Hello, wanted to post an update about the situation for further clarity.
I decided to try and make amends with my mother, and write her a little apology card with a small gift and flowers. I left them for her before I went to work today, then I got a text from my father telling me it was a very sweet and thoughtful gesture and she cried. Then proceeded by him telling me she is going to stay with her friend for a few days? I am so confused on what is going on in this situation and why this situation lead my mother to the extremes of leaving our house. I am unsure what to do and feel as if I am walking on eggshells inside our home. As soon I get home I say hello to my father, who is always in the living room, and then immediately go into my bedroom for the rest of the day. I feel as if I am trapped here in some weird way. I also don’t understand my mothers reaction to this whole situation, I am confused and unsure of if this whole ordeal is my fault or doing or not. Need advice. Thanks.

Hi Anita,

Much has happened since I posted this thread. Even though it has only been a little over a week it feels like this week has gone by draggingly slow. Bear with me, this will be lengthy.

I sat on your response after posting and started to come to terms with my feelings of guilt, and realized something deep within myself. Basically, it is completely out of my character to seek attention from other men outside of a relationship. I have had only a few long term relationships in my life, but in not one of them have I ever felt the need to go out and cheat on someone. Even with this situation, intentions were not cheating, but I enjoyed the attention I admitted.

So after thinking for a bit, I came to the conclusion that there has to be a REASON that I feel this way. A sound, explainable reason that I am feeling good about another man flirting with me. Usually, I would just shut someone like this down. Maybe, at some point in my relationship I realized the fights we had were actually a lot worse than I had downplayed in my mind. It started about 6 months after we were together, the fights got nasty. He would be screaming, yelling, saying horrible things to me, throwing and breaking our belongings and things sitting around the house. At one point, after I had driven away from a fight, he drove over to me and we proceeded to fight again in the car. Long story short, he punched my rear view mirror and cracked my entire car windshield. I had to have the whole thing replaced.

In my head, he would apologize for his actions so I would justify his behavior. I would tell him not to do it again, that it scares me, gives me anxiety. He would tell me he’s sorry and okay. It kept happening.
My point is, my attraction for another man was probably a tall tale sign that something inside my relationship wasn’t as stable as I thought.

Fast forward to this past Saturday. Me and my boyfriend ended up planning to go to one of our close friends parties. Before the party when I arrived home from work, we started arguing. He told me I had been acting weird and quiet for weeks and that whenever he asked me about it I still would act quote “weird.” Keep in mind this had been brought up a few days before. Despite this fighting, we decided to go to the party anyways. The entire time we were there, we did not actually talk. I would go up to him and give him a hug and kiss once in a while and he would oblige, but no actual conversation. So I stuck by my girl friends that entire night because of this. Then I am sitting with my friend right in front of the area my boyfriend was sitting, and he comes up and accuses me of adding a male friend of my females friend I was sitting with on social media. He goes up into my face and asked me almost manically what the interaction was, in front of all of our friends. Fast forward a bit, I started crying after this interaction and went to the restroom, he after came to the restroom and we argued once again. He told me I need a break, I said okay, and I left him there.

It has been half a week since then and I haven’t seen him, I grabbed a few things from our house and our dog and have been staying at my parents house again since. He has texted me and we have sent long messages back and forth, I still love him and this hurts. But deep down, I know that the things that happened in our relationship I cannot fix for him, and I deserve better than that. I keep crying missing him, I really did and do love him. I hope he gets the help he needs and finds happiness, even if it’s not with me.

Anyways thank you for listening and checking in Anita, I really appreciate it.

Anita,

All the things you brought up ring completely true, I’ve been made aware of the effects of my childhood on my mental health, and how a child would learn to cope in these negative ways of thinking by my therapist as well! I am aware none of the things that happened to me in my childhood are my fault, but I guess my next question is how do I break this cycle of thinking due to the fact my brain has been processing these emotions for 20 long years? Its so great hearing from someone who has similar experiences and struggles as me, and for that bit of comfort and reminder I am not alone in this I am so grateful for! Thank you so much!

Also, as a note, I do not carry any animosity for my parents to this day as I understand and recognize that sometimes things just happen. Unfortunately, I do often see myself still worrying what my parents think of me, even when I was living with my partner away from them, how did you overcome this?

To further expand on my question, was there any specific ways of healing you found particularly helpful in breaking this codependent way of thinking rooted from your childhood? Any mantras, types of therapy, or books you would recommend to help me on my journey to recovery?

Thank you! Hope to hear back soon.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tara.

Currently my relationship with my parents is much better than it was in the past, I can confide in my mom about almost anything which I am grateful for, though I don’t feel the same for my dad. I love him, but I don’t feel like I could come to him for these things because of reasons honestly unknown to me. I don’t remember much of my childhood, I know that my parents fought a lot, but I don’t really remember any distinct memories from those events. I was never abused or experiencing any direct trauma as far as I know. I was always in trouble for various random reasons almost all the time when I was younger, and I believe it because of this I felt I could not confide in anyone. I do not remember confiding in my mom much until about the point of 18.

He has had a history of depression and has come close to suicide previously, he has since moved past these issues on his own accord but I feel I am able to tell when his mindset switches back to negative thoughts. I am diagnosed with general anxiety disorder.