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  • #375914
    Peace
    Participant

    Hallo Anita,

    i hope you are doing good .

     

    i used to write here about my past relationship but this time i have something new to discuss, ask, need advice or suggestion. ..

    i am in a relationship with  a guy ,who i know from long time.  he is also student just like me .

    so we started talking alot in december , back then when he was my classmate before 6 years i heard he likes me .. he expressed his feeling and i took it very lightly and i thought lets give it a try if it works or not..so we were in contact till january ,i start liking him as he is very sweet ,cute ,understanding, with a beautiful heart, giving always compliments, good in communication ,making me feel loved , i felt and loved ..not for even once i felt he is after physical thing.i really liked this .all the time video calls for very long.. it was  somtimes so long that sometimes i felt i m going away from my studies ..but we started falling in love ..

    i visited him on New year as he had his birthday on same day..it was very romantic ,beautiful, laughs ,playing everything was great.i was there for 3 days .. it seems all perfect ,isnt it ?? i felt same apart from this “Long distance ” ..

     

    but few things started to turning me off after few weeks of visiting him ..

    1)as we started talking he was facing financial problems ..he was having debts and problem from job, needed to pay Uni ..he couldnt work without car, even dint have money for eating meals (it breaks my heart )..because his salary was going to rent which is very high..i sent him some money for buying a used car so that he can work ..and i put some money to his drawer for monthly expense before coming back from my visit ..

    even though his family is financially stable in our home country ..he could simply ask them in this situation but he said he feels ashamed of it..

    then again complaining about money  and from last 3 months he has  same issues.

     

    2) if i ask him to do something .it doesnt happen or i dont get any answer or he forget about it .. i remember 3 times and i got disappointed ..it also applies if he claims he ll do something for me ..it doesnt actually happen and he doesnt discuss it or give me any update about it…

    3) as he was financially broken but still he was ordering food from resturant ( in which he works but gets discount) was buying coffee from backery inspite of making it at home.. does it make sense? if a person is financially broken AF but still doing such thing…but after i telling  him to cook home he started cooking at home ..

    4) doesnt try to change his living situation..if he is cant afford the rent of  his room he should find something cheaper right ? but he dint even try ..he just ask his friends if there is any room availible but he dint search any on internet…i was searching for him and i found many cheaper tbh.god knows if he contacted thm or not.. he will complain but wont find any solution.

    5) he wants to come to me in same country for continuing his studies but he has no idea how is he gonna do that…he asks me to search for him uni and i asked him to send emails to uni to know or for info ..he just say he will but he dint ..

    6) he wasted 1 year in this country where i m living  and  he thought its very difficult to study here because the education standard is high  and choosed another country pays there double tuition fee and wasted there again 1 year now .. he started university againnn..

     

    yesterday he gave me another shocking news ..that he can be deported as his visa expired in october he submitted his documents to foreign office but they dint respond so he took a lawyer ..the lawyer told him his one document was missing and they tried to send many post to his address ..but he dint get them because he changed his address and dint inform them ..(according to him ,he has informed them) but he dint City -register of his new address.. and lawyer suggested to leave country after pendamie or locked down nd apply once again..

     

    NOW I FEEL HIS ALL PROBLEM ARE BECAUSE OF HIS OWN BEHAVIOUR ..HE IS TOO CARELESS MAY BE..

    MAY BE I AM JUDGING HIM ALOTT ON THESE ISSUES ..but i m 25 years old now i m getting social pressure too. i m too old to not my waste again..i like him care for him alot ..i have sympathy for him but deep inside i m angry too..and such things seriously turning me off…

    i asked him to find a good lawyer who can handle the case and i ll pay for that ..i m there for him

    is it only a bad time in his life or are these the patterns ..??

    and to myself i am also student i work 3 days per week  to finance myself ( paying tuoition fees + paying rents + sometimes helping my family ,i dont have a strong financial background) and 4 days i attend my lectures doing self studies. .trying my  best so that i can have a good future ..i m also struggling and some point i get tired ,exhausted i want someone to be there for me to catch me if i start to fall ..

    i have written alot …what are your thoughts ? what do you think about this long distance relationship??

    am i being very selfish to judge him??

