Dear Holly:

You read reasonable to me. I have a possible explanation to why he is having such trouble with saying that he loved you and with feeling that he is not in love with you. It is only a possibility that may be useful to consider:

“His parents are definitely not verbally affectionate. They are very much like him- funny, sarcastic, easy-going, make jokes when uncomfortable.. never really seem to feel deep feelings… They always both seem upbeat, joking around, light hearted”- that’s how his parents were when he was a young child, but that’s not how he was as a young child: children are affectionate, verbally (when able to talk) and otherwise. Children feel deeply. Children express their feelings honestly, spontaneously, with no hesitation, no discomfort.. until they are made uncomfortable.

Imagine him as a young child reaching out to his parents with his arms open, running toward them, and as he reaches his father, or his mother, they turn away from him, making a light hearted joke. And there he is, his arms still open, rejected. He is not entertained by his mother’s joke, and his heart is not light; it is heavy. He is hurt deeply, and he is scared/ anxious: no one to hug him. After all, he needs a hug, not a joke.

Fast forward, here he is scared/ anxious before he eases into the conversation with you: “he hides a lot of his emotions.. very uncomfortable, avoiding eye contact, staying quiet and only talking when I am asking him something, making jokes, fidgety.. but after a while he slowly eases into the conversation”.

It may be that he is as afraid of telling you that he loves you, that he is in love with you, denying these two things for no other reason but his fear that if he figuratively runs toward you with open arms,  you will turn away from him, leaving him deeply hurt, like he was before.

anita

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