high school. I took ap calc and ap biology and both classes take a lot of my time studying, taking notes. Currently I am debating on dropping java (computer programming) or not.. Even though I was nervous during my ap calc test, I managed to get a 100 on it.

    Dec 19: My inner bully is emotionally and physically draining. Its incessant chatter annoys me and makes me irritated.

    Dec 21, 2016: My inner bully has been nagging me these days. it keeps saying that I’m a weak person and that I never will amount to anything. It keeps nagging on the fact that i usually work out for thirty minutes and since these days I’ve been busy, it keeps saying to me ” you are ugly and fat, go exercise.

    Jan 2, 2017:  Today is the last day of winter break and tomorrow starts school. The first few days of winter break were fun since I was studying science which is my favorite subject. After I was done with the science terms, I started feeling restless about my gender again mostly due to the inner bully ragging on me.

    Jan 12: These days I feel like my inner bully has taken 55% of me and the other 45% left is someone I don’t know anymore. I feel I have lost myself.. There are some guys in my lunch that aren’t the very nicest and they make fun of me for being smart and for being a girl. I feel like i don’t want to be a girl if they see it as weak and only guys work out and play competitive sports, but I don’t want to be a guy either. I’ve lost my sense of gender.

    Jan 13: How do I find myself again since I feel lost in a gender void?

    Jan 17: here are two sides of me warring with each other, one side that wants to follow the labels and another side that wants to break free and live as my soul. The side that wants to live with the labels is still afraid of people’s criticisms and also wants to stay in the lines. The other side that wants to be my soul is about living life being who I am. I want to merge both of them, but I’m not sure how.

    March 9: I find myself trying to push for more, more in athleticism, more in academics trying to cover every flaw. Yet, I can’t run or keep hiding my flaws because they are currently distracting me when I’m alone.

    March 19: Lately there is a fear that keeps surfacing about my weight and appearance and I am struggling on overcoming it.  Every time I think of facing it somehow, there is a voice that keeps me back and tells me people will judge me harshly. I feel as if I’m constantly on guard to avoid being hurt so I hide myself.

    May 3: there are five more days till the AP Biology exam and tensions between classmates are high. We are still friends, but there is a lot of competition lately in the classroom. I have noticed that Andrew and I both may be right on a question, but we both will argue our point and question the other.

    (No posts May 4- -Nov 14, 2017)

    Nov 15, 2017: It’s been awhile since I have been on, but college has so much to learn and experience and I’ve been having lots of fun. Andrew went away to military school, Dave and I lost touch and Steve (my lunch buddy) goes to a college in New York City. I have made lots of friends at college and also see my special friend on campus.

    Jan 12, 2018 :Lately, I’ve been feeling detached from myself and identifying as more masculine to give me strength and it feels like that part of me has taken over and I’m unsure of who my real self is anymore. How do I explain to my parents that I want to express myself the way I want even with their criticisms?..The LGBT community is helping me be more confident with who I am.

    March 31: The LGBT community at my college plays a big role in my life and I feel like I’ve found acceptance there.. I have also begun to make peace with myself and have gone to a therapist who has helped me understand my gender identity.. I’ve been bringing home resources from the pride group at my college and the LGBT community and sharing them with my parents explaining to them how these things and people play a part in my life and have helped me in discovering who I am.

    April 16: Ocean Pride LGBT group has helped me better understand myself..my parents have expressed that they won’t support me financially if I transition then and I’m not sure I can have enough money to pay for college without their support so I’m going to wait until I’m 25. Currently, I struggle with gender dysphoria at times but it’s not too bad because I’ve also gone to a therapist to talk about it and it makes me feel better.. Also at my college, I have been using the name Janus because he is the Roman god of new beginnings and transitioning. His name lends to the month of January in which I was born. Socially transitioning and seeking therapy has been a new beginning for me and I feel like I’m closer to finding myself.

    May 15: I feel like controlling my body by being anorexic makes me more masculine and also hides the insecurities I have. One insecurity I have is that I am not strong enough to be a male and this results in me feeling anxious if I miss a day of exercise because I fear I’ll lose muscle mass.

