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  • #382661
    Peace
    Participant

    A small update:

    as i mentioned about a Guy in my previous post i m quoting here :

    “On the other hand a guys asked me that he is interested to know me as he is finding someone for marriage, and wanna see if there is any compatibility between us , if its okey for me?( as he doesnt know that i have a long distance bf nor i told him that ). I still dint reply him and i dont knw what to say.. This guy is of  my same caste and working here in another city 20 – 30 mints away from me..he helped me by being my sponsor ( he issued for me a letter of sponsorship)  for my visa, as my visa officer was very rude and making alot of troubles and wasnt accepting my work contract and almost 6k euro blocked bank amount.. He saved me in that situation. I met him twice Wht i know that he is straight forward men..”

     

    so i m seeing ( trying to know him) from May this year almost 2 months ..we go out on weekends 1-2 times a week  and travel to other cities or countries , have some  coffee  / ice cream  , dinner. we spend time togather  we laugh ,tease each other and enjoy the  company and we like it .we are seeing each other in  non_sexual way ..we dint even kiss each other yet hahaha  ..we just hold each others hand when we go out …i dont invite him at my place nor does he..which i m liking it .. he is an introvert and it took him almost more than one month to hold my hand. he doesnt do all the sweet talks  but i see him doing the things which he should be doing ..and i really feel good inside and appreciate it .i like the consistancy and that i dont need to walk on egg shells while trying to talk to him or discuss to him something. he doesnt force me to do things which i cant do ..even while making plans he always ask me “when do you have time ? or if i m avaliable / or if possible than ” .. …i dont know why but i m feeling as if its right one this time ..its going slow but very calm as if there is no need to rush anything …i havent seen any such red flags yet ..

    what are your thoughts about this Anita ?

    #382663
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Anita ;

    oh i m sorry to hear about the heatwave .i dint hear about it .i hope you are doing good now .here ,where i m living the temperature is normal and cool almost raining all day long.

    Yes i would do that..hopfully i will get the appointment end of july.

    enjoy your walk 🙂

    its 23:20 pm here 8 july here and its 2pm ..interesting

     

    #382667
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    I am back from my walk and it was pleasant, thank you. Yes, you are 10 hours ahead of me. It is now Thursday July 8, 3:15 pm here, and Friday July 9, 1:15 am where you are (I hope you are asleep as I type this!). Good to read that the temperature are normal where you are at. I want  to read and reply to the post before the most recent after going over some of our communication in the previous pages. I will probably be back to your thread and reply further tomorrow when it is about 6 pm, Friday, your time.

    anita

    #382674
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    I didn’t need much time to re-read our previous communication. First, I was wrong: I didn’t count correctly (talking about “timing .. patterns”, from the title of your thread, lol): you are not 10 hours ahead of me, you are 9 hours ahead.

    It seems like you are still in a long-distance relationship with the same guy you shared about back in April, and you are seeing another guy since May this year: going to dinners, spending time together, “laugh, tease each other and enjoy the  company and we like it.. in  non-sexual way… we just hold each others hand when we go out “. He is interested in getting married, is of the same caste as you; he is respectful of you,  doesnt force you to do things, asks you: “When do you have time?”, and: Are you available?

    You feel calm around him, not as if you are walking on egg shells, neither one of you is rushing, and you ‘haven’t seen any such red flags yet”. You asked me: “what are your thoughts about this Anita?”

    I think that especially considering your prior experience with men, which we talked about- there is nothing more important for you, when it comes to a relationship with a man, than to be with a man who respects you on a regular basis, like this man does, so it seems. Nothing more important for you, in context of a relationship with a man, than being calm within the relationship.

    I suggest that you respect him too and tell him the truth about your existing long-distance relationship (or end that LDR and then- no need to tell him about a relationship that no longer exists), and that you and him, being honest with each other, respectful toward each other, talk about the possibility of moving forward in the direction of marriage.

    anita

    #382676
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    I am really glad to hear that you’re doing so well, both with your exams and in terms of relationship. As I understood, you broke up with your ex back in April, and have started seeing this other guy in May. Your relationship seems very healthy  – he respects you, doesn’t rush you, helps you when you needed it. You also say you don’t need to walk on eggshells around him, meaning you can be yourself around him, which is super important. And you feel peace and calm, as the relationship slowly unfolds… All in all, it does look promising and healthy, and I hope it stays that way and perhaps even evolves into marriage.

