August 18, 2020 at 4:23 pm #365085
Thank you for your time, really. He is now almost 10 days in with the antidepressants, we were doing better till today. I guess it is either a part of the process, or we’re not gonna be able to pull this through. Today, he wanted to break up because he is sick of himself for harming me emotionally. This happened after he forgot something on the floor and I accidentally fell because of it, no big deal for me but he got upset because it was his fault. Then he relapsed as he remembered how miserable I seemed after our discussions and stuff. (I get emotional very fast and I cry a lot as well.) So it was hard to make him a bit better after he got upset, we both cried for hours and discussed, etc. He suggested breaking up because of the reason I’ve mentioned above, and for the first time, I’ve said okay. Then we didn’t of course and moved on with our lives as depressive individuals, ate dinner, and watched stuff.
I see this from two perspectives, this can be because of the ups and downs after starting to the medicine, he mentioned that this could happen for like a month. In this case, I’ll wait till I see if this happens again in the next months as well. In another perspective, this is unacceptable for me. If these ideas (break up for me cause I’m not good for you) are gonna be there next year, the year after that and so on, then this is a huge red flag for me. I am someone who always has been broken up with in the past, I kind of see myself the sole losing party of relationships. Maybe after some time, they wanted to get back but the breakups were never my idea, always the other partners’ (Although there is not much of a relationship history but-) And my childhood traumas add these up with the abandonment issues. So him asking for me to break up, saying that he’s not good for me several times is started to make me feel nauseous out of anxiety. I feel like I might fail in this relationship too and then lose hope for good. So there’s that.August 18, 2020 at 6:11 pm #365092
There is a lot you are willing to put up with, in the relationship with him (it is not fun for you!). If the one thing you need from him most, to not break up with you (because of your “abandonment issues”) and he is failing this one and only one expectation that you have of him- then what is there in this relationship for you???
Am I understanding your situation correctly?
anitaAugust 24, 2020 at 8:14 pm #365496
Thank you for your support. He started to use his tranquilizer these days and I didn’t know he took 2 pills today for example. He was first against it, I guess it made him feel even sicker to need them. But then he started to take when he gets weird mood swings, I’ve never seen him angrier by the way. He is also doesn’t think the psychiatrist understands him or cares him enough which is probably true. He thinks that “The doctor and the antidepressants would not make me gain/earn myself, it can only reintegrate me into society.”
(I’ve translated the full sentence he said, that’s why ‘make me gain/earn’ part seems awkward. He meant something like being normal again, loving oneself again, having hope again.)
He slowly started to not answer his parents’ phone calls sometimes, I decided for now it’s not my job to say anything to him, his sister has met me so if they feel worried, they can ask me as well, other than that I think it’s better for me to stay outside of this. I’ll search for ways to make us feel better again. We just need some hope in our lives, especially him.August 25, 2020 at 10:25 am #365531
In your original post you wrote: “I’ve had a depressed childhood as well. I was rarely happy”.
In your most recent post you wrote: “he gets weird mood swings, I’ve never seen him angrier.. He is also… He thinks.. he said.. He meant.. He slowly started to.. I decided for now it’s not my job to say anything to him… I’ll search for ways to make us feel better again. We just need some hope in our lives, especially him”.
1. Living with him is keeping you depressed because he too is a depressed person.
2. You are so used to being depressed, since childhood, that you don’t know there is a different way to live. Not perceiving a life without depression, you stay with him.
I see your advantage in living with him being perhaps that you get to focus on him (“He thinks.. he said”, etc.), so you notice less your own depression (?)
anitaAugust 30, 2020 at 11:45 am #365844
he is failing this one and only one expectation that you have of him- then what is there in this relationship for you???
This sounds accurate but I don’t know how can I put myself first when he is putting me first as well and feeling miserable doing it. That can be a serious problem, I would be miserable to think of leaving him because he makes me unhappy. He doesn’t have anybody with him right now, since he started to lose contact with his parents, I don’t know where he would live and be with. He doesn’t have a place to go or a good friend to count on.
Other than that, maybe it makes me notice my own depression even less but I don’t know cause everything I get upset about, doesn’t end there. I get upset about one little thing and then I recall every single thing – trauma I feel bad about that subject and focus on those. I do this all the time, so maybe I’m pretty good at noticing mine as well as his’.August 30, 2020 at 7:08 pm #365871
I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now.
anitaAugust 31, 2020 at 10:34 am #365880
“he is putting me first as well and feeling miserable doing it”- then.. if he does not live with you, he will not be putting you first and being miserable as a result of putting you first.
“I would be miserable to think of leaving him because he makes me unhappy”- you write as if being unhappy is not a good enough reason to leave a relationship with a man.
“He doesn’t have anybody with him right now, since he started to lose contact with his parents, I don’t know where he would live and be with. He doesn’t have a place to go or a good friend to count on”-
– I suppose this means that you want to give him a place to go to and be his good friend.. but why are you his girlfriend???
anitaSeptember 12, 2020 at 9:28 am #366599
I guess your question clearly represents my need for intimacy. Since I don’t have anybody I feel this much intimacy with, and also because I don’t have anybody that understands me enough to make me comfortable by understanding, I choose to stay in this relationship. I cannot imagine how I can break up with him or make the decision to make him move to another place because both of them could have results such as a suicide or at least excessive self-harm. I, now, don’t have the strength to take this risk both for me and him. He considers himself a lost cause most of the time and I really want to make our lives better even though I know that’s not my responsibility. I don’t want to end anything unless it’s coming from him as well, in that case, he would be offering that in order to prevent more harm to me. He was using 75mg. and today he started using the same drug with 150mg. I really hope that our days can be brighter soon. I have to pass the leaving or separating houses solutions you’ve given me because I am really afraid of the possible outcomes. And he was always there for me when I needed, I feel like I should be there for him and I want to.
Also, we went to my hometown for 4 days for dental treatment and we stayed at mom’s house together. During those 4 days, since I was again depressed because of my memories with family and hometown, he kind of transformed into a better state and tried to help me and comfort me in any way. The day we’ve got back to our shared-house, I got better a little bit and he started to feel depressed again. This can be also because my mom tried to talk with us about psychological issues and asked him this specific question. “What does make you feel valuable?” He couldn’t reply. I couldn’t find any way to make him feel more valuable since then. I have this problem as well but he has it more I guess.September 12, 2020 at 11:03 am #366605
I respect your choice to stay with him, and I will not suggest again that you separate from him.
You staying with him so faithfully is different from how your parents were with you (“my dad and mom’s love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears… I’ve experienced being emotionally and physically abandoned“)-
– you definitely don’t and won’t abandon him, and you are very predictable in his life, being with him no matter what.
You shared that during the visit with your parents you were depressed and “he kind of transformed into a better state and tried to help me and comfort me in any way”; once the two of you returned to the house you share, you felt better and “he started to feel depressed again”.
Earlier in your recent post, you wrote that “he was always there for me when I needed, I feel like I should be there for him and I want to”-
– When the two of you stayed with your parents you needed him and he was there for you. When you returned to the place you share, you felt better, but you still needed him.. why did he stop being there for you?