     

     

     

     

     

    #375916
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    Welcome back! “Is it only a bad time in his life or are these the pattern..? am I being very selfish to judge him??”-

    – No, it is not a matter of him having a bad time in his life, it is a  matter or the patterns of his behavior/ a matter of his poor character: he is irresponsible and he takes advantage of other people. He complains to other people about his problems because he wants other people to take responsibility for his problems. For example, he complained to you about his financial problems because he wanted you to take responsibility for his financial problems, and you did: you left him money and sent him more later.

    It is a dishonestly manipulative strategy that works for him when the other person (you, in this case) tends to feel guilty and responsible for other people’s problems.

    “am I being very selfish to judge him??”- no, you are being selfish to correctly evaluate him as an irresponsible and dishonestly manipulative person, and prevent him from further taking advantage of you. It has been selfish of him to take advantage of you

    I am sorry that you met another man who does not deserve your love and care.

    anita

    #375919
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you so much for your reply.

    what should i do in this situation ?

    he is very sweet and kind ..i feel he has a beautiful heart…i dont want to hurt him ..

    i also dont understand .how he is so normal in this situation ..he is talking still very nicely, kin.how can sombody who comes to know about deportation news be so normal…

    u think if this relationship worth my time and energy? i cant think clearly as i m emotionally involved.

     

     

     

     

     

    #375921
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    You are welcome. First, I want to correct what I wrote to you earlier: “no, you are not being selfish to correctly evaluate him as an irresponsible and dishonestly manipulative person, and prevent him from further taking advantage of you”.

    You asked how can he sound so normal after receiving bad information regarding being deported: well, it may be a lie that he is about to be deported. He may have made it up so that you will send him more money for supposed legal fees he has to pay to fight deportation. I wrote to you that he is “dishonestly manipulative”, meaning that he may lie to you, so that you will send him money.

    Don’t assume that what he tells you is true.

    Being “sweet and kind” can also be part of his dishonest manipulation: if he talks sweetly and kindly to you, then you are likely to feel sorry for him and send him money. If he behaved bitterly and rudely to you- you will not feel sorry for him, and you will not make you want to send him money. Do you see my point?

    anita

    #375922
    Peace
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita,</p>
    I got your point here but how could a person be 24/7 available nd sweet nd telling me he loves me misses me all the time… Doesn’t it mean he loves me?? He almost contacts me after 1-2 hours directly video call…and these video calls goes very long…

    On the other hand if he is only after money he wouldn’t be with a girl who is financially not so good for 3 years “in long Distance *

    Nd i sent him money even before  visiting him.. And then when i went to visit he dint have money too…

     

    .. Now days i feel its too much and get distracted alot by these sweet calls..

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Peace.
    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Peace.
    #375925
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    “how could a person be 24/7 available and sweet and tell me he loves me, misses me all the time.. Doesn’t it mean he loves me??”-

    – being available 24/7 to you means that he is not busy otherwise: that he is not studying or working much, so he has a lot of available time.

    – Telling you that he loves you and misses you doesn’t take much time or effort to do. Try it yourself: say out loud the words I-love-you, I-miss-you. How much time and effort did it take you, and did it cost you any money to say these words?

    Here is what I suggest: tell him that you will not be sending him any more money (and make sure that you do not!) then see if he bothers to be there 24/7 for you and tell you sweet things.

    (I will be away from the computer for a couple of hours).

    anita

    #375953
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for your reply..

    But i feel as if i dint explain you in proper way what i meant by these “bad timing or patterns” or “judging him “…

    I meant these more in repetitive “irresponsible and careless behaviour”  and “taking wrong decisions” and depending too much on others for their opinion or support “..and i gave u few examples after observing his problem…

    My observation was that, He doesnt take things seriously and acts lazy..take some very poor decisions which made him financially broke and in trouble ( example was consequences of deportation, as he dint even inform the foreign office about his address + if they were nt responding, he was too lazy to go there ask about his visa status, or email them ) and he hires a lawyer for visa issue.. I m still confused what will lawyer do to extending a student visa???

    .. According to him.. His situation isn’t changing.and he is always left with no money… Because all goes to rent etc..

    My observation is that he is doing nothing to change this apart from complaining..

    If i go through same situation financially broke like him abroad i will go crazy become mentally disturbed..