    #382685
    Peace
    Participant

    dear Anita  and Teak,

    thank you for your POSTs .

    “I didn’t count correctly (talking about “timing .. patterns”, from the title of your thread, lol): you are not 10 hours ahead of me, you are 9 hours ahead.”

    hahahha yes i too recounted ..it was less than 10 hours hahha.

    “It seems like you are still in a long-distance relationship with the same guy you shared about back in April”

    No i broke up with my LDR  in mid March during my exams as it was stressing me out and upset …and faced some emotional guilt tripping as he was blaming me for ruining his life …

    and than i took some time to process all those things because i was disturbed and  seriously emotionally numb for some weeks ..i wasnt ready to enter into anything new .than in April i decided to talk to this new guy as he was away for vacation  and started seeing him in May as he came back ..

    yes it feels right and he is very respectfull and not rushy at all …i dont second guess his words and actions which i used to do in previous relationship and i m not anxious this time ..he rarely say something romantic but when he says, i want to trust him because i feel he really meant that ..

    Regarding marriage i m little concerned now ..i think in my life there is always one or another problem regarding relationships haahha..after all those messy relationships i m also tired of dramas and very selective and judmental when it comes to relationship …i felt about this guy that may be he is right one for me ..i shared to my sis about him casually ,but she objected ..according to her this new guy’s grandfathers were outsiders (from other race ) before 200 years or more …even though he speaks our language , same culture ,same city  ,same religion, everything is same ..but when it comes to marriage they are not acceptable are not  really from our caste according to her ..and she passed a racist comment which hurted me …i told her i dont care about class or these sub classes neither should you …but her concern are “what people will say ?” because this society thinks these people are inferior even in 2021 … i dont care about this society because i have seen the double standard  and Fakness of this society already ..she advised me to not talk to him and find someone else because you have still time to find someone better  ..  i was so disappointed ..

    and to be honest i have seen these so called superior class of my caste here where i m locating   and these people have no ambition in life and mostly are refugees .they are doing nothing but taking social help every month because most of them dont even want to work because they think so highly of themselves and those so called people wants nothing but sex  or  harrassed or made my life miserable …

     

    this new Guy was a student here ,he came here completed his studies ..doing his job living a decent life ..he is respectful , wants something real  like marriage..helpful and cares for me , responsible we enjoy each others company and much more …

    its very strange that these all thing doesnt matter in our country just the caste matter …actually sub caste and caste of grandfathers  also matters …i told my sister on call that “we are racist ” because she was willing to go for my brother proposal outside of our caste ,when i asked her ” why are you going there ? they are not from our caste people  ” so she replied ” but they are beautiful they have colourful eyes etc… ”

    its strange …i know as i talk about marriage, there will be a huge drama there in my family everyone will have this objection  … but to be honest my family wont care in long run, they wont  ..only out of 9 sister only 1  (this)sister call me once or twice in a week other calls me or text me after months ..They all are busy in their own life .yes  my brother calls me mostly because i want to talk to my mother but she doesnt call me too  🙁 ..i even question myself , if they really care how am i doing here alone ….but i m sure they all wont be happy with this guy ..

    i m anxious about future and should i really be thinking about this caste issue ? i dont think it should matter ..

     

     

     

     

    #382686
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    Oh, good thing then, that you are no longer in that LDR.  About your sister: please do not listen to her at all. I trust your experience with the “so called superior class” of your caste in Germany: you described those experiences in your threads, including being sexually harassed and abused by those alleged superiors.

    Her concern is “What people will say?”- People are busy with their own lives. Once in a while, let’s say, this or that person thinks: oh, look at Peace, she married a man of a lower caste, shame on her.. and then they go back to their own lives. Yet, what they may think at this or that moment carries so much importance to your sister. When considering a man to marry, it is not people/ strangers who will be living with him, it will be you who will be living with him day in and day out, every night for years to come.

    “She advised me to not talk to him”- I advise you to not talk to her.

    “This new Guy was a student here, he came here completed his studies ..doing his job living a decent life ..he is respectful, wants something real  like marriage.. is helpful and cares for me, responsible, we enjoy each others company and much more …it’s very strange that these all thing doesnt matter in our country just the caste matter …she replied ‘but they are beautiful they have colorful eyes, etc.'”-

    – Your sister, and much of the society she is part of, values caste. In addition,  she values a person’s eye color. Caste and eye color are not a matter of personal/ individual choice, and do not at all indicate a person’s decent character. You value decent character: personal responsibility, respect, education, and hard work.

