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bad timing or patterns?

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Viewing 7 posts - 181 through 187 (of 187 total)
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  • #427395
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Teak,

    How are you doing .its been a lomg time that i dint write back .

    “I think it’s actually good that you’ve started reflecting more on the relationship between you and your mother, and want to explore it further. You say she is a sweet person, but emotionally distant. Was she emotionally distant also before the onset of her dementia?From what I’ve understood about your childhood, you haven’t received much personal attention from your mother, because she was very busy, having many children to take care of. She also was busy helping her relatives, if I remember well? Perhaps all those were factors that contributed to her feeling emotionally distant.You say she is introverted. Perhaps that means she wasn’t really talking too much about her own feelings either, perhaps stuffing them down, and so this contributed to her not being attuned to your (and your siblings’) feelings either?”

    When I think about love, my mom’s love is the first thing that comes to mind. She was always there for me. I remember her arms, the hands that fed me, and her lap, where I would rest my head even though I was getting older. I used to hug her while sleeping, even when I was 12-13 years old. I recall feeling very sad at times and even wishing for death, but then I’d think about how my mom would be without me. It was clear to me, even at that young age, that she loved me unconditionally. However, I felt lonely because she couldn’t understand that I needed protection and emotional support.

    My mom was quiet and not big on expressing herself. Our family followed the older tradition where having a family and kids was normal, and they didn’t think much beyond basic needs like food, clothes, and getting married. It was usual in our culture for older siblings to take care of the younger ones.

    During my childhood, my mom was always nice,kinf,loving but not expressive. She never said no to anything I asked, and she never scolded me. She was really kind. But what was missing for me was the feeling of being taken care of. I wished my parents would be more concerned about me, wondering where I was if I disappeared for a bit. Unlike other kids’ parents, mine didn’t ask about my day. It felt like I wasn’t really looked after or belonged to anyone, and that made me feel lonely and i used to look for attention and love from others .

     

    #427396
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    You are very welcome and thank you (!!!) for your kinds words of appreciation, and for giving me and this forum credit for your amazing progress. The great majority of the credit belongs to you, to your mother who although imperfect (and no one is perfect…) was kind and never scolded you, and to your husband whose presence in your life made you a calmer, healthier person. You are a blessing in this forum, in the forums in general and in my mind and heart!

    anita

    #427811
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    you are welcome . and thank you so much 🙂 Anita

    and thank you for everything and being there for me 🙂

    Peace

    #427823
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    It’s a pleasure (!!!) to read your short post (if I was able to insert emojis here, I would choose a very happy face.. but I am technologically challenged..)

    anita

    #427843
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    it felt nice to read your post ,although you are technically challenged i am glad  that you expressed emotions .

    i hope you are doing well .

    as i am going through exams right now ..i have 2 exams after 10 days with 1 day gap ..

    i would be in touch soon..

    Peace

    #427848
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    Thank you for saying such a nice thing.. makes me smile! I am doing well, now that I have electricity and internet back after more than 12 hours.. actually, I did quite well without electricity and internet.

    Please focus on your two exams in the next 10 days, and I hope to read from you after your exams and after you are rested following the exams, take good care of yourself!

    anita

     

    #427981
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    congratulations on getting married in your homeland too! And having a big wedding that you enjoyed, despite your family not being super happy about it.

    What is more important, I am so glad you feel free from your family’s expectations and guilt-tripping, free to enjoy your marriage and your own choices. I am super happy about you and how much you’ve grown and blossomed in these last few years!!

    My health is so-so, still suffering from health anxiety. And it is not helping that I have various health issues (smaller but not insignificant) popping up rather frequently… which kind of gives me the reason to worry. So it’s hard to break free from the cycle of worrying… Anyway, I am working on it, hopefully will see some results soon.

    During my childhood, my mom was always nice,kinf,loving but not expressive. She never said no to anything I asked, and she never scolded me. She was really kind. But what was missing for me was the feeling of being taken care of. I wished my parents would be more concerned about me, wondering where I was if I disappeared for a bit. Unlike other kids’ parents, mine didn’t ask about my day. It felt like I wasn’t really looked after or belonged to anyone, and that made me feel lonely and i used to look for attention and love from others .

    It’s nice that your mother was kind and never scolded you. And that she was physically tender with you and never rejected you when you wanted her comfort and soothing (I remember her arms, the hands that fed me, and her lap, where I would rest my head even though I was getting older). That’s very healthy.

    Perhaps what was missing was her showing more interest in you, like asking you how your day was, and also perhaps noticing that you feel sad about something and asking you about it? Maybe she failed to protect you if your siblings (or relatives) were cruel with you? (she couldn’t understand that I needed protection and emotional support.)

    If so, it would be a type of emotional neglect (failing to protect you, or failing to notice your mood and comfort you). And as you say, this was inherent in the traditional upbringing: Our family followed the older tradition where having a family and kids was normal, and they didn’t think much beyond basic needs like food, clothes, and getting married. It was usual in our culture for older siblings to take care of the younger ones.

    If older siblings were supposed to take care of the younger ones, they of course couldn’t take care of their emotional needs, but of their physical safety at most. Which is not enough, because we need emotional safety and attunement even more than food and clothing. So… if you had no one to take care of your emotional needs, no wonder you felt lonely and unwanted, and looked elsewhere to meet that need (It felt like I wasn’t really looked after or belonged to anyone, and that made me feel lonely and i used to look for attention and love from others.).

    It’s not your mom’s fault – it’s just how she was raised and what she knew. But she also gave you a lot of physical touch and cuddling, which is super important, and she was also never abusive (she never criticized you, yelled at you, shamed you, or emotionally manipulated you). This all means that you did get a lot of her love, only it wasn’t complete. As you yourself said, emotional protection and support was missing… but now you are getting it from your husband, and are also giving it to yourself. Which is why you’ve had a major healing!

    And I am super happy for all the healing and growth you’ve experienced, and all the positive vibes coming from you! Congratulations, Peace!

     

Viewing 7 posts - 181 through 187 (of 187 total)

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