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  • #376351
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    Anita might be unto something when she says your mother might have not protected you enough. How did she react when your siblings were teasing you, or when your cousins insulted you? For example, you said one of your cousins told you to stay at home when you were 11 years old. You father had already started showing symptoms of dementia at that time, so I assume he didn’t intervene much? What about your mother? How did she react to this cousin harassing you and telling you to stay at home?

    Another problem I see is that until you were 9-10 years old, you father was working all day long and didn’t participate in your upbringing too much. Later, as you entered puberty, he started getting more and more ill and incapacitated to be there for you. Instead, there were numerous male cousins who sort of started taking the role of your father in “guiding” you, but actually they insulted you, humiliated you, tried to control you, and showed zero appreciation for you. Where was your brother in this whole picture? Was he old enough to be a positive influence on you, or he joined your cousins in mocking you?

    I imagine this is what led you to miss the presence of a healthy, supportive father figure. And if your mother wasn’t strong enough, or it wasn’t culturally appropriate that she protect you from your male cousins, then of course, you would suffer a lot and long for a man who would love you and protect you. That could be why you got involved with a man much older than you when you were only 15 years old. But he wasn’t too interested in you either, he wouldn’t even touch your hand when you tried to touch his.

    Later, in Germany, you felt freer and started exploring relationships with men, but they all ended badly. You rushed from one relationship into another, and the reason is probably that you craved man’s love and presence so much, that you felt you couldn’t do without it. Also note that you were attracted to men older than you (all except your current boyfriend). So you crave the love of a mature man. Two of your ex boyfriends actually have children of their own.

    This all tells me that the pain and the craving for love is related to a missing father figure. Probably your mother couldn’t fill that role, or wasn’t even supposed to, due to cultural limitations? You received a very negative message from men in your early life (your male cousins, possibly your brother too) – basically that you’re unlovable and worthless. That makes you long for a man who’d finally tell you you’re lovable and valuable to them.

    How does all this sound to you?

    #376358
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace/Princess123:

    In this post, I will not ask you any questions, but offer you general information (not specific to you), followed by personal comments and suggestions that I hope will be helpful to you. It will be a long post, so take your time reading it when you have the time and patience.

    Here is what you wrote some time earlier: “I am coming from a family or society where having relationships is okay, but having romantic, and sexual contact are sin… I am a Muslim… I live here (Germany) without my family or anyone else”. It seems like most, if not all of your boyfriends have been Muslim.

    Wikipedia on “Islam in Germany” states that in Germany, the Protestant and Roman Catholic religions are the major religions, and that Islam is the largest minority religion in the country. It was estimated that in 2015 there were about 4.5 million Muslims in Germany, of which close to 2 millions were German citizens. According to a 2019 statistical count, there are close to 440,000 people from countries with a Muslim majority in Berlin alone. Most Muslims in Germany have roots in Turkey, followed by Arab countries (Egypt, Sudan, Algeria, Iraq, and many more), former Yugoslavia, Afghanistan and Iran, as well as other parts of the world. Most Muslims live in former West Germany, including West Berlin. Of the over 1.2 asylum seekers arriving in Germany mid-2000s to 2016, most (900,000) were Muslim.

    Wikipedia, on Islamic sexual jurisprudence, states: “In Islam, prohibitions against extramarital sex are strong.. Marriage and concubinage are permitted sexual relationships” (concubinage, Arabic surriyya, is “a slave-woman with whom her master engaged in sexual relations”).

    “In these permitted relationships (marriage and concubinage), there are also some limitations.. a man should not have intercourse during his wife’s menstrual and afterbirth periods. He is also considered to be sinning when penetrating anally”.

    According to Islam, “a woman should not travel except with a Dhu-Mahram.. and no man may visit her except in the presence of a Dhu-Mahram”. A Dhu-Mahram is the woman’s husband, if she is married, or a male family member like her brother (not a cousin!). In other words, traditionally, an unmarried woman is not supposed to get out of her home alone, but with a male protector who is a trusted family member.

    About unmarried Muslims having sex/ zina= fornication: “Islamic law prohibits sexual relations as zina.. male and female fornicators are to be flogged one-hundred times. According to Hadith, married male and female fornicators are to be stoned to death”

    “Prostitution is banned in Islam.. (it) is haraam. If any does this then he shall be stoned to death”,  “Rape is considered a serious sexual crime in Islam… Under Islam, sexual intercourse is regarded as a loving act within marriage and should only be by mutual consent”.

