July 28, 2020 at 1:00 pm #363014
I got a little problem.. Just need your opinion on that.. Me and my bf ( we are in relationship from last two months) we got into the relationship very quickly, mostly because he was rushing things and i was the one who dint want to be into it so soon but with his efforts i rushed it too…
(So little background that how we met) .. He is my best friends roommate.. Once he saw me outside with my best friend ( his roommate) i was wearing our cultural dress on that because it was a holy festival… He saw me and asked abt me to my best friend… And showed interest of marrying me (, as he is divorced drom past one year and has one 7 year old son (btw i m totally okey with this) My best friend gradually talkwd to me nd i refused to have any contact wd him because i dint want to date anyone.. But thn i agreed…
So our contact started thn..
Our relationship was good from beginning i wouldnt say perfect because i had one issue wd him and i would always discuss and i got upset too 4-5 times because of that.. He had intension of marrying me.. He started including me in his present and planning about things.. Talking about future… Etc etc…he told me from start that he can to marry me after 1-1.5 years because before that there are few things he needs to do .. For example buying a house for his child and ex… Which he is paying installment every month..
It was going good until my family brought for me a marriage proposal from family friend… The guy is one of my good friend.my whole family likes him he is studying abroad..family very short family, the elder brother of his is my sis fiance.. They are marrying this year. And i had no idea what to do… I talkd to him he said he needs time..if he does any thing now he ll face alot of problem from his ex family etc.. But he said if i want he can talk to my sister about the situation… So That they wait… I felt better what he said…
Weeks passed as he is roommate of my best friend he knows when my bf doesnt come home… On weekends we spend time together he stays wd me… But i started feeling strange from my best friend that what will he be thinking about us etc when he stays at my place. Actually my best friend wants that if we like each other and understand each other its better to do something legal way… As in our society living relationship are verboten and not acceptable…he had a point..
My bf is ready for a living relationship, he was planning for a 5 days vacation wd me, he is ready to spend his weekends and all time wd me… So i gave him a offer that lets move in to a apartment and live together but he has to do with me a marriage contract..my family and his one sis and somw of our close friend will be aware of it. We can held ceremony later… In that case i dont feel ashamed in front of my best friend nd friends… And also i ll be free from my family pressure( as its torturing me :() as i m turning 25.. But he rejected my offer by saying that he don’t want to get marry before 2 years etc…. He ll face problems from ex etc… We don’t knw each other from a month or so and why i am so rushing things……. (btw he was right but i dont knw how to solve this mess then) i m just frustrated…
Whenever i think about my family nd how my best friend must be thinking about me disturb my mental peace.. I m done lying to all for hiding this relationship…
After this conversation he said we should knw each other…u should also take Time think before marriage… Etc… And i said i dont understand… We rushed everything u come to me for even staying after coming so close u r asking me to think about you? I don’t get you….
I don’t know anita whats happening… I was never like this asking a guy for marrying me so soon… I used to be the one who used to reject guys even they wanted to marry me… I feel like i lost my worth in this relationship…from yesterday i m just in silent mode… I asked him to leave me alone for some days… Nd refused to meet him… Cancelled our vacation… I want to fix my self… I want to bring back my value and not fall for him or this relationship madly… I want to be the old me who is in charge… Nd not begging or offering bf for being wd me…July 28, 2020 at 2:10 pm #363025
This man, your two month boyfriend has unfinished business that he needs to conclude, so he told you, in other words, before he can marry you: he has to buy a home for his ex wife and child, and that will take him two years. You just met this man two months ago- very recently. You don’t owe him to be in a relationship with him, and you don’t owe your friend (his roommate) to be in a relationship with him, and you don’t owe either one to wait 2 years so that he will marry you. It is your life, your body, your heart and mind- not this man’s and not your friend’s.
What do you want to do?
anitaJuly 28, 2020 at 2:19 pm #363027
Thank you for your response.. Yes he told me he needs time from me almost 1 year and 1.5 so that his ex issues finishes thn he can go ahead with me officially…
I dint get your these lines completely…
You don’t owe him to be in a relationship with him, and you don’t owe your friend (his roommate) to be in a relationship with him,July 28, 2020 at 2:29 pm #363032
I am not as focused now as I would like to be. I could re-read your original post later when I am focused or you can try to explain to me more clearly, in your next post, the exact nature of your dilemma: what are the options in front of you, from which you need to choose (or what exactly is it that you are asking me)?
anitaJuly 28, 2020 at 9:53 pm #363083
All i m asking from you is that how to solve this mess.. What do u think what should i be doing..