    Your sister can pursue what she values in her personal life; you need to pursue what you value in your personal life.

    “They all are busy in their own life.. I’m sure they all wont be happy with this guy”- they, your family members/ anyone who disapproves of your husband-to-be: they will not be living with him, they will continue to be busy with their own lives. Better you get busy with your own life, and choose the man who is right for you, because it is you (not them) will be living with him every day and every night.

    “I’m anxious about future and should I really be thinking about this caste issue ? I don’t think it should matter”- I agree, it should not matter to you.

    anita

    #382790
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita ;

    how are you ?

    thank you for your recent Post .it took me longer to write you back because of exams and job.

    as you wrote:

    “When considering a man to marry, it is not people/ strangers who will be living with him, it will be you who will be living with him day in and day out, every night for years to come.”

    thats soo true and thats  exactly what i told her when i first talked to her..and a  caste doesnt show that he is a nice  and compatible and vice versa .

    when i started to convince her by saying there is nothing upper or lower caste  by referencing those verses of Quran :

    “O mankind! We…made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise each other).” (The Qur’an 49:13)

    and . “All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab, nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black, nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action.” (The last Sermon of Prophet Muhammad SAW)..

    after my convincing  she wasnt objecting much but she discouraged me to date him by saying you still have  time to find somebody else and better ….”you are still not a burden to us to let you marry him” … i felt as if he isnt  a human being , if  his grand parents were from other race (mixed -African) …why is it so ? why are we so discriminated against people ,who are from other race/ culture?

    in my last LDR bf she dint even objected ..he was of my caste but couldn’t speak the language ..so i used to talk to him in other language other than my mother tongue ..he was student ,wasn’t independent and was  irresponsible, young and imature   but she liked him,she even agreed to talk to her  because he was handsome ,and from “Our Caste” …

    its soo strange ..actually i m not talking about my sis alone ..i m refering to a Society ,where having some good character doesnt really matter .one need to be handsome ,from same caste and have some money…nothing else matter …its very sad unfortunetly…

    now the thing is ..i m very uncomfortable / scared to even talk to my family about him because it makes me feel really upset by hearing all those caste issues and hearing that “Dint you find anybody else??  ”  ..blah blah blaa…

    i dont want to tell him that about the mentalitity of my family or these so called “Uppar caste” people because in any case i dont want to make him feel uncomfortable and discriminated … what will be the best way to go for a marriage in that case with least Drama..??as they are educated but still practice such old values ..

     

    PS:

    i thought i came in Europe i m atleast independent and can choose my partner wisely and my family are open minded but i feel they are not … i dont blame them for that because they still live in that society where (as you said) the values are very different ..

     

     

    #382797
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    I very much like the quote you provided of Prophet Muhammad: “All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action.”

    Introduction to Islam. org, reads that before Prophet Muhammad said the words quoted above, he said: “O People, listen well to my words, for I do not know whether, after this year, I shall ever be amongst you again. Therefore listen to what I am saying to you very carefully and TAKE THESE WORDS TO THOSE WHO COULD NOT BE PRESENT HERE TODAY”- so, you did, Peace, you brought his words to your thread for me and others to read, thank you.

    “Why are we so discriminate against people who are from other race/ culture?”- one simple answer is that people want to think highly about themselves and the easiest way to accomplish that for many (short term) is to think lowly about others.

    “I’m referring to a Society ,where having some good character doesn’t really matter. One needs to be handsome, from same caste, and have some money…nothing else matter”- for person X to detect and appreciate a strong, good character in person Y, person X herself needs to have a strong, good character. But when person X has a weak character, she is not able to detect or appreciate a good character in other people. Instead, she values and appreciates superficial things like looks, and things that don’t require a character, such as what a person is born into (caste, money).

    “What will be the best way to go for a marriage in that case with least Drama..??”-

    – Adhere to what you value: a strong, good character. Live your life according to your values, not according to your sister’s values. When you talk to your sister, repeat to her what you value, and agree to disagree with her, saying something like: that is what you believe, this  is what I believe, and that’s all there is to it. Don’t argue with her, keep a respectful tone, but live your life according to your values. Don’t submit to how she/ others like her want you to live your life.

    anita

    #383161
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita ,

    Thank you for your Time  and POST …i hope you are doing well..

    i read the most recent post and was also following some of other post from other members ..

    i still dint talk to my sister about him..