    Elsewhere (virginity now. com/ virginity in Islam answers for a Muslim): “Virginity in Islam is very important. It is asked of women to remain chaste and righteous and lose virginity only on her wedding night.. Premarital or extramarital sex is forbidden to all… Virginity in Islam is reflected as a sign of chastity, innocence, and morality. In most of the Islamic cultures, virginity is considered a subject matter of honor for the family… a torn hymen can bring shame to the Muslim woman, her family and also to the family of her husband”.

    And now, my comments with more information: the reason I brought up all of the above is not because I would like to promote women’s virginity, or for women not leave the home unaccompanied by a Dhu-Mahram, or to be flagged or stoned! I brought up all of the above because you are a Muslim woman living away from her family, in a European country within a Muslim community, interacting with Muslims.

    If you were a single woman living in a progressive society where women are valued as equal to men, you could perhaps live a life of a modern woman, free to engage with men as she wishes, but living in a conservative community where women are devalued and where men consider single unprotected young women easy sexual prey-  requires different choices and behaviors than what you practiced so far.

    Muslim men were once Muslim boys and teenagers who were taught by their parents, families and society that they are to marry virgin women who will not dishonor their families. What boys are being taught early on in life is very powerful. The fact that those grown boys are men living in a European country does not change the power of these early-life teachings, especially when a Muslim man’s socialization is within the Muslim community.

    There may be exceptional Muslim men with progressive attitudes, but overall, it is extremely unwise for a single Muslim woman to have pre-marital sex with a Muslim man within the Muslim community: it is a breeding ground for disrespect and abuse by the man (and by others in the community), which is what you experienced with the Muslim refuge you lived with for six months, a man who called you a prostitute and who suggested to bring men to your apartment to have sex with you for money.

    After you broke up with that abusive man, you agreed to have a relationship with his long-time male friend who told you that he will marry you. But he had no such intention, his only intention was to have sex with you. You invited him to spend the night with you in your apartment, but was surprised that he pressured you to have sex with him. When you resisted his pressure, he told you (paraphrased): how come you had sex with my friend, but you won’t have sex with me?

    He too disrespected you, and neither he nor his friend, the one you lived with, were likely to marry you. (Nor would I have wanted you to marry either one of them).

    I don’t know how it happened, that out of a family of nine siblings, you being the youngest of all, came to live in a foreign country alone, by yourself, within a Muslim community, without guidance or protection. I do not understand how it can be that none of your eight older siblings, and none of your other family members, was worried about the fate of their youngest sister living by herself among men, particularly Muslim men. It is  dangerous for a young woman to be in this setting because Muslim men devalue a woman who will have sex before marriage, and therefore, are more inclined to abuse her.

    dw. com/ en/ germany 1 woman per hour is victim of domestic violence, (no spaces): “Germany: 1 woman per hour is victim of domestic violence: Rape, coercion or even forced prostitution: More than 114,000 women were abused by their partner or ex-partner in Germany last year, according to new figures released on International Day Against Violence Against Women.. in 2018. Of these victims, 122 were killed that year- one every three days”.

    My suggestion: find a counseling service for women within the university you attend, and/ or elsewhere. Better, find a counseling service specific to Muslim women in Germany.

    This website from 2008 may be current and helpful: womens e news. org/ 2008/ german counseling center wraps counseling in faith (no spaces). It reads: “Women’s centers in Germany that cater to Muslims provide counseling for domestic and religious issues… Becker, 67, a German who converted to Islam 45 years ago, has helped women with crisis of sexuality, faith and abusive relationships”.

    This website may be helpful: social science works. org/ muslim women in germany a look at gender inequality and integration. It seems to refer to Muslim women who arrived to Germany as asylum seekers, and it mentions (I added the bold feature) what I referred to earlier, in this post, as your challenge: a single Muslim woman living in a Muslim community. It reads: “do Muslim women need to be saved? I believe the answer should be affirmative… While fleeing to Germany might have saved them from war, so far it did not always save them from suffering severe inequality within their communities“.

    anita

    #376374
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Anita and Teak,

     

    thank you so much for your posts ..i was reading and rereading them from last few days( because of my exams couldnt reply immediately ),and rethinking about all the situation in my childhood and most importantly this “Virgin” topic and those all unpleasant past (relationship) which disturbed me for long time and from last years i was working on  my self because this  topic”Virgin” makes me feel very worthless, insecure and the thoughts start coming “no men will ever accept me and many more” and” i should better compromise and marry any one who is ready for me ”  but then i think “No i am more than “a piece of hymen ” and not a piece of meat to be with someone (who can just have sex in the name of marriage)”..may be i cant describe those negative feelings and thoughts which comes in my mind ..