My bf (29) of 2 months, who needs time to (almost one year) to finish his unfinished work from last marriage…so that he can marry me or talk to my family… Before that he cant.
Me (24) on the other hand being asked by family to accept our family friends son, who is one of my good friend andwhose brother is also my sis’s Fiance.
I have no idea what to say my family… And should i accept or reject him.. Because my 2 months of bf is not ready to take a stand so soon..and want me to wait. What if my relationship doesn’t work… After a year..
The third thing which is stressing me is that he is my best friend’s room mate.. And when my bf stays at my place i start to think how will he be thinking about me.
I m very upset with my bf because i dint ask him for anything. I m independent, financially independent, having my own apartment, doing my studies, doing job, having my own visa…
Even with my visa i can sponsor him as he doesnt have proper visa.he works full time and his 80 % salary goes for installment of the house which he is buying… I m willing to help him in every way whenever he needs me…
Sometimes i feel he just listens me but doesn’t understand me….July 28, 2020 at 10:02 pm #363084
I felt very disappointed when i asked him for doing a marriage contract without ceremony and he said he doesn’t want to do any marriage before 2 years.and that he has issues of previous marriage which he needs to finish first..
He wants to spend his most of the time with me, plans for everything, ready to move in wd me, going for outing with me, but when asked for a contract..he gave priority to that house nd the issues he will be facing.. I feel like i m asking alot from him so early in relationship. Which is ruining and creating conflicts between two of us alot…and destroying this thing.. (And doing marriage contract was very emotional decision, even i would have done that earlier but felt very odd)
But we spend alot of time togather.. It doesnt feel we are in beginning of it…July 28, 2020 at 11:24 pm #363091NoorParticipant
After reading your post, it seems a lot of your worries and fears stem from this “what if” factor.
Your relationship of two months sounds like it has no other major issues, although you did type that you feel he listens but does not understand you…could you please expand on that? The main issue right now is that your boyfriend not willing to commit to marriage because for him it is too soon, is that correct? From his perspective, it seems he is still trying to solve things related to his ex and his kid and he is clearly communicating with you that he will not be ready to commit to marriage until at least 1 to 2 years. He is thinking about what he wants as he should because he has every right to do so and so far it seems he is being honest with you from the very start (although I do not know enough about him to make a concrete conclusion about if he is an honest or dishonest person). I can understand that you are hurt because he is not making the commitment of marriage to you but from his viewpoint, two months is very fast to commit to a lifetime. Regardless of how great the time you are both spending right now is or how often it could simply be the honeymoon phase and it would be wise for the relationship to progress more before making such a commitment.
“Even with my visa i can sponsor him as he doesnt have proper visa.he works full time and his 80 % salary goes for installment of the house which he is buying… I m willing to help him in every way whenever he needs me…” I actually feel it is good that he is not marrying you for such purposes, because otherwise, you will never know if he is marrying you because he truly loves you or because of visa or since you can help him with house installments.
Now, the other guy is the one your family feels you should marry. He is a family friend, also the brother of your sister’s husband and it seems you also know him fairly well as you wrote he is one of your good friends. This family friend is ready to marry you but that could also be because he too is feeling pressure from his family ( I am not 100% and you can write more details if you wish). You could marry this person immediately but you will also never know how long or how good that marriage will be because that is also a “what if” since although he is your good friend, you do not know him from a romantic/intimate aspect. People can treat and react very differently when they are with their girlfriend/boyfriend compared to when they are just with a friend.
In both scenarios, it seems you will be taking a risk. On the one hand, you have a current relationship which is currently facing a lot of problems because you are both not on the same page, on the other hand, there is this family friend who you can marry right away. The choice is really up to you.
You could continue dating your current boyfriend for a few months and see how it goes, I know you don’t want to wait a year but if the relationship cannot even survive one year then marriage is really out of the equation. Or you can simply marry your family friend and hope that relationship is strong enough to survive the lifetime commitment of marriage.
At this moment Peace, what is it that you feel the most comfortable doing? Do not think of this situation from your boyfriend, or your family friend, or your family, or your best friend’s perspective but simply yours. At the end of the day, it will be you that has to live your life and you need to be at peace with your decision. Unfortunately, there is no way as of right now for me to really tell you what the right decision is because the “what ifs” are never going to end. Sometimes in life, we learn from experience, some good and some unfortunately bad, but what matters is going with your gut feeling. Family pressure can be a lot of stress on your mental health but I highly encourage you to not make a decision simply because of your family, family is indeed very important but again, at the end of the day, it is you that will be living with the decision you make.
