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  • #376116
    Peace
    Participant

    dear teak;

    “I am not saying these three men are the same, because the first sounds pretty scary, while the other two boyfriends seem more normal. But all of them had financial issues and needed your help, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. What do you think?”

     

    the first crazy bf was financially stable but was still living at my place for more than 6 months without contributing for rent ..he used to bring grocery which wasnt much of his part..and when i wanted to break up his real face came out threatening etc..and i became financially broke while he was demanding money from me by saying that i have to pay him his every single penny ,(which he spent on me )..and i wasnt working as he was sick so i needed to take care of him ..go for work ,study take classes while he was sitting all the time in my apartment and playing “pubg game “..i ended up financially broke ,depressed, failed in exams which led to visa problem all in one time but than i took my courage and hope and built myself again so that i never go through the same heartache again.. my worst time but best lesson .

    well

    yes i am financially independent as i m working part time as a Student .but i dont earn much and i mostly try to save without spending it anywhere else but if someone is in need i try to help …

    .may be thats what attracts these guys are that i wont be ( burden)dependent on them in any way ,and still they can spend  good time without investing much (as i dont expect for beautiful expensive gifts from them) ..i dont know ,May be.

     

     

    #376117
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    thanks for explaining a bit more. That was truly a traumatic experience, your first bf was definitely a psychopath. Just the fact that he told you that you need to pay him back, when he was actually living at your place almost for free, and you took care of him while he was sick – despicable! I am glad you managed to stand up on your feet again and that you’ve learned a lesson from that experience!

    “may be thats what attracts these guys are that i wont be ( burden)dependent on them in any way ,and still they can spend good time without investing much (as i dont expect for beautiful expensive gifts from them)”

    Yes unfortunately it does seem like that. And you’re willing to help them and even sacrifice yourself for them, while they hardly contribute anything. It’s almost a free ride for them…

    So I guess this could be another lesson for you – not to get involved with men who’d try to use you. One example would be not to date men who want to move in immediately with you, because they don’t have a place to stay. Or not to give them money for their financial troubles. So, create some precautions and boundaries before you get more deeply involved with them.

    #376118
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    In your Guilty or not? thread in May 2020, you were 24 and shared about a relationship with a 33 year old man who on one hand, “isn’t verbally affectionate.. doesn’t talk romantic stuff”, but on the other hand, “he told me he loved me a lot, cared for me.. talking emotional things like ‘would I care if something happens to him??.. saying he was thinking to write the first letter of my name on his body by burning it… saying he was thinking to cut his hand nerves.. to show me that he loves me”.

    In your Frustration in relationship thread of July 2020, you shared about a new, two-months old relationship with a man who was 29,  five years older than you, a divorced father of one 7-year-old son, a man who said he wanted to marry you in about two years, after he arranges for a house for his ex-wife and kids.

    In your current thread, bad timing or patterns?, March 2021, you shared about a third and current relationship, a long-distance relationship,  with a man about the same age as you (a former classmate). He is financially and otherwise irresponsible, and you helped him financially a couple or more times.

    Today, for the first time you shared about a previous relationship with “a father of two sons, 10 years older than (you)”, a financially stable man who lived in your apartment “for more than 6 months without contributing for rent”, paying for groceries at times. Living in your apartment, unemployed and sick, you worked and took care of him. When you wanted to break up with him, “he was demanding money from me by saying that I have to pay him his every single penny (which he spent on me)”, calling you prostitute and gold digger to your face and to your friends, “harassed and blackmailed (you), threatened to destroy (you) I suppose you paid him some money and “ended up financially broke, depressed, failed in exams”.

    I am wondering, did we communicate a few years ago, for a long time, under a different account? At the time, you were living away from your family, on your own, in a country in Europe, having many, quick relationships, one of which was with a man who you said lived in your apartment, a man with some political reputation within the immigrant/ refuge community in that country in Europe, being an illegal resident there. He was recovering from an accident and you took care of him, giving him massages and such. He gave you gifts, a computer being one, and he later accused you of being a prostitute. He wanted his gifts back… is that you???

    anita

     

    #376121
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    That’s right… Unfortunately thats me… I cant access my that email anymore i lost passwords… Nor that account…

    J was the  one who was having alot of relationship one after one and having heartaches but then i started taking time knowing people.. In my current relationship we took more than 1 month just talking casual to know each other without romantic stuff but still ending up like this…

    Now my question is what if i m the one who is wrong? Like for my current relationship everything was going great but i turned off…

    I m hurting him and i m sorry for that and i m hurting my self…

     

     

    #376123
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    It is a good thing that after living alone for so long as a single, very young woman, unprotected,  having had some bad experiences, you still have a heart and therefore, you don’t want to hurt another person.