     

    As anita asked:

    “she protected you from the bone in the fish, but she did not protect you from.. anything or anyone else, did she?

    You did not share a single word that she ever told you.”

    So yes  Anita , you reconized correctly ..my mom is a very quiet person .we dint talk much.i dont remmenber her talking to me or her guiding me because she doesnt talk much.when i was a child she was very busy doing houshold or going out to buy things for siblings  or taking guests to hospitals (who came from village ).i remember i used to come from school at 5pm and she wasnt there at home ..or many times i was left at home with my siblings who would tease me .one insulting than the other by beating or slapping .may be she did but i dont remmember anything even we dont talk much now i call home to talk to her we just ask “how are you?” , “what are you doing ?” “what did u cook?”  but i miss her and care for her alot..we cant talk more 2 mints ..

    Teak asked:

    “What about your mother? How did she react to this cousin harassing you and telling you to stay at home?”

    i dint tell her i dint tell anyone .i was scared that may be i m wrong to go out..and i was scared that if i tell my elder sisters they would never support me . they will say i was wrong because in my culture no matter what , “elders are always right ” like my cousin who asked me to stay home.i also experienced sexual abuse from a men who lives near to my area but i never had this gut to share with them ..AND most interestingly when i first got my periods ,i had no idea about that ,i was confused and scared ..during this time , my sister called me i was very afraid to go to her..i thought may be i did something horrible thats why i m bleeding and even though i knew i did nothing but i was scared that no one believe me.

    i dint share anything to anyone because no one was ready or interested to talk to a child .i dint share what was happening in school.if i got slapped by any cousin i would just say nothing and go with teary eyes in a corner to weep..while writing now i cant stop my tears by remembering all those things again..

    peace

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by Peace.
    #376376
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    I read your recent post and am touched by a lot of what you shared. I want to write more later, when I am back to the computer and feeling rested. It may be in a few hours or as long as in 16 hours from now. I hope teaK replies to you before I return.

    anita

    #376377
    Peace
    Participant

    dear teak,

    Where was your brother in this whole picture? Was he old enough to be a positive influence on you, or he joined your cousins in mocking you?

    my brother was also young and very busy in his own life ,like going out with friends ,he had different school, i remember once he took stand for me when some neighbours boys making fun/bullying  me (my nose) ..i used to think i m very ugly in childhood and used to cry for that  ..but now i dont think i m ugly but” i feel i m beautiful” and many people said i m beautiful.

     

     

    #376381
    Peace
    Participant

    dear anita,

    have some good rest

    peace

    #376382
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    now it’s getting clearer to me why you were so unhappy in childhood – your mother was too busy with various chores and was a type of person who didn’t say much. It seems like she didn’t ask you too many questions either, e.g. she didn’t inquire how was school, or what’s up, neither did she notice if you felt disturbed or sad about something. Probably that’s why you never had the urge to go to her to complain or confide in her when you had a problem. You didn’t tell her about your period either, neither did you dare to mention the sexual abuse when it happened to you. You had to carry a very big burden by yourself, and it appears that your mother didn’t show too much interest in you and your feelings. Although she didn’t criticize you, she was actually emotionally distant – it was a sort of emotional neglect.

    This probably happens quite frequently in big families like yours, but still, you didn’t get the care, attention and protection (and guidance) a child should get. I can imagine you didn’t feel important enough to even bother your mother (or your father) with your problems, did you? You didn’t feel seen and you didn’t feel worthy to be seen either. And this is why you prayed to God to die, it was so unbearable for you.

    To be honest, when you first told about your parents – that they were loving and haven’t criticized you – I didn’t understand how come then you had such a hard time as a child. But now I understand – it wasn’t emotional abuse, but emotional neglect. Perhaps if you had been more demanding, your mother would have paid more attention to you. But you were sensitive, you rather withdrew and suffered in silence, because you believed you don’t have the right to demand attention.