    June 1: I’m not alive at times and I sometimes question if I truly exist in this world or I’m just an immaterial being of my thoughts. Sometimes I like this feeling because I feel like I can mold myself into the person I see myself as and at other times this gives me anxiety because I feel like I’m not feeling anything but passing through life.

    June 7: There are days when I feel like things are moving too slowly and I become depressed. On those days, I go back to over-exercising and controlling my eating because I feel like I’m not doing enough to move things forward and want to do more, but not sure how…I get depressed and wonder if I’ll ever build my confidence to achieve my goals. At those times of shaken confidence and doubts with whether I can be more true self, I feel intense gender dysphoria and find myself wishing I was gone from this world. My thoughts are foggy, my heart aches and I feel alone like I’ve just had all my hopes dashed when I entered a tunnel of no light.

    June 13:  Sometimes the bitterness in my mind brings a question that fuels my frustration with my parents and that question is ‘Is it that hard to accept me as I choose to identify? Are you so short-sighted that you only see the flaws in me?” In my anger and irritation at them, sometimes my thoughts pound in my head and the consistent thought obscures all else as I think “All I want is to transition to be a man. I don’t think I can live with myself anymore going daily floating through life not fully living.” Sometimes I feel like being anorexic will make me skinnier and make me look more masculine and I think about what it would be like to die from anorexia and silence my inner critic’s voice. I think “What if I made myself so skinny that my chest would be extremely flat? What if I died trying to be a man, would that make me happier than the life I’m living now?” These thoughts often scare me and make me feel numb and at times I cry. I’m scared of anorexia, but I’m more scared of not living my life and looking masculine so it feels like two sides war with each other. The constant thoughts that pound in my head, the ache of my muscles as I over-exercise to escape the emotional pain and the constant feeling like I don’t exist in this world- like I’m just drifting make me wonder whether I’m really making progress in life. I do not want to lose myself and every time I feel like I’m losing myself I go to the edge.

    Sept 19: The summer months were emotionally exhausting since my parents did not accept my gender identity and did not think it necessary for me to visit the therapist. I felt alone with a raging inner critic and I would burst into tears at least twice every two weeks. I struggled with disordered eating, avoiding certain foods and at other times eating a lot because I didn’t feel full. Then I was filled with self-hatred because I felt I had lost control over my restriction with food and my body wouldn’t be masculine enough so I would work out to the extreme and eat little for days to burn off the calories…all I can think about is my gender identity and it consumes my mind…always the same obsessive thought that I’m trying to escape from. When I feel overwhelmed from all of it, it’s like my mental processes are sluggish and being controlled by this one loop that goes round and round and I go between different selves to placate the voice.

    Oct 10: I don’t know how to be that self of me when  it seems like there really isn’t much of a self out of the shell of stereotypes. And I find myself wondering about the depression and anorexia.. I wonder how much will be left as these shells seem to disintegrate leaving me feeling more confused about myself than I was before. I know one thing for certain that I feel more comfortable as male. I don’t know what my own definition of masculinity is away from the world’s stereotypes and I am still exploring that… I think about the people at college who embrace me for me and tell me I’m valid for who I choose to be. I don’t feel valid in my feelings when I’m around my parents because they have expectations of what men and women can do that make them masculine or feminine. I feel lost as to who I am as a person. I don’t want to live in the shell of stereotypes society casts for me, but I don’t know myself outside the box either. I try to get rid of the box and sometimes the constraints get tighter as people like my parents try to put their expectations on me and at other times I just don’t know who I’d be without the box or whether I actually am alive. Is there really a person who is me on this earth? Has the life I’ve been living truly life?

    Oct 31: I am glad to have Ocean Pride LGBTQ club at my college which I have met some new friends who encourage me to be more positive each day. I know I can’t really think outside the box when I’m living with my parents, but I do try to reduce the anxiety by meditating, working on healthy eating habits (still combating anorexia, but it’s getting better).

    Nov 20: Ever since I came out as transgender male, I’ve had people who adamantly don’t accept my gender identity and purposefully tell me that I have to prove to them that I’m transgender. Some say I’m not masculine enough and that I’m not a man yet because I haven’t had the medical transition. But the medical transition is quite expensive and I’m working my way to it by getting a good education so I can become a genetic engineer and work on saving up for it.

