April 4, 2021 at 2:22 pm #377212
You asked regarding this 32 year old flat mate: “is he also using Guilt tripping??”- yes, reads like he too is guilt tripping you. Lots of people guilt trip people who are inclined to accept blame and feel guilty.
It is a way to have power over another person.
A person who guilt trips another is not a “very sincere, honest” person, like you described him to be. You wrote that he loves you (“cares for me.. loves me”)- a person who guilt trips you wants to have power over you, and that is not caring and loving.
You wrote: “I have done few mistakes by dealing with him”.- was one of those mistakes having sex with him?
anitaApril 4, 2021 at 2:51 pm #377217TeaKParticipant
I too think your flatmate is guilt tripping you, and it seems to be common for all the men you were involved with. In their eyes, it’s always your fault that you want to leave them, as if it has nothing to do with their behavior. We’ve talked about it before – that when the child doesn’t receive love and attention, and is bullied or neglected, the child believes it’s their own fault. The child never blames the parents or care-takers, but themselves. That’s why you’re susceptible to blaming yourself and also to believing those who blame you.
You are not guilty for not liking and not accommodating to selfish people who’d try to use you this or that way. You have the right to dislike them and to protect yourself and separate yourself from them, both physically and emotionally. This flatmate is also a selfish, confused person, who doesn’t know what he wants and then is harassing you with his crazy proposals.
The best would be to find another flatmate ASAP, or move out and if you need a flatmate to share the costs, by all means find a woman! Don’t put yourself again in a situation where you have to share a flat with a man, and then suffer from any kind of harassment.
And remember: you aren’t guilty for wanting to be treated with dignity and respect, and for wanting to protect your boundaries!
April 4, 2021 at 2:59 pm #377219
- This reply was modified 6 days, 9 hours ago by TeaK.
No anita..i dint have sex, or kissed or hugged him ever.. But i feel i should have distanced myself t, when he first proposed me…April 4, 2021 at 3:07 pm #377220
I am glad to read this! Like TeaK just posted to you a little while ago: “Don’t put yourself again in a situation where you have to share a flat with a man, and then suffer from any kind of harassment”.
When you say No to a man, make it a strong No, and see that your behavior fits the No. Don’t give men double messages, a Maybe or a weak-no, followed by a maybe-yes, and so forth.
anitaApril 6, 2021 at 11:48 am #377291
Dear Teak and Anita ,
thank you for your thoughts about my this 32 year old flatmate.. i stopped talking to him and i m feeling lighter in (Peace) and less disturb as i was before .unfortunately i dint choose him as my flatemate i m moving out and going back to my country to visit my mom and hopfully in my next flat (in end of june) wont be sharing .
i want to share something which he said to me and that disturb me for days .. when he was mad at me ,he said once, He cares for me alot but he doesnt see the same care from me toward him and he believes in “Karma” ,he than said , Maybe one day you will meet someone who you will care alot and he wont care about you at all .. ( i felt bad and scared and guilty ) his these lines scared me but later i start thinking : if karma will hit me back because he cares for me and i dont ,than why was i suffering in past and unhappy in childhood whose karma was hitting me all those time, even i didnt hurt anyone back than .
thank you for recommending me the book ” Running on Empty” i have started reading it (as i m free after exams for a week) and i m finding it very interesting .as i can relate it alot..but what i feel after reading 95 pages out of 240 pages that my parents wasnt there emotionally for me .. i could relate to some stories like i never showed my school diary to my parents ,siblings nor any of my family …i dint get that emotional part of me in childhood ..it is a very good book i m gonna read it full and follow it, so that i can give my inner child (me) that emotional (love )support which she was missing and overcome that emotional neglect.
my now (ex) bf continuously trying to guilt tripp me but Fortunately i m not falling for it now and i m not Guilty ..
thank you Anita and Teak to letting me know that its okey to choose myself and my Peace without being guilty or feeling wrong ..
as Teak wrote: “You are not guilty for not liking and not accommodating to selfish people who’d try to use you this or that way. You have the right to dislike them and to protect yourself and separate yourself from them, both physically and emotionally. ”
i agree ..thats what i learnt from our conversations: if my mental health or myself get disturbed by someone or their actions , its okey to walk away without feeling guilty ..i m going to keep it very simple from now onwards by setting some boundaries .
PeaceApril 6, 2021 at 12:15 pm #377294
You are welcome. You felt scared and guilty after your flat mate told you what he told you because he tried to scare you and make you feel guilty and he succeeded for a while. He was angry at you for not (showing him more affection.. or for not having sex with him, I am guessing), so he intended to punish you by making you feel bad: scared and guilty.
He wanted you to suffer, and like you figured out, and I am using my own words here: you already suffered as a child even though you were completely innocent and had zero personal Karma that could justify your childhood suffering.
Yes, Peace, in regard to people who try to punish you and have power over you by making you feel badly (the flat mate, the ex, others in the future), please do “walk away without feeling guilty… keep it simple from now onward by setting some boundaries”!
anitaApril 7, 2021 at 4:20 am #377318TeaKParticipant
I am glad you like the book and that it’s helping you. And that you choose to protect your boundaries from now on, and not feel guilty when someone’s guilt tripping you. Also, it’s great to hear you’re moving to another apartment in the summer, away from your annoying flatmate. Really great news! Take care of yourself, and do keep in touch!
April 9, 2021 at 1:25 pm #377419
- This reply was modified 3 days, 19 hours ago by TeaK.
dear Anita and Teak ,
thank you ..you too take care of yourself …
will be in touch 🙂April 9, 2021 at 1:54 pm #377420
You are welcome, Peace, take care and be in touch!