Forum Replies Created
April 9, 2021 at 1:25 pm #377419
dear Anita and Teak ,
thank you ..you too take care of yourself …
will be in touch 🙂April 6, 2021 at 11:48 am #377291
Dear Teak and Anita ,
thank you for your thoughts about my this 32 year old flatmate.. i stopped talking to him and i m feeling lighter in (Peace) and less disturb as i was before .unfortunately i dint choose him as my flatemate i m moving out and going back to my country to visit my mom and hopfully in my next flat (in end of june) wont be sharing .
i want to share something which he said to me and that disturb me for days .. when he was mad at me ,he said once, He cares for me alot but he doesnt see the same care from me toward him and he believes in “Karma” ,he than said , Maybe one day you will meet someone who you will care alot and he wont care about you at all .. ( i felt bad and scared and guilty ) his these lines scared me but later i start thinking : if karma will hit me back because he cares for me and i dont ,than why was i suffering in past and unhappy in childhood whose karma was hitting me all those time, even i didnt hurt anyone back than .
thank you for recommending me the book ” Running on Empty” i have started reading it (as i m free after exams for a week) and i m finding it very interesting .as i can relate it alot..but what i feel after reading 95 pages out of 240 pages that my parents wasnt there emotionally for me .. i could relate to some stories like i never showed my school diary to my parents ,siblings nor any of my family …i dint get that emotional part of me in childhood ..it is a very good book i m gonna read it full and follow it, so that i can give my inner child (me) that emotional (love )support which she was missing and overcome that emotional neglect.
my now (ex) bf continuously trying to guilt tripp me but Fortunately i m not falling for it now and i m not Guilty ..
thank you Anita and Teak to letting me know that its okey to choose myself and my Peace without being guilty or feeling wrong ..
as Teak wrote: “You are not guilty for not liking and not accommodating to selfish people who’d try to use you this or that way. You have the right to dislike them and to protect yourself and separate yourself from them, both physically and emotionally. ”
i agree ..thats what i learnt from our conversations: if my mental health or myself get disturbed by someone or their actions , its okey to walk away without feeling guilty ..i m going to keep it very simple from now onwards by setting some boundaries .
PeaceApril 4, 2021 at 2:59 pm #377219
No anita..i dint have sex, or kissed or hugged him ever.. But i feel i should have distanced myself t, when he first proposed me…April 4, 2021 at 1:42 pm #377205
dear Anita ,
i was reading about “Guilt Tripping” and you are right , he was using this to make me feel bad so that i start the relation with him.. to be honest it is very disturbing experience ..
i dont know if i should write here about a flatmate 32, who is now a good and close friend of mine ( we are working at same place ).he is very sincere, honest ,helpful (helped me everytime even without asking fot it ,cares for me etc).who likes me and loves me and proposed me , which i rejected by saying that ” i like him (as a friend) but i have different caste and i love somebody else( my ex) ” and he knew that because i used to talk to my now (ex) bf ..
things got better for sometime after the rejection, but now turning very ugly and complicated from last month ..he cant sleep ,as a friend i asked him several times so he told me because his family want him to get marry and he is unhappy about it ..and then he told me ,he cant sleep because he thinks about me all the time.( i was feeling very bad).but still he wants to care about me ,do things for me ( which i dont like and i m just frustrated now ) and make me realize again and again that he loves me etc.. he propose me alot of time ..even when his family was searching for a girl he was taking sleeping pills …i talked to him and said u dont need to marry if u are not ready..he told me ,the only solution of his problem is “Me”,and if i marry him or run away ..i took this as a joke (lightly )
again he asked me , “run away with me “…”lets do court marriage and dont tell your family (no one will know ) i rejected ” and was confused …even though he knew i like/love someone ( he knows nothing about my breakup ,because i dint want to give him any false hope that i m single ) but still asking me such things … asked me alot of time about moving in togather ,even he knows i have bf and as a society we are not allowed to live alone in an apartment..