    Dec 4: Some people that I hang out with from the LGBTQ group at college are good acquaintances.. we support each other when we feel sad.

    Dec 7: Gender isn’t a binary thing, it’s a spectrum.. Wearing a chest binder helps with the dysphoria, but putting it on sometimes makes me feel dysphoric because I feel like I’m just hiding my chest and the insecurity of possibly having the chest binder not making my chest flat enough sometimes contributes to dysphoria. I dislike the summer months the most because I feel more exposed without the layers covering my body. I have started to wear looser clothes in case my chest binder doesn’t hide the “bumps” of my chest. My chest causes me the most anxiety. Also I always feel tense when I feel like someone might misgender me, like an old acquaintance that doesn’t know my gender.

    Dec 9, 2018: Sometimes when people tell me how to present masculinity I feel like I’m being placed into stereotypes of masculinity and I don’t like that. I want to be happy being myself and presenting my gender identity in a way that feels right for me and when people give me ideas on how to be more masculine, I feel conflicted…I have such dysphoria that makes it hard to concentrate on tasks some days as I wish my chest would be flatter. I know testosterone will help redistribute the fat in my body and help build more muscle so my chest will look flatter. I will also have a lower, deeper voice and grow facial hair that will make me feel more masculine. I know that testosterone will make me feel less stressed about my body as it changes it to be more masculine and I won’t feel so dysphoric at times that I have to work out to the extreme to escape my emotional turmoil. Mastectomy (top surgery to remove the chest) usually requires a transgender person to be on testosterone for six months or more and sometimes you have to live a year as a male before top surgery. The recovery for top surgery is six months at the quickest and it is painful as I’ve met transgender males who are in the process of top surgery and their chest bandages are quite tight and they have to use dialysis bags to help regulate blood flow. I’m not sure about top surgery, but I know I’ll probably start hormones some time soon…Gender is a interesting topic that I have been exploring for a while since the started questioning my gender identity. I wasn’t sure about myself at first but being in college and meeting other LGBTQA students has allowed me to realize how my experiences mirror their experiences. Some of my transgender friends that have transitioned are happier with their lives. I met a transgender male who has transitioned already and he looks amazing. He has been on testosterone and has had top surgery. Lots of my transgender male friends struggled with eating disorders as they tried to make themselves look more masculine.

    Jan 1, 2019: I am disappointed that I didn’t receive the grade that I wanted in Chemistry II for Fall 2018 semester and I’m still wondering how a D on my transcript will affect my chances of getting into Rutgers.

    Jan 25: The first Ocean Pride LGBTQ meeting was today and the members had lots of fun sharing stories and helping each other understand their experiences. The Ocean Pride LGBTQ group is amazing and always makes me feel more secure in my sense of self, the members share stories and help each other through the hard times and they also have many laughs. I feel like college is a place where I found parts of myself and a sense of belonging. I am still working on the puzzle of who I am, but I am grateful to have friends like you who inspire me to keep going when things get tough.

    Feb 25: My college Ocean Pride LGBTQ group has been great and they have helped the teachers understand the struggles of the LGBTQ people on campus which is a great thing because I am glad to have my teachers’ understanding which makes me feel less stressed.

    March 1: even though some days gender dysphoria makes me lose my self, I remind myself that today I’ll hold myself together and tomorrow the sun will rise again and I will heal the broken pieces.. I am not perfect and don’t want to be limited by fitting into a stereotype.

    April 7: Stockton University is very LGBTQ friendly. They have a transgender community at Stockton University and I’ve met some people there because I was there once for an LGBTQ community event ..My Ocean Pride LGBTQ friends at Ocean County College are amazing and they help me when I feel stressed. They linked me to Ocean Crest mental health services that has resources to help me with my anxiety and gender dysphoria. It is helpful talking with friends and the people of Ocean Crest because the more I talk about my feelings the more I understand myself and feel better about myself.

    May 13: Stockton University has accepted me and I have been working on financial aid applications with them.

