Forum Replies Created
September 27, 2023 at 4:55 am #422536
I hope you are fine and doing great.
I apologize for not responding earlier, but I wanted to reach out.I didn’t have much to add, but I just wanted to express my appreciation for your previous advice. Your words have resonated with me, reminding me of how I should handle this situation. At times, when my heart softens or I’m overwhelmed by guilt, I recall your advice to “take away your loyalty from those who manipulated and betrayed you.” This helps me ground myself in reality and find acceptance.
I believe I’m still in a state of denial. There’s a part of me that still feels love and care for my family. However, the flashbacks of what I went through and how I was treated make me feel unworthy. It’s hard to forget that no one was there for me, and I carry a deep sense of emptiness inside. Trusting anyone again seems difficult; I feel sad, disappointed, and betrayed.
Now, they’re arranging a wedding for me, Even though i should be happy but i feel broken .
many regards ,
PeaceSeptember 13, 2023 at 9:38 am #422051
I’ve read your posts carefully and want to thank you for your responses and the time you’ve taken to discuss this with me.
I recently took a short break in the Netherlands over the weekend, so I couldn’t respond right away.
About the statement, “I hope you see that it would be absolutely devastating for you to move back to India and let them ‘take care’ of you,” I believe she didn’t mean it. Instead, she might have said it to express disapproval of my choices or to make me worry /scared such as the threat that they would bycott me. What I’m sure of is that she didn’t actually want me to return because, realistically, there wouldn’t be anyone to support me financially there.
I also agree with your idea that their wish for me to take care of them could be mainly about money. This might be why they’re hesitant about my husband becoming my life partner. They’re concerned that his family’s involvement could create financial issues for them down the road.
“What you need is to move further and further away from them, both financially and emotionally. And stay physically as far away as possible from them.”
That’s precisely what I’m working on right now. I’ve reduced communication with most people and only maintain regular contact with my mom and one sister due to certain arrangements. It does make me feel somewhat isolated, and I find myself doubting the past experiences I’ve had with them, wishing things hadn’t turned out this way.
Although they’ve recently (about three weeks ago) agreed to my marriage, they’re still not willing to talk directly to my mother-in-law. Instead, they’re using me as the go-between for communication. They’ve shared their other requirements with me, and I’ve passed those on. I’ve also provided extra money for my wedding attire and to secure the banquet hall. I’m in charge of organizing my side of the wedding, while my husband’s family handles everything on their end. Our wedding ceremonies are scheduled for this December.
My eldest sister has asked me to cover the cost of her 300 euros worth of tickets to attend my wedding in December. This is unusual because she has contributed to the weddings of our other siblings in the past, and she spent a considerable sum for my brother’s wedding. Being the youngest, I’m handling every aspect, not just financially but also in terms of effort. I don’t expect others to contribute, but I also don’t want someone to add to my financial burden by asking me to pay for their tickets. It’s a bit uncomfortable.September 5, 2023 at 6:13 pm #421843
“I expect they won’t like it and will try to blame you and guilt trip you, portraying you as a selfish person. But please know that it’s not true – you are a good, honest person, and they are selfish, manipulative, mean people. So try to stay strong and cut as many ties as possible (first starting with financial ties).”I want to put an end to this ongoing cycle of debt they seem to think I owe them, so they won’t see me as their servant or anything like that in the future.and i already cut ties with them .but they are trying to reconnect .
But as Anita pointed out, and I believe her, this might never really end. Maybe next time if they ask for money, I’ll tell them I’m saving money to pay them back, but besides that, I don’t have any money to spare, or something along those lines.
For the past month, I haven’t sent money for my mom’s expenses because I’m not sure how much her medical bills are. I’ve been sending enough for her treatment and food, and I know my brother uses her money to pay bills. So, I stopped that amount last month, and I feel guilty about it. However, my eldest sister is already there, and she has taken 1000 euros from me. She must be spending some of it on our mom since she always claims to be the one covering the medical bills in front of me and other family members, i don’t know.what would you suggest how should i send my mom expense ? do you think i should wait few months and then send ? i just dont want that my brother take any thing from that money but i also dont want that they leave my mom’s treatment if they think their bills arent being paid?