i decided to leave job because i wanted to have some distance so that he can see me less and move on with his life ..i got new one easily so i told him, he wasnt happy about that .. he applied for same job and got rejected and applied again and than got accepted ..but later he was calling me Selfish ,and the person who does what best for me ,and he stated that i dont think about him…
before 3 days i was just talking to him casually about “Life in Abroad ” that i want to have good health ,study and financial situation during living here because these are very important ,if any one is missing ,you will get disturb here(Germany) as a Student , and he again said , I can provide you all these things…
i felt angry …and frustrated ..because i have been rejecting but again and again the same topic .and whenever i try to stay away, he is always there ..
he made me feel very bad by saying he cares about me, but i dont, and i do everything ,what is good for me and that i only think about myself and he is only one who cares .
he gets angry and rude sometimes and
last week he acted like he is my husband …i went to see a friend two days before and my ex started using emotional tripping …as i reached home i went to my room ( i was very sad ) ..thn this friend (flatmate) called me and was blaming me that why i dint knock his room to say” Hallo “(after arriving) and was telling me that he was making whole day for me a desert ,which i like but u dint even say me “Hi” and he dint eat anything apart from breakfast but i dint ask him ,if he has eaten anything ….i felt awkward .i told him” as i dint know who should i please and whose expectation should i fullfill etc “…. and i stopped talking to him …As i cant take this “Good friend game ” anymore ..i feel like i m emotionally drained for being blamed ..as if i m the reason if my (ex) is sad and ruining his life and i m also the reason of this friends(flatmate ) sleepless nights..
i just wanna go far away from him ..i searched a new accomodation for me and he wants to shift there too…its getting very messy seriously..i cant ignore him as long as i m living in same apartment and doing same job…
i know i have done few mistake by dealing with him..but Anita , is he also using Guilt tripping?? ,when he start making me realize that choosing a different job is a selfish act and he wouldnt have done that,or by saying he cares for me but i dont and he took hours to make a desert for me but i couldnt ask him if he has eaten something as a courtesy or by saying “Hi” ??? or he cant sleep nights because he thinks about me all the time ….or he will marry anyone who his family will choose ,without saying anything,or he left everything on God ,but than again asking me if i should run away with him and much more…
April 3, 2021 at 11:26 am #377141
- This reply was modified 1 week ago by Peace.
thank you so much for reading my all those long post and trying to know my situation better.
as you asked : I can imagine you didn’t feel important enough to even bother your mother (or your father) with your problems, did you? You didn’t feel seen and you didn’t feel worthy to be seen either. And this is why you prayed to God to die, it was so unbearable for you.
i dont remember going to my mom and telling her my problems ..all the bullying, or teasing from anyone ..i actually couldn’t communicate..i remember when i was very sensitive ..for example :if someone asked me about anything ,my eyes would just fill full of tears …
Actually i feel you are right here “so you’re looking for a man to be there for you. But until you learn to be there for yourself and soothe yourself, no one will be able to give it from the outside.” i feel there was a lacking in my childhood ,i dint recieve enough affection ,love ,being seen or heard in my childhood thats why i craved for these things automatically i got attracted when someone showed love ,respect toward me ..and i couldnt help myself ,without having any experience i started pleasing those people who showed me abit of love ..
i dont know how/where to find a counselor for my trauma’s ,if i can find someone here in germany who i can afford.. but i want to be whole .and thats why i m just trying to love myself and push myself,motivating my self.. i think i have learnt alot from my experiences but there is more to learn …April 3, 2021 at 10:29 am #377122
dear Anita ,
Sorry ..as i had exams i couldnt write back sooner.
