Dear miyoid:

In the summer of 2019, months before the first appearance of the virus that now holds the world hostage, you shared the following about your childhood and your relationships with your parents:

“I’ve had a childhood where I simply didn’t receive any love from my dad and mom’s love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears.. I’ve experienced being emotionally and physically abandoned by both of my parents several times. I was left to live with one parent and then left with another when they’ve got divorced… I always felt that something was missing. Sometimes with anxiety attacks, sometimes not so severe”.

About relationships with men, you shared: “I pick whomever that I can get affection from. I crave the affection, not the person… my anxiety appears when I don’t get that affection. I always worry about losing that affection I guess, or that person.. Between the relationships, there was always suffering, mental breakdowns. I simply didn’t want to continue my life in those moments.. the only moments I felt joy, peace, and happiness were the moments that I was with them”.

Yesterday, you shared that even though “one thing has changed” since last year, that thing being that you have a boyfriend and you are living with him, you are hopeless “depressed more than ever”. You shared again that you indeed “had a depressed childhood.. rarely happy.. get sad about stuff, thinking that when those stuff changed I will get better… when I finally get the love I need, I’ll get better”. But your two long term relationships, total 3 years “were totally illusions.. these two men.. kind of used me”. And regarding your current boyfriend, you wrote: “we are both depressed now and I prevented him from a suicide attempt the other day”. “I want to make him happy but I can’t even make myself happy in the first place”.

You shared yesterday and last year that you don’t have access to professional mental health help. Last year you wrote: “I haven’t got a clue about what I want in life and in a person/ relationship and that is exhausting because of my fears about the future”.

I feel confident that I can point you to one issue that needs to be resolved, and that is you not feeling angry. Anger is a healthy emotion in nature: an animal perceives something wrong has happened (one’s territory invaded, one’s position in the herd threatened, one’s life is threatened) and feels angry. The purpose of the anger is to motivate the animal to act in a powerful way so to correct the situation, to make it right.

Let’s look at your anger situation, June 2019: “Firstly I feel that I have already forgiven my parents about this issue. I have never felt any resentment toward them. I can understand where these behaviours are coming from.. I  know their intentions.” July 2020: “I don’t feel hatred to anybody.. no anger towards parents as well. I know the reasons behind these mistakes”-

– you forgave your parents too soon, before being aware that you were ever angry at them.

The advantage of you not feeling any anger toward your parents is that feeling angry is uncomfortable, and it makes you feel like you are a good daughter perhaps, for forgiving your parents. The disadvantage is that not feeling any anger towards them keeps you stuck in anxiety and depression. Healing from your childhood is not possible unless you feel anger toward them, but you will need professional help to manage and understand your anger and other emotions, so to heal.

You wrote regarding your parents, June last year: “I can’t be open with them about his. I have never shown them the hurt version of me, they think that I’m a healthy, strong person. And I have no intention of doing that either, I don’t want to give them another subject to be sorry about, I want to solve my problem on my own or with other people.. with a partner”-

– you are making your parents’ lives more comfortable, but you are paying the price for it, because the mask you put on for them, the healthy, strong person mask, it keeps you stuck behind that mask.

“I want to solve my problem on my own or with other people.. with a partner”- to solve your problem/ to heal, you have to be true to yourself, to not wear a mask (other than to protect yourself from the virus), not when you are with your parents, not when you are with your boyfriend, not here and not there.. not anywhere.

Bring back to your awareness your anger, you need that anger so to get unstuck.

I don’t think that opening up to your parents will help you, and therefore I don’t think it’s a good idea. On the other hand, I think that you need to take your mask off when in their presence.. and outside their presence.

I wish you had access to quality professional help. In the context of this thread, if you want to continue the communication with me, you can post anytime, looking into what I suggested here.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by .