    “Peace, you brought his words to your thread for me and others to read, thank you.” i was very glad to read that u r welcome ..

    while we were discussing here about the topic of marriage and how to convince my family  . he asked me about marriage and that he wish to marry me soon even before end of this year if possible .. i told him give me some time to think (as i have already exams next month )..

    my heart raced that moment i felt anxious  .after some hours i started to think about the future and marriage and was happy about it ..the next 3 days i was thinking all day different ways to convince my family ..literally all the time even if i woke up middle of night it was on my mind …i felt tired and exhausted and had  headaches…now from last few days i m emotionally numb ..i m not feeling anything and feeling like depressed and such thoughts are coming:

    nobody loves me or want me .

    i have no friends.

    my family doesnt care for me .

    my mom doesnt talk to me that i m so alone in this world ..

    i have no one .

    do i really like him( new Guy)?

    do i really want to marry him ?

     

    i started to question my  feelings for him ..yesterday we went out and i was just questioning all the things in my brain because i wasnt present and was feeling empty …and i m so feeling bad that why i m feeling such way when he is a great guy …he is the person with whom i m having a healthy relationship who listens to me ,care for me , doesnt react when something doesnt goes according to plan ,respects me and respects my space and boundary..

    yesterday i sat with him and told him that i m getting some depressing thoughts which i mentioned here above   apart from empty feelings for him because i dint want to make him feel sad ….we hugged each other but i wasnt feeling anything .no emotions …i just wanted to come home ASAP ..

    Today is Eid ( a religious festival )..we meet and talk to family members  ,friends and everyone as i am far from all all i dont have any energy to talk to anyone …nor do i want to go and meet my family after exams even though the tickets are already booked .

    i am flat,empty ,numb all inside ..i feel like i m going toward depression .or may be something triggered me …

    i wasnt sure who could understand me and help me in this phase ..i hope i get some understanding and Help here ..

    Thank you …

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Peace.
    #383165
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    I am sorry you’re feeling anxious and upset, or as the opposite extreme – flat and numb, after he asked you to marry him. Perhaps the most important question is – do you want to marry so soon (by the end of the year), or you were thinking to graduate from the university first?

    Because you might like the guy and be willing to marry him some time in the future, but if you’ve set some important goals for yourself (like finishing your studies), his rushing you and having expectations from you might cause you a great deal of upset.

    Please know that you do have the right to accomplish your goals and choose your own timing when to get married. If you feel this is too soon, for whatever reason, you have the right to say no, or you can say yes, but not before a date that you feel comfortable with.

    How does this sound to you?

     

    #383169
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    I am well, thank you, and good to read back from you.

    You wrote today about the man who asked you to marry him (Congratulations!): “He is a great guy …he is the person with whom I’m having a healthy relationship, who listens to me ,care for me, doesn’t react when something doesn’t goes according to plan ,respects me and respects my space and boundary“.

    You also wrote that today is Eid (Eid saeed!) Eid is a religious holiday celebrated by Muslims twice a year, following a fasting period.

    I will now connect Eid to your personal life-situation: a lot of your life has been about emotional fasting= not receiving the emotional food that you needed: being listened to, cared for and respected. You were hungry for emotional food for so long, that you adapted to the hunger by often not feeling the hunger anymore, and feeling numb instead. Recently, this man in your life has been feeding you with emotional food, and most recently he offered you a lifetime supply of emotional food (marriage).

    The phases of your reaction to his offer: 1) You were excited: “My heart raced that moment“, 2) You felt happy: “After some hours, I..  was happy about it“,

    3) You got scared and obsessive: “The next 3 days, I was thinking all day about different ways to convince my family… I woke up middle of night, it was on my mind“, 4) Having exhausted yourself obsessing, you “felt tired and exhausted and had  headaches“,

    5) Exhausting yourself further, you became “emotionally numb..  depressed“, 6) Exhausted and numb, old beliefs about yourself being unlovable and unwanted filled your brain: “Nobody loves me or want me, I have no friends, My family doesn’t care for me, My mom doesn’t talk to me.. I’m so alone in this world .. I have no one“.

    By the time phase 6 came about,  you forgot that there is a man present in your life who listens to you, cares for you, respects you and wants to marry you. It is as if he disappeared, and other people from your past replaced him, people who did not (and do not) listen to you, care for you, etc.

