Dear Nath:

It is obvious in your writing on this thread, and in your previous thread, four months and twenty days ago, that you have loved this woman intensely for about half a year, that you have been very invested in her, did your very best with her, and you are quite devastated that it didn’t work out.

“Walking away” is the title of your thread, because you physically “walked away. No contact. Giving space”,  but you didn’t walk away emotionally: “P.S: I love her”.

I want to look closer into what you shared on both thread so that maybe I can offer you something more than my hope that you will feel better soon.

You wrote about the emotional connection with her: “We hit it off immediately and had a fantastic connection.. there was a genuine bond immediately… we felt more than friendship for each other… we were extremely happy”-

– there is a difference between what you felt about for her (your subjective experience) and what she felt for you (her subjective experience). The evidence of what she felt is in the words she told you three months after meeting you, January this year: “she opened up to me and said that she had feelings for me that were stronger than just friendship”, but how much stronger than friendship were her feelings for you, maybe just a bit stronger?  You were “extremely happy” with her, I don’t know if she was extremely happy with you. My point is, you may have imagined that her subjective experience of you and the connection with you was the same as yours, but it may have been quite different in quality and intensity.

“But then something happened, and she panicked, got severe anxiety about it all and suddenly it was over before it even began… She found a way to bury her feelings, build some walls and continue on.. the timing is out, she’s just not ready”, “She said she was in a funk. Not ready to commit. The timing was all wrong. And although she was open about how great she thought I’d be for her, she just wasn’t ready”-

– what does it mean that she “just wasn’t ready”- people say that often when they break up with a person. It suggests that she might be ready later, doesn’t it? So it’s a matter of timing, like you concluded yourself, “the timing is out”. But what if she suffered anxiety regarding her divorce proceedings to come, or her life otherwise, but not so much about you, and she wasn’t attracted to you?

“Personally I feel she is just protecting me. Not wanting me to wait around”- what if this is your wishful thinking…?

“I also feel after many chats with her she is scared. Scared she finally has this guy to respect her. Supports her.. And that she’ll lose him or something will go wrong, she hasn’t had much luck with the men..”- what if she is scared about her life/ her future and she is not attracted to you, the man who respects and supports her. What if she is attracted to men who.. don’t respect and support her?

“I was sure we were on the same path. But it seems we are not. I don’t want to settle for just friends. My feelings are too strong. So I walked away. No contact. Giving space”- indeed the two of you were not on the same path, but how different were your two paths as far as subjective experiences go? If you perceive her path as it really is and has been, you will be better equipped as you move forward: hope or give up hope, give her space for a while or let her go.

I wonder, if you asked her these things, if she would answer you truthfully. Often, when people break up, they want to protect the rejected person’s feelings and to avoid the rejected person’s anger, so they say things that are not true. The result sometimes is that the rejected person keeps hoping and doesn’t move on, leading to continued and ongoing suffering.

It is also possible that she felt very strongly for you, as a boyfriend, romantically and physically, and then she got scared, as you suspected.. ask her, when you get the chance, make sure that your assumption is true before you continue to invest in this assumption in one way or another.

anita