NoorJuly 29, 2020 at 8:37 am #363113
I will talk only about your current two months relationship in this post, not about the marriage offer that you received (one topic at a time):
You are almost 25. Two months ago you met a 29 year old man with”unfinished work from last marriage”. His unfinished work includes, but is not limited to, spending 80% of his monthly income on the purchase of a house for his son and the mother of his son: “he told me from start he can marry me after 1-1.5 years because there are few things he needs to do.. For example, buying a house for his child and ex… which he is paying installment every month”.
You work, pay for your apartment and all your expenses, and you have a proper visa. He works full time, uses only 20% of his income for his expenses, has a lesser visa than you, lives with your best friend as a roommate, and stays in your apartment during the weekends.
You’ve been worried that your best friend who is your boyfriend’s roommate suspects that he spends those nights with you, and you are ashamed because your best friend believes that “better to do something legal way.. as in our society living relationships are.. not acceptable”. So you’ve been keeping the relationship or the nature of the relationship a secret from everyone: “Whenever I think about my family and how my best friend must be thinking about me disturb my mental peace.. I’m done lying to all for hiding this relationship”.
You came up with a solution: if he marries you without a ceremony, then your family and best friend will know that you are married, and therefore they will approve of him spending the nights with him. So you offered him to secretly marry (have a legally binding marriage contract, but no ceremony), and move in together to your apartment. He refused: “he rejected my offer by saying that he don’t want to get married before 2 years… He’ll face problems from ex etc”, “he said he doesn’t want to do any marriage before 2 years, and that he has issues of previous marriage which he needs to finish first”.
Possibility #1: the issue of his previous marriage that he needs to finish first, may be that it is not “a previous marriage”, but a current, ongoing marriage. Maybe he is living away from her, in another country, on a visa, simply for the purpose of making money and sending it to her, so to pay for a house that he intends to go back to and live with her and their son later. It may be that he figures that he needs to work for up to 2 years before he is able to make enough payments for the purchase of the house.
Possibility #2: the issue of his previous marriage that he needs to finish first may be that he intends to divorce his wife but hasn’t done it yet, and she doesn’t know that he intends to divorce her. He can’t marry you because he is still legally married to her, and he needs to keep his relationship with you a secret from her, because she doesn’t know that he intends to divorce her. He figures if she knows that he has a relationship with you, “he’ll face problems from ex” (only she is not an ex, and has no idea that he refers to her as an ex).
More input: he spends 80% of his income on his (current or ex) wife and son. He intends to do that for 2 years. If his story is true and he divorced her, and intends to marry you in two years, than you are still in a disadvantaged situation financially because after the two year of you waiting for him, and after he succeeds to purchase the house for his son’s mother and his son, I assume he will keep sending them money every month for living expenses.
* If I was you, I would demand proof that he is divorced. I doubt that he is.
What do you think?
anitaJuly 29, 2020 at 9:01 am #363120
- Dear Anita and Noor
I m 100% sure that he has given divorced because i heard him on call with his sis and also my best friend show me proof of his divorce before our dating…
A small update.
As i was very Messed up from last few days thinking about whole situation… I wasnt talking to him alot… Yesterday we talked on call and i told him the reason of my being upset… Then he wrote me, “if u are so tensed about me and being pressurised by ur family about other proposal, thn its better if u dont upset ur family for me…if you are in my luck ee will definitely meet”
I was so devastated… That he selected this option for me.. I wrote him back ( emotionally) “i dint know you will give up on me so easily and i dont believe in luck that much but incase if you are in my luck i dont want u to come again in my life because i dont want to be wd smbdy who can give up on me in the name of luck or situation… And i told him i m not going to contact him ” nd i told him that” i might block you not because ii m upset wd you but because i want to forget you.. Good luck…”
I don’t knw if i wrote smthing wrong or not but thn he texted me” Wow Thank you so much ”
Did i messed up with my reaction to his text…
July 29, 2020 at 9:03 am #363121
- This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by Peace.
Sending them money for living expenses isn’t alot it might be 8%-10% of his salary.. Nd i m okey wd thatJuly 29, 2020 at 9:15 am #363124
Even if he is really divorced, and even if after two years he will be sending only 10% of his salary to his son’s mother, then a relationship and marriage with him still does not read to me like a good deal for you. I don’t see the attraction there- you mentioned nothing that expresses to me that there has been a special connection between you and him.
What I did notice is that you had him overnight in your apartment too soon, sooner than two months of knowing about him. The physical relationship happened too soon, and that’s not good for you.
I feel no pain over the latest event of what may be a breakup between you and him. I feel sorry that you are upset, but not that this short, senseless relationship is over.