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I’ve found the root! Forgiveness and empathy?

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  • July 16, 2020 at 12:50 am #361852
    Tara
    Participant

    Dear Anita,Thank you for replying to all of my posts. With your help I believe I have found the root of my anxiety and recent panic attacks.I believe the root of this anxiety is my boyfriends anger. I love him deeply. It hurts me to be away from him and I am convinced he is the one for me. I have read into twin flames and am convinced this label fits our relationship. We have a lot in common and before my anxiety occurred our days were filled with joy and little to no problems at all. We are always thinking the same things at the same time and often say the same things at the same tine too! Thinking of it makes my heart warm. I have never felt this much love for any person in my life before and I am sure it scares me and also adds to my anxiety. I think the panic attacks are because of an incident thay occurred about one month ago. For reference we have been together for around six months now.
    About a month ago we planned a small trip away from home for the weekend. My boyfriend was working at a location on the way to our hotel so I picked him up on the way. This job consisted of him working in 113 degree weather for about a week and sleeping on an RV couch each night with no AC. As soon as I picked him up I could tell his demeanor was different. He was instantly angry about something I has said and apologized for two days before. (nothing serious but just a random rude comment on my part I made about our roommate not cleaning the house.) The situation escalated and he began to yell and throw things around the car. I began to cry and the rest of the car ride to the hotel was silent.

    Once in our room the throwing things and yelling continued. He said a few things that hurt my feelings deeply during this. His phone was thrown onto the bed and hit my arm a bit hard. He immediately apologized but then we continued to argue. We apologized to each other later that night and fell asleep after hanging out with some friends.

    The next day we had to leave very early to go back to his job, which further aggravated him because he was not made aware by his boss he would have to drive back. When we arrived he quickly became sick, nauseous and then passed out, I am first aid certified so I quickly took all the correct measures for heat stroke and we soon realized that the reason for his altered mental state/ extreme irritability the whole week was most likely due to a long going bout of heat stroke. After all this was over, he immediately felt bad, apologizing for his actions and telling me I didn’t deserve the things he said to me and he didn’t mean any of it. He even came to the point of almost crying telling me he was sorry and that he did not want to end up being how his dad was when he was younger. (Generally angry and mean hearted) I told him it was alright and I understood that his body was in a lot of stress that week which probably led to an altered mental state and easy irrational behavior.

    Since then, I feel that even though deep down I know he did not mean to hurt me or say the things he said I still can’t shake a feeling of being scared of making him angry again. I am deeply insecure and I feel this is the reason for my anxiety, not being able to forget the things he said and did even though I know it was not his true self. I know he would never hurt me purposely but I feel that my anxiety was triggered because of this situation. When I was a child my father had many angry outbursts, yelling, screaming, stomping and much of the same behavior I witnessed that day. I know that my boyfriend loves me and is regretful for his actions, but I am not sure how to truly forget this incident and move on in our relationship.

    Since we have been on a break, he has told me he has decided to go to therapy and he knows he needs to continue to work on himself. I know how hard it can be for a lot of males (as well as females) to admit that they need help so I feel that this shows his ability to notice his behaviors and his want for change.  He told me he has struggled with anger issues before and feels sad that he has come back to this point again. I am also going to therapy and think it’s great both of us have decided to personally work on ourselves before our relationship completely fell apart. This fact makes me very happy, and gives me hope for the future, but I am scared I will not be able to get over my anxiety because of this incident, even though I know his mental state was altered by the stress he was under. I love him so much and it hurts me that he causes me this anxiety. I know it is not my fault or his but I need advice in forgiving him for his actions so we can be together happily again! Any tips on forgiveness and acceptance? Thank you!

    • This topic was modified 4 years ago by Tara.
    July 16, 2020 at 6:22 am #361866
    Canadian Eagle
    Participant

    Tara

    Do you believe in Twin Flames ?
    Would a partnership with a Twin Flame be harmonious spiritual alignment ?

    Also, is it possible to have multiple Twin Flames …or Triplet Flames?

     

    July 16, 2020 at 8:28 am #361869
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tara:

    You are welcome. A note: you are welcome to start new threads if you prefer. But you do have a choice: to either continue to post in one thread, or start a new thread. There are threads with more than 100 pages per thread, and going. I mention this because I don’t know if you are aware of this choice.

