Hi Anita thanks again for taking the time to reply. I fully hear what you’re saying. I AM indeed trying to make sense of a lot of different signals that can all be interpreted in multiple ways. My motivation? I know how incredible hidden domestic abuse can be, and how easy it is to shift the focus away from obvious red flags by putting all the responsibility with the abused. (The ‘infamous’ if she doesn’t like it she can just leave; and if she doesn’t leave she probably likes it) This is a very dangerous mindset and the cause for many women (and men) to not be heard or helped when they’re in danger. I also notice that you’re first reflex is like this. It must be her, else she would have left long time ago. I also know that people who tend to gravitate towards abusive relationships once, are likely to repeat. But even then, the general first reaction seems to be: she would have left if she didn’t like what’s going on, or she might actually enjoy it.

As for your thoughts: I did not spend a lot of time talking with this woman over the years. We once we more connected, over ten years ago, through mutual friends when we lived in the same country. From then on we’ve been friends in the sense we would give each other little updates about what’s going on in life.

Knowing if someone is honest or dishonest, a victim or an abuser, manipulative or mentally incompetent, is incredibly difficult to tell. I am interested in what others think given what I have seen so far. Maybe someone recognises some behaviours and could shed some insight.  My motivation? She’s a friend, and I know the horrors she’s been through in a previous, very physically abuse relationship. It would be very sad if she’s in one again. If you think that someone who is being abused will tell the first person they see ‘oh hello, I am being abused, could you help me?’ then you’re probably wrong. A lot of people who have a history of abuse are sometimes not aware of them being abused, because it feels so familiar to them.

Thanks for seeing me as someone intelligent and rational, I would like to return the compliment as I think you are also very rational, intelligent and eloquent But like I said: I don’t have LOTS of contact with her. It’s mostly through text every now and then and the occasional phone call. Haven’t seen her IRL face to face in years, let alone together with her partner and possibly observe their dynamic or body language..

I am and have been in intimate relationships, and I am far from clueless what happens inside them 🙂 In fact I have a very healthy interest in interpersonal contact, human behaviour, relationship dynamics, why our relationships are the way they are etc. I think our relationships, the people we attract and the people who are attracted to us, teach us a lot about ourselves.

As I wrote to Jan in my reply to him, yes I know her character and her background. Me, my girlfriend and my friends were all there when the person in question had to leave the country to escape from her abuser and start all over. When she eventually found someone new we were all happy for her, looked like her traumatic abusive relationship was a mishap and she now found someone nice and stable. Expecting her to get married and have some kids at some point.

But as time goes by, we are wondering if history isn’t repeating. You might say why don’t you just ask her if she’s in another bad relationship again? Well as you may know, that’s the problem. If it were that simple nobody would ever be in a bad place ever right?

I understand the temptation to start analysing me, and question why I am so invested in all this and if I even know anything about relationships in the first place. But that’s not what I’m asking. We don’t need to contra or meta analyse why the question is asked in the first place. That feels like you want to jump on a psychologists chair and start debating what all this is saying about me. I just like to double check with others how this looks like to them from the outside. I think you made it clear where you stand. I assume you’re in camp “if she wants to leave she would just go”? Is that correct?

I don’t think it’s that strange to second guess possible red flags happening to someone with a certain background and history? If that’s a friend?