“The current long-distance man who you are afraid to hurt… let him go. He is not your son- someone you are responsible for, he is not your responsibility, and he is not your solution or salvation.“
actually i let him go before my exams (2 -3 weeks before)…i told him that i m turned off and i m not feeling those feelings anymore ..it was very awkward ..i was weeping he was weeping ..he said he wants to send proposal now..but i denied as i wasnt feeling anything ..i consider him a good person .i like him but not in romantic way anymore ..
but he is putting very emotional status after the breakup and yesterday he was blaming me for everything ..he was asking me “why did i do this to him ??” and he admits that he was irresponsible but how can i lose all feelings for him and pretend as if nothing happened in these 2 months?? .. saying very emotional stuff like” i ruined his life but he wants to see me happy “and putting emotional stories on whatsapp ..telling me he cant stop crying ,he is very depressed ,everyone can see that , his mom is sad by knowing that he is very upset even yesterday he texted me by saying that his ex gf texted him and said him not to put such status… i asked him but why is he telling me all these stuff.??. or sending me picture of his hand while being injured at work ..i was feeling sad and disturb during exams with all these things .but from yesterday i m trying not to be much effected by this emotional stuff. i feel like he is exaggerrating things now . yes i understand its very difficult and he must be going through a painful phase ..i was hurting too but how did i ruin his life ? i dint ..yes i was there and he was happy because i was the one who was there for him emotionally,financially ,as friend and as a lover for him in every way …talking to him such stuff.. i helped him financially ,even i m not asking for those money from him nor i have any intention in future to ask about them but again why is he making me feel bad as if i took his advantage in this long distance …
as you wrote :
“Your responsibility, your solution/ salvation is the exams in front of you, the education you need to complete, the career ahead of you!”
this line really touched me and i understood it fully and i was giving my 100% and now i m trying even harder to make a good career ..
you also suggested me ,as you wrote : “I would like you to make choices that will prevent you from suffering even more than you have so far”.
i understand from it that you are pointing my study and career ..or is there anything else in which i should make better choices ?? so that i dont suffer much in future..
peaceMarch 21, 2021 at 2:58 pm #376381
have some good rest
peaceMarch 21, 2021 at 1:17 pm #376377
Where was your brother in this whole picture? Was he old enough to be a positive influence on you, or he joined your cousins in mocking you?
my brother was also young and very busy in his own life ,like going out with friends ,he had different school, i remember once he took stand for me when some neighbours boys making fun/bullying me (my nose) ..i used to think i m very ugly in childhood and used to cry for that ..but now i dont think i m ugly but” i feel i m beautiful” and many people said i m beautiful.March 21, 2021 at 12:56 pm #376374
dear Anita and Teak,
thank you so much for your posts ..i was reading and rereading them from last few days( because of my exams couldnt reply immediately ),and rethinking about all the situation in my childhood and most importantly this “Virgin” topic and those all unpleasant past (relationship) which disturbed me for long time and from last years i was working on my self because this topic”Virgin” makes me feel very worthless, insecure and the thoughts start coming “no men will ever accept me and many more” and” i should better compromise and marry any one who is ready for me ” but then i think “No i am more than “a piece of hymen ” and not a piece of meat to be with someone (who can just have sex in the name of marriage)”..may be i cant describe those negative feelings and thoughts which comes in my mind ..
As anita asked:
“she protected you from the bone in the fish, but she did not protect you from.. anything or anyone else, did she?
You did not share a single word that she ever told you.”
So yes Anita , you reconized correctly ..my mom is a very quiet person .we dint talk much.i dont remmenber her talking to me or her guiding me because she doesnt talk much.when i was a child she was very busy doing houshold or going out to buy things for siblings or taking guests to hospitals (who came from village ).i remember i used to come from school at 5pm and she wasnt there at home ..or many times i was left at home with my siblings who would tease me .one insulting than the other by beating or slapping .may be she did but i dont remmember anything even we dont talk much now i call home to talk to her we just ask “how are you?” , “what are you doing ?” “what did u cook?” but i miss her and care for her alot..we cant talk more 2 mints ..