The funny thing is, I’ve been living alone for seven years, but deep down, I always thought I had a family to support. and that i have people in this world who cares for me and i could rely on .I always had them on my mind. But this situation in my life has made me see them more clearly – they don’t really care. I could have continued spending money like this without realizing my importance in their lives. In their story, I don’t really matter. They’re all busy with their own families, and they only care if I bring up the topic of my marriage at the age of 28. Then, everyone gets anxious, stressed, or ready to leave the house. Their peace is threatened by my getting married. It’s funny in a way, but it’s also heartbreaking for me. Well, it’s been more than a month, and I’m still processing a lot of these harsh realities.September 5, 2023 at 5:52 pm #421842
Dear Anita and Tee,
“– your family is willing to put aside their hate for the color of your husband’s skin for their love of the color of gold… at least until they receive the gold?”
Yes, my family believes that the more money or gold they receive, the happier they’ll be, and they’ll gain more respect in our community. According to my sister, if my husband is from a lower social group, they should give us even more gold and have a lavish traditional wedding to impress everyone. Otherwise, people might make fun of us. The problem is that even my own family is like those people, who care a lot about showing off.
When my mother-in-law agreed to give the requested amount of gold, my sister, to whom I had given money for a bribe, suddenly told me that my husband’s family wasn’t good enough for us. She said that even if they offered us a substantial amount of gold, we wouldn’t agree, and she threatened to cut ties with me if I insisted on marrying my husband. She spoke to me rudely and acted like I had no say in choosing my partner.why was she so confident as if i am scared of being bycotted by them ?what made her think she has that power or right to talk to me in that tone?
Let me explain my sister’s double standards a bit more. Her own husband stopped taking financial responsibility just 2-3 years into their marriage. During her pregnancy, my family paid for all her medical expenses, and she stayed at our home for 6 months because her husband didn’t want to take care of her or their child, as she was the main provider for the family. After 6 months, she reluctantly went back to her husband’s house, which was only a 5-minute walk from ours. I had to help her financially with her job(paying a bribe) and she wants my help with buying a house (but she doesnt have any money for that ,any saving because just 6 months before i contributed for her job)
Despite all this, she treats me poorly and thinks my husband’s family isn’t up to our standards. This pattern is common among my other sisters too, where they end up shouldering all the family expenses while their husbands don’t contribute much. Strangely, they didn’t face these issues when they chose their partners, as the rest of the family supported their choices or arranged the marriage.
Now, when my sisters need something, they seem to expect me to provide it through our eldest sister, who wants to be the family’s main provider to gain respect and admiration from everyone.
I often feel portrayed as foolish, immature, and unappreciated. They might think that my achievements are due to their investments in me. That’s why my eldest sister guilt-tripped me by saying she regrets sending me away. She has been sending messages for the past two years, warning others not to send their daughters away at a young age. Sometimes, I felt guilty, but then I realized that I’ve been living independently away from them for seven years, and I’m turning 28 now. Am I still as foolish as they think I am? It felt like guilt-tripping, shaming, and gaslighting for my decisions.
“They (your sisters) mentioned that he had six sisters who would create problems for me“- your sisters know that so far it’s been your sisters who have been creating problems for you.. do they?”
No, they believe they are absolutely right. They think all men are the same, and because I live in Europe, they think there are plenty of men from our country interested in settling down with me here. I even doubt whether my siblings would ever agree to anyone else. Do you think they would? Maybe they’re worried that their investments in me would go to waste if I get married or have my own children. What do you think? Is it really about caste? I’m not so sure anymore, because it could have been negotiated if my mother-in-law hadn’t bargained. After she negotiated, my family became worried that this opportunity might slip away because my in-laws seem very focused on money (at least, that’s what I assume).
“– take away your loyalty from those who manipulated and betrayed you, and place it in the person who has been your pillar of support.”
I agree. I’m no longer loyal to them, and I can’t rely on or trust them anymore. I used to care deeply for them, but it feels like they betrayed me. They know that my husband is a good person – respectful, educated (by the way, none of my brothers-in-law went to university or got a degree), working, and responsible. They also know that we’re planning to buy our own apartment here. Yet, they rejected all this by saying I would be happier there, but they don’t want to deal with any future problems with my mother-in-law if our marriage faces challenges.