     

    Me helping him financially was one time help from me… He never asked for that but i felt i should be doing and i would even do it for a friend or stranger.. If i see someone i cant help myself…

     

    Are these some real problem?

    Because he is otherwise a sweetheart… Always loving caring, sweet… But i m very turned off by his these issues..

    Should i be more supportive?? Or should i move on.. Do u think if my future with this “long distance lover”  can be full of mess.

     

     

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by Peace.
    #375955
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    I am pleased to read this: “Me helping him financially was one time help from me”!

    “Should I be more supportive?? Or should I move on.. Do you think.. my future with this ‘long distance lover’ can be full of mess”?- yes, I think that a relationship with him is likely to be full of mess because he is a mess: “he is doing nothing to change this apart from complaining”.  You can be more supportive of him as long as you don’t send him money, you can be supportive by telling him something like: I hope you do what it takes to change your situation, I hope that you make the right choices for yourself!

    “he is otherwise a sweetheart”- you need a man in your life who is responsible, a man who is doing what can be done to solve problems in his life, and better yet- to prevent problems from happening.

    anita

     

    #375987
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    How are you? Hope you doing great..

    I want to be supportive to him but i dont know why i m so disappointed and turned off..i dont enjoy talking to him or receiving his calls. I m feeling guilty about it for that

    This  reaction of mine is upsetting me as well as i dont want to hurt him  Yes he loves me alot… He cares for me. He want to see me smiling, happy try to make me laugh… 24/7 romantic..but irresponsible.. Does for a loving relationship all these romantic things are enough?? Like being sweet, saying sweet things, texting, video calling, saying miss you nd love you… Will these stuff be enough for our for our happy future life? Or is marriage more than such words, affection??

    Or am i wasting my time once again??

    As i m mid of 25 years old its is the time when we get pressure to get marry…

    And start to recieve proposals.. I got one very good proposal last month through a friend who is in uk.. But i rejected it but without giving it any thought, i rejected it as i thought i have bf … I told my bf abt proposal he got very upset.. I asked him to talk to his mom about our proposal he said he will do in 2-3 days.. And till today i got 0 update about this..ths happend 2 more times… He says something but doesnt happen…

     

    On the other hand a guys asked me that he is interested to know me as he is finding someone for marriage, and wanna see if there is any compatibility between us , if its okey for me?( as he doesnt know that i have a long distance bf nor i told him that ). I still dint reply him and i dont knw what to say.. This guy is of  my same caste and working here in another city 20 – 30 mints away from me..he helped me by being my sponsor ( he issued for me a letter of sponsorship)  for my visa, as my visa officer was very rude and making alot of troubles and wasnt accepting my work contract and almost 6k euro blocked bank amount.. He saved me in that situation. I met him twice Wht i know that he is straight forward men..

    What will be best to do in this situation?

    Keep supporting my bf and continue the relationship.. May be things gets better?

    Or choose to know the other guy?

    I will  be waiting for your reply and will really appreciate it anita.

     

    Peace

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #375991
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    I am fine, thank you!

    “he loves me a lot.. He cares for me. He want to see me smiling, happy (to) try to make me laugh… 24/7 romantic… but irresponsible… Does for a loving relationship all these romantic things are enough?? Like being sweet, saying sweet things, texting, video calling, saying miss you and love you… Will these stuff be enough for our happy future life?”-

    – no, it will not be enough for a happy future life just as it is not enough for you at the present time. Because it is not enough to make you happy now (when you are living separately from him, with a separate bank account, no children together), there is no reason to think that it will make you happy in the future when living together with him, having joined finances and maybe children together.

    Living together with him with joined finances means that there will be more opportunities for you to get hurt by his irresponsibility. If you were to have children with him, your children too will get hurt.

    “is marriage more than such words, affection??”- yes, marriage is a lot more than words and expressed affection: marriage is about two individuals working together like a team, both being responsible. If in a marriage you have a job and when you are home, you clean and cook etc., and he sits at home, enjoying your work, (1) you will not have the time and peace of mind to enjoy his sweet words: you will be working too hard and too long, worrying about money, etc., (2) you will feel anger at him for not helping you, and for not following up on what he tells you (“He says something but doesn’t happen”).

    “am I wasting my time once again??”- I think so. I am sorry.

