Hello Anita,

I haven’t been able to respond in depth in the last days because I have been nursing a sick kitty and it became a bit critical, but hopefully all okay now.  But I have nevertheless been thinking everything over that we have been communicating about and re-reading my summary.

First of all I would like to just say how grateful I am to you for the time you have taken for me and the efforts you have made.  It has really made a BIG difference in a very short time.  I am amazed at how much better I feel.  As you say, increased mental and emotional clarity is wonderful!

I have bookmarked the Tiny Buddha pages about Mindfulness and will start to learn about it, so thank you for that suggestion.  There is so much out there, it really helps to know what will be most effective for me right now.

I would like you to know that I have really benefitted enormously from learning about “good if not perfect” vs “bad with some good deeds”.  It used to feel like I wasn’t able to give myself permission to set consequent boundaries with the latter category of persons but I can now feel the truth of it and I believe I will be able to put this into practise.  No doubt I shall be given the opportunity!

I have also found the various descriptions you have given me very helpful, in particular those which help me to visualise and feel the inner state of my subconscious much more clearly as it was programmed in childhood, like the little fawn.  I also read a description you wrote for another person about the consequences for a child of lack of empathy from a parent.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, but so liberating!  It says everything about my childhood in a nutshell.

I found your blunt response regarding my husband’s behaviour a bit of a surprise.  Not because I disagree, but because people are not usually that direct.  In fact many people here were confusing me by trying to convince me to rethink things because he’s improved his behaviour in the last 6 months.  But I find it really fantastic that you are so clear and just draw that line.  It feels right; my body knows it.  Whenever I asked myself about him I could always feel that my body was saying “never again!”  But as I believe you understand very well, that fog makes it so hard to figure out even just where is up and where is down.

I would have filed for divorce last year immediately but there are various complications which would affect my legal rights to stay in the country where I am living now, also as long as I do not have my own income I can only be health insured over my husband.   I started to deal with all those issues last year but then the fog and depression gradually turned me into a zombie.  Since communicating with you I’ve now started to take concrete steps towards independence again.

Writing those lists about my husband’s behaviour was horrible to go through, but later, whilst mulling things over, I came to realise that I scarcely need fear my future (which I did because of being alone), because it will never be as difficult as the continuous distress and fight for survival which my husband brought upon me.  So that has also helped me to feel a lot calmer.

My husband has at least been paying my rent and food for a few months now as I have no income.  We have no finances to sort out, neither of us have any savings.  I have some debts.  I hope to find some employment possibilities online (e.g. translating as I am a translator) but until recently I was very insecure about contacting possible employers.  I am not insecure about doing the work, I do very good work, but there was a feeling within me of having lost my confidence overall and I would like to share with you what happened to cause this, Anita.

Despite my childhood experiences I always felt quite self-confident (at least when it was about business!)  This changed several years ago after I had a very soul-destroying experience.  A young child confided in me about being sexually abused, and although I did ALL the right things and fought like an enraged lioness, I was not able to protect that child in the end i.e. prevent contact with the abuser.  The family also closed ranks, files and reports disappeared, my house was searched, etc.  I didn’t find out until some years later that some kind of abuse organisation was operating in that area and they had infiltrated the police, social services, etc.

I had never before felt that I had so utterly failed in life.  I usually visualised what I wanted to achieve and fulfilled those plans without difficulty, even if faced with tough challenges.  But there was just nothing I could do to change that child’s world.  I was confronted with total impotence and I began to feel very bad about myself.  Somehow that became like a dark place within me which just continued to grow.

I hope you might have some insights for me Anita because I need to find my fighting spirit and self-confidence again in order to rescue myself now.

I have been reading a book on CBT for anxiety, and although it has helped me to realise that I’m not such an anxious person as some unfortunate people, I did benefit from learning to rationally question the nature of my thoughts.  So I do realise my head is full of unrealistically negative assessments of myself.  I haven’t found a way to change that yet though and I am hoping you have some ideas.

Juanita