It’s quite funny and doesn’t make any sense. They’re not worth my loyalty, love, care, or respect, and certainly not the two years of waiting. They seem to have no feelings about how they made me, my husband, and his family wait just so they could start their next manipulative and selfish games after I got a stable job.
Why am I acting unkind towards my family ? It’s because I was really hurt and felt like they let me down and disrespected me, like they were toying with my emotions. They kept playing mind games until I decided to distance myself from them.September 4, 2023 at 12:22 pm #421810
I eventually took your advice and cut off contact with my family. However, it took me a while to put your advice into action after going through many lessons with them and finally deciding to move on.
My family united against the idea of my marriage because it didn’t serve their interests. Despite all the help and financial support I provided, my eldest sister criticized my husband’s family indirectly through voice messages, portraying them as terrible people. (His mother visited my house five times over two years, but it was only in the fifth or sixth meeting that they suddenly became the worst people on earth.) She lied, played the victim, and then tried to make me feel guilty by saying she had sacrificed so much to send me abroad, leaving me to decide what I wanted to do next.
In their eyes, making them proud meant becoming their slave because they wanted to control my decisions. I lost trust and felt betrayed and used during that time. I can’t explain how difficult it was for me to go through my exams while dealing with this drama and chaos. My husband was my pillar of support, motivating me and being there for me. I finally received results for three of my papers, which I cleared with his help, and I’m still waiting for the results of the remaining one.
It took me some time to recognize their manipulative behavior and how poorly they treated people, even those who were sincere to them. My promise to help my sister buy a house was met with her calling me “selfish.” This was surprising because they had made me believe for the past two years that they were convinced I was letting my husband suffer for their sake, even though he’s a great person who has always been there for me and never asked for a single penny or treated me as worthless. Now, I see them as the selfish ones.
My brother, whose wedding I contributed to and who expects me to cover his house bills along with my mom’s expenses, sent me a voice message telling me to focus on my “target” – which they sent me. Their target was for me to get an education and obtain German nationality so that no one could claim I got my documents because of my husband. It was shocking because no one seemed to consider me as an individual or how I managed to live in Germany for seven years. What seemed most important to them was their “target,” my papers, and my role as an ATM machine.
Now, I’m questioning whether their opposition to my marriage is solely based on caste. It seems to go beyond that.
Did they send me abroad with the hope that I’d have a better life for myself? Apparently, I’m worthless to them, and my wants and needs don’t matter.
So, why did they invest money in a person they don’t respect and see as worthless in the first place?
All my sisters are married, and so is my brother, but they are all ready to accept financial help.September 4, 2023 at 11:36 am #421807
you are welcome:)
After all the choas in 2022 ,we had planned, my husband and I decided to approach my family after I had a stable job or completed my studies. We intended to wait for about 1-1.5 years for this. Fortunately, things went according to our plan. Recently, I extended my visa based on my internship and studies without needing any financial assistance from anyone, not even my husband. He’s a permanent resident of Germany and will soon become a citizen, having met all the requirements. We were patient in taking this step. I didn’t want to register our marriage here until we this year after a proper desi wedding, for my personal satisfaction, I didn’t want to rely on a dependent visa; I wanted to achieve something on my own.
Now, here’s what happened: My sister, for whom I helped with the bribe and who wanted my help with buying a house or apartment, asked me about my husband and if she was invited to my brother’s wedding. I suggested she invite his family too. She invited her own family, perhaps because I had been sending a lot of money home, and they wanted to make me happy, but I’m not entirely sure.
At the wedding, her mom and sister came, and we met. However, a few weeks later, another sister started making indirect racist comments about her. Maybe her intention was to make me feel bad about my choice of husband, and these comments hurt me and left me confused.
Later, the same sister asked me to reconsider my decision. She cited an example of another sister who had married into a family where one of the parents had married someone from the same ethnic background as my husband’s (African ancestry). She claimed that this family had faced problems, including domestic violence, and she warned me to be cautious, stating that the race was inferior and that my sister had faced violence because her husband had some connection to that race. These comments were very racist and offensive.
i asked my mother in law to talk to my for my marriage because we have waited enough .and i felt i now have a stable position here.i told my sister that my mother in law will contact you regarding marriage .
