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Confused and at a loss. I love him.

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  • #361716
    Tara
    Participant

    Hello again!
    My name is Tara and I am writing for advice again because this has been a difficult time for me the past two weeks. I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 22. We got together about 6 months ago and started living together about 2 months ago (I know this seems rushed but there wasn’t any other choice). I am very happy with him and love him deeply, I am upset by the idea of losing him and hope to be with him forever. We have a lot of things in common and I love our relationship. Before all this we had an incredible connection, always knowing what the other was thinking, saying the same things at the same time, just generally getting along very very well. The best relationship I’ve ever had in my life if I’m being honest.

    Recently, my general anxiety spiked up out of the blue and turned into full blown panic attacks and anxiety the rest of the days, this has never happened in my life before, but I am working on figuring out the root cause of it and learning more about myself and what I want in life fully. My boyfriend tried to help me with these panic attacks at first, but couldn’t successfully see he was “helping me” because of how constant and severe my anxiety continued to be. I realized this deeply upsets him, as he feels powerless and has gone through a lot with mental illness in the past.

    This lead to my insecurity, always feeling anxious when talking, trying to watch what I say around him to not cause an argument, which also lead to more anxiety. Keep in mind this is only in the past two weeks. Because of this constant anxiety and him feeling powerless, fights about this same thing had ensued almost everyday. I would try to tell him he can’t fix my mental illness, only support me, but he tells me it makes him crazy knowing he can’t do anything to help me, almost blaming the situation on me. I know he has a fragile mental state because of what he’s been through in the past, and we both agreed to take a small and short break so that I don’t bring him down with me in the meantime of my own personal battle.

    Since the last fight, we have decided to give each other a little space and I have moved back into my parents house so I can be in a familiar environment to figure out my anxiety and so he can also work on his insecurities. I am sure this is the right choice, as my love for him only grows stronger when we are apart and my anxiety is less and less everyday due to me being in a comforting environment with my parents. I cry constantly when I think about him, and I plan on working on my own personal issues so we can again be together and have as much fun and feel as comfortable with each other as we did in the beginning.

    The only problem is, today, out of the blue he accused me of blocking him from all social media’s (I would never) and telling me he is confused and doesn’t know what to think of anything anymore. I tried to tell him he needs to trust that I am not trying to push him away during this time apart but only work on bettering myself so we can pick back up in our relationship eventually. I reassure him I love him everyday since the days apart (has only been two days) and tell him I am still willing to continue to talk and see each other. I feel that he needs to understand I cannot work on myself fully if I am constantly worrying what he thinks of our relationship or if he is resentful towards me for something.

    I am sure his “anger” is coming from his sadness and missing me, as he usually reverts to anger and insecurity in hard times. I know that he loves me with his whole heart, I can see it and so can all the people he is close to in his life. But I wish I could get through to him fully and am scared that he will continue to read to far into everything I say, do, or post. I need to get over my anxiety about this if I want to continue our relationship and he needs to get over his trust issues and insecurities at the same time. Is time apart the right thing? How can I make him see this break from my point of view? Also how can we make this time apart a learning experience and bring us closer together in the end?

    • This topic was modified 4 weeks ago by Tara.
    #361719
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tara:

    You mentioned your boyfriend’s “fragile mental state” and your own mental illness (“I would try to tell him he can’t fix my mental illness“-

    – can you elaborate on what you mean by his fragile mental state and by your mental illness?

    anita

    #361720
    Tara
    Participant

    He has had a history of depression and has come close to suicide previously, he has since moved past these issues on his own accord but I feel I am able to tell when his mindset switches back to negative thoughts. I am diagnosed with general anxiety disorder.

    #361735
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tara:

    You shared that you are 20, living with your parents. You are currently on a break from your boyfriend, 22,  whom you met six months ago, and with whom you lived for two months,  “but plan to get back together in the near future after I have had some counseling and figured myself out”.

    He has a history of depression and you were diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. You also mentioned Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (“maybe even OCD is pushing me to think about this issue”).

    You shared that recently, your “general anxiety spiked up out of the blue and turned into full blown panic attacks and anxiety”. Your boyfriend tried to help you with the panic attacks but wasn’t able to. “This deeply upset him, as he feels powerless”. Him being upset made you feel more anxious, “trying to watch what I say around him not cause an argument… fights about this same thing had ensued almost everyday.. he tells me it makes him crazy knowing he can’t do anything to help me”.

    As a result, “we both agreed to take a small and short break so that I don’t bring him down with me”, and you moved back to your parents’ two days ago. A day later (yesterday), he falsely accused you of blocking him from social media, and told you that “he is confused and doesn’t know what to think of anything anymore”. You feel that he is angry at you.

    My input today:

    1. About anger- you wrote: “I am sure his ‘anger’ is coming from his sadness and missing me”- you placed anger in quotation marks, as if he is not really angry at you, or as if anger is not a valid feeling. Maybe you are uncomfortable with anger, including your own anger, and this discomfort plays a part in your anxiety.

    Anger doesn’t come from sadness. If he feels anger at you, it is because he perceives that you hurt him and that it was wrong of you to hurt him.

    2. About living with a person who experiences “full blown panic attacks and anxiety”- it is a very difficult situation for any person to be living with another person who experiences full blown panic attacks and anxiety. It is even more difficult for someone struggling with depression. Like you stated yourself, it was the right thing for you to move back to your parents, so to not bring him down with you any longer.

    3. About him falsely accusing you for blocking him from social media, and telling you that he is confused etc.- it is possible that he wants to break up with you for his own mental health. For his well-being, please consider this option.

    4. About your questions- you asked: “Is time apart the right thing?”- yes.

    “How can I make him see this break from my point of view?”- if I understand correctly, your point of view is to have a short break from him and within that break heal your anxiety, and then resume the relationship/ live together. But what is his point of view, I don’t know. Do you?

    “how can we make this time apart a learning experience and bring us closer together in the end?”-

    – stay living apart, and seek professional help, the counseling that you mentioned and perhaps medication.

    – don’t fight anymore (“fights about this same thing had ensued almost everyday”)- I don’t know what those fights were about. If you want to explain the fights to me, please do.

    – if you want to share about when you were diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, when your severe anxiety started/ under what circumstances, please do, and I will respond further.

    anita

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