“What about your mother? How did she react to this cousin harassing you and telling you to stay at home?”
i dint tell her i dint tell anyone .i was scared that may be i m wrong to go out..and i was scared that if i tell my elder sisters they would never support me . they will say i was wrong because in my culture no matter what , “elders are always right ” like my cousin who asked me to stay home.i also experienced sexual abuse from a men who lives near to my area but i never had this gut to share with them ..AND most interestingly when i first got my periods ,i had no idea about that ,i was confused and scared ..during this time , my sister called me i was very afraid to go to her..i thought may be i did something horrible thats why i m bleeding and even though i knew i did nothing but i was scared that no one believe me.
i dint share anything to anyone because no one was ready or interested to talk to a child .i dint share what was happening in school.if i got slapped by any cousin i would just say nothing and go with teary eyes in a corner to weep..while writing now i cant stop my tears by remembering all those things again..
March 19, 2021 at 8:04 am #376283
- This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by Peace.
Does it mean you were criticized by your siblings and it is because of that, that you felt unwanted? Or your parents criticized you too?
actually yes they criticized me in fun way which hurted me ..unfortunately our elders or us dont know a child want emotional,love or appreciation so they did it .my parents never criticized me ..my other siblings were actually jealous because my mom loves me alot..
I don’t quite understand how that looked like – you were sitting in her lap and used her hands to feed yourself? It’s something she made you do?
actually it was more like she used to feed me with her hands ,i dont remember exactly if i used to sit on her lap or beside her while eating food.specially if she cooked/fried fish..she was afraid if mistakely eat the bone of it..
Whose attention did you crave the most?
i wanted my siblings attention ,cousins or some guests..
out side of home i got scared very easily, dint have much confident , very quite , scared of being judge in school ..after 5th standard i started becoming better in studies ,gained some confidence but deep inside ,i was very scared …March 19, 2021 at 7:52 am #376282
Dear ANITA and Teak,
“How did it feel, to be alone in Europe??”
I felt good i felt like a bird ..i felt happy, free ,full of potential ..thats because i could go out without having to worry about “those eyes of men which used to gaze me ” ,or passing sexual comment ,being harrassed ,not to care what my older relative say about my cloths (normal jean and shirt which is also not allowed to wear )..
“how did you manage financially, not having a family back in India that was able to financially support you???”
To answer this i want to tell a small background ,a turning point of our family , Power of a thought / Power of Education and most importantly How our culture or caste played a important role here ..
as i wrote earlier :
“I felt like an unwanted child or were treated in that way from my siblings,i m sure they loved me alot but in my society ( generally) its easy to criticise than show love /appreciation.So they (My Siblings)were mostly not aware to show me that”
My Dad wanted us all to be educated even when he couldnt afford to buy books for us sometimes ..but he managed and my elder sis went till uni ( was doing her Master ) when my dad was sick or even before that when we were facing financial problems my sister started financially supporting us by giving tuition classes or doing teaching ..Our days started being better when all my elder sister giving tuition classes or teaching in school along with completing their own Studies .they were not only arranging their own expenses but also supporting younger siblings like me .we were not that much broke .our circumtances started to improve but after dads sickness we were again struggling emotionally ,mentally after learning that there is no treatment (at that time) .
So they started saving for their marriage ,in my culture we love to keep Gold ,so they started making Gold for their own marriage by their savings .. And in my culture unlike other cultures Girls dont pay Dowry but it was opposite ..in our culture a men need to arrange a house (Furniture) before marrying ,he has to give Gold as gift, 20-25 dresses , and must take all the expense of food for the guests of bride family ..Girls are not burden to their family in my culture but for that society somehow they think only son can become the support of the family .thats the mentality .. they were getting married as they were educated ,beautiful without any financial problem with their own approval without pressure ..
my sis was spending more money on our (my and other siblings) Education .she wanted us to have a good career .and when i was in college she decided she will send me abroad for studies…she sold her Savings (Gold ) and also my other sister contributed with their Savings , taking loans.. as i landed here i had enough blocked money for my first year so i started working here ,doing Student jobs waitress, working in backery, or production companies ( as i learnt German language and i am advanced in it ,i started getting better jobs ) so i finance myself and sometimes my family by sending money to my mom or sis but she doesnt want me to do that ..