Sure, let’s break it down:
My mother-in-law came to discuss our wedding plans, and during the conversation, she couldn’t agree to give the amount of gold that my family expected. In our family, giving gold is a common tradition for weddings. My family didn’t like that she tried to negotiate about the gold, which was worth 4500 euros. They politely told her they needed to discuss it and would let her know later.
The next day, my sister messaged me and called these people “cheap” because they didn’t agree to provide the gold and dresses we had asked for. My older sister also had some negative things to say, like people would make fun of us. They made unkind remarks about our race and suggested that after marriage, my husband wouldn’t support me financially. They even said all men were the same and tried to convince me that my husband would change after we got married. They also said his mother was clever and would make my life difficult. They mentioned that he had six sisters who would create problems for me. They basically wanted me to believe that my husband’s family was terrible, cheap, and strict about money, and they said lots of things to worry me. They also suggested that my mother-in-law didn’t want to share her son and wouldn’t agree to these demands.
My husband and I spoke to my mother-in-law about this, and she explained that negotiating before a wedding was normal. She said she had no issue with their demands because my husband would be the one handling the expenses, and if he was okay with it, there was no problem.
I shared this with my sister, but then she started a new issue, claiming that my mother-in-law insulted her. When I didn’t buy into that, she said my mother-in-law insulted me and made fun of my height. She also said my mother-in-law talked to my sister and didn’t want me to marry her son. She painted a negative picture of my mother-in-law, saying she was terrible and clever, among other things.
I refused to be manipulated because I talked to my husband’s family directly, and I had even met my mother-in-law when she visited Germany for three months this year.
When my family realized their demands might be met, my MIL tried to contact my sister through voice messages because she didn’t answer her calls. When that didn’t work, they resorted to emotional manipulation, claiming that my mother-in-law’s conversation had almost caused my brother a stroke.
They said they were stressed and couldn’t sleep, and they threatened that if I married this guy, my brother would leave our home because he thought these people were not good. They even talked about the possibility of a fight happening in front of our house back home if my marriage went wrong. One of my sisters, who had already asked me for money and whom I paid a bribe for, said she would move away from our area because she couldn’t handle my mother-in-law’s behavior.
This same sister spoke harshly to me, saying they hadn’t sent me abroad to find a husband, and I had no right to choose my spouse. They believed it was up to them to decide if they liked my husband’s family or not. They also falsely claimed that my husband’s family had constant fights, which turned out to be untrue.
A week later, during my exams, they caused a lot of drama. They told me to complete my education and come back, saying they would take care of me. But their tone was aggressive, especially considering that just a week before, the same sister had asked me for 1000 euros in a much calmer manner, claiming she needed money.
continue..September 4, 2023 at 8:04 am #421800
Dear Teak and Anita,
Around 1 year and 7 months ago, I believed my family’s main issue with my husband was his caste. However, I’m now uncertain if that was the sole reason for their rejection.
Approximately 2 years ago, I shared here that my family was concerned about the significant investment they had made in my education. They worried that getting married might jeopardize their efforts and the money they spent on my education. They also believed I owed them money for the expenses they incurred when I came here, which @anita suggested calculating and repaying. This amounted to approximately 8500-9000 euros.
A few months later, around the end of February and the beginning of March 2022, another sister informed me that she had convinced my eldest sister, who no longer had any problem with my husband. However, they continued to advise me to reconsider my decision and take more time to evaluate my husband.
My husband and I decided to wait until I secured a job or stable income before approaching my family. We believed this was a logical step. I put in a lot of effort and secured a 5-year of contract in which starting with 2.5 years of internship with the possibility of converting it from part-time to full-time after completing my diploma. This made me financially independent and allowed me to gain valuable skills and experience. Additionally, the flexibility of working from home reduced stress.
For the past 1.5 years, I’ve been financially supporting my mother’s treatment and expenses, as well as partially contributing to my 36-year-old brother’s household bills.
During this time, something important happened in my family. My sister, who is married and has a daughter, found out she had a brain tumor in its early stages. This news made me very worried and unable to sleep. Our family’s money situation was not good, except for my older sister who helped pay for my education. Because of my sister’s serious illness, I had to pay for almost all of her medical treatment, about 85-90% of it. To get the money for this, I had to sell some things I owned, use up my savings, and my husband gave me 1000 euros. In my country, we don’t have good health insurance, so we had to pay for all the medical expenses ourselves.