    May 14: The last Ocean Pride LGBTQ meeting is Friday, May 17th and it’s a celebration for the club members and also a way to welcome new members to the club. I will be at the last meeting and when I transfer to a four year university, I will revisit Ocean County College to see how the Ocean Pride LGBTQ club is doing. Hope that it continues and inspires other students as it helped me. All three universities that I’ve applied to are LGBTQ friendly.

    June 18: Since my second physics exam score wasn’t the best, I received a 12/60 on it and my physics grade currently is a 53.25. I only have four more days of physics.. I hope that I can pass the physics class because I want to graduate Ocean County College and transfer to a four year university.. Currently I have dysphoria from my gender identity and also feeling worried about my career path because it seems to depend so much on this physics class.

    June 20:  I think that the gender dysphoria was most prominent in high school, but I didn’t have the resources to understand what I was feeling. I managed to understand my feelings better in college after meeting the members of Ocean Pride LGBTQ at my college. I became aware that my feelings of discomfort over my body were symptoms of gender dysphoria in college.. The first semester of college, I was still finding myself and playing around with gender identity. I knew I didn’t feel feminine at all, so I decided to express masculine for a time and although it was difficult I discovered that I liked it a lot. As I began to explore myself and started to use male pronouns in my second semester, I started to feel like I could live as a male and be comfortable. It was during my third semester at Ocean County College that I started understanding myself and things began to fit together. I started going to Pride events and felt happy because I could just be myself and feel accepted. I met other people who were struggling with their gender identity and didn’t like their bodies and I found some of them that shared similar experiences. When I realized that I would prefer to live as a male and that it made me feel more comfortable, it felt like I had found a way to understand the discomfort that I felt towards my body and it made things seem clearer. I thought that understanding my emotions would help lessen the insecurity, but it has been difficult and there are times that understanding though a good thing makes me feel even more dysphoria because it makes me feel like I don’t belong in my body and it gives me a sense that I want it to change now.

    June 24: I think that getting an F in physics when it is an important class for my major may have a negative impact when other colleges see it. If I retake the class again in the fall and get a better grade, I may be able to appeal to the colleges and say that I had a bad semester where I struggled a lot. I feel worried that the F will ruin chances of getting into higher education because people have said that it can affect a students application into graduate schools.. Physics is making me doubt myself and wonder about my life’s goals and I think that meditation has helped me bring some clarity. I don’t think things are going well now, but I can take steps to make them turn out okay.

    Sept 18, 2019: I have started Stockton University as a sophomore studying Biochemistry/Molecular Biology and Applied Physics.. I like Stockton University because there is a LGBTQ club that helps a lot. But there are times when I feel like I’m a fragmented person and although I have a sense of self, it doesn’t feel complete. I feel like I’m trying to complete a puzzle for who I want to be but I’m not sure if I have all the pieces or if the pieces are really there. I just know that I identify as a guy.

    Sept 19: I withdrew from Organic Chemistry and feel much less stressed.

    Oct 18: The more I am at Stockton University, the more I feel relaxed in the atmosphere there. The atmosphere is quiet and peaceful on campus and it makes a great place to study.

    Oct 31:  The Stress and Anxiety class was full the time I decided to take it. I decided to take a Meditation class so I can learn mindfulness meditations strategies to reduce stress instead.

    Dec 18: The last day of the fall semester was yesterday December 17th and I am on winter break from December 18th-January 13th.

    Dec 28: The stress and anxiety has lead me to working out intensely and following a strict diet and being anorexic because I want to look more like a guy and not have any curves on my body and I worry about myself. I think my main focus of living a fulfilled life is working my way to transitioning and working on scientific research.

    Dec 31, 2019:  I don’t want to be lost in gender dysphoria that I lose sense of the daily life tasks that I want to learn so that I can thrive in life.

    Jan 2, 2020:  I enjoy reading about other transgender men who have dysphoria because it helps me understand my feelings and feel less alone. There are times when I wonder if my path for scientific research is just so that I can earn steady income to work on transitioning.

