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Walking away

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  • #362744
    Nath
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    So I guess I’m here for maybe some third party advice. Met a girl last October. We connected immediately. Had and instant bond. Became inseparable. I had been single for 10 years. She around 10 months from and awful and very messy marriage.

    In January this year, she opened up too me and said that she had feelings for me that were stronger than just friendship. I was surprised by this, because she had been anti relationship from the day I met her.

    After discussion, we kissed one night. That the was the beginning of our relationship, or so I thought. One night, we had a beautiful romantic dinner, there was some clean innocent intimate moments, it was beautiful.

    Literally 24 hours later. We were done. She said she was in a funk. Not ready to commit. The timing was all wrong. And although she was open about how great she thought I’d be for her, she just wasn’t ready.

    Seeing the devastating state she was in, I stated friends with her, to help and support her as much as I could. And yes, I guess I hoped we would eventually end up together when the time was right.

    We became closer. I have invested so much into her. Supportive with everything great and not so great. She has shown a lot of dependence toward me, and I her. And honestly, it just feels right.

    We are very close.

    Until a conversation the other night where after a few things were asked, she said her and I would only ever be friends and never be anything more.

    I was devastated. Because I never saw this in her behaviour toward me at all.

    Personally I feel she is just protecting me. Not wanting me to wait around. I also feel after many chats with her she is scared. Scared she finally has this guy to respects her. Supports her. Makes her happy. And that she’ll lose him or something will go wrong, she hasn’t had much luck with the men or male role models in her life at all.

    That said, I felt that I couldn’t accept it. I was sure we were on the same path. But it seems we are not. I don’t want to settle for just friends. My feelings are too strong.

    So I walked away. No contact. Giving space.

    Im wondering your thoughts. And if you have any advice or if anyone had been in a similar situation.

    Thankyou.

    Ps: I love her.

    #362754
    Tim
    Participant

    Hi Nate,

    Mate, kudos for you getting back out there after 10 years! Also may sound strange to say this but well done on walking away from someone you love and not settling for friendship when you are aware of your feelings, that takes courage, bravery, strength, and self-worth.

    I will give you my perspective having been in a similar situation but as the one who was “wishy-washy” and from my current partner’s perspective as I discussed this with her when we reconciled.

    I’ll keep my backstory brief, I had a very toxic past relationship, and when I finally stumbled across a wonderful woman, what did I do? I royally cocked it up after she showed compassion, care, support, patience, and the love I had been missing all along. Due to my past, fear took hold and instead of facing it. I ran, self-sabotaged allowed my brain to convince me I would get attached, she would walk away, she deserved better, she wasn’t right for me, etc. A concoction of negative thoughts, so I treated her badly or at least not how she deserved.

    Like yourself, my current partner assessed that even with all the love she had to give it was not enough for her. So she let me go and gave me space. In that space, I took the time to work on myself and we reconciled. I asked her why she gave me another chance, she said she had always felt the connection and knew if I had too, I would return, however she loved herself also to know when to walk away and not invest more, she kept dating. I got lucky that the timing was right when we reconciled.

    So if you love her, set her free which you have done and if she values you and the connection is as real as it seems, she will go away and do the work on herself and return. Many people say there is plenty of fish in the sea, there is but I understand as you become older you realise it is very difficult to connect in a deeper and more meaningful way with people, it is rare to find those instant bonds, so I can see why you are wanting to invest further but you have done your part and deserve a relationship where your needs are met.

    If you are meant to be, let her do the work to overcome the baggage by herself. If you ever reconcile it will be a much healthier and stronger relationship. Past baggage needs to be left behind not dragged into and projected onto a new relationship, otherwise, it is a recipe for disaster and as you have seen the relationship is doomed before it has begun.

    I would as difficult as it has been take her word, and keep searching. Do not become fixated on false hope. If someone wants you enough they will come and find you and do the work. If it happens it will, but never put your life on hold for someone who is not currently willing to do the same for you.

    Good Luck mate!

     

    #362756
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nath:

    It is obvious in your writing on this thread, and in your previous thread, four months and twenty days ago, that you have loved this woman intensely for about half a year, that you have been very invested in her, did your very best with her, and you are quite devastated that it didn’t work out.

    “Walking away” is the title of your thread, because you physically “walked away. No contact. Giving space”,  but you didn’t walk away emotionally: “P.S: I love her”.

    I want to look closer into what you shared on both thread so that maybe I can offer you something more than my hope that you will feel better soon.

    You wrote about the emotional connection with her: “We hit it off immediately and had a fantastic connection.. there was a genuine bond immediately… we felt more than friendship for each other… we were extremely happy”-

    – there is a difference between what you felt about for her (your subjective experience) and what she felt for you (her subjective experience). The evidence of what she felt is in the words she told you three months after meeting you, January this year: “she opened up to me and said that she had feelings for me that were stronger than just friendship”, but how much stronger than friendship were her feelings for you, maybe just a bit stronger?  You were “extremely happy” with her, I don’t know if she was extremely happy with you. My point is, you may have imagined that her subjective experience of you and the connection with you was the same as yours, but it may have been quite different in quality and intensity.

    “But then something happened, and she panicked, got severe anxiety about it all and suddenly it was over before it even began… She found a way to bury her feelings, build some walls and continue on.. the timing is out, she’s just not ready”, “She said she was in a funk. Not ready to commit. The timing was all wrong. And although she was open about how great she thought I’d be for her, she just wasn’t ready”-

    – what does it mean that she “just wasn’t ready”- people say that often when they break up with a person. It suggests that she might be ready later, doesn’t it? So it’s a matter of timing, like you concluded yourself, “the timing is out”. But what if she suffered anxiety regarding her divorce proceedings to come, or her life otherwise, but not so much about you, and she wasn’t attracted to you?

    “Personally I feel she is just protecting me. Not wanting me to wait around”- what if this is your wishful thinking…?

    “I also feel after many chats with her she is scared. Scared she finally has this guy to respect her. Supports her.. And that she’ll lose him or something will go wrong, she hasn’t had much luck with the men..”- what if she is scared about her life/ her future and she is not attracted to you, the man who respects and supports her. What if she is attracted to men who.. don’t respect and support her?

    “I was sure we were on the same path. But it seems we are not. I don’t want to settle for just friends. My feelings are too strong. So I walked away. No contact. Giving space”- indeed the two of you were not on the same path, but how different were your two paths as far as subjective experiences go? If you perceive her path as it really is and has been, you will be better equipped as you move forward: hope or give up hope, give her space for a while or let her go.

    I wonder, if you asked her these things, if she would answer you truthfully. Often, when people break up, they want to protect the rejected person’s feelings and to avoid the rejected person’s anger, so they say things that are not true. The result sometimes is that the rejected person keeps hoping and doesn’t move on, leading to continued and ongoing suffering.

    It is also possible that she felt very strongly for you, as a boyfriend, romantically and physically, and then she got scared, as you suspected.. ask her, when you get the chance, make sure that your assumption is true before you continue to invest in this assumption in one way or another.

    anita

     

    #362962
    Nath
    Participant

    Hi Tim.

    Thankyou for your awesome response. I needed to read that mate.

    Yes ive had to turn to a few people for their thoughts or advice. Not normally me, but this has been a little overwhelming.

    I think because she was a constant in my life, and now it’s gone.

    Ive taken note of everything you wrote mate, and yes, I’m just finding ways to move forward.

    Thankyou again mate.

    #363137
    Tim
    Participant

    Hi Nath,

    Anytime! It can be a lonely time for us men in comparison to women who have several people to talk to lean on. So if you need any other help/an ear to bend let me know.

    Good Luck mate!

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