About three months later, my only brother, who studied law and was working as a lawyer, wanted to get married as soon as possible. But he didn’t have enough money for it. So, my older sister, who had already helped pay for my education, took on the responsibility of paying for his wedding. She asked me to help too. I knew deep down that if my brother got married, he wouldn’t be able to manage the expenses for his new family because he usually didn’t take financial responsibility, as I mentioned before. So, I contributed about 40% of the total cost. I used the money for different things related to the wedding, like doing some repairs to the house and other preparations.
Dec 2022-Jan 2023:
In December 2022 and January 2023, something else happened. Two weeks after my brother’s wedding, my eldest sister, who usually communicates with me indirectly through another sister, asked me to contribute about 700 euros to help the second sister. She had received a government job offer but needed to pay money upfront as a kind of bribe. This second sister was already married. I paid half of the amount, and my eldest sister, who is around 48 years old, covered the other half.
Now, in May 2023, I’m still contributing to household expenses. My brother lives with his wife and my mom. Even though both of them have jobs, I’m the one paying the bills. About 3-4 months after my brother’s wedding, he asked me for 100 euros. He needed it to take his wife and my mom to another city for her exam because she wanted to become a commissioner. He wanted me to pay for their trip because he was taking my mom with them. Even though they both work, I cover all their bills, and I take care of my mom’s expenses too. I told him that 100 euros seemed like a lot, and he should ask for less if he needed it. But he explained that it would cover travel, food, and hotel expenses for all three of them, and it amounted to 100 euros. He even said he would get the money from a friend if I didn’t give it to him. Eventually, I didn’t give him the full 100 euros. Later, I found out that he took money from someone else and left my mom alone during the trip.
When I calculate all the money I sent home in just one year, it’s almost more than 7000 euros. And I still haven’t repaid the money I owe them, which is almost 8500 euros.
Just two months ago, I asked my sister how she wanted me to repay the money I owed her. I asked if she preferred I give her gold or pay her with money. I offered to pay the entire debt of around 8500 euros in three installments, and I was ready to send the first installment of about 2000 euros. When I asked her, she told me that she had spoken to our eldest sister, and they both decided they didn’t need the money right now. Instead, she mentioned that she was planning to buy a house and wanted my help with it. I owed this sister around 1700 euros, and the rest of the debt was to our eldest sister.
The next day, she messaged me again. She said that our eldest sister had made some dresses for my wedding, which she claimed were worth around 2000 euros (this seemed unbelievable, almost too good to be true). However, she said our eldest sister didn’t want money for the dresses at the moment. Instead, she explained that our eldest sister owed her husband around 1000 euros because she had spent all his money on my brother’s wedding. She sounded stressed and worried, saying she was scared of her husband because of the money she owed him. She asked me in a soft, pleading tone if I could send 1000 euros to help her with this situation.
During this time, it became increasingly evident to me that the debt I owed to my family would never be settled. It seemed that no matter what efforts I made, the debt would neither be acknowledged nor accurately calculated or repaid.
Why did I share all of this with you now? Even though they said they were okay with the proposal, and my sister mentioned she gave dresses worth 2000 euros for my wedding, things took a bad turn, and they caused a big, ugly problem.
continue….September 4, 2023 at 12:51 am #421792
I’m Glad to learn that your health concerns are improving!
Regarding your eye issues, I’m curious if they might be linked to an allergic reaction. Strangely, I also experienced eye problems for the first time in my life this year. After consulting a specialist, I was prescribed eye drops and diagnosed with an allergic reaction as the root cause. The specialist also mentioned that it might recur periodically.
and how is going your life?
thanks for asking “How are you? How is your marriage, your studies?”
By the grace of god, my health is good.
My studies are going well. I’ve been doing a (paid) part-time Internship as a software engineer for a year now, while also attending classes. This will earn me a diploma that’s recognized in Germany and Europe. It’s helping me learn and gain experience as a programmer, which I really enjoy. my studies going good few subjects left this semester and from next semester i would begin with seminar and projects.
