Dear Anita,

thank you for your wonderful support.  I teared up when reading your explanation of empathy.  It really speaks to me because I am a gardener and I could so feel that metaphor!  But due to a shortage of time today I will only focus upon one aspect of your last comments and catch up with the rest hopefully this evening.

At present I am feeling very acute stress because of my little cat.  She is a rescue kitty and has immune system illnesses (like AIDS), so although I know this is not my fault, now she had surgery (castration) and the incision is proving very difficult to heal, and she has awful itching and scratches until her fur comes off, and I am having difficulty staying calm and not feel guilty.  Guilt seems to play a bit role.

I think because of your support and my growing awareness, I have now been able to realise that I am feeling very similar to the situation with the child.  I am observing myself, seeing how I feel nervous and can’t eat, worrying about what to do and feeling that impotence again.  I see now that it is as if I cannot allow myself any failings whatsoever, yet although I am doing my best, it is a big internal struggle to keep calm.

I have now made some new plans of action, sought other solutions, etc. and I’m trying to allow myself that “this is good enough”.  I can see that my little cat is feeling a better since I changed the medicine and we have a good rapport now where she allows me to give her the meds without any fuss.  I am telling myself that we will build upon this and it will get better.  I will also take her to a better vet.

But behind all this I can feel how I want to cry so much, as if I would be so terribly to blame if I am not able to make her perfectly healthy and perfectly happy.  Is this also from my childhood do you think?

Juanita