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My boyfriend is suicidal again because of me and I don’t know what to do

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  • #362224
    miyoid
    Participant

    Hey everyone,

    I want to share my situation here because I have to wait till I get a job to see a professional. I have started to think that my depression is chronic and maybe genetic. Almost a year ago, I have also shared stuff here. I was depressed more than ever, I was alone and hopeless. Now, one thing have changed. I (22) have a boyfriend (22) , but then again, I’m depressed more than ever and I’m hopeless. To sum it up even more, I’ve had a depressed childhood as well. I was rarely happy and I didn’t know why. I used to get sad about stuff, thinking that when those stuff changed I will get better. I thought I was never ‘loved’ and when I finally get the love I need, I’ll get better. Because of this mindset, my first two long-term (1,5 years each) relationships were totally illusions. They both kind-of used me and I thought that I was ‘loved’ in some sense. Now when I think about it, I get very upset because of the fact that I was that vulnerable. I don’t feel hatred to anybody, I just have some kind of anger towards life that if my parents behaved differently, if the world behaved differently, then I wouldn’t be so vulnerable to be played with. But then again, no anger towards parents as well. I know the reasons behind these mistakes, their negligence and the traces they left unintentionally.

    Moving on, after these two men that kind-of used me, I have also experienced 3 other undefined relationships which lasted for 1-2 days and also made me lose hope for the ‘love’ I was looking for. Right when I was at the lowest I have ever been, I have started to talk with somebody. This person was also experienced in terms of depression and he understood me so well and wanted to help me. With the intention of help, he started to like me as well and after 2-3 days of talking non-stop, he told me that. I’ve never thought about him that way but he was able to impress me after that. Then we started an undefined relationship as well, he went to study abroad for 6 months but we’ve never lost our connection. We talked every single day. After he turned back, he started to live with me and we stayed together during this pandemic and we still are.

    The thing is, he has a depression as well. He says that I’m the only reason he’s alive. He has a suicidal background and he started to get worse these days. Since I’m distracted and depressed, I don’t feel sexual. Also because we’re 7/24 together, I am not sexual as I was in the past. And the fact that I’m not as much as sexually attracted to him, makes him think that I’m just used to him and I don’t really love him. Also he started to look into my stuff sometimes and he accidentally saw on my period track app that I had unprotected sex everyday for 7 days. This was 2 years ago and I was in a manipulative relationship which I was cheated on several times. He knows that but he also thinks that my former partners are better than him. That’s why I had that 7 days streak. I cannot persuade him that this ‘depressed and cannot concentrate state’ of mine is not about him. Also I do have desire towards him, it’s just not always there when we’re always together and I have a depressed mind.

    He says that all he wants to be accepted, but I know that I can’t force myself into anything. I do think I love him, I have never saw this kind of empathy, transparency in a relationship before. But he is a fast thinker and these thought loops started to upset us substantially. We’re both depressed now and I prevented him from a suicide attempt the other day.

    The situation got worse when he secretly got into my hard disk and found out about the old photos I have. I had hidden some normal, some kind of NSFW photos when my two relationships ended. I didn’t want to delete them altogether because I think I will be safe having those, in case of anything happens or those men tries to harm me in any way. My boyfriend found those folders and looked at every photo while I was asleep. After that, it got really suffocating because I want to make him happy but I can’t even make myself happy in the first place. He cannot get over them, and he also reminds me of these horrible experiences as well. I also don’t think that I have anybody else this important in my life, so I don’t want to end this in any way. Ending this relationship will harm both of us and I can’t trust him in terms of suicidal thoughts. I’m also considering antidepressants and therapy as well but I cannot afford it for now. I don’t know what to do.

    Sorry for this long explanation but I wanted to clearly express myself.

    Thank you so much for your time.

    #362228
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Miyoid:

    “he started to look into my stuff sometimes… he secretly got into my hard disk”- he shouldn’t invade your privacy, it’s wrong for him to do that to you.

    “he started to live with me and we stayed together during this pandemic and we still are… I don’t want to end this in any way. Ending this relationship will harm both of us.. I don’t know what to do”-

    – he has to promise you to never again invade your privacy. He has to promise you to never put you in the position again where he considers suicide while living with you. These two things are wrong for him to do, It’s not fair to you.

