Dear norit:

I just read through your posts, from the first on July 31, 2016 to the last, before this thread, May 12, 2019. It was April/May last year when you moved out from your parents’ home to your new home, where you  now live, good to know that you are “enjoying peace and quiet” in your new home!

You were 25 when you posted first, almost 4 years ago, to the day, living with your parents. Here are some of the things you wrote in regard to your mental state of mind at the time: “I’m 25 and suffer from anxiety, depression, and recovering from agoraphobia. I have very little self worth.. I hate myself.. I can’t shake off the feeling that I deserve to be miserable. I feel so ashamed of who I am… Putting myself down constantly comes naturally.. I feel like I’m being selfish if I am nice to myself. Things seem very hopeless in the long run”.

About your life at home, you wrote over the years: “My mum has been drinking.. She used to talk to me about her problems a lot.. but now talks to herself a lot, often near me or following me to a nearby room.. it’s always worse when she’s drunk, and I feel guilty for upsetting her. I wait anxiously whenever she’s  been drinking for my dad to come home, because he will lose his temper with her, usually slamming things, shouting in her face, and recently pushing her too… (I) feel very guilty for  not helping or standing up for her when he acts this way… My mother’s addictions are getting worse I believe, and there are daily arguments between the rest of the family.. I just feel guilty and think mum will get worse if I leave. I don’t want to make things worse… When I was younger I never thought about my own hopes for the future because my plans were suicidal, and I thought I was just existing for my mum’s benefit.”

You shared over the years how lonely you feel, and that you met a man. You wrote: “We make each other so incredibly happy, and I can’t remember the last time I felt so at ease with someone. He has said the same. We’ve had a very open and honest relationship.. we have and are supportive of each other. The problem lies in that I’m already assuming I will ruin things for us. I feel like a horrible person to be around, and abusive. I’ve already ‘broken up’ with him now three times.. because I am afraid I will eventually hurt him”.

Early on you shared that you have been in 3 years of exposure therapy  for your anxiety, that attended other forms of psychotherapy, including group therapy, that you read “lots of self help related things”, that you were “trying to practise mindfulness more”, and, you wrote: “I understand much of the logic behind the way I am, but I don’t think I’ve worked through it emotionally”.

My input today, regarding the logic you mentioned: it’s clear to me (and I am sure I posted to you about it before), that you felt responsible for your mother’s dysfunction, and for not saving her from her dysfunction and from your father’s anger. Because in your own mind, you failed your assumed responsibility, you came to believe that you are a guilty person, a bad person, one who hurts other people. This is why when you had a mutually supportive relationship with a man, for a while, you were so afraid that you will hurt him. Truth is, of course, that you were never responsible for your mother’s dysfunction