Forum Replies Created
July 19, 2020 at 4:31 am #362072
The court case was moved to June 24th and it went okay, the prosecutor helped me work on things and discuss it with the judge. I have been actively involved with the LGBTQ community online and found many good friends. The month of June went by quite quickly with good weather that wasn’t too hot but July is quite warm. The thunderstorms in July are helpful in keeping the weather cool though. I often go outside in nature to relax a bit and I talk with friends. I still feel anxious about things at times and sometimes I just need a break but I think that I’m managing. Thank you so much for all your encouragement. Lately I’ve been debating about my career path because I love nature and it would be fun to go into environmental science but I feel like I’ve been studying Biochemistry for three years and have some resumes and things set up already and I think Biochemistry makes more money and I will be able to save up money for good healthcare and transitioning. The quarantine has helped me be out in nature collecting plants and using them as nutritional herbal teas and I find that I enjoy being out in nature more than being in a lab. I love hearing the birds singing and the quiet peaceful atmosphere of the woods. That’s why I love the atmosphere at Stockton with the woods near by and I have been thinking that if I decide to work in a lab or hospital I want a place with lots of nature. I am currently feeling conflicted about how to have both science studies and nature as part of my career. I thought maybe of studying environmental biology and learning about the environment and plants and that sounds like fun. But I also want to work on building plants for medicine and I think that Biochemistry is more helpful. So I’m just wondering if there’s a way to be able to find a good career with nature and medicine which will help me become financially independent. Thank you and hope you have a good week ahead.June 15, 2020 at 6:01 am #358594
I wrote a poem:
Friendship Lights the Way Home poem:
Home is where friends are in the heart
Staring out into the night, the vast darkness seems to engulf me in fear and I find myself lost again
Then I see the stars shining bright illuminating my way and I feel the warmth of friendship lighting my way
Stretching my arms out into the heavens, I give my friends the biggest hug as they help me embrace the flaws within me, helping me heal and feel whole
I’ve not always been the best person but the miles with friends make life beautiful and I learn to forgive myself for my mistakes
Friends give me a reason to live and feel like I’m home in the world when I lose my place
Looking at the stars twinkling, I am guided again by light to shine upon my negative thoughts and heal
I stretch my arms out and learn to dance and laugh with life’s beat all because of friends like you who uplift my soul
And the pains of anxiety that can be hard to bear at times seem to fall away as I’m with friends who help me me with each step
Whatever road I take I know I’ll be okay because I have friends to help me along the way
And I find myself learning to forgive my fragmented parts and embrace the light with your encouragement
You’re a great friend who makes life beautiful
And I find myself no matter what road traveling on, I have peace because friends are like home in the heart giving peace and making me feel like I belong
And when I feel like I’m not enough, your positivity keeps me going and I find my wings again to fly towards my dreams
I’m making my way back home to follow my heart’s dreams with your encouragement and I am blessed to have a friend like you.
May your heart beat on the path towards your life’s purpose friend and may you shine like a star during the dark nights
May anything that burdens you physically, emotionally or mentally be lifted and you fly away light upon the winds to touch the warmth of the sun and let it dissolve any stubborn negative blocks in your heart
May you be healed and always know that you are special and may the places you go be filled with positivity
There is no fear in the spirit that loves and I love you friend, thanks for being who you are
Dance to the beat of your soul and keep striving along the roads of life and believe that you are going home.June 15, 2020 at 4:50 am #358586
Hope you are well. I have a virtual (online) court case for a ticket I received on February 24th (coronavirus has pushed court dates back) Wednesday. I wrote a statement explaining what happened so that I would be able to testify in court. I know that I am guilty and will say that in court and pay the fines, the reason I want to testify and make a statement is so that I won’t have points on my driving record. I want to make a plea bargain of paying more cost so that I won’t have points on my license or if the judge rules that I will get points on my license because the ticket I received on February 24th was for careless driving I want to suggest that I take a driving course to improve my driving skills and maybe that will soften the sentence. I looked at the violations and careless driving is usually 2-3 points and I’m hoping to not incur points on my license because I drive a lot to places like school on my own since my parents work, I have to work on driving on my own and I try to avoid getting traffic violations as much as I can. I am a pretty safe driver but occasionally my anxiety gets to me when I see a road closed off and sometimes I make mistakes but I always learn from them.