    But, let’s look at it further: to not hurt this man’s feelings, you will have to …say and do what he wants you to say and do, for as long as he does? Do you give up who you are and who you want to be so to be who this man wants you to be, for as long as he does?

    In other words, do you sacrifice you/ give up on you, so to not hurt his feelings?

    anita

    #376138
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Anita,

    thank you so much for your reply ..

    as u wrote “to not hurt this man’s feelings, you will have to …say and do what he wants you to say and do, for as long as he does? Do you give up who you are and who you want to be so to be who this man wants you to be, for as long as he does? ”

    the thing is i cant fake things.i m very bad at hiding things i mean i cant i feel like i m betraying him or lying…i m fully aware which behaviour or affection wont hurt him but i can just do acting and say things which i dont mean…

    yesterday in the video call conversation he asked me whats wrong and i couldnt reply .he was hurting i was hurting  too..than he asked ,if i m not having feelings for him i said yes … he started crying i was saying :i m really sorry ,i m trying ,i dont know what to do i was saying again n again..i have been trying i started to cry and i couldnt stop in that video call…and i was saying i m really Sorry..he said: take your time and you will be okey till than he will wait and tolerate … i said: ok

     

    In other words, do you sacrifice you/ give up on you, so to not hurt his feelings?

    no.i shouldnt be giving up or sacrificing my self  if i m nt having love for him or not  happy .because he deserve someone who loves him and i deserve to be happy too .if i m not in love with him now ,i wont be myself around him  and he wont be happy too ..if he knows i m not happy …

    why do i feel as if i m wrong thats why i m unable to feel that love for him?even though it all started with his being careless ..

     

     

     

    #376142
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    I think that you feel that you are wrong in this case, feeling guilty- not because you did anything wrong, not because you really are guilty in context of this man- but because when you were a child, you felt unloved, so you figured that you must have done something wrong. And when your cousin or cousins locked you in the home, you probably felt that you must have done something wrong to be locked in. Do you remember?

    What we feel as children day after day, night after night, months and years long- we tend to feel the same as adults.

    anita

    #376161
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    after I’ve read your “Guilty or not?” thread, I agree with Anita that your relationship with men has probably to do with your childhood wound.

    There’s been a pattern in your relationships where you feel guilty about leaving: it happened with your first, long-term boyfriend, whom you started dating at the age of 15. You said he never showed you much love, but when you wanted to leave him, he threatened to kill himself. He also was saying he’d burn the first letter of your name on his body, or cut his hand nerves as a “proof” of his love for you. That emotional  blackmail made you feel even more guilty for leaving. Your toxic boyfriend also blamed you (and harassed you and made you financially broke) when you wanted to break up with him. This boyfriend might not be blaming you (or not yet) but you’re blaming yourself.

    You said:

    “yesterday in the video call conversation he asked me whats wrong and i couldnt reply .he was hurting i was hurting too..than he asked ,if i m not having feelings for him i said yes … he started crying i was saying :i m really sorry ,i m trying ,i dont know what to do i was saying again n again..i have been trying i started to cry and i couldnt stop in that video call”

    When he asked you what’s wrong, you couldn’t tell him the truth that his irresponsible behavior and empty promises turn you off. You couldn’t verbalize that you’re disappointed in him or have issues with his behavior. Instead, you started blaming yourself, like it were your fault that you simply just “turned off” and lost love for him, as if it didn’t have anything to do with his bad behavior.

    A pattern I see here is that you get involved with a man, after a while you realize he doesn’t make you happy, you want to break up, but then you blame yourself for wanting to leave. And they blame you too. You start believing the problem is in you, not in them.

    The reason for that is most likely in your childhood, because when the child doesn’t receive the love they crave, they blame themselves, not the adult. The child starts believing they are unlovable, and that something’s wrong with them. The same as you’re now believing about yourself…

    In your description of your childhood, I noticed you didn’t mention your father, only the male cousins who harassed you. Your issues with men might be related to the absence of a father figure. If you’re comfortable with sharing a bit more about your childhood, I think it would explain a lot of what you’re experiencing in your relationships with men.