thats why i wrote there
“i m sure they loved me alot but in my society ( generally) its easy to criticise than show love /appreciation.So they (My Siblings)were mostly not aware to show me that”
So i work here and finance my self ..in my uni break i try to work full time and during semester i work part time and do some Savings …
Turning Point of our Life was, after these years of Struggle of my family and specially my mom , dad and my eldest sis .Today we are far better than financially other relatives ,or cousins . they respect us alot .my all sis got married.
.My cousin who dint like my face when i was child ,used to insult me ,he is very sweet to me now ,when i go to my country he comes specially to meet me ,if i just desire to go for a picnic, he would ask me again and again,if i wanna go there and his Auto is ready to take me and my family for picnic .where.( in my childhood i saw him insulting my mom or me for sitting in his vehicle or we dint get any seat ) i absorbed all those things ,i was very sensitive in my childhood..my mom’s cousin who dint offer tea to me ,when i go to her, she becomes happy to see me now and insist me to come to her ..shedoesnt hide tea now ,she makes specially for me ..this is how money changes behaviour of others ..
and one of my brother in Law ,who said me when i was 13_14 that we( daughters ) and our educaation are responsible of my dad’s Alzheimer disease..i was hurt on that day alot…but Guess what he is so good to me now..
and in this locked down ,that was my family (my other sis ) who were trying to financially support my those cousins ,who would always looked down on us..
i dont know why i have this feeling of “Guilt” inside me ,and i have no idea but thats what i decided when i was young..i decided if i will be in place of these people who are mistreating me based on my family circumtances or because i m Girl i will never do ,what i m experiencing ,i will never let any one to go through the “hurt” , “discrimination” which i saw in childhood .poor or rich ,black or white specially to childerns …
in this current situation of bf ,i felt guilty because i saw him financially broke and dint want to hurt him in this situation, again i dint want to be one of that person ( people mistreating me for being poor) ..so i assumed what if the feelings are fading because he is financially broke now and like some girls ,Money attracts a person ..( what if i m a Gold Digger).. i feel guilty of leaving/losing (feelings) him in the situation where he is already facing alot of other problems..March 18, 2021 at 3:29 pm #376269
Dear Anita and Teak,
“I think that you feel that you are wrong in this case, feeling guilty- not because you did anything wrong, not because you really are guilty in context of this man- but because when you were a child, you felt unloved, so you figured that you must have done something wrong. And when your cousin or cousins locked you in the home, you probably felt that you must have done something wrong to be locked in. Do you remember?”
I have a big family with 9 siblings and i m yhe youngest one in my family.. I felt like an unwanted child or were treated in that way from my siblings,i m sure they loved me alot but in my society ( generally) its easy to criticise than show love /appreciation.So they were mostly not aware to show me that.. I used to be very unhappy, hurt, scared from cousins ( as we were poor, my cousins were very rude to me / my siblings as compared to other cousins). it was more like “Taboo”to talk or do what you really wanted to do in that society .Saying” No” to a
an elder person or correct them just because they are wrong about something shows disrespect so in order to be appreciated you have to do all other are expecting from you to do.. In my case i was seeking attention, appreciation,(may be) because never got some. .
I got very hurted when I saw being differentiated just because my father wasn’t earning much or we were very financially broke.. For example : My mom cousin offering a cup of tea to my other cousin but not to me. Or even if i asked the reply would be there is no tea..
Being insulted for no reason, scolded from others, or my cousin saying me : “don’t show me your face whenever i see your face i start getting angry, he hates my face”..
About my Parents:
mom,she is the most sweetest mom in the world she loved/loves me the most and treated me like a princess to her when i was near her. She made me eat with her hands i would sleep next to her in her arms even when i was 12 years old… But i was always beside her.. Or lay in her lap during day..