Since this is my first court case and it’s online, I have been reading some things on njcourts.gov, but I still feel a bit nervous. If you have some advice it would be greatly appreciated. For reference here is the statement that I wrote: “Sorry, I live in Brick and just started school at Stockton University. On February 24th, I was driving home from college on County Road 539 and I saw the cones and road work sign. At first, I followed the cones to drive until the roadwork area almost passed and I saw a black car on the opposite lane and since the sun was very bright off my glasses that I wear to drive, I didn’t see clearly and thought the car was moving. I was afraid that I would hit the car and decided to swerve into the cones and wait until the car passed and then drive back out. ”
Thank you and have a good week ahead!June 12, 2020 at 3:00 am #358332
Thank you for organizing all the words over the years in the forum, reading over them helps me feel a sense of where I am in life because I had been feeling lost within myself. Chloe’s book about working on training the mind through meditation seems interesting, I have been meditating mornings and nights and it is helpful. I still feel anxious about things and feel lightheaded and have upset stomachs at times, but I find myself being able to read some books when before I was too anxious to focus on reading now I can read some books. I find myself whenever I feel really lost in life and not sure if I’m going in the right direction or even if what I’m going for fits me it’s helpful to post on the forum and also find funny memes on Facebook that make me laugh. The quarantine has given me time to spring clean around the house and I’ve been donating things as well as selling some things, I hope to save some more money for therapist appointments when the quarantine is over and I can meet my gender therapist in person. This forum is helpful for me because sometimes when I’m lost in anxiety and trying to hide my emotions I feel like I’m losing myself and I am grateful to be able to talk about my emotions and put them in words so that I have them before the panic attack comes and things aren’t clear. These days with my LGBTQ friends (one of them is great at working through panic attacks) and they have been helping me work on not fighting the panick attacks but acknowledging them and then taking time to rest. There are times when the panick attacks are more like memories that I thought I had forgotten but really are just repressed come up and I find myself becoming lost in them. I am working on not getting lost in the memories and being able to take the lessons that they teach, I think there’s a lot for me to heal on the inside. I still think that the scars won’t fully heal until I’m financially independent and out of my parents house. These days I feel like I’m going within to work on myself through meditation because I’m still feeling really annoyed and anxious about my body on the outside and that’s what’s causing me distress. I want to work on building myself up within and help myself be more confident in myself because of my parents criticisms I tend to doubt many things about myself. I still feel the need to hide my true self around my parents and the online community helps me work on myself and understand who I am when I feel numb or lost. These days there are some times when I feel lost and wonder about the meaning of life and sometimes I just wish for a day without anxiety but I think that there will always be anxiety and some scars are harder to heal than others. I find that reiki healing helps me with my disordered eating and just listening to my body, it’s still really difficult at times though and sometimes even though I know that Ive ate healthy or had enough exercise I still feel anxious. The main thing I’ve been working on is trying to manage my anxiety and gender dysphoria so that I don’t feel like it’s quicksand pulling me down deeper each day so that I can work on finding ways to save money for therapist appointments. My parents don’t really understand mental health and I don’t think that they really care much to acknowledge it so sometimes I feel alone working on mental health. Most of my anxiety comes from my parents not accepting of me but at times when it is safe I still do what makes me feel better. Another thing for my anxiety is that I feel like I have to learn all the life skills myself because my parents aren’t patient teachers and it just seems overwhelming at times. Thank you so much for your time and hope things are well.June 3, 2020 at 9:17 pm #357574