    You shared that about a month ago your boyfriend was working in 113 degrees weather for about a week, sleeping on an RV couch without air conditioning. You picked him up on the way to a hotel where you were to spend the weekend. As soon as you picked him up, he was angry about something you said and apologized for two days before regarding a roommate not cleaning the house. He “began to yell and throw things around the car”, you cried, and the rest of the car ride was silent.

    Once in the hotel room, “the throwing things and yelling continued”, as he threw his phone, it hit your arm a bit hard, and he said things that hurt your feelings deeply. The next day, he “became sick, nauseous and then passed out”. Being a first aid certified, you figured he suffered a heat stroke, and that explains “his altered mental state/ extreme irritability the whole week.. a long going bout of heat stroke.. his body was in a lot of stress that week which probably led to an altered mental state and easy irrational behavior”.

    He later apologized to you, crying and telling you that “he did not want to end up being how his dad was when he was younger (Generally angry and mean hearted)”. But you “still can’t shake a feeling of being scared of making him angry again.. I feel this is the reason for my anxiety, not being able to forget the things he said and did even though I know it was not his true self. I know he would never hurt me purposefully but I feel that my anxiety was triggered because of this situation. When I was a child my father had many angry outbursts, yelling, screaming, stomping”.

    Since the two of you have been on a break, he told you that “he has struggled with anger issues before and feels sad that he has come back to this point again”, and he decided to go to therapy. You are hopeful, but you “need advice in forgiving him for his actions so we can be together happily again! Any tips on forgiveness and acceptance?”

    My input today: like he told you, “he has struggled with anger issues before” the weekend and independently of the weather and of suffering a heat stroke. Yelling and throwing things around is unacceptable regardless of how angry he feels. In the therapy he attends, he will need strong guidance and practice of anger management techniques which include relaxation techniques, problem solving skills and improving communication/ interpersonal skills. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is often used in anger management treatment, in addition to other forms of therapies. One CBT technique applied in anger management is for the client to identify situations that can potentially trigger his/ her feeling of anger (the anger cue), the anger cue can be external or internal (automatic thoughts and irrational beliefs), then apply relaxation techniques (regulating breathing, taking a time out, mindfulness exercises), then choosing appropriate behavior. The client and therapist can practice the process in sessions using role play, in which the client role plays appropriate behavior following the anger cue.

    Reads to me that you did a good job identifying the root of your recent elevated anxiety. Even if you didn’t have an angry father who didn’t manage his anger well, having an angry boyfriend who doesn’t manage his anger well .. is scary enough. Angry, aggressive, out of control behavior is scary for everyone, including (other) animals!

    As far as advice and tips on how to forgive him and basically, not being scared of him anymore- that’s a tough one. Clearly, he will need to never, ever again behave in an angry/ aggressive, out of control way, never again yell, never throw things. His voice may naturally go up when he is angry, but once it goes up, he will need to notice that his volume went up, and bring it down within a few seconds. If you see him doing well, week after week, month after month, then I imagine you will no longer be afraid of him getting angry again, because you will be used to him managing his anger well.

    anita

     

    July 16, 2020 at 8:37 am #361870
    Tara
    Participant

    I do believe in twin flames, a partnership with a twin flame does not necessarily mean harmonious spiritual alignment to me. From the research I have done, there is often conflict in these type of relationships, though if this conflict and pain in the relationship is solved, happiness and a blissful sense of fulfillment should be restored. The two partners often resemble yin and yang, even going to the extent of having completely opposite childhood experiences.
    The connection you may be referring to, is a soulmate, I would put some research into that.
    Although I’m not an expert on this, in my opinion I do truly believe there is one twin flame, as a twin flame is supposed to have come into fruition from the same soul possibly splitting in half when reaching a high frequency (from what I’ve read). Hope this helps!

    July 16, 2020 at 8:57 am #361874
    Canadian Eagle
    Participant

    Tara

    You have really researched and contemplated the Twin Flame phenomenon, I admire your ability to reflect on your self and you life events. Your partner is very fortunate to have such a beautiful soul love him. I know you will be able to guide him to the full blossoming that Twin Flames can ultimately achieve .

    I wish you and your partner joy, health and a long life to enjoy it .

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