    #376269
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Teak,

    “I think that you feel that you are wrong in this case, feeling guilty- not because you did anything wrong, not because you really are guilty in context of this man- but because when you were a child, you felt unloved, so you figured that you must have done something wrong. And when your cousin or cousins locked you in the home, you probably felt that you must have done something wrong to be locked in. Do you remember?”

     

    I have a big family with 9 siblings and i m yhe youngest one in my family.. I felt like an unwanted child or were treated in that way from my siblings,i m sure they loved me alot but in my society ( generally) its easy to criticise than  show love /appreciation.So they were mostly not aware to show me that.. I used to be very unhappy, hurt, scared from cousins ( as we were poor, my cousins were very rude to me / my siblings as compared to other cousins). it was more like “Taboo”to talk or do what you really wanted to do in that society .Saying” No” to a

    an elder person or correct them just because they are wrong about something shows disrespect so in order to be appreciated you have to do all other are expecting from you to do.. In my case i was seeking attention, appreciation,(may be) because  never got some. .

    I got very hurted when I saw being differentiated just because my father wasn’t earning much or we were very financially broke.. For example :  My mom cousin offering a cup of tea to my other cousin but not to me. Or even if i asked the reply would be there is no tea..

    Being insulted for no reason, scolded from others, or my cousin saying me : “don’t show me your face whenever i see your face i start getting angry, he hates my face”..

     

     

    About my Parents:

    mom,she is the most sweetest mom in the world she loved/loves me the most and treated me like a princess to her when i was near her. She made me eat with her hands i would sleep next to her in her arms even when i was 12 years old… But i was always beside her.. Or lay in her lap during day..

    Unfortunately i dont have much such memories of my dad or my conversation with my dad.. When i was 17 my dad passed away he was suffering from Alzheimer. When i was nearly 9-10 years old he first showed some symptoms of dementia.. He was very quite, peaceful and most respected men, wanted his daughters to study, responsible .he used to work whole day nd come in the evening, we dint chat much i used to play. . I have 9 siblings in which we are 8 sisters and 1 brother. (in my society) sons are very appreciated and given respect compared to daughters (girls) but my dad never differentiated in such way he invested same money for my sisters nd my brother..but yes he was very strict to my brother as my brother wasn’t interested in studies, sometimes he would beat him but he never raised his hand for us(daughters). He would always ask my sister approval/opinion before getting her married or accepting the proposal (when a good proposal used to come) we were not burden in his eyes..

    But the Society was concern for us for no reason.. That was funny.. My mom cousin she just wanted us to get marry whenever a proposal came but my family is very picky…

    #376270
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    thank your for sharing more about your family. I am sorry your father passed away while you were quite young.

    You say: “I felt like an unwanted child or were treated in that way from my siblings,i m sure they loved me alot but in my society ( generally) its easy to criticise than show love /appreciation.”

    Does it mean you were criticized by your siblings and it is because of that, that you felt unwanted? Or your parents criticized you too?

    You say “mom,she is the most sweetest mom in the world she loved/loves me the most and treated me like a princess to her when i was near her. She made me eat with her hands i would sleep next to her in her arms even when i was 12 years old…”

    I don’t quite understand how that looked like – you were sitting in her lap and used her hands to feed yourself? It’s something she made you do?

    You say “In my case i was seeking attention, appreciation,(may be) because never got some.”

    Whose attention did you crave the most?

    Sorry for asking you all these questions, I am trying to better understand your family dynamics and what might have caused you the greatest pain.

    #376277
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    In the society you grew up in (India) boys are valued and respected over girls, girls are often considered  a burden, and poor families are looked down at. You were a girl with 7 older sisters and 1 brother. Your family was poor and therefore discriminated against.

    Your father worked all day and came home in the evening. He did not treat his 8 daughters as a burden, or as less valuable than his son. He treated his children well, expecting them to study well and be responsible. He did not force his older daughters to marry and asked for their opinions regarding possible matches. When you were 9 or 10, he started showing dementia, later diagnosed with Alzheimer. He died when you were 17.

    Your mother treated you well, fed you, bringing food with her hands to your mouth. She had you sleep with her, even when you were as old as 12.

    Your cousins treated you as less-then, because you were a girl and because your family was poor. They offered some of their cousins tea, but did not offer you any tea. When you asked them for tea, they said: there is no tea (for you)! They insulted you, scolded you, told you they hated your face.

    you felt criticized a lot (“in my society, generally, it’s easy to criticise than show love/ appreciation), and overall, you felt “like an unwanted child.. very unhappy, hurt, scared of cousins.. seeking appreciation maybe because never got some”.

