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Tara

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  • #362231
    Tara
    Participant

    Hey Miyoid!

    Not posting here to give advice but just to help you feel a little less alone as I feel our situations are very similar in a way. If you read my most recent posts you can see this! I too have felt that all my life I was generally unhappy since childhood. ” I was rarely happy and I didn’t know why.”

    For me also this was for no reason specifically specified, but with a lot of research, this forum, and a couple therapy sessions I have come to an understanding about where my mental illness has originated from, past relationships, and or your childhood. This relates to your story because these feelings have recently been exasperated by the relationship I am currently in, despite my love and admiration for my partner. Just like you said, it is not his fault in any way shape or form, but my despite my attempts to make him see this, he seems to tend to blame all of my own mental health issues on himself, which exasperates his own depression! I am not diagnosing anyone, as I am not a doctor in any way shape or form (just a 20 year old college student) but you should put some research into codependency, on his part and yours. Many symptoms of this include always feeling guilty for our own emotions, blaming ourselves for the way others feel, and often latching onto others to determine your own inner feelings, which seems to be the trend in your romantic relationships based on the info you provided me. This is often a learned behavior from our childhood or could possibly be from the abuse you suffered in your past relationships, and is often the brains way of coping with negative experiences! It doesn’t necessarily have to relate to relationships, although it does often create patterns in our romantic endeavors later in life! If you research the symptoms of this behavior, and feel that it fits you and/or your SO, I have some great reads and workbooks to recommend for you as you wait for your financial situation to improve to afford therapy/psychiatric help. If I am wrong and you don’t relate to these symptoms, feel free to disregard this information!

    You are not alone, and I admire your honesty in posting about your situation and your ability to reflect on your problems! You sound like a very strong person and a beautiful soul!

    #362226
    Tara
    Participant

    Anita,

    All the things you brought up ring completely true, I’ve been made aware of the effects of my childhood on my mental health, and how a child would learn to cope in these negative ways of thinking by my therapist as well! I am aware none of the things that happened to me in my childhood are my fault, but I guess my next question is how do I break this cycle of thinking due to the fact my brain has been processing these emotions for 20 long years? Its so great hearing from someone who has similar experiences and struggles as me, and for that bit of comfort and reminder I am not alone in this I am so grateful for! Thank you so much!

    Also, as a note, I do not carry any animosity for my parents to this day as I understand and recognize that sometimes things just happen. Unfortunately, I do often see myself still worrying what my parents think of me, even when I was living with my partner away from them, how did you overcome this?

    To further expand on my question, was there any specific ways of healing you found particularly helpful in breaking this codependent way of thinking rooted from your childhood? Any mantras, types of therapy, or books you would recommend to help me on my journey to recovery?

    Thank you! Hope to hear back soon.

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by Tara.
    #362120
    Tara
    Participant

    I don’t remember any direct details from any of my parents fights except very vague memories. I remember a time, not even sure what age I was at, standing at my parents door listening to them scream at each other, I remember crying, feeling as if it was my fault, because a lot of the fights I believe involved their ways of parenting me. I don’t remember exactly what I felt, as I can’t think back to my feelings much before the age of around 14-15. I remember my mom talking to me about their fights even from a young age, about how horrible and mean and angry my dad was, even though me myself didn’t directly experience his anger as far as I know or can recall.

    I was mostly in trouble for various normal reasons, such as messy rooms, bad grades, attitude towards my parents, talking back, defying their wishes, such as talking to boys or texting and making social media accounts when I was not supposed to. When I was a bit older I remember my mom and I often screaming at each other when I reached my teens for things like missing curfew, not doing as well in school, etc. and the only direct thing I can remember saying from these fights is something to the extent of “you only punish me for the bad things I do, you never tell me you’re proud of me for anything.” Thinking back, I know at the time I felt as if things like doing good in school, making great friends, winning awards was the norm, it wasn’t to be praised, it was just what was expected. Saying this, I realize now I get down on myself for this reason specifically after graduating high school, I feel as if because I’m not doing anything particularly spectacular, I am not doing good in life at all.

     

    #362111
    Tara
    Participant

    Currently my relationship with my parents is much better than it was in the past, I can confide in my mom about almost anything which I am grateful for, though I don’t feel the same for my dad. I love him, but I don’t feel like I could come to him for these things because of reasons honestly unknown to me. I don’t remember much of my childhood, I know that my parents fought a lot, but I don’t really remember any distinct memories from those events. I was never abused or experiencing any direct trauma as far as I know. I was always in trouble for various random reasons almost all the time when I was younger, and I believe it because of this I felt I could not confide in anyone. I do not remember confiding in my mom much until about the point of 18.

    #361870
    Tara
    Participant

    I do believe in twin flames, a partnership with a twin flame does not necessarily mean harmonious spiritual alignment to me. From the research I have done, there is often conflict in these type of relationships, though if this conflict and pain in the relationship is solved, happiness and a blissful sense of fulfillment should be restored. The two partners often resemble yin and yang, even going to the extent of having completely opposite childhood experiences.
    The connection you may be referring to, is a soulmate, I would put some research into that.
    Although I’m not an expert on this, in my opinion I do truly believe there is one twin flame, as a twin flame is supposed to have come into fruition from the same soul possibly splitting in half when reaching a high frequency (from what I’ve read). Hope this helps!

    #361720
    Tara
    Participant

    He has had a history of depression and has come close to suicide previously, he has since moved past these issues on his own accord but I feel I am able to tell when his mindset switches back to negative thoughts. I am diagnosed with general anxiety disorder.

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