My marriage is going great. My husband is caring , loving and respects me for who I am. He listens to me and takes my concerns seriously.he is decent person ,doesnt play games or does things which hurts us both . we enjoy being togather and love teasing each other all the time . This positive environment motivated me to do well in my studies and internship. Having his support is a big help.September 3, 2023 at 2:48 pm #421784
Dear Teak ,
i was following your other posts i came to know you are having problems with your eyes and some other symptoms . i hope you are doing fine now .
get well soon 🙂
PeaceSeptember 3, 2023 at 2:31 pm #421783
Dear Anita ,
welcome back to the forum 🙂
i am glad you are back 🙂 i missed you …How are you doing
I visit this thread often to reread our conversation it makes me validate my feelings and stops me from being gaslighted by anyone or my own self,it solves all my self-doubts for the choices I made in my life.
I would like to add to the story where i left and what i experienced further with my life after all the decisions I took, . I want to continue this thread so that in future i can come again and refresh my memory to the all situation I faced ..because I see myself losing the sight of reality over time but this thread and our conversation remind me of reality. and I am thankful of you to for helping me go through all those tough times and decisions.January 15, 2022 at 8:16 am #391324
Dear Anita and Teak,
If after you pay your financial debt to your sister, she still tells people that “she has sacrificed a lot for me to support me and to send me abroad“- then show the people the evidence that you indeed paid her back all that you owe her.
even if I pay her debt but still i will be a villain in her eyes because I dint care for my family and dint feed their racist opinions which they are proud of for years and they have their pride in it that they are not of mixed race and its an insult to them .i have another sis who supported me but it feels like they don’t want me to marry to him bcz my sis told them “ppl laugh at them that I went to study and I got married to a lower class”..and she suggested me to first complete your study and get a job than talk to my elder sis about marriage …i got a bit convinced,I thought it seems fair I will complete my study and than i won’t accept any emotionally blackmailing from them..
but my husband said ,this is not the case ,they will always make this a problem and these are only excuses because they don’t like him …he even ready to pay their debts …but i don’t want him to do this ..i ll do it as i get my professional job..but it meant a lot to me to know he is so supportive 🙂
yesterday i got a voice msg frm my sis that she asked her teacher ( who tells about people future ) , I have no idea who this person is, told her that
“try to avoid this or you guys(my family) situation be like beggars at the end, this guy is not in her (my)destiny, God doesn’t want it .if they(me+my husband) force it then this marriage will not work out, he added starting 2 years will be great but after that everything will be messed up and their marriage will break in 6 years ”
i don’t understand it ….why will the situation of my family be like beggar by marrying my husband? i m already in his destiny and we are married btw …ya ..but my family doesnt know…January 15, 2022 at 7:17 am #391322
“It’s a pity she doesn’t see how hurtful her words are”
No, she was very confident that whatever she said was not wrong .inspite of feeling bad about what she said to my husband about me or how miserable I was feeling after reading her those messages .she blamed my husband that, he might have done a manipulated commentary in front of me and started calling him “ill-manner “to share the chat with me.
according to her, it was wrong of my husband to show their chats with me, not what she wrote in it…
and she again texted my husband, saying how ill-mannered he is to break privacy. and its “women habits ” and she started to guilt-trip him by saying, she used to complain about such things in front of my other brother in law but they never shared this with their husbands, but you (my husband) did…and how my husband damaged his reputation in front of her in just 24 hours.
my husband didn’t take it very well, he was very stressed. and he regretted showing me her texts.
I feel like she is facing some mental health issues. as she is not sorry for anything but starts to justify her actions…I don’t knowJanuary 14, 2022 at 4:28 pm #391314
I ll reply if ur previews post tomorrow in the morning here
good nightJanuary 14, 2022 at 4:26 pm #391313
”Has she responded to that?”
ya she responded.she said she dint say anything wrong .and she keep asking “ what wrong did I say??” several times..
As u asked what I n studying.so I m studying (Medizinische Informatik) Medical IT it’s also known as Health care informatic.
it’s like 80 pro cent Informatics and 20 % medical .and I m more interested in IT side like doing programming stuff..January 13, 2022 at 1:20 pm #391260
“your sister would not have a single valid reason to accuse you of misusing or mistreating your family in any way, shape or form, would she?”
i guess she would still tell me that I have defame family reputation etc .or that she has sacrificed a lot for me to support me to send me abroad as we are conservative family and that now people will laugh at us ..
there are things which has no logic but still our society to follow that