    Disrespected for being a girl, disrespected for being poor, you left India alone, some time after your father died and landed in Europe. And there, hardly removed from your teenage years, unprepared, you entered and exited a series of dysfunctional relationships with men.

    How did it feel, to be alone in Europe… how did you manage financially, not having a family back in India that was able to financially support you???

    anita

    #376282
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear ANITA and Teak,

    “How did it feel, to be alone in Europe??”

    I felt good i felt like a bird ..i felt  happy, free ,full of potential ..thats because i could go out without having to worry about  “those eyes of men which used to gaze me ” ,or passing sexual comment ,being harrassed ,not to care what my older relative say about my cloths (normal jean and shirt which is also not allowed to wear )..

    “how did you manage financially, not having a family back in India that was able to financially support you???”

    To answer this i want to tell a small background ,a turning point of our family , Power of a thought / Power of Education and most importantly  How  our culture or caste played a important role here ..

     

    as i wrote earlier :

    “I felt like an unwanted child or were treated in that way from my siblings,i m sure they loved me alot but in my society ( generally) its easy to criticise than  show love /appreciation.So they (My Siblings)were mostly not aware to show me that

    So

    My Dad wanted us all to be educated even when he couldnt afford to buy books for us sometimes ..but he managed and  my elder sis went till uni ( was doing her Master ) when my dad was sick or even before that when we were facing  financial problems my sister started financially supporting us  by giving tuition classes or doing teaching ..Our days started being better when all my elder sister giving tuition classes or teaching in school along with completing their own Studies .they were not only arranging their own expenses but also supporting younger siblings like me .we were not that much broke .our circumtances started to improve  but after dads sickness we were again struggling emotionally ,mentally after learning that there is no treatment (at that time) .

    So they started saving for their marriage ,in my culture we love to keep Gold ,so they started making Gold for their own marriage by their savings .. And in my culture unlike other cultures Girls dont pay Dowry but it was opposite ..in our culture a men need to arrange a house (Furniture) before marrying ,he has to give Gold as gift, 20-25 dresses , and must take all the expense of food for the guests of bride family ..Girls are not burden to their family in my culture but for that society somehow they think only son can become the support of the family .thats the mentality  .. they were getting married as they were educated ,beautiful without any financial problem with their own approval without pressure ..

     

    my sis was spending more money on our (my and other siblings) Education .she wanted us to have a good career .and when i was in college she decided she will send me abroad for studies…she sold her Savings (Gold ) and also my other sister contributed with their Savings , taking loans.. as i landed here i had enough blocked money for my first year so i started working here ,doing Student jobs waitress, working in backery, or production companies  ( as i learnt German language and i am advanced in it ,i started getting better jobs ) so i finance myself and sometimes my family by sending money to my mom  or sis but she doesnt want me to do that ..

    thats why i wrote there

    “i m sure they loved me alot but in my society ( generally) its easy to criticise than  show love /appreciation.So they (My Siblings)were mostly not aware to show me that

     

    So i work here and finance my self ..in my uni break i try to work full time and during semester i work part time and do some Savings …

    Turning Point of our Life was, after these years of Struggle of my family and specially my mom , dad and my eldest sis .Today we are far better than financially  other relatives ,or cousins . they respect us alot .my all sis got married.

    .My cousin who dint like my face when i was child ,used to insult me  ,he is very sweet to me now ,when i go to my country he comes specially to meet me ,if i just desire to go for a picnic, he would ask me again and again,if  i wanna go there and  his Auto is ready to take me and my family for picnic .where.( in my childhood i saw him insulting my mom or me for sitting in his vehicle or we dint get any seat ) i absorbed all those things ,i was very sensitive in my childhood..my mom’s cousin who dint offer tea to me ,when i go to her, she becomes happy to see me now  and insist me to come to her ..shedoesnt hide tea now ,she makes specially for me ..this is how money changes behaviour of others ..

    and  one of my brother in Law ,who said me when i was  13_14 that we( daughters )  and our educaation are responsible of my dad’s Alzheimer disease..i was hurt on that day alot…but Guess what he is so good to me now..

    and in this locked down ,that was my family (my other sis ) who were trying to financially support my those cousins ,who would always looked down on us..