    Because you intend to continue living with him- talk to him, tell him that the two of you should be a team, working together for the benefit of  both of you- make it a win-win relationship, not a lose- lose. The two of you suffer from depression, both needing help, so help each other.

    One more thing: he shouldn’t apply any sexual pressure on you. If you don’t feel like it, he should respect that. The two of you can cuddle, or hug or just sit together holding hands, that’s good enough.

    Please let me know if this is helpful. I will be back to the computer in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

     

    #362229
    miyoid
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, I will try to do the stuff you told. He knows invading my privacy is the wrong thing, he did it because of a crisis. I know that’s not an excuse, he just couldn’t help himself. He says that the stuff he saw was traumatizing and he remembers from time to time. I hope we can pass this, I know we can help each other. I hope we will.

    #362231
    Tara
    Participant

    Hey Miyoid!

    Not posting here to give advice but just to help you feel a little less alone as I feel our situations are very similar in a way. If you read my most recent posts you can see this! I too have felt that all my life I was generally unhappy since childhood. ” I was rarely happy and I didn’t know why.”

    For me also this was for no reason specifically specified, but with a lot of research, this forum, and a couple therapy sessions I have come to an understanding about where my mental illness has originated from, past relationships, and or your childhood. This relates to your story because these feelings have recently been exasperated by the relationship I am currently in, despite my love and admiration for my partner. Just like you said, it is not his fault in any way shape or form, but my despite my attempts to make him see this, he seems to tend to blame all of my own mental health issues on himself, which exasperates his own depression! I am not diagnosing anyone, as I am not a doctor in any way shape or form (just a 20 year old college student) but you should put some research into codependency, on his part and yours. Many symptoms of this include always feeling guilty for our own emotions, blaming ourselves for the way others feel, and often latching onto others to determine your own inner feelings, which seems to be the trend in your romantic relationships based on the info you provided me. This is often a learned behavior from our childhood or could possibly be from the abuse you suffered in your past relationships, and is often the brains way of coping with negative experiences! It doesn’t necessarily have to relate to relationships, although it does often create patterns in our romantic endeavors later in life! If you research the symptoms of this behavior, and feel that it fits you and/or your SO, I have some great reads and workbooks to recommend for you as you wait for your financial situation to improve to afford therapy/psychiatric help. If I am wrong and you don’t relate to these symptoms, feel free to disregard this information!

    You are not alone, and I admire your honesty in posting about your situation and your ability to reflect on your problems! You sound like a very strong person and a beautiful soul!

    #362237
    miyoid
    Participant

    Hey Tara!

    Thank you so much for your kind reply. It feels good to read your words and those sound like me as well. I would like to read them if you think those work on you. Thanks so much for the kind words!

    #362251
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    In the summer of 2019, months before the first appearance of the virus that now holds the world hostage, you shared the following about your childhood and your relationships with your parents:

    “I’ve had a childhood where I simply didn’t receive any love from my dad and mom’s love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears.. I’ve experienced being emotionally and physically abandoned by both of my parents several times. I was left to live with one parent and then left with another when they’ve got divorced… I always felt that something was missing. Sometimes with anxiety attacks, sometimes not so severe”.

    About relationships with men, you shared: “I pick whomever that I can get affection from. I crave the affection, not the person… my anxiety appears when I don’t get that affection. I always worry about losing that affection I guess, or that person.. Between the relationships, there was always suffering, mental breakdowns. I simply didn’t want to continue my life in those moments.. the only moments I felt joy, peace, and happiness were the moments that I was with them”.

    Yesterday, you shared that even though “one thing has changed” since last year, that thing being that you have a boyfriend and you are living with him, you are hopeless “depressed more than ever”. You shared again that you indeed “had a depressed childhood.. rarely happy.. get sad about stuff, thinking that when those stuff changed I will get better… when I finally get the love I need, I’ll get better”. But your two long term relationships, total 3 years “were totally illusions.. these two men.. kind of used me”. And regarding your current boyfriend, you wrote: “we are both depressed now and I prevented him from a suicide attempt the other day”. “I want to make him happy but I can’t even make myself happy in the first place”.

    You shared yesterday and last year that you don’t have access to professional mental health help. Last year you wrote: “I haven’t got a clue about what I want in life and in a person/ relationship and that is exhausting because of my fears about the future”.