    Jan 25: Stockton University’s Wellness center has many resources for LGBTQ people. They have an LGBTQ safe space where people can hang out and meet other people…My gender dysphoria seems to have been getting more prominent because the more I know about it, the more I seem aware of it and the more I think about transitioning the more I want it to happen. I have never felt like I fit into the gender binary and I don’t like to be restricted in gender expression.. My parents do favor my brother more but I don’t think that made much influence in my decision. Asian families tend to favor cisgender men (cisgender means they were born as a guy) because in their culture they think guys are strong and can do lots of chores.

    Feb 21: The counselors at Stockton have been helping me cope with my stresses and I have appointments with them every two weeks, my next appointment is February 25th.

    March 2: I have been seeing the counselors at Stockton and there are psychiatrists on campus who may provide medications for anxiety. There is also a nutritionist who helps students plan healthy meals so that they have balanced energy levels throughout the day.

    March 3: The counselor said that I would need to go through insurance to pick up prescriptions if the psychiatrist referred me to them. The thing is that the insurance I have is under my parents and I am afraid of having them find out if they receive a bill. I rather pay out-of-pocket if I can afford it. My parents found out about me using insurance to get lab work done once because I needed to go for lab work to check my health when I was recovering from anorexia and they yelled at me for spending money. They often think that mental health is mostly about willpower where if a person focuses on the positive they will power through and they don’t really need to go to therapy. They think that therapy is more of a luxury than a necessity.

    March 17: Due to precautions about the coronavirus, I don’t have gender therapist appointments for the month of March because people are practicing “social distancing”… I withdrew from my classes on March 8th due to intense anxiety that made it difficult to focus on my mental health. I talked with the Student Success Services adviser over the phone on March 16th and said that I withdrew from my classes.

    April 8: I find that the quarantine is great because it helps me de-stress and I love being out in nature. The thunderstorm cleared in the afternoon and left cloudy skies with cumulus clouds, slight breeze and a few rays of sunshine.

    May 8:  Lately I’ve been having some panic attacks where I’m just crying and shaking because I just don’t know where I’m going.. I find myself lost in my thoughts of anxiety being afraid of myself and to escape those thoughts I start to work out a lot until I start to see shadows in my vision (I like to work out in the dark because it makes me feel less self-conscious) and sometimes the shadows seem like dark entities that will pull me under and I will pass away so I work out more until the shadows fade and I feel lightheaded and there are times when I pass out. After I wake, I look around the room and it seems like I see lights flickering in my vision and I tend to think that I am going into the light dissolving. And I find myself looking at memories of myself flash through my mind like a life review and I find myself feeling like it would just be better to just let go and just fade away.

    May 22: The quarantine has me stuck with my parents who are straining sometimes because they don’t accept my gender identity as a guy and I just felt like there wasn’t any reason to live anymore. I didn’t want to let anyone know because I didn’t want to be weak or burden anyone and while I was fading in and out of consciousness I was warring with myself about whether to talk with anyone, I eventually reached out to my college friend and they helped me along with some other LGBTQ people online and they helped me be more alive again. I currently have stomach cramps and chills, and still feeling dizzy. I had thought that this would be the end and I was prepared to go, taking one last look at the world, but I’m grateful that I had strength to reach out because if I hadn’t I might have fallen asleep and not have woken up.

    June 1: I just feel lost in gender dysphoria and anxiety. I feel like I just want to understand the world, be spiritually fulfilled and alive within myself, be out in nature and enjoy the simple things and although I still enjoy exploring science sometimes I wonder if science is just a way I chose to try to understand the world and myself and work on building myself up to transitioning and that almost makes it seem like I never really had anything that fit me I was only going after something that would help me transition because I yearn for that with every ounce of my being that I’m starting to question other things in life.

    June 3, 2020: I have been having muscle aches and pains and sometimes feeling just really tired due to the anxiety so sometimes I will feel shaky and off balance starting to sway a little. I think that my parents do notice the physical symptoms at times especially sometimes when I have a sharp jabbing ache in my hip bone and I call out, but they haven’t really cared much about seeing a medical doctor. I tend to run a lot because it helps with the anxiety and sometimes I think that the stiffness in my hips is the soreness from running. Other times I think that the sharp jabs of pain every now and then in my hips is from my full binder that I use to bind my chest and hips to make them look more masculine because the binder is a bit tight at times. I was feeling really dysphoric yesterday and I used trans tape to bind my chest and also wore a binder over it. The trans tape felt great and it significantly  improved my dysphoria that I felt happy for once, but I think that I might have wrapped it on too tight because after a while I could feel it digging into my sides and when I went to remove the trans tape, I had some cuts and my chest was feeling sore. So today, I currently have soreness on my chest and the sides from trans tape that is still healing. I think that I would like to be healthy but my anxiety and gender dysphoria is making it difficult. I wish that my parents would think about checking me in with a doctor but they don’t seem to think that I really need one and they think that it would be too much money.”

