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22 living with parents, confused.

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  • #405124
    Tara
    Participant

    Hello again everyone and Anita! It has been a long while since I have written here, (since I broke up with my toxic ex boyfriend and moved back into my parents house.) I am starting a new thread to seek some advice about a situation between my parents and I currently. I know you have heard a lot of my childhood in previous posts Anita, and am wondering what advice you have for this situation.
    Since breaking up with my ex, I have been living at my parents house for the past few months. I am grateful that while living here I do not have to pay bills (by which my parents offered), though I feel as if the dynamic between me and my parents is very damaging being back as you expected Anita.
    To explain further, since my breakup I have been going out with my friends often, going to parties etc, quite often. I am 22 years old, quite young, and feel as if this is my way of coping with getting out of a long term abusive relationship. Though I do not think my parents have been enjoying or supporting it since I moved in. I work two jobs and am going to college, always on time to work and always passing my classes with flying colors. When I go out, I feel there is always an excess of questions asked when I am going out. Not just the normal where are you going, and with whom, but more than that, and deep down I feel the disappointment in their tone.

    Though I understand I now live here and my parents have concern for my safety, I feel as if it goes past just that. They have my location on at all times, and if my phone ever dies or I go out of service since I live in a rural area, the texts and calls blow up my phone when I come back into service to the point where I get anxiety. At this point, I feel as if I am a child once again.

    For the past 2-3 weeks, I have been seeing a man casually but since this started have felt the urge to lie to both of my parents about my whereabouts when with this person. I am not sure why I did this in the first place as I am a grown adult and should care less about what my parents have to think about the situation, but I have been and I cannot take it back now. I feel as if it comes from a place of guilt and the fear of my parents judgement and disproval.

    Throughout my life, my mother has always been unsupportive and extremely judgmental of any relations I have had with males, and I think this too also contributed to the feeling that I needed to lie about my whereabouts.
    Recently, they caught onto this lie easily (I really didn’t hide it well) and I ended up having a conversation with my mother about what has been really going on and apologizing for lying to her and my father. This conversation did not go the best. I was told that I quote “need therapy” and that “she knows it’s not casual.” I was also told that my apology was non genuine, and that because I was expressing my explaination (not excuse) for this lie, that I was flipping the narrative onto my parents instead of taking responsibility, and that the only reason I “fessed up” was because they caught me. Which could be more from the truth, if I wanted to continue to hold onto this lie, I very well could’ve. This spiraled into my mother listing everything that I have done wrong while living in their house, and threatening me to move out and also to get rid of my dog. Since this discussion, my mother has not talked to me in 4 days. I feel as if I was the one to apologize, but now it is up to her to try and speak to me, as she is the parent in this situation.
    I feel as if me apologizing and trying to talk to my mother about the situation honestly did more harm than good. I feel as if it meant absolutely nothing to her that I reached out to try and be honest. I am unsure of what to do, and would like to know if I am in the wrong? Should I try to apologize again? Or do you think I need to wait till she realizes the silent treatment is immature and damaging to our relationship? Let me know.

    #405130
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tara

    It’s good to hear that you got out of an abusive relationship!

    As for your parents, I think that your instincts are correct about the controlling behaviour regarding your location and who you go out with.

    Working two jobs and studying, you sound like a responsible young adult. For both of these reasons, you deserve your freedom. It does seem like they are struggling to see you as the adult that you are.

    I understand what it is like to lie to parents when they are unsupportive and judgemental of who you are spending time with. I would imagine that you were trying to avoid that reaction? It doesn’t sound like you meant to hurt any feelings.

    I think it matters that you were honest when the situation was discussed.

    How are you holding up with the stonewalling? This too is a form of abuse. It’s not great that they tried to gaslight and blame you either. The whole situation seems verbally abusive and  (I’m not a fan of this word) toxic.

    I think you are a very capable of making this decision yourself. So I wonder, what would your ideal resolution to this issue look like?

    On a happier note, how are things with this new man?

    #405151
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tara:

    Good to read back from you!!!

    Less than two months ago, in June 19, 2002, you wrote: “As I have been staying at my parents’ house nothing too horrible has happened, but my mother still tends to complain about my father and her relationship with him constantly. Another thing is my father also tends to have small angry outbursts when little things don’t go his way. I always go into my room to escape the anger, though it’s not directed at me, I hate the cussing and yelling and screaming over the smallest little inconveniences in his day”-

    – today, you wrote: “Throughout my life, my mother has always been unsupportive and extremely judgmental of any relations I have had with males…my mother (said) .. that I quote ‘need therapy’“- well, based on what you shared (paragraph above), I judge her relationship with a particular male (your father) as unhealthy and dysfunctional and I think that your mother needs therapy.

    I work two jobs and am going to college, always on time to work and always passing my classes with flying colors“- this means that you are functional while living in your parents’ dysfunctional home.

    Do you think I need to wait till she realizes the silent treatment is immature and damaging to our relationship?“- no point in waiting for as long as forever.

    I feel as if it meant absolutely nothing to her that I reached out to try and be honest. I am unsure of what to do, and would like to know if I am in the wrong? Should I try to apologize again?“- I don’t think that you are in the wrong, and I don’t think there is any point in you trying to establish an honest, deep communication with your mother. I think that having a casual, superficial relationship with your mother (and father) is best, a relationship that is as pleasant as ca be under the circumstances. If it takes apologizing to her to make your life in her home a bit more pleasant- apologize.