    I feel confident that I can point you to one issue that needs to be resolved, and that is you not feeling angry. Anger is a healthy emotion in nature: an animal perceives something wrong has happened (one’s territory invaded, one’s position in the herd threatened, one’s life is threatened) and feels angry. The purpose of the anger is to motivate the animal to act in a powerful way so to correct the situation, to make it right.

    Let’s look at your anger situation, June 2019: “Firstly I feel that I have already forgiven my parents about this issue. I have never felt any resentment toward them. I can understand where these behaviours are coming from.. I  know their intentions.” July 2020: “I don’t feel hatred to anybody.. no anger towards parents as well. I know the reasons behind these mistakes”-

    – you forgave your parents too soon, before being aware that you were ever angry at them.

    The advantage of you not feeling any anger toward your parents is that feeling angry is uncomfortable, and it makes you feel like you are a good daughter perhaps, for forgiving your parents. The disadvantage is that not feeling any anger towards them keeps you stuck in anxiety and depression. Healing from your childhood is not possible unless you feel anger toward them, but you will need professional help to manage and understand your anger and other emotions, so to heal.

    You wrote regarding your parents, June last year: “I can’t be open with them about his. I have never shown them the hurt version of me, they think that I’m a healthy, strong person. And I have no intention of doing that either, I don’t want to give them another subject to be sorry about, I want to solve my problem on my own or with other people.. with a partner”-

    – you are making your parents’ lives more comfortable, but you are paying the price for it, because the mask you put on for them, the healthy, strong person mask, it keeps you stuck behind that mask.

    “I want to solve my problem on my own or with other people.. with a partner”- to solve your problem/ to heal, you have to be true to yourself, to not wear a mask (other than to protect yourself from the virus), not when you are with your parents, not when you are with your boyfriend, not here and not there.. not anywhere.

    Bring back to your awareness your anger, you need that anger so to get unstuck.

    I don’t think that opening up to your parents will help you, and therefore I don’t think it’s a good idea. On the other hand, I think that you need to take your mask off when in their presence.. and outside their presence.

    I wish you had access to quality professional help. In the context of this thread, if you want to continue the communication with me, you can post anytime, looking into what I suggested here.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by anita.
    #362280
    miyoid
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    I’m mesmerized by your reply, the conclusion you have arrived from the posts I have shared, I cannot believe how accurate it sounds. But I want to add something as well. I tend to think that the anger occurs when something is cannot be understood. It’s like I can have anger towards my parents and I can express it, but I won’t be understanding their conditions if I were to do that. I know that they have much more traumatizing lives and the traumas I’ve got are just the outcome of theirs. They have tried so much to do the right thing but this was the best they could. Therefore, I cannot rationalize having anger towards them and I don’t feel any. Actually I feel sorry for them, I feel compassion and mercy. I wish I could’ve make their lives better, that’s the feeling I have. I know from myself that it’s hard to love somebody if you’re not loved in the first place. At least I wasn’t hated in my childhood, I was just neglected a lot. I know that my dad was beaten to within an inch of life most of the time and kept in the basement for days. As I said, I don’t know if I can ever feel anger. I can only feel resentment towards the life itself, but I’m not that spiritual and that doesn’t work for me as well. I try to get better in terms of spirituality since I wasn’t raised with a religion of any kind, but I also need a clarity to do that and I couldn’t figure out how to achieve that yet.
    Also, the fact that you don’t think opening up to my parents is not a good idea kind of relieved me, it would be impossible for me. I have started to give clues about how I feel to my mother the past year, after those old posts I have shared. This made me realize my mother’s tendency to neglect others’ misery even more. I have always blamed my father’s behaviors thinking about my depression, but seeing that made me realize how my mother have affected me as well. I see my father as a violent, narcissist, despot but a loving dad. He does have the ability to love, however, he doesn’t have a clue about how to show it and when he tries, he messes things up. So, yes my father affected me significantly in terms of my relationship with men. But when I talk with my mom, I see that because of all the drama and trauma she was born into, she looks down on and doesn’t respect to others’ misery all the time. I have told this to her several times after I realized this, and she either doesn’t really understand or she doesn’t want to understand. So I guess I have to accept her for who she really is.

    Thank you a lot for your in depth reply, really. I have to solve those problems you’ve mentioned, I just have to find out how. Also, I have to both get better and make him feel better because I don’t think this is going anywhere healthy.. Thank you so much for your time and kindness.

