Hi anita,

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching and forgiving these past months. It’s helped me to put a lot of this experience to rest.

As for being infatuated, maybe not with him, but definitely still infatuated with my fantasy idea of him. I also know that in the times since when I have seen him, sometimes in the company of another woman, I feel really really ill, like I’m going to pass out ill. It’s a really strong reaction but I’ve built him up in my mind as this huge threat so my body reacts accordingly.

However, I’m one of these highly sensitive types and in the past I’ve had to spend a long hard time getting over things. This could be learned behaviour (my dad does the same thing, about people who wronged him in the past) or something about my brain chemistry. I can see everything clearly, logically in my brain but that hurt pride is a deep wound. I don’t tend to make myself vulnerable with people very much so it felt like a very big deal.

I think one of the hang-ups has to do with this idea of sex. I’d consider myself a very sensual person (tmi? lol) and definitely interested, but with the right fore-play etc. It was very hurtful to hear that I wasn’t enough in this capacity (as a lover) because I was A., a virgin and B., not ready to enter that part of a relationship yet (I was getting used to the idea that someone wanted to date me). So anyway, while I know why my reaction was to pull away from wanting to have sex with him this criticism still hurts and makes me concerned that I won’t find someone who will be patient and loving. I mean, there must be someone else, but with all the quarantining business it feels like I will never get back out there!

I think that he probably felt slighted by that. I do know from someone else who had slept with him that he is, in fact, not “great” in bed. So, I was right there, hah!