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Tara

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  • #402607
    Tara
    Participant

    Hello Anita, sorry for the late reply, I have still been having a hell of a week (excuse my language).

    As I have been staying at my parents house nothing too horrible has happened, but my mother still tends to complain about my father and her relationship with him constantly. Another thing is my father also tends to have small angry outbursts when little things don’t go his way. I always go into my room to escape the anger, though it’s not directed at me, I hate the cussing and yelling and screaming over the smallest little inconveniences in his day. It gives me feelings of anxiety.

    Also, thank you for the wake up call by calling my situation domestic violence. I guess I never realized how bad it was until now. I feel dumb and naive for ever forgiving this man, and I don’t understand why I stayed as long as I did. I have pictures and some secret videos of our past fights, and after rewatching, it arises the emotions that I felt in the moments they were being taken.
    Even at one point in a video, my ex gets up in my face while yelling at me, balls his fist (almost like he wants to punch me) and then goes for our standing fan instead (he completely destroys it.) Another detail from this video that haunts me is at the end of the fight he tells me to leave, so I start to, and then you can hear our front door being held closed, while I’m exiting the house. I say “ow you’re hurting me” and then “let go of me” as he is holding onto my arm telling me I am not leaving the house until I take all of my things. Keep in mind this all is happening at one in the morning. I never had the heart to look at this video in depth until now, and it sickens me watching it.
    I feel lost, me and my ex have still been bickering over text about things since our breakup. Today he told me he found my “tinder” account from one of his friends. This account was made sort of as a joke/a lame ditch at getting some kind of positive male attention, and I admit it was a bit too early for me to be making a dating profile.

    I admitted all of this to him, and apologized, saying it was a mistake and it didn’t give the satisfaction I was looking for.

    But he kept obsessing over it. At first his demeanor in the text messages was sort of nice, but sad. He said things like “If it’s attention you want and that’s what makes you happy then I support you. You’re amazing and beautiful, I could never speak bad on your name and I won’t to our friends, they all love you, I’ll bring rest of your stuff by tomorrow when you’re at work.” Then hours later, I get a text from him, telling me that I am making nothing out of our 2 and a half year relationship, that I can come get my own stuff from our old house, that the tinder was the last straw. Almost acting as if I wasn’t the one who broke up with him? I apologized over and over again, not wanting this to be our last interaction, but he would not accept any of it. He just kept saying the same things over and over. I am feeling guilty for this and also scared of what the outcome of this situation is.

    I know that I messed up by making a dating profile so quickly, even though I am clearly not moved on. But I can’t shake the feeling he is going around our small town and same close group of friends telling everyone of this mistake, making it seem like I was the one who ruined our relationship. I know that if these people believe him, they never were truly my friends. At the same time I live in a tiny town, and am scared to even go to the same restaurants we always frequent (there is only a few in town). I am upset and scared that I will see our/his friends (they were his friends first) and that they will judge or call me out on this issue. I’m sad and I feel lost. I feel as if I cannot even step outside without fearing I will have to see and talk to someone that is directly related to him.

    Anyways, I know these problems are all surface and trivial, but they are plaguing me. What should I do Anita? I don’t know how to feel anymore. The worst part is, I still have feelings for him, and I don’t want to end on bad terms. Although maybe we already have.

    #402544
    Tara
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Much has happened since I posted this thread. Even though it has only been a little over a week it feels like this week has gone by draggingly slow. Bear with me, this will be lengthy.

    I sat on your response after posting and started to come to terms with my feelings of guilt, and realized something deep within myself. Basically, it is completely out of my character to seek attention from other men outside of a relationship. I have had only a few long term relationships in my life, but in not one of them have I ever felt the need to go out and cheat on someone. Even with this situation, intentions were not cheating, but I enjoyed the attention I admitted.