     

    i dont know why i have this feeling  of “Guilt” inside me ,and i have no idea but thats what i decided when i was young..i decided if i will be in place of these people who are mistreating me based on my family circumtances or because i m Girl i will never do ,what i m experiencing ,i will never let any one to go through the “hurt” ,  “discrimination” which i saw in childhood .poor or rich ,black or white specially to childerns …

    in this current situation of bf ,i felt guilty because i saw him financially broke and dint want to hurt him in this situation, again i dint want to be  one of  that person ( people mistreating me for being poor)  ..so i assumed what if the feelings are fading because he is financially broke now and like some girls ,Money attracts a person ..( what if i m a Gold Digger).. i feel guilty of leaving/losing (feelings) him in the situation where he is already facing alot of other problems..

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #376283
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Teak;

    Does it mean you were criticized by your siblings and it is because of that, that you felt unwanted? Or your parents criticized you too?

    actually yes they criticized me in fun way which hurted me ..unfortunately our elders  or us dont know a child want emotional,love or appreciation so they did it .my parents never criticized me ..my other siblings were actually jealous because my mom loves me alot..

    I don’t quite understand how that looked like – you were sitting in her lap and used her hands to feed yourself? It’s something she made you do?

     

    actually it was more like she used to feed me with her hands ,i dont remember exactly if i used to sit on her lap or beside her while eating food.specially if she cooked/fried fish..she was afraid if mistakely eat the bone of it..

    Whose attention did you crave the most?

    i wanted my siblings attention ,cousins or some guests..

    out side of home i got scared very easily, dint have much confident , very quite , scared of being judge in school ..after 5th standard i started becoming better in studies ,gained some confidence but deep inside ,i was very scared …

     

    #376284
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    thank you for sharing some more or your very interesting story! If I am understanding it well, you actually felt loved and supported by your parents. However, you were very much hurt by the behavior of your siblings and cousins, and your parents’ love couldn’t make up for your feelings of lack. You said earlier that you felt so miserable that at some point you prayed to God to die (“Even though i had not a happy childhood, i felt unloved, wished to be dead because no one shows me affection, appreciation, care, love apart from my mom… I was very sensitive… I used to cry alone nd used to pray to God for death in childhood…”).

    So it appears that you felt unloved not because your parents didn’t love you, but because your siblings and cousins didn’t love you or show appreciation to you. Your siblings (7 sisters and 1 brother) were mocking you (“criticized me in fun way which hurted me“) and were jealous that your mom loves you so much (“my other siblings were actually jealous because my mom loves me alot”).

    Your cousins and aunt insulted you and humiliated you because you were poor. They didn’t want to offer you tea or take you in their car with them. By the way, did they treat your other siblings like that too, or just you?

    It could be that the voices of your siblings and cousins, who were many, overpowered the voice of your parents. So you focused on not receiving love, on not being appreciated by them, rather than on receiving love and being appreciated by your parents. You took one part of your childhood experience and made it your whole reality. And you suffered because of it a great deal. This is how we often operate – we focus on the negative, and forget or take for granted the positive experiences.

    You say that later your sisters actually helped you and enabled you to go to study abroad. One of them sold her gold, and the other one took a loan so you can go abroad. So although they might have mocked you when you were children, they were generous and supportive of you later, as adults. Or at least they supported you materially. Do you feel they support you in general or they criticize you for how you live your life?

    Right now I don’t want to return immediately to the subject of your boyfriend, but for now, perhaps just try to re-frame or take another look at your childhood experience of feeling unloved. Because in reality, you were actually loved by your parents, but you chose to focus on being unloved by your siblings and cousins. You focused on the pain and lack. Try to see that you were loved as well, try to go back to the positive memories and focus on the love you received in your mother’s lap, when she fed you and cared for you, when your father was kind to you, when he told you he wants education for you etc etc…

    #376288
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    I located our extensive communication from April 2018 to November 2019 under your then screen name Princess123. In the quotes to follow I made very minor changes in the grammar so to make it an easier read.

    In April 2018, at 21 or 22 years old, you were living in Germany, far away from your family in India were you were born and raised (“I live here without my family or anyone else”). You were a student, working part-time. As a Muslim, you lived close to, or in the midst of the large Muslim community in Germany, many of which were refuges.

    At the time, you shared about a 2.5 months relationship you had, one that started in February 2018. You shared that at first he treated you “like a princess”, but then acted jealous and controlling, wanted to be with you 24/7, calling you every 30 minutes, asking where you were and what you were doing. You therefore broke up with him and felt guilty for it, “I am guilty because I know he is very sensitive.. I just think how he is doing.. if he is hurting from this break up? I don’t want to hurt anyone”.