I have been having muscle aches and pains and sometimes feeling just really tired due to the anxiety so sometimes I will feel shaky and off balance starting to sway a little. I think that my parents do notice the physical symptoms at times especially sometimes when I have a sharp jabbing ache in my hip bone and I call out, but they haven’t really cared much about seeing a medical doctor. I tend to run a lot because it helps with the anxiety and sometimes I think that the stiffness in my hips is the soreness from running. Other times I think that the sharp jabs of pain every now and then in my hips is from my full binder that I use to bind my chest and hips to make them look more masculine because the binder is a bit tight at times. I was feeling really dysphoric yesterday and I used trans tape to bind my chest and also wore a binder over it. The trans tape felt great and it significantly improved my dysphoria that I felt happy for once, but I think that I might have wrapped it on too tight because after a while I could feel it digging into my sides and when I went to remove the trans tape, I had some cuts and my chest was feeling sore. So today, I currently have soreness on my chest and the sides from trans tape that is still healing. I think that I would like to be healthy but my anxiety and gender dysphoria is making it difficult. I wish that my parents would think about checking me in with a doctor but they don’t seem to think that I really need one and they think that it would be too much money.June 1, 2020 at 2:05 am #357350
Thank you so much for being here and listening. I struggle with my self-worth at times because of my parents’ criticisms. I am working on building myself up but since my parents aren’t good teachers, I feel like I have to learn everything by myself which is quite straining at times. I tend to meditate at times and meditation helps but I still need lots of practice before I can maintain the calmness because afterwards I find myself feeling anxious again. Sometimes I feel like I’m drifting away in life and I struggle just to stay alive. I want to live again but I just feel lost and although I know what I want in life, the path just seems complex. I do hope to be around for a good time in life but currently I’m struggling a lot and it seems like it’s getting worse with my mental health. When quarantine is over and school starts (hopefully I’ll have enough mental reserve to be able to take classes because my mental health caused me to withdraw from classes this semester), I’ll likely reconnect with a gender therapist. Sadly I wish I could connect with the gender therapist currently but my parents aren’t really thinking about mental health much. I don’t think that they really understand how much mental health can be a struggle at times. Wishing you well Jan and thanks for your advice. Hoping that I stay strong but it’s still difficult.June 1, 2020 at 1:51 am #357349
I took the Nyquil pills for the sleeping aid because I was feeling depressed and anxious and had been having nightmares. I was feeling quite sad before hand and after taking the Nyquil pills I felt a wave of calmness wash over me like I didn’t really care if I fell asleep and didn’t wake up. I did reach out to some LGBTQ friends who helped me. I still feel anxious in life and sometimes I feel like I’m constantly fighting myself and it’s quite straining and sometimes I just feel like I’m not really here in the world and I find myself questioning my value and whether I’m worth anything in life. My parents have never been emotionally supportive and sometimes they think I’m a disappointment because I struggle with anxiety and gender dysphoria which is sad. I think that I was mostly not caring if I lived or died when I took the sleeping pills. I saw myself through a glass and everything felt surreal like I didn’t exist and was just a walking shell in my life. I reached out to the LGBTQ friends because I cared about them a lot more than myself and they helped me. But I still find myself struggling with my life. Sometimes I wonder what career path to take because I just feel lost in gender dysphoria and anxiety. I feel like I just want to understand the world, be spiritually fulfilled and alive within myself, be out in nature and enjoy the simple things and although I still enjoy exploring science sometimes I wonder if science is just a way I chose to try to understand the world and myself and work on building myself up to transitioning and that almost makes it seem like I never really had anything that fit me I was only going after something that would help me transition because I yearn for that with every ounce of my being that I’m starting to question other things in life.May 27, 2020 at 2:29 am #356961
On Friday May 22nd after taking ten nyquil sleeping pills and debating whether I should reach out to someone because I was struggling so much I just wanted to fade away, I decided to reach out to my college friend and other people online and they helped, here’s what I wrote when I reached out to my college friend:
“I’m sorry for stressing you currently, but I’m just really struggling currently and think it’s too late. It feels like I’m dying. I took some sleeping pills because I was having nightmares and trouble sleeping and I was just drifting in this haze in my mind like I wasn’t real and I saw the world as if I was seeing it for the last time and I felt this surreal numbness like there wasn’t a reason to live anymore and I think that I miscalculated the sleeping pills and took more than I should. I didn’t want to tell you because I was afraid and I felt sorry about burdening you. I’m sorry for not being a perfect person. I want another chance to live again but it just seems hopeless and I find myself fading away.