    All this explains why you’re longing for attention now – you are longing for someone to see you and “mirror” you, to understand you, to be there for you. You said in one of your earlier posts that you wanted from a man to “take a stand for you” (“i feel like no one will ever accept me as a partner everyone will come to pass their time but none will ever take a stand for me“). Your mother, and it appears your father too, never took a stand for you. Never even asked you how you’re doing and what you’re feeling. Never noticed that you’re hurting. You don’t want to go through the pain alone any more, so you’re looking for a man to be there for you. But until you learn to be there for yourself and soothe yourself, no one will be able to give it from the outside.

    I think you should find a counselor to work on the sexual abuse trauma, and also to help you heal emotional neglect. So you can be whole within yourself and be able to soothe yourself, without looking for a man to soothe you (which always ended up badly so far). If I were you, I would focus on my healing, I wouldn’t engage in relationships with men for now, because you always end up hurting afterwards. Try to put aside for now the pressure to get married and the whole issue of being a virgin. You need to first find yourself and own yourself, before you can enter in a healthy relationship with a man.

    Once you heal, you’ll be able to attract more balanced and emotionally mature men, who will appreciate you for who you are as a person, in your entirety, and won’t see you as a piece of meat or a piece of hymen, as you said. The process of healing and self-discovery may take a while, even a few years, but it’ll be worth it, because the benefits and consequences will be for a lifetime…

     

     

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by TeaK.
    #376385
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    I am sorry that you suffered as much as you have so far in life. I too suffered as a child, and when I was your age.. and many years later. Much of my suffering as an adult was not necessary: if I made different choices, I would have prevented a lot of my suffering. I would like you to make choices that will prevent you from suffering even more than you have so far.

    You are way more than “a piece of hymen”, way more than “a piece of meat”- don’t ever again let a man treat you like a piece of meat, to use and abuse you for his sexual pleasure. This is not your purpose in life!

    The current long-distance man who you are afraid to hurt… let him go. He is not your son- someone you are responsible for, he is not your responsibility, and he is not your solution or salvation. Your responsibility, your solution/ salvation is the exams in front of you, the education you need to complete, the career ahead of you!

    anita

    #376475
    lucille
    Participant

    Relationships are the most complicated fact of our lives, if not cared! Its more about understandings than sacrifices.

    #377122
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Anita ,

    Sorry ..as i had exams  i couldnt write  back sooner.

    “The current long-distance man who you are afraid to hurt… let him go. He is not your son- someone you are responsible for, he is not your responsibility, and he is not your solution or salvation.“

    actually i let him go before my exams (2 -3 weeks before)…i told him that i m turned off and i m not feeling those feelings anymore ..it was very awkward ..i was weeping he was weeping ..he said he wants to send proposal now..but i denied as i wasnt feeling anything ..i consider him a good person .i like him but not in romantic way anymore ..

    but he is putting very emotional status after the breakup and yesterday he was blaming me for everything ..he was asking me “why did i do this to him ??” and he admits that he was irresponsible but how can i lose all feelings for him and pretend as if nothing happened  in these 2 months?? .. saying very emotional stuff  like” i ruined his life but he wants to see me happy “and putting emotional  stories on whatsapp ..telling me he cant stop crying ,he is very depressed ,everyone can see that , his mom is sad by knowing that he is very upset even yesterday he texted me by saying that his ex gf texted him and said him not to put such status… i asked him but why is he telling me all these stuff.??. or sending me picture of his hand while being injured at work ..i was feeling sad and disturb during exams with all these things .but from yesterday i m trying not to be much effected by this emotional stuff. i feel like he is exaggerrating things now . yes i understand its very difficult and he must be going through a painful phase ..i was hurting too but  how did i ruin his life ? i dint ..yes i was there and he was happy because i was the one who was there for him emotionally,financially ,as friend and as a lover for him in every way …talking to him such stuff.. i helped him financially ,even i m not asking for those money from him nor i have any intention in future to ask about them but again why is he making me feel bad as if i took his advantage in this long distance …

    as you wrote :

    “Your responsibility, your solution/ salvation is the exams in front of you, the education you need to complete, the career ahead of you!”

    this line really touched me and i understood it  fully and i was giving my 100% and now i m trying even harder to make a good career ..

    you also suggested me ,as you wrote : “I would like you to make choices that will prevent you from suffering even more than you have so far”.

    i understand from it that you are pointing my study and career ..or is there anything else in which i should make better choices ?? so that i dont suffer much in future..

    peace

     

     

     

    #377138
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    It is a pleasure for me to read your recent post, to read that you are giving your 100% to having a good career, and that you let the guy go before your exams.