Unfortunately i dont have much such memories of my dad or my conversation with my dad.. When i was 17 my dad passed away he was suffering from Alzheimer. When i was nearly 9-10 years old he first showed some symptoms of dementia.. He was very quite, peaceful and most respected men, wanted his daughters to study, responsible .he used to work whole day nd come in the evening, we dint chat much i used to play. . I have 9 siblings in which we are 8 sisters and 1 brother. (in my society) sons are very appreciated and given respect compared to daughters (girls) but my dad never differentiated in such way he invested same money for my sisters nd my brother..but yes he was very strict to my brother as my brother wasn’t interested in studies, sometimes he would beat him but he never raised his hand for us(daughters). He would always ask my sister approval/opinion before getting her married or accepting the proposal (when a good proposal used to come) we were not burden in his eyes..
But the Society was concern for us for no reason.. That was funny.. My mom cousin she just wanted us to get marry whenever a proposal came but my family is very picky…March 15, 2021 at 12:35 pm #376138
thank you so much for your reply ..
as u wrote “to not hurt this man’s feelings, you will have to …say and do what he wants you to say and do, for as long as he does? Do you give up who you are and who you want to be so to be who this man wants you to be, for as long as he does? ”
the thing is i cant fake things.i m very bad at hiding things i mean i cant i feel like i m betraying him or lying…i m fully aware which behaviour or affection wont hurt him but i can just do acting and say things which i dont mean…
yesterday in the video call conversation he asked me whats wrong and i couldnt reply .he was hurting i was hurting too..than he asked ,if i m not having feelings for him i said yes … he started crying i was saying :i m really sorry ,i m trying ,i dont know what to do i was saying again n again..i have been trying i started to cry and i couldnt stop in that video call…and i was saying i m really Sorry..he said: take your time and you will be okey till than he will wait and tolerate … i said: ok
In other words, do you sacrifice you/ give up on you, so to not hurt his feelings?
no.i shouldnt be giving up or sacrificing my self if i m nt having love for him or not happy .because he deserve someone who loves him and i deserve to be happy too .if i m not in love with him now ,i wont be myself around him and he wont be happy too ..if he knows i m not happy …
why do i feel as if i m wrong thats why i m unable to feel that love for him?even though it all started with his being careless ..March 15, 2021 at 8:24 am #376121
That’s right… Unfortunately thats me… I cant access my that email anymore i lost passwords… Nor that account…
J was the one who was having alot of relationship one after one and having heartaches but then i started taking time knowing people.. In my current relationship we took more than 1 month just talking casual to know each other without romantic stuff but still ending up like this…
Now my question is what if i m the one who is wrong? Like for my current relationship everything was going great but i turned off…
I m hurting him and i m sorry for that and i m hurting my self…March 15, 2021 at 6:29 am #376116
“I am not saying these three men are the same, because the first sounds pretty scary, while the other two boyfriends seem more normal. But all of them had financial issues and needed your help, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. What do you think?”
the first crazy bf was financially stable but was still living at my place for more than 6 months without contributing for rent ..he used to bring grocery which wasnt much of his part..and when i wanted to break up his real face came out threatening etc..and i became financially broke while he was demanding money from me by saying that i have to pay him his every single penny ,(which he spent on me )..and i wasnt working as he was sick so i needed to take care of him ..go for work ,study take classes while he was sitting all the time in my apartment and playing “pubg game “..i ended up financially broke ,depressed, failed in exams which led to visa problem all in one time but than i took my courage and hope and built myself again so that i never go through the same heartache again.. my worst time but best lesson .
yes i am financially independent as i m working part time as a Student .but i dont earn much and i mostly try to save without spending it anywhere else but if someone is in need i try to help …
.may be thats what attracts these guys are that i wont be ( burden)dependent on them in any way ,and still they can spend good time without investing much (as i dont expect for beautiful expensive gifts from them) ..i dont know ,May be.