I feel like an idiot. My body’s shaking and my muscles are going numb, ny eyes hurt and I just feel like there’s so much pain but part of me wants to feel something because I’m tired of feeling numb and it’s hard to type coherently (takes time as I’m shaking) and feeling dizzy
The words blur on the page and I’m struggling with staying conscious. Thr. Keyboard letters are moving.
After I took them I felt this wave of calm wash and some energy over me and I decided to work out a bit (not the best idea though) because I was feeling lightheaded. After a few dumbbell lifts though I started feeling really shaky and quesy so I went to the bathroom and started throwing up. Currently feeling really tired and pale. “
May 22, 2020 at 9:07 pm #356470
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by Janus.
The quarantine has me stuck with my parents who are straining sometimes because they don’t accept my gender identity as a guy and I just felt like there wasn’t any reason to live anymore. I didn’t want to let anyone know because I didn’t want to be weak or burden anyone and while I was fading in and out of consciousness I was warring with myself about whether to talk with anyone, I eventually reached out to my college friend and they helped me along with some other LGBTQ people online and they helped me be more alive again. I currently have stomach cramps and chills, and still feeling dizzy. I had thought that this would be the end and I was prepared to go, taking one last look at the world, but I’m grateful that I had strength to reach out because if I hadn’t I might have fallen asleep and not have woken up. Thank you for listening and Blessings to you!May 20, 2020 at 3:03 am #356096
I agree that my inner critic stems from the criticism of my parents. Since I don’t really have an outlet for my emotions at home I am grateful to have online forums to talk with people who encourages me to keep going in my life. I have some good LGBTQ friends who study nature and health and it’s nice having them around to learn new things. I still need to work on not hiding my emotions so much that I have a panick attack. Sometimes I hold my emotions so much because I don’t want to burden others by talking about them until they bottle up and the wave crashes over me and I’m crying and shaking. This is why I’m learning to work on expressing my emotions a bit and letting them flow. I still have anxiety and feel lightheaded at times and a rumble in my stomach as well as tightness in my chest (which really doesn’t help the dysphoria much) but I feel like I’m healing a little. The anxiety makes it difficult to focus on things but there are some days when I feel more clarity then others and I know that there will still be anxiety but I think that I am working on being able to not let it be so overwhelming. I want to reconnect with my gender therapist and work on transitioning. I know my parents won’t support me in any part of the transitioning process and that I won’t be able to live with them anymore if I transition. I feel a bit anxious about that because there’s still a lot that I am working on learning but I am grateful to have friends who help me when I feel doubtful of the knowledge I have. I think that I listen to both my heart and mind because there are things that feel right in my heart like transitioning even though my mind is still working on building myself up but I feel like I’m finding myself in my heart and it’s this inner knowing that makes me realize that that’s one thing that is right for me. My career path will likely be in health sciences or biochemistry so I’ll be working on studying mental health and be working in a hospital or clinic that may be good. I’ll probably get a house close to nature. I think I know what I want in life, it’s just that the road may be rocky at times and sometimes I question whether I will make it in life. But every time I start worrying about something and feel like ending it, there’s always something that gives me hope again and I think that I can live again. I love reaching out to the people who are struggling with themselves and feel like life is meaningless because I know how it feels so I often help them and in my dark times they help me and I feel appreciative of the people I know in my life currently. The people around me that I have met during the quarantine by branching out online (I’m better at writing then talking in person) are helping me build myself up. I still feel like I’m drifting in life from time to time but I’m grateful to have people who help me steer the boat in the rough waters so I can look at the sun in the horizon and have hope to go towards my goals.May 20, 2020 at 2:40 am #356092
