Dear Peace:

I will talk only about your current two months relationship in this post, not about the marriage offer that you received (one topic at a time):

You are almost 25. Two months ago you met a 29 year old man  with”unfinished work from last marriage”. His unfinished work includes, but is not limited to,  spending 80% of his monthly income on the purchase of a house for his son and the mother of his son: “he told me from start he can marry me after 1-1.5 years because there are few things he needs to do.. For example, buying a house for his child and ex… which he is paying installment every month”.

You work, pay for your apartment and all your expenses, and you have a proper visa. He works full time, uses only 20% of his income for his expenses, has a lesser visa than you, lives with your best friend as a roommate, and stays in your apartment during the weekends.

You’ve been worried that your best friend who is your boyfriend’s roommate suspects that he spends those nights with you, and you are ashamed because your best friend believes that  “better to do something legal way.. as in our society living relationships are.. not acceptable”. So you’ve been keeping the relationship or the nature of the relationship a secret from everyone: “Whenever I think about my family and how my best friend must be thinking about me disturb my mental peace.. I’m done lying to all for hiding this relationship”.

You came up with a solution: if he marries you without a ceremony, then your family and best friend will know that you are married, and therefore they will approve of him spending the nights with him. So you offered him to secretly marry (have a legally binding marriage contract, but no ceremony), and move in together to your apartment. He refused: “he rejected my offer by saying that he don’t want to get married before 2 years… He’ll face problems from ex etc”, “he said he doesn’t want to do any marriage before 2 years, and that he has issues of previous marriage which he needs to finish first”.

My input:

Possibility #1: the issue of his previous marriage that he needs to finish first, may be that it is not “a previous marriage”, but a current, ongoing marriage. Maybe he is living away from her, in another country, on a visa, simply for the purpose of making money and sending it to her, so to pay for a house that he intends to go back to and live with her and their son later. It may be that he figures that he needs to work for up to 2 years before he is able  to make enough payments for the purchase of the house.

Possibility #2: the issue of his previous marriage that he needs to finish first may be that he intends to divorce his wife but hasn’t done it yet, and she doesn’t know that he intends to divorce her. He can’t marry you because he is still legally married to her, and he needs to keep his relationship with you a secret from her, because she doesn’t know that he intends to divorce her. He figures if she knows that he has a relationship with you, “he’ll face problems from ex” (only she is not an ex, and has no idea that he refers to her as an ex).

More input:  he spends 80% of his income on his (current or ex) wife and son. He intends to do that for 2 years. If his story is true and he divorced her, and intends to marry you in two years,  than you are still in a disadvantaged situation financially because after the two year of you waiting for him, and after he succeeds to purchase the house for his son’s mother and his son, I assume he will keep sending them money every month for living expenses.

* If I was you, I would demand proof that he is divorced. I doubt that he is.

What do you think?

anita