    #362283
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Miyoid:

    You are welcome.

    “I can have anger towards my parents.. but I won’t be understanding of their conditions.. they have much more traumatizing lives and traumas.. They have tried so much to do the right thing.. Therefore, I cannot rationalize having anger towards them and I don’t feel any. Actually I feel sorry for them, I feel compassion and mercy. I wish I could’ve make their lives better”-

    – it is very, very common for a child who was neglected (“I was just neglected a lot”) to focus on the parent or parents, to feel great empathy for them. It is a shift of roles: the parents are supposed to feel empathy for the child and to focus on the well being of the child, but when that doesn’t happen, the child makes up for the lack of empathy and attention by feeling a whole lot of empathy for the parents and focusing on the well-being of the parents.( This is what I experienced in my own life).

    You wrote: “I cannot rationalize having anger towards them”- anger happens by itself, it is instinctive. We don’t rationalize having anger. What we rationalize is hiding the anger, pushing it outside of our awareness, so that we “don’t feel any”.

    “I won’t be understanding their conditions. They have much more traumatizing lives..”- healing is about you understanding your conditions, and your traumatized life. Healing is when your life becomes about you, and no longer about them.

    “the fact that you don’t think opening up to my parents is a good idea kind of relieved me”- I thought it would. I don’t think it would be a good idea because as a child, you were very open to them, as all children are. And what happened as a result is that they hurt you badly. So, of course, it doesn’t make sense to be open to them again.. and get hurt even more.

    You wrote about your mother: “she looks down on and doesn’t respect others’ misery”- so you wear the healthy-strong-person mask, not wanting to be looked down at and disrespected by her?

    “So I guess I have to accept her for who she really is”- I wonder what you mean by this sentence.

    anita

    #362302
    miyoid
    Participant

    You wrote about your mother: “she looks down on and doesn’t respect others’ misery”- so you wear the healthy-strong-person mask, not wanting to be looked down at and disrespected by her?

    “So I guess I have to accept her for who she really is”- I wonder what you mean by this sentence.

    As for the first sentence, I don’t care if I’m disrespected or looked down. I just know that isn’t the case. I have explained her the past year several times that it’s not the right thing to compare one’s misery to an other’s. This is just like a coping mechanism, she must’ve learned it in the past and she keeps doing it. She is now obsessed with animals and loves everyone of them unconditionally, purely like he never did with her children. She thinks they are miserable the most, the news the animals that were raped, tortured and left alone to death, etc. I also remember her talking about the miserable lives she hear about, like a children she came across with on the street or things like that. She has an extreme empathy towards animals and innocent people. But then again, when I try to talk about a huge problem in my little world, it’s not relatable for her. That was always the case. I’ll probably try to be understood by her again and again but I don’t know what would happen.

    About accepting her for who she really is, I simply meant that maybe I have to accept that she’ll always be like that. She won’t care that much, she would not understand. The fracture about this subject is about my expectations about her and they might not be met, I have to accept that. Thanks again Anita, you’re wonderful.

    #362303
    miyoid
    Participant

    I want to mention that I’m really sensitive as well when it comes to animals and people that I know who’s innocent. I get emotional so fast when I’m faced with a story, a visual or an idea. I can understand this sensitivity, I just find it somehow contradictory. She can relate to an animal who’s left behind but she can’t relate to me? Sounds like an escape to me.

    #362308
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Miyoid:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words.

    “She has an extreme empathy towards animals and innocent people”- but you too were an innocent person, as young as you were when she neglected you and fought with your father.. you too were innocent, a wide eyed little girl in the corner, scared, having nothing but love for your mother.. that’s as innocent as can be. But she didn’t have empathy for you, not extreme empathy, not a little empathy.

    “when I try to talk about a huge problem in my little world, it’s not relatable for her. That was always the case”- your little world- it’s not a smaller world than any other person’s world, it’s not smaller than the worlds of the animals she loves, nor is it a smaller world than the richest person’s world or the most politically powerful, or the most famous. Your world is not smaller than anyone’s, no less important than anyone’s.

    “I’ll probably try to be understood by her again and again but I don’t know what would happen”- better you don’t try to be understood by her. When you were young and simple to understand, she didn’t care to understand you. She is very unlikely to care to understand you now. Your hope to be understood and loved.. is not with her.