    You shared at the time, that one of your cousins flirted with you sometimes, and that he sent you money: “he flirts sometimes but was the one who sent me money.. he sent me 1000 euro last month”.

    In August 2018, you shared about a 3-months new relationship, one that started in May 2018, with a Muslim refuge 10 years older than you,  a man who was “really kind and loves me so much”. You referred to the relationship as a “very healthy relationship”.

    In October 2018, you shared about the same man that he was living with you in your apartment, while you paid all the rent and bills except for groceries. He accused you of flirting with older men, accused you of being a prostitute, demanded that you give him back all the gifts he bought you, plus every single household item that he bought, including the salt and pepper shakers, and when you handed those things to him, he threw all those items out the window.

    In January 2019, you shared about the same man, that he demanded that you pay him back all the money he spent on you, “demanding 2400 euro, including the cost of the Mac laptop which he bought for me… and the ticket he bought for me… 1600 euro”. You agreed to pay him back: “I agreed at first and said.. give me time, I’ll pay you all your money”. But you did not have any money, “I’m financially broke this month”. You then “denied to pay him”, telling him that you don’t owe him money because following an injury he sustained, you provided him with services for which he owes you money, “why shouldn’t I ask money for my time which I invested in him, giving him services, massaging, taking care of him, bathing him.. nursing him etc… I asked him to pay me for my services”. He responded with: “now you will also ask the fee of having sex with me for the last 7 months”? and he “started to call me a prostitute and said that he’ll bring customers for sex”.

    Next, he threatened to show conversations he had with you, and photos to your family back in India, and destroy your reputation. You blocked him, he texted your oldest sister “and told her every single thing and.. that I am not returning his money… harassing  my sister and telling her he’ll destroy me and he has proof against me”, and he he threatened to destroy your reputation with your “very rich cousin (who) likes me and financially helps me when I ask him”.

    Your shared that your boyfriend “used to do some sexually cruel things… I used to scream because of .. the pain… I used to tell him stop doing it, but he used to say: no, it doesn’t hurt”.

    You then shared about a man who was friends with your boyfriend for 15 years; “He is always there when I need him, when I need help, money or emotional  support”.

    In March 2019, you shared that you broke up with your 9-months boyfriend in February, a month earlier. A week following the breakup, one of your ex-boyfriend’s male friends contacted you, proposing a relationship with you, and you accepted. He told you that he loved you and planned to marry you. When he arrived by train to your place, he pressured you to have sex with him, and you were confused: “I’m just confused, this person said he really likes me and loves me, and planning to marry me, but I feel like all he wants from me is sex??.. Or am I only judging him??”

    In August 2019, you shared about a new, 2-months old relationship that started in June 2019.

    In November 2019, still in the same 3-months relationship, you shared that like I suggested to you, you moved to another city, “very far away from such people and circle” such as your ex-boyfriend of nine months. You started your studies in a new university in Oct 2019. Because you were lonely in the new city, you joined a male friend and his female friend travelling to visit another city. Your boyfriend was very jealous, accusing you: “you must be busy now with your new.. (male friend)”, and he sent you a picture showing that he threw away all the love notes you wrote him into the toilet, “which he was about to flush and he wrote: here you go”!

    You asked me at the time: “was I very wrong to go outside with male friend?”

    In March 2021, you shared for the first time that your elder sister financially supported you, spending money on your education, having sent you abroad for your studies, and that your other sister contributed to your education and studying abroad with her savings, taking loans.

    You also shared how hurt you were in India by your cousins who treated you badly because your family was poor at the time, and that your guilty feelings now are about not wanting to treat anyone as badly as you were treated back in India.

    You shared about your mother when you were a child: “my mom.. she used to feed me with her hands, especially if she cooked fried fish… she was afraid if mistakenly, I eat the bone”-

    – she protected you from the bone in the fish, but she did not protect you from.. anything or anyone else, did she?

    Sometimes you can tell a lot not by what is being shared in a story, but by what is not shared. In your many long posts, you mentioned nothing about your mother being part of your adult life, no contact that you’ve had with her while in Germany, nothing earlier than when you were 12 and still slept with her- nothing other than her sleeping with you and feeding you, bringing food to your mouth with her hands.

    You did not share a single word that she ever told you.

    It is as if she was mute, a mute person in the background of your early life, not a person who guided you in any way, or who talked to you about… anything.

    My closing thoughts for today: (1) your story is heartbreaking to me, and in some ways, it is similar to my story. (2) You are young, Peace, and you can make your life better and better.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by anita.
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