    So after thinking for a bit, I came to the conclusion that there has to be a REASON that I feel this way. A sound, explainable reason that I am feeling good about another man flirting with me. Usually, I would just shut someone like this down. Maybe, at some point in my relationship I realized the fights we had were actually a lot worse than I had downplayed in my mind. It started about 6 months after we were together, the fights got nasty. He would be screaming, yelling, saying horrible things to me, throwing and breaking our belongings and things sitting around the house. At one point, after I had driven away from a fight, he drove over to me and we proceeded to fight again in the car. Long story short, he punched my rear view mirror and cracked my entire car windshield. I had to have the whole thing replaced.

    In my head, he would apologize for his actions so I would justify his behavior. I would tell him not to do it again, that it scares me, gives me anxiety. He would tell me he’s sorry and okay. It kept happening.
    My point is, my attraction for another man was probably a tall tale sign that something inside my relationship wasn’t as stable as I thought.

    Fast forward to this past Saturday. Me and my boyfriend ended up planning to go to one of our close friends parties. Before the party when I arrived home from work, we started arguing. He told me I had been acting weird and quiet for weeks and that whenever he asked me about it I still would act quote “weird.” Keep in mind this had been brought up a few days before. Despite this fighting, we decided to go to the party anyways. The entire time we were there, we did not actually talk. I would go up to him and give him a hug and kiss once in a while and he would oblige, but no actual conversation. So I stuck by my girl friends that entire night because of this. Then I am sitting with my friend right in front of the area my boyfriend was sitting, and he comes up and accuses me of adding a male friend of my females friend I was sitting with on social media. He goes up into my face and asked me almost manically what the interaction was, in front of all of our friends. Fast forward a bit, I started crying after this interaction and went to the restroom, he after came to the restroom and we argued once again. He told me I need a break, I said okay, and I left him there.

    It has been half a week since then and I haven’t seen him, I grabbed a few things from our house and our dog and have been staying at my parents house again since. He has texted me and we have sent long messages back and forth, I still love him and this hurts. But deep down, I know that the things that happened in our relationship I cannot fix for him, and I deserve better than that. I keep crying missing him, I really did and do love him. I hope he gets the help he needs and finds happiness, even if it’s not with me.

    Anyways thank you for listening and checking in Anita, I really appreciate it.

    #362231
    Tara
    Participant

    Hey Miyoid!

    Not posting here to give advice but just to help you feel a little less alone as I feel our situations are very similar in a way. If you read my most recent posts you can see this! I too have felt that all my life I was generally unhappy since childhood. ” I was rarely happy and I didn’t know why.”

    For me also this was for no reason specifically specified, but with a lot of research, this forum, and a couple therapy sessions I have come to an understanding about where my mental illness has originated from, past relationships, and or your childhood. This relates to your story because these feelings have recently been exasperated by the relationship I am currently in, despite my love and admiration for my partner. Just like you said, it is not his fault in any way shape or form, but my despite my attempts to make him see this, he seems to tend to blame all of my own mental health issues on himself, which exasperates his own depression! I am not diagnosing anyone, as I am not a doctor in any way shape or form (just a 20 year old college student) but you should put some research into codependency, on his part and yours. Many symptoms of this include always feeling guilty for our own emotions, blaming ourselves for the way others feel, and often latching onto others to determine your own inner feelings, which seems to be the trend in your romantic relationships based on the info you provided me. This is often a learned behavior from our childhood or could possibly be from the abuse you suffered in your past relationships, and is often the brains way of coping with negative experiences! It doesn’t necessarily have to relate to relationships, although it does often create patterns in our romantic endeavors later in life! If you research the symptoms of this behavior, and feel that it fits you and/or your SO, I have some great reads and workbooks to recommend for you as you wait for your financial situation to improve to afford therapy/psychiatric help. If I am wrong and you don’t relate to these symptoms, feel free to disregard this information!

    You are not alone, and I admire your honesty in posting about your situation and your ability to reflect on your problems! You sound like a very strong person and a beautiful soul!