Thank you so much for your advice. I have some rainbow flashcards that I often write quotes on and when I feel anxious I look at the quotes repeating them to myself and imagining the words as light that helps heal my body. I still feel very self-conscious around people but I’m working on facing some of my fears. Some of the fears like fear of the dark are easier to work on while having social anxiety is more difficult. Lately I’ve been listening to positive affirmations music on YouTube and dancing to the music and it’s a lot of fun. I want to take a ballet class in the fall semester when school starts because I think it will be fun. I feel like by connecting more with people and my inner self, I am starting to heal. There will always still be some anxiety, but I find that I am starting to be able to focus on things a bit. There are some days when I feel lost and have trouble believing in myself. That’s why I have been using music to connect with my emotions and release some of the tension because I tend to hide it inside because my parents aren’t really emotionally/mentally supportive so currently I turn on the music and allow the music to help me release the tension in me. I know that I love nature, Buddhist Wicca, want to study reiki healing and astral projection and those are interests that I have held for quite a while. I love analyzing things and writing poetry from the things I analyze and hope that my poetry encourages people to enjoy life. I tend to be my own worst critic but I love helping out others who are struggling. But I have started to work on myself as well because sometimes I drain myself helping others and that’s why I’m working on building myself up. I am grateful to have people like you in life to encourage me. Since I enjoy using science to help me understand my health, I think that I will study different diseases and ways to keep healthy. I might combine reiki healing learning with scientific research on health because healing comes from within in the mind as well as working on the outside as well. There’s just so much out there in the world and I have so many interests that I don’t really know a direct career path for me but as long as I can be creative, work on mental and physical health, have a good healthcare, be in nature (thinking of living in a house close to nature), and helping out the LGBTQ community I’ll be okay. What scares me the most is living an unfulfilled life which is why I want to push myself to enjoy each thing, I push myself too hard sometimes though. Some subjects may be more difficult for me to learn and I will beat myself up for not understanding it so I have to remind myself to keep breathing and take it one step at a time. Wishing you well and thanks for your encouragement.May 17, 2020 at 7:26 pm #355632
My mom never likes to admit that she is wrong and she often blames others for mistakes. My dad doesn’t really acknowledge that there are mental health issues in the world, he thinks that people who struggle with mental health issues just choose to be that way which is sad. But I think that mental health is important and people don’t choose to be sad. If I could feel like I’m alive and not fighting myself, I would. My parents have said that they won’t support me in my transitioning which is sad because I’m going to have to work on building myself up to live on my own when I transition. I recently had an accountant help me with understanding tax forms and they allowed me to use my preferred name, but my parents disapproved of it. Since I still live with them, the letter from the accountant got sent to the house with my preferred name and they yelled at me. They think that my preferred name is just for fun and they don’t really understand how much my birth name gives me dysphoria.May 17, 2020 at 7:19 pm #355630
I enjoy looking at different plants that are edible like dandelions and thistles, I like to brew herbal teas with them. I think that agricultural sciences sounds very interesting because it would be great to collect plant samples and analyze how to use them in medicines. I have made some good friends online with the LGBTQ community and I love writing poetry about nature and spirituality so I have been uplifting the LGBTQ community and they have been uplifting me as well. I still feel a bit lost in myself because I feel like there’s so much to learn and I feel like I’m teaching myself because my parents aren’t really good teachers. My parents don’t really explain things much and sometimes when I ask them to clarify something when I am learning, they laugh at me for not understanding what they think is obvious. Also, it takes me time (two-three times doing the task) before I learn it well and sometimes when I help my dad with fixing the car and forget where a part goes, he yells at me saying that I didn’t learn anything and that I should have learned all of it the first time. I would love to learn about life skills like car repairs and managing finances but my parents aren’t the best teachers. My mom often yells at me when I ask her to explain how to calculate some things, because she thinks that it’s obvious. She often yells at me saying that I don’t know anything about how to budget money and that I don’t learn. It can be difficult to focus when struggling with anxiety and gender dysphoria and it takes time to learn things, but I wish they didn’t yell at me so much and were more open-minded and compassionate. I think that after the quarantine is over, I’m going to reconnect with my gender therapist and work on some emotional turmoil.May 8, 2020 at 9:36 pm #354114
I think that the song that describes how I’m feeling currently is “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls.
