Hello Tony,

it is funny how much influence a little chat across the ether can have!  “Meeting” up with you has reminded me of my life long before meeting my estranged husband, when I used to meet nice people and my life flowed.  I have felt very isolated for a long time but I am now beginning to visualise that there are lovely people out there who would be glad of my friendship and glad to do business with me.

Thank you for your suggestions.  I have watched some YouTube videos of Eckhart Tolle and find him very interesting, but haven’t read the book yet.  I will get it and let you know if it liberates me too – hopefully!  Actually, my little cat has kind of forced me to adopt his ideals because although she is only young she has a serious illness, so I have to make sure I spend every day consciously enjoying her presence and trying to bring her joy.

I’m afraid it didn’t work out for me to ever have children, sadly.  I wasn’t able to find a secure relationship in time and could never imagine getting pregnant from just any man as I wanted children born of love.  My estranged husband could have given me children but decided not to once we were married.  I should have left him many times over but I had financial burdens and it took time until I was able to resolve all of these.

I like it that you want to think my parents are just a bit reserved but well-meaning.  I wish it was just that but the reality of it is that I grew up in a severely dysfunctional household.  I do have sympathy and understanding for my parents’ experiences and how this has influenced them, but I don’t think it can be used as an excuse for cruelty and neglect.  However, I myself have been excusing them so far and this has led to being dysfunctional in relationships because I consequently couldn’t differentiate between the good but imperfect and the genuinely bad, who nevertheless can also sometimes do good deeds.

I have just been trying to deepen my understanding of this with Anita’s help so I can take the right action in my life.  The lists she suggested I write have certainly hit home.  I always felt sorry for my (now estranged) husband due to the difficulties he encountered and thus excused his behaviour, but when I see those lists then there is honestly no excuse.

Anyway, the main thing is that a little flower of hope is beginning to unfurl within me again.

Juanita