    “yesterday he was blaming me for everything… saying very emotional stuff like ‘I ruined his life’.. telling me he can’t stop crying, he is very depressed, everyone  can see that, his mom is sad… why is he telling me all this stuff??”-

    – because he wants you to feel bad/ guilty, and that as a result of feeling guilty, you will renew the communication with him as a (long-distance) boyfriend. One of his motivations may be that he wants you to help him financially again.

    What he’s been doing is called guilt tripping. Merriam Webster, the dictionary, defines the term to guilt trip as: “to cause feelings of guilt in (someone): to try to manipulate the behavior of (someone) by causing feelings of guilt”.

    Wikipedia states about the term: “a special kind of intimidation tactic. A manipulator suggests to the conscientious victim that he or she does not care enough, is too selfish or has it easy. This usually results in the victim feeling bad, keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious and submissive position”-

    – he is the manipulator, and you are the conscientious victim.

    You wrote: “I feel like he is exaggerating things now”- I agree. Exaggerating things is part of his manipulative, intimidation tactic, meant to make you feel really bad, so that you doubt your decision to end the communication with him as a boyfriend, and in so doing, submit to his will.

    By having written to you that I would like you “to make choices that will prevent you from suffering”, I mean that you notice and then, do not give in to any man’s efforts to intimidate/ hurt you so that you do what he wants you to do, even though it’s bad for you to do so. This former (I hope!) long-distance boyfriend is an example of such a man: please do not submit to him!

    anita

     

    #377141
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Teak,

    thank you so much for reading my all those long post and trying to know my situation better.

    as you asked : I can imagine you didn’t feel important enough to even bother your mother (or your father) with your problems, did you? You didn’t feel seen and you didn’t feel worthy to be seen either. And this is why you prayed to God to die, it was so unbearable for you.

    i dont remember going to my mom and telling her my problems ..all the bullying, or teasing from anyone ..i actually couldn’t communicate..i remember when i was very sensitive ..for example :if someone asked me about anything ,my eyes would just  fill full of tears …

    Actually i feel you are right here “so you’re looking for a man to be there for you. But until you learn to be there for yourself and soothe yourself, no one will be able to give it from the outside.” i feel there was a lacking in my childhood ,i dint recieve enough affection ,love ,being seen or heard in my childhood thats why i craved for these things automatically i got attracted when someone showed love ,respect toward me ..and i couldnt help myself ,without having any experience i started pleasing those people who showed me abit of love ..

    i dont know how/where to find a counselor for my trauma’s  ,if i can find someone here in germany who i can afford.. but i want to be whole  .and thats why i m just trying to love myself and push myself,motivating my self.. i think i have learnt alot from my experiences but there is more to learn …

     

     

    #377190
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    I hope you are okay. I don’t know if you noticed that I submitted a post to you yesterday, right before you submitted your most recent post. Also, I am hoping that your most recent post will be noticed and that you receive a reply for it.

    anita

    #377194
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    it’s so good to hear from you! And so good that you decided to focus on your studies and leave your boyfriend. He unfortunately was one of those people who was good at telling you nice words, things you like to hear and that you crave for, but his actions actually showed his true character. Now it would be the best if you’d stay away from men for a while, and focus on your studies and on yourself, your own healing.

    You’ve already made the first step, and that’s the awareness of the problem: you’re aware why you’re attracted to men who flatter you and show interest in you – and that’s because you were emotionally neglected as a child. You felt all alone, abandoned, very insecure and fragile. You say you’d start crying when someone would simply ask you a question – so big was your sense of insecurity and perhaps inadequacy that you won’t know the answer…

    Anyway, until now you’ve been repeating those old patterns regarding men, but now you have the awareness why this was happening and that it was because of your core emotional needs weren’t met. There’s a book on emotional neglect, called “Running on Empty: Overcome your Childhood Emotional Neglect“, written by Jonice Webb. It talks about how emotional neglect happens, as well as how to heal it, i.e. how to practice self-care, self-soothing, how to pay attention to your emotions, how to trust your emotions etc. I believe it’s a very useful book, so you might give it a try, regardless of whether you find a counselor or not.

    The primary goal of your healing would be to meet those unmet emotional needs, either by yourself (with the help of the above book, for example), or by working with a counselor. What might also help is to buy yourself a doll, that represents you as a child, and talk to her every day, telling her you love her, brushing her hair, holding her. It might seem silly, but this is exactly what you might have been missing while growing up – that someone takes care of you, spends time with you, pays attention to your feelings. To compensate for that, you now become the good parent and care-taker for your inner child.