The song says “I’ll give up forever to touch you… you’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be… and I don’t want to go home tonight.”
I feel like those lyrics resonates with me because I feel like I am unconsciously giving up my health and giving up living a long life just to ease the gender dysphoria and those moments of working out help me feel like I am doing something to shape my body and I don’t want to be at home where my parents are, I just want the moments to be myself working out.
The lines “When everything’s meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am” are repeated verses in the song. I feel like my relationship with my parents has become more strained and it seems like things are breaking more at times but I just want them to acknowledge who I am.
It gives me a lot of anxiety going out in the world not having my parents support feeling like I am alone learning the things that I need to. And the lines “And I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand” seems to fit because sometimes I just feel like hiding myself because I don’t think that people would like me and I hope that I’m not a burden on them at times.
The lines saying “And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive” seem to resonate with me because sometimes I hide my emotions until I start crying and I feel like I’m watching my lufe through a haze and I work out a lot just to feel the physical pain that makes me feel like I’m alive like I’m in control. And I cry at times because I know there’s a truth under the surface that my parents don’t really acknowledge and that’s why I feel lost at times.
When I’m studying at school I feel better but there’s still some dysphoria. I like to meditate and it helps but it seems like after a while the emotional turmoil sets in again and I feel like I’m missing myself again which is why “And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t wanna miss you tonight” resonates with me since I feel like the anxiety and gender dysphoria has taken over my life and meditation breathes life into me but sooner or later it fades again and I find myself being afraid that I’m missing myself again.May 8, 2020 at 9:08 pm #354108
There was a seagull in the parking lot of restaurant where I help my parents out at this morning and it was eating bread. I waved at it and the seagull started walking a few paces toward me and with its swaying gait it looked like it was dancing and it made me laugh. I have been wondering if it would be better if I chose a career path that allowed me to be more in nature because I love connecting with nature, I always feel like I find myself again after feeling stressed being out in nature and I love feeling the wind blowing through me like it’s blowing away my sorrows. But I have been studying Biochemistry for three years and I just feel lost because I just don’t know if I have a definite career path for me. The anxiety and gender dysphoria makes me feel like I’m constantly trying to let go of myself and not really here at times which makes it hard to focus on things. Lately I’ve been having some panick attacks where I’m just crying and shaking because I just don’t know where I’m going even though I know that I love nature, wicca, and creative sciences but it just seems like other than that I just don’t have anything. And then I find myself lost in my thoughts of anxiety being afraid of myself and to escape those thoughts I start to work out a lot until I start to see shadows in my vision (I like to work out in the dark because it makes me feel less self-conscious) and sometimes the shadows seem like dark entities that will pull me under and I will pass away so I work out more until the shadows fade and I feel lightheaded and there are times when I pass out. After I wake, I look around the room and it seems like I see lights flickering in my vision and I tend to think that I am going into the light dissolving. And I find myself looking at memories of myself flash through my mind like a life review and I find myself feeling like it would just be better to just let go and just fade away.