    Eid- it is a celebration following a period of fasting/ hunger. Problem is that when a person has been hungry for too long, starving.. when presented with food, after eating just a little solid food, the person’s stomach, not being used to food,  gets overwhelmed and the person gets sick and throws up. I think that this is what happened to you, only we’re talking about emotional food, not physical food.

    Feeling sick, and not understanding why, you mistaken the cause of your sickness to be that you don’t love the man who wants to marry you. This is what phase 7 is about:  “Do I really like him..? Do I really want to marry him? I started to question my feeling for him.. why I’m feeling such way when he is a great guy?

    You lost your feelings for him because you are sick (just as a person who vomits and is sick loses his hunger). Because you are sick (like any sick person, and sick animals as well)- you want to be alone, at home and in bed, so to rest, recover and get your strength back: “Yesterday I sat with him.. (and) just wanted to come home ASAP .. Today is Eid.. I don’t have any energy to talk to anyone“.

    I  am flat, empty, numb all inside ..I feel like I m going toward depression .or may be something triggered me“- when a starving person ate more than he can stomach and he throws up and feels sick, he should go to bed and recover, have hot soup or cold, liquid food, sleep a lot. This is what you should do: rest, relax, recover. And when you are recovered, feeling better, then eat just a bit every time.. take it easy, so that you don’t get sick again.

    I wasn’t sure who could understand me and help me in this phase ..I hope I get some understanding and Help here“- I hope that you received the understanding and help that you were hoping for.

    anita

    #383312
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    i am glad that you were doing fine ..hope you are still doing fine in that hot temperature there.

    i took some good mental rest 🙂

    Thank you so much for that long Post .it really helped me .it helped me to understand my situation and confusions better .i read it more than 5-6 times and each time i tried to digest every single thing that you wrote on that thread for me …thank yoou for time and efforts ..it makes a lot of difference ..

    i am still taking some rest and it has almost improved ..my negative thoughts are gone ..the feeling of emptiness just improved .. that was your post , which helped me to see  my current situation differently.

     

    As you wrote :”By the time phase 6 came about,  you forgot that there is a man present in your life who listens to you, cares for you, respects you and wants to marry you. It is as if he disappeared, and other people from your past replaced him, people who did not (and do not) listen to you, care for you, etc”

     

    thats true ..i forgot ..even while sharing this with him, i dint even mention to him that how i appreciate him , for him being there for me as a person and i ignored him ..i really regret it later… and felt very much bad ..he dint say anything he just listen to me carefully whatever i was saying him ..now when i remember this moment i feel respect for him about this …

    Dear @TeaK  thank you for your Post ..and how are you ?

    i hope you are doing good.

     

    do you want to marry so soon (by the end of the year), or you were thinking to graduate from the university first?”

    i think for me .YES i would go for it if i love the person and if the relationship feels right to me..the  only thing which disturb me is that  my family that  they are going have issues with him (about which me and Anita also talked about in previous Threads)..and i don’t want that someone rejects my choice based on caste or looks .these caste and beauty standards makes me upset and what i know is ,if i talk to them about him ,they might bring my study in between this proposal ,not because they want me to graduate before getting marry but because they won’t think this Guy is (caste – wise)  compatible for me and they  will ask me to complete my education  because they have invested for my studies or the ( what will people say) etc  …if it wasn’t him and it was any other guy of my caste , most probably  they will not stop me during my studies to get marry  him ..so for me it is a stressful situation

     

     

    Peace

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Peace.
    #383314
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    You are very welcome. Thank you for your kind words of appreciation. I hope that you continue to rest and that your thoughts get clearer and clearer, and your feelings- freer and freer from fears and worries. Anytime you want to talk to me, post again addressing me by name, and I will reply.

    anita

    #383319
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    I am fine, thank you, just returned from holidays and feeling fine 🙂

    i think for me YES i would go for it if i love the person and if the relationship feels right to me.

    Good that you have that clarified with yourself! You’re fine with marrying soon, if the person is right. And this guy seems right for you, so the only problem is your family.

    if i talk to them about him ,they might bring my study in between this proposal ,not because they want me to graduate before getting marry but because they won’t think this Guy is (caste – wise) compatible for me and they will ask me to complete my education because they have invested for my studies

    Do you think they might prevent you from finishing your education (e.g. stop financing it) if you get married without their approval? What’s the worst that can happen if they don’t approve?

     

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