    Also, try to take up a hobby, something that you like and enjoy doing, so that the positive, creative, playful part of your inner child comes to the fore as well. The goal is to have fun, to enjoy like a playful, innocent child. Having a hobby will also help you to relax after your studies, so it’s a win-win goal 🙂

    Oh, and perhaps you can start a journal, where you’re writing everything and anything that comes to your mind, all your thoughts, feelings, hopes, desires… I believe it would be very useful in processing your emotions and even for self-soothing…

     

    #377205
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Anita ,

    i was reading about “Guilt Tripping” and you are right , he was using this to make me feel bad so that i start the relation with him.. to be honest it is very disturbing experience ..

    i dont know if i should write here about a flatmate 32, who is now a good and close  friend of mine ( we are working at same place ).he is very sincere, honest  ,helpful (helped me everytime even without asking fot it ,cares for me etc).who likes me and loves me and proposed me , which i rejected by saying that ” i like him (as a friend) but i have different caste and i love somebody else( my ex) ”  and he knew that because i used to talk to my now (ex) bf  ..

    things got better for sometime after the rejection, but now turning very ugly and complicated  from last month ..he cant sleep ,as a friend i asked him several times so he told me because his family want him to get marry and he is unhappy about it ..and then he told me ,he cant sleep because he thinks about me all the time.( i was feeling very bad).but still he wants to care about me ,do things for me ( which i dont like and i m just frustrated now ) and make me realize again and again that he loves me etc.. he propose me alot of time ..even when his family was searching for a girl he was taking sleeping pills …i talked to him and said u dont need to marry if u are not ready..he told me ,the only solution of his problem is “Me”,and if i marry him or run away  ..i took this as a joke (lightly )

    again he asked me , “run away with me “…”lets do court marriage and dont tell your family (no one will know  ) i rejected ” and was confused …even though he knew i like/love  someone ( he knows nothing about my breakup ,because i dint want to give him any false hope that i m single ) but still asking me such things … asked me alot of time about moving in togather ,even he knows i have bf and as a society  we are not allowed to live alone in an apartment..

    i decided to leave  job because i wanted to have some distance so that he can see me less and move on with his life ..i got new one easily so i told him, he wasnt happy about that .. he applied for same job and got rejected and applied again and than got accepted ..but later he was calling me Selfish ,and the person who does what best for me ,and he stated that i dont think about him…

    before 3 days i was just talking to him casually  about “Life in Abroad ” that i want to have good health ,study and financial situation during living here because these are very important ,if any one  is missing ,you will get disturb here(Germany) as a Student , and he again said , I can provide you all these things…

    i felt angry …and frustrated ..because i have been rejecting but again and again the same topic .and whenever i try to stay away, he is always there ..

    he made me feel very bad by saying he cares about me, but i dont, and i do everything ,what is good for me and that i only think about myself and he is only one who cares .

    he gets angry and rude sometimes and

    last week he acted  like he is my husband …i went to see a friend two days before and my ex started using emotional tripping …as i reached home i went to my room ( i was very sad ) ..thn this friend (flatmate) called me and was blaming me that why i dint knock his room to say” Hallo “(after arriving) and was telling me that he was making whole day for me a desert ,which i like but u dint even say me “Hi” and he dint eat anything apart from breakfast but i dint ask him ,if he has eaten anything ….i felt awkward .i told him” as i dint know who should i please  and whose expectation should i fullfill etc “…. and i stopped talking to him …As i cant take this “Good friend game ” anymore ..i feel like i m emotionally drained for being blamed ..as if i m the reason if my (ex) is sad and ruining his life and i m also the reason of this friends(flatmate ) sleepless nights..

    i just wanna go far away from him ..i searched a new accomodation for me and  he wants to shift there too…its getting very messy seriously..i cant ignore him as long as i m living in same apartment and doing same job…

    i know i have done few mistake by dealing with him..but Anita , is he also using Guilt tripping?? ,when he start making me realize that choosing a different job is a selfish act and he wouldnt have done that,or by saying he cares for me but i dont and he took hours to make a desert for me but i couldnt ask him if he has eaten something as a courtesy or by saying “Hi” ??? or he cant sleep nights  because he thinks about me all the time ….or he will marry anyone who his family will choose ,without saying anything,or he left everything on God ,but than again asking me if i should run away with him and much more…

     

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by Peace.
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