    “maybe I have to accept that she’ll always be like that. She won’t care that much, she would not understand.. I have to accept that”- I agree, but you don’t have to accept that you are not worthy of being understood and loved.

    My mother too didn’t understand me, she too had empathy for animals, but not for me. It was very, very difficult for me to understand that this will not change, that she didn’t have a heart for me.

    Do accept that she is the way she is, but don’t accept that you are the way she perceives you to be. Your little world is not little: you feel as intensely as anyone, your desires are as strong as anyone’s. You are not limited to the way your mother perceives you.

    anita

    #363749
    miyoid
    Participant

    Thank you for your understanding, though. It feels better in terms of this subject. Constantly looking for answers or the thought that maybe someday my grief about this subject will be over after a period of pain is the wrong thing to do. I like to read about psychology and comprehend why I am like this even better but this can seem a bit dramatizing and exaggerating. At the end of this stuff, I always end up feeling sorry for myself and this doesn’t get me anywhere forward. I feel like I have to solve this ‘feeling sorry for oneself’ problem first. I also think that I got this tendency from my father since he had always found a way to see himself as the victim. It’s mesmerizing how he does it actually, he still does it with me, with the world, with my stepmother who has been like an angel to him and everyone else. It’s like a toxic superpower. I have to get better in terms of this tendency and find a way to make my boyfriend feel a bit better again.

    He relapsed today and I stopped him from taking 6-7 sleeping pills. I doubt if 6-7 pills would harm him seriously but he is sleeping since I couldn’t prevent him from taking the first pill. But this started to make me feel so exhausted as well. He is afraid to harm me, upset me but he knows that he does and he feels even worse because of it. This never-ending cycle has started to suffocate both of us. I’m even thinking about talking to him about starting to use SSRI drugs again with a doctor of course. He has used lots of drugs in his childhood and teen years. It’s like he cannot stop thinking and he has such a rapid mind that I cannot even compete. I try to understand but I guess he thinks that I cannot understand him sometimes. I am a depressive person as well but he says that he cannot control himself. I’m afraid of what he is capable of.

    #363756
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    You are welcome. I understand you not wanting to be like your father, feeling sorry for himself, seeing himself as the victim when he is not, “dramatizing and exaggerating” his alleged misfortunes. It is a good thing that you don’t want to be like him. But don’t try to go too far and be the opposite of him, which would be denying your own misfortunes, ignoring and minimizing your own feelings.

    The Middle Way would be best: honest, deserving empathy for yourself (no drama, no exaggerations).

    Regarding your live in boyfriend situation- reads to me that it is a bad situation for the two of you. You are depressed and hopeless more than ever (your original  post), and he is clearly very unhappy, so what is the point of this live-in situation if the two of you are miserable in it.

    You wrote in your recent post: “he is afraid to harm me, upset me.. he feels even worse because of it”- if he does not live with you anymore, he will no  longer be afraid to harm and upset you, and he will feel better.

    This live-in situation is not helping him or you. You are afraid that he will get worse (“I’m afraid of what he is capable of”)- but what if living with you is making him worse?

    I imagine that sometimes two depressed individuals come together and make each other feel better, but this doesn’t seem to be the case: here two depressed individuals came together and both feel worse for it.

    Am I wrong?

    anita

    #364233
    miyoid
    Participant

    Thanks again, Anita. I guess you’re right but asking for him to look for a new apartment is kind of hard for me and him in current conditions. Separating houses would make our financial situations a bit hard, it would make us look for new flatmates in a timeframe which we should be busy working, etc. I’ll consider this in the following days but he actually started using antidepressants again. As I have mentioned, this started to be something I cannot handle and I wanted him to go to therapy again. I wanted a professional to handle this since I can’t anymore. He went, they prescribed a calmative drug for crisis and also an antidepressant. I don’t know if things would get better in the long run, but he is better already, after 2-3 days. I also started to be careful about my reactions and try to show my affection even more since this is the problem we have. He is afraid that I stop loving him or I start thinking that I can do better, be with better people etc.

    The Middle Way seems great by the way, not forcing anything. Thank you for everything, again.

    #364236
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    You are welcome. It’s a good thing that he is taking psychiatric medications and is better already. He owes you to continue to take the medication for as long as it makes it possible for him to not make your life miserable!

    Keep me updated as to how it works out, will you?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
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