    “I got one very good proposal last month through a friend who is in UK. But I rejected it.. as I thought I have bf… On the other hand, a guy asked me that he is interested to know me as he is finding someone for marriage…. it’s okay for me?… What will be best to do in this situation”-

    – it is okay for you to consider proposals for marriage. I suggest that you (1) let your long distance, sweet-talking boyfriend know that the long-distance relationship is over, and (2) that you consider getting to  know the man you mentioned/ other men as candidates for marriage, but get to know them for a long time non-sexually.

    “Keep supporting my bf and continue the relationship.. May be things get better? Or choose to know the other guy?”- you already know the guy you refer to as your boyfriend, and what you know indicates that he is a bad candidate for marriage. There is no reason to think that he will change in the ways you wish he would change. Get to know a new  candidate for marriage, maybe the new candidate is responsible and follows through with what he says: when he tells you that he will do something- he does his best to make it happen.

    anita

    #376081
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    As you wrote “I suggest that you (1) let your long distance, sweet-talking boyfriend know that the long-distance relationship is over, and (2) that you consider getting to  know the man you mentioned/ other men as candidates for marriage, but get to know them for a long time non-sexually.”

    I want to act upon your advice but i m so hurt myself even though em unhappy but i dont want to hurt him… My this Cold reaction toward my bf is just hurting him and i m also hurt… I feel like i m very disturb i start crying and want to cry by thinking how can i hurt someone feelings who apparently haven’t done any thing wrong ….just irresponsible and lazy and this long distance…

    On the other hand i dont want to betray him/ cheat by knowing the other guy even non-sexually.. I m not good at lying and hiding things…

    I m stuck and don’t knw how to to what i should do…

     

    #376082
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    I understand your difficulty. You asked: “how can I hurt someone’s feelings who apparently haven’t done any thing wrong.. just irresponsible and lazy”- when he is irresponsible to you, telling you that he will do something that needs to be done, but then he does not do it: it is a wrong doing on his part. He gave you his Word and broke his word to you repeatedly- that’s something wrong that he has done to you repeatedly.

    I did not suggest that you end contact with him for the purpose of hurting his feelings, but for the purpose of you having a better life yourself (after you no longer feel so guilty, that is).

    As I wrote in the opening of this post, I understand your difficulty. I hope you overcome it. I don’t know if he will be as hurt as you think he will be. His life will not change much if you end contact with him: he will still be in the same situation he is now.

    anita

    #376111
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    I’ve read your previous thread, from 7 months ago, and there’s one thing that stood out: that you’re very susceptible to the social/cultural pressure to get married, and also about “what the people will say” (e.g. you felt uncomfortable when your previous boyfriend would stay with you on the weekends, and you weren’t married). So, perhaps the greatest dilemma is – do you want to follow tradition and indeed get married as soon as possible, because that’s what’s expected from you, or you want to give yourself time to meet the right guy – someone whom you really like and respect and feel you can rely on?

    It seems you feel pressured to decide ASAP, and that’s why are now pressuring your current boyfriend to come up with a marriage proposal, which he’s reluctant to (“I told my bf abt proposal he got very upset.. I asked him to talk to his mom about our proposal he said he will do in 2-3 days.. And till today i got 0 update about this..“) It’s good he’s reluctant, because he doesn’t seem like someone you could rely on, and he would probably cause you great pain and frustration in a marriage.

    However, an even bigger problem, in my opinion, is the need to rush things and then get completely lost and don’t know what you really want for yourself. You seem to be an intelligent, independent woman, who can take care of herself very well financially. You’re also a very kind person, willing to help others. You don’t need to rush to marry someone just because it’s expected from you. You need time to get to know the person and see if you like them, and even see how they behave in various life situations.

    So my advice is think about what you really want for yourself, and if expectations and other people’s opinions are more important than your own long-term happiness.

    #376112
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Teak and Dear Anita,

    Anita “He gave you his Word and broke his word to you repeatedly- that’s something wrong that he has done to you repeatedly”

    yes Anita that true its wrong thats why i am so turned off by this .and you are right ..may be my ending contact with him doesnt effect him much ..as i m thinking ..I am trying to communicate to him ,he already knows that my feelings changed for him now..i m trying to communicate to him in better way and trying to overcome this and let it go as soon as possible ..