    * Post #3 later today, or tomorrow.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
    #357759
    Jan
    Participant

    Dear Janus

    I have come back to this thread because it seems to me that this whole thing has been going on for far too long – years – and that is not healthy. Are you really interested in helping yourself or are you just here to sound off and get attention?

    I’m sorry if it sounds harsh but you are now, I think, about 20 and should be taking matters into your own hands and searching the internet for the information I mentioned to you that will help you to help yourself. Your long and repeated posts are very self-indulgent. Anita, you are also indulging yourself stringing this thread out mostly, I believe, for your benefit not Janus’s.

    Janus, are you really sure you want to transition from female to male? I really wonder whether you think you want to be male because you have been fed the message by your parents that male is better than female. Please think carefully before you go any further and also, please don’t rely on drugs to alter your mental state but on solid information that will help you start to change your negative beliefs about yourself and prepare you for a better, happier life. Do not wreck your life trying to please your parents when what you want is way more important than what they want. If they are unkind to you because of your life choices, or simply because you are not your brother or not male, let them go. Seriously, get them out of your life.

    You seem to have one or two good friends, build your friendships. You are serious about pursuing a scientific career and your sports, so you do have things you believe in going on in your life. Complete your education, get out of your parents’ clutches and live your own life. You know, much of what you feel is in line with what most people feel, i.e. the feeling good some days when you look in the mirror and bad other days, having an inner critic (do you honestly think you’re the only one that has this?). That’s life, I suggest you get a handle on it and stop feeling so sorry for yourself.

    I have great sympathy for you, I am the daughter of narcissistic parents myself and I am a good deal older than you. I did not have the benefit of the internet and books which are now available which are full of information that could have helped me to a better life if I had known at your age what I know now. Get a grip, arm yourself with the information which is freely available to you and set yourself up for a successful life. Or, you can wallow in self-pity and allow your parents’ prejudices to wreck it. It’s your call, but don’t lean on this forum to help you through the rest of your life.

    I sincerely hope this helps, it is kindly meant.

    Jan

     

    #357796
    Chloe
    Participant

    Recently I just wrote an book on how to properly control our mind & behavior during this period. I purely just here to share the great stuff with everyone here. read out more & stay Positive.

    https://oneinspiring.com/landing-page/

    #357797
    Chloe
    Participant

    Recently I just wrote an book on how to properly control our mind & behavior during this period. I purely just here to share the great stuff with everyone here. read out more & stay Positive.

    “Wire your mind with this Power”  

    This book generally mention most of my self learn experiences on how to properly control our mindset & how can we deal better manage during your ups & down moment. In this way, we are not just increasing our mind EQ & also generally training your mind to handle even greater challengers ahead. read on for more detail.

    sharing is what we love to do.

    #357845
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus:

    I worked on Post #3 for a few hours this morning but need to take a break. I plan on posting the third post in this series (Posts 1-3) tomorrow, June 8.

    anita

    #357893
    Jan
    Participant

    ‘third post in this series’? What? Anita, why are you turning Janus’s problems into an opportunity to self-aggrandize? You are being very manipulative, making Janus wait, requiring her to hang on your every word, and trying to make her feel shame and guilt because you ‘need to take a break’! This is the equivalent of saying ‘after all I did for you!’ Stop doing this to her, and to others, stop using this forum to exercise control over vulnerable people.

    You clearly have issues of your own – don’t we all? But instead of working on your own issues you are more or less running this forum in a very self-indulgent way and expecting people to rely on you while you keep them in pain with your controlling techniques. You are quite a dangerous person.

    I’m surprised the owner of this website allows it to happen.

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