    #362226
    Tara
    Participant

    Anita,

    All the things you brought up ring completely true, I’ve been made aware of the effects of my childhood on my mental health, and how a child would learn to cope in these negative ways of thinking by my therapist as well! I am aware none of the things that happened to me in my childhood are my fault, but I guess my next question is how do I break this cycle of thinking due to the fact my brain has been processing these emotions for 20 long years? Its so great hearing from someone who has similar experiences and struggles as me, and for that bit of comfort and reminder I am not alone in this I am so grateful for! Thank you so much!

    Also, as a note, I do not carry any animosity for my parents to this day as I understand and recognize that sometimes things just happen. Unfortunately, I do often see myself still worrying what my parents think of me, even when I was living with my partner away from them, how did you overcome this?

    To further expand on my question, was there any specific ways of healing you found particularly helpful in breaking this codependent way of thinking rooted from your childhood? Any mantras, types of therapy, or books you would recommend to help me on my journey to recovery?

    Thank you! Hope to hear back soon.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Tara.
    #362120
    Tara
    Participant

    I don’t remember any direct details from any of my parents fights except very vague memories. I remember a time, not even sure what age I was at, standing at my parents door listening to them scream at each other, I remember crying, feeling as if it was my fault, because a lot of the fights I believe involved their ways of parenting me. I don’t remember exactly what I felt, as I can’t think back to my feelings much before the age of around 14-15. I remember my mom talking to me about their fights even from a young age, about how horrible and mean and angry my dad was, even though me myself didn’t directly experience his anger as far as I know or can recall.

    I was mostly in trouble for various normal reasons, such as messy rooms, bad grades, attitude towards my parents, talking back, defying their wishes, such as talking to boys or texting and making social media accounts when I was not supposed to. When I was a bit older I remember my mom and I often screaming at each other when I reached my teens for things like missing curfew, not doing as well in school, etc. and the only direct thing I can remember saying from these fights is something to the extent of “you only punish me for the bad things I do, you never tell me you’re proud of me for anything.” Thinking back, I know at the time I felt as if things like doing good in school, making great friends, winning awards was the norm, it wasn’t to be praised, it was just what was expected. Saying this, I realize now I get down on myself for this reason specifically after graduating high school, I feel as if because I’m not doing anything particularly spectacular, I am not doing good in life at all.

     

    #362111
    Tara
    Participant

    Currently my relationship with my parents is much better than it was in the past, I can confide in my mom about almost anything which I am grateful for, though I don’t feel the same for my dad. I love him, but I don’t feel like I could come to him for these things because of reasons honestly unknown to me. I don’t remember much of my childhood, I know that my parents fought a lot, but I don’t really remember any distinct memories from those events. I was never abused or experiencing any direct trauma as far as I know. I was always in trouble for various random reasons almost all the time when I was younger, and I believe it because of this I felt I could not confide in anyone. I do not remember confiding in my mom much until about the point of 18.

    #361870
    Tara
    Participant

    I do believe in twin flames, a partnership with a twin flame does not necessarily mean harmonious spiritual alignment to me. From the research I have done, there is often conflict in these type of relationships, though if this conflict and pain in the relationship is solved, happiness and a blissful sense of fulfillment should be restored. The two partners often resemble yin and yang, even going to the extent of having completely opposite childhood experiences.
    The connection you may be referring to, is a soulmate, I would put some research into that.
    Although I’m not an expert on this, in my opinion I do truly believe there is one twin flame, as a twin flame is supposed to have come into fruition from the same soul possibly splitting in half when reaching a high frequency (from what I’ve read). Hope this helps!

    #361720
    Tara
    Participant

    He has had a history of depression and has come close to suicide previously, he has since moved past these issues on his own accord but I feel I am able to tell when his mindset switches back to negative thoughts. I am diagnosed with general anxiety disorder.

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