     

     

    sorry this post is going to be long .

    Teak wrote “do you want to follow tradition and indeed get married as soon as possible, because that’s what’s expected from you.”No.I dont really wanna follow tradition and marry ASAP but i also dont want to waste my time, emotions and Energy on wrong person.”Or you want to give yourself time to meet the right guy – someone whom you really like and respect and feel you can rely on?” YES .i really wanna take my time to meet the right guy and know him very well before going ahead..

    and thank you so much for your advice ..i m thinking about it ..

    about my EX.relationship :(from thread)

    i met him on 3rd to 4th meeting i started to have doubts about the person as he was just talking all about himself all the time but i ignored all my  my gut feelings ..yes i felt ashamed, of him being there at my place most of time whenever he is free ..staying nights weekends and talking on first date about marriage ..etc ..but hesitating to take stand for me , when i was being pressured from home ..

    in my last relationship (which was described in 7 months ago thread) i was carrying alot of baggage of my previous (toxic relationship) which made me insecure ,doubted my self worth, where a father of two sons ,10 years older than men (my ex) calling  me names Prostitute , Gold Digger , made me financially broke, harrassed and blackmailed me , threatend to destroy me  ..called my friends and saying that i m Prostitute  and was torturing me in any or every way ..he was/is a jerk and i became insecure that any guy is ready to sleep with me but when it comes for commitment / taking Stand  no Guy will do ..may be these all experiences made me feel like or let me act the way i was acting being pressured to be in a marriage etc ..

    but eventually i realized that no i dont really just want a marriage .i want to be happy ,heard ,seen in relationship and broke up with him (before 7 months thread related ex.bf)..

    Now about current Situation:” I got one very good proposal last month through a friend who is in uk.. But i rejected it but without giving it any thought, i rejected it as i thought i have bf … I told my bf about proposal he got very upset.(here i referred the proposal which came for me ) So I asked him to talk to his mom about our proposal he said he will do in 2-3 days.. And till today i got 0 update about this..ths happend 2 more times”

    and he was getting upset for any proposal which was coming for me and my saying to him was, its normal as i m in that Stage of my life.

    As i m not the same me to him from last few days or week so i got response before 2 days from him  that he sent my picture to his mom.

    in this long distance relationship i just met once before two months (non-sexual)  but we were communicating all the time for hours and i felt everything is great .i saw the very first red sign when he claimed he will do something -he gave me surety and asked me to “dont worry “it will be done and he will take care of it .. after 3-4 weeks  it couldnt be done and his reaction was very normal ,no further efforts and very cold reaction ..in those 3-4 weeks i was asking about updates that a bit important for me and that was first time i gave him something to take care or he claimed to do ..

    this happend again ..

    and again about talking to mom ..

    i started thinking what if he just good at talking and when it comes to do something he isnt doing anything..than i started to observe his messy circumtances i saw the same .. his financial issues , education problem and visa issue it all created by delaying to act …being irresponsible and not caring at all ..it was a pattern of irresponsible behaviours and depending on others ..

    i got disappointed and emotionally hurt and i started turning off  that he gives his words but no action.

    “thats why i wrote in my first post , am i judging him ?? or are these bad timing or patterns??

    i am a human being its possible i can be  wrong here about this ..and many more but patterns dont lie ..

     

    i will really appreciate your Reply and your thoughts about all the situation..

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by Peace.
    #376114
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    you’re welcome. It’s good to hear that you value yourself and your own happiness more than other people’s expectations. I am sorry you had such a horrible experience with that divorced man (I guess?), father of two sons, who called you names and threatened you. As a result, you were keen to receive a certain guarantee from your previous boyfriend (also divorced, who still had obligations towards his ex wife and child, and was unwilling to marry you).

    You said the toxic boyfriend made you financially broke, the next one had financial issues too (had to pay for the house for his ex wife and child), and your current boyfriend has money problems too. I actually see a pattern there – perhaps these men are attracted to you because you’re independent, have a job, a decent salary – in other words, you can help them financially (and are willing to do so, because you feel sorry for them).

    I am not saying these three men are the same, because the first sounds pretty scary, while the other two boyfriends seem more normal. But all of them had financial issues and needed your help, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. What do you think?

     

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by TeaK.
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