    It would be best for you to not live in your parents’ home, but I understand how difficult the financial aspect can be.

    anita

     

    #405210
    Tara
    Participant

    Hello, wanted to post an update about the situation for further clarity.
    I decided to try and make amends with my mother, and write her a little apology card with a small gift and flowers. I left them for her before I went to work today, then I got a text from my father telling me it was a very sweet and thoughtful gesture and she cried. Then proceeded by him telling me she is going to stay with her friend for a few days? I am so confused on what is going on in this situation and why this situation lead my mother to the extremes of leaving our house. I am unsure what to do and feel as if I am walking on eggshells inside our home. As soon I get home I say hello to my father, who is always in the living room, and then immediately go into my bedroom for the rest of the day. I feel as if I am trapped here in some weird way. I also don’t understand my mothers reaction to this whole situation, I am confused and unsure of if this whole ordeal is my fault or doing or not. Need advice. Thanks.

    #405215
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tara

    I’m sorry that your mother continues to act in an abusive way by ignoring you and even went to the extreme of leaving the house.

    None of this is your fault and is the result of your mother’s own deep rooted issues. Her behaviour is hers alone and is nothing to do with you.

    It speaks a lot to your character that you chose to appease your mother even though you bear little responsibility for the situation and had previously apologised for the lying – something that you only did because you were uncomfortable with the unreasonable behavior.

    Please take care of yourself and try not to worry about her. Have faith that she will work through her own issues of her own accord.

    #405219
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tara:

    ” My mother still tends to complain about my father and her relationship with him constantly. Another thing is my father also tends to have small angry outbursts when little things don’t go his way… Since my breakup I have been going out with my friends often, going to parties etc., quite often. I am 22 years old, quite young… there is always an excess of questions asked when I am going out. Not just the normal where are you going, and with whom, but more than that… Though I understand I now live here and my parents have concern for my safety, I feel as if it goes past just that… For the past 2-3 weeks, I have been seeing a man casually… Throughout my life, my mother has always been unsupportive and extremely judgmental of any relations I have had with males…(your mother told you, quote) ‘she knows it’s not casual‘…This spiraled into my mother listing everything that I have done wrong while living in their house, and threatening me to move out and also to get rid of my dog. Since this discussion, my mother has not talked to me in 4 days…  she is going to stay with her friend for a few days” (June 19, Aug 7, 8, 2022).

    I am so confused on what is going on” you wrote in your most recent post. My best guess as to what is going on, based on the quotes above, is that although your father and to some extent perhaps your mother too have been concerned for your safety in regard to you frequently going out at night to parties and such, your mother has been jealous of you for being young, single and able to go out and have fun, while she is older, unhappily married and while you go out- she is stuck with your father with whom she is having no fun at all.

    You wrote that throughout your life, your mother was extremely judgmental of any relations you had with males, I think that the reason is that she’s been unhappy with your father throughout much of your life and jealous of you for… not being stuck with him, and for being able to have fun elsewhere. When you told her recently that you are having a causal relationship with a young man, her jealousy spiked. I think that she imagined that you are having sex with this man, and having fun having sex- and she was jealous.

    I am confused and unsure of if this whole ordeal is my fault“- no, it’s not your fault that your parents are in an unhappy marriage, that your mother wishes that she was young, single and free to go to parties and have an exciting dating life, instead of being stuck with your father wishing she was elsewhere.

    Mothers who are jealous of their daughters are jealous for various reasons, and so, your mother is not jealous of you for the very same reasons that apply to other jealous mothers, and not all jealous mothers behave the same. In your case, seems to me that the reason for her jealously is what I pointed to above.

    From the book Daughter Detox: Recovering From an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life: “Talking about maternal jealousy is perhaps the ultimate taboo, inimical to all we hold dear about motherhood and want to believe about mother love, especially that of a mother for her daughter. While maternal jealousy is a freighted topic, it’s not a rarity”.

    From the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: “Normal or healthier mothers are proud of their children and want them to shine. But a narcissistic mother may perceive her daughter as a threat. If attention is drawn away from the mother, the child suffers retaliation, put-downs, and punishments. The mother can be jealous of her daughter for many reasons: her looks, her youth, material possessions, accomplishments, education and even the young girl’s relationship with the father”.

    we have kids. com/ family relationships/ why some moms get jealous of their daughters: “Do you have a strained relationship with your mother and don’t know why?… While growing up, a girl may sense that the relationship with her mom is strained. The possibility that it’s caused by maternal jealousy, though, is the furthest thing from (the daughter’s) mind. Instead, she blames herself… t’s not until she grows older, gets wiser, and, perhaps, seeks therapy that she realizes her mom has been envious of her all along. With that aha moment, everything finally begins to make sense and she can begin to heal… Another common source of a mom’s envy is her daughter’s seemingly unlimited prospects. At a time when her own possibilities may be narrowing, she sees her child’s world open up. She may wish that she had enjoyed the freedoms that young women have today: exploring their sexuality… When moms get jealous of their daughters, it’s best for their daughters to distance themselves. I moved away from my mom (both physically and emotionally)… Part of maturing is seeing our parents as human beings with frailties and limitations just like everyone else. Hopefully, you can stand back now, realize your mother struggles with jealousy and insecurity, and not take it personally. It has everything to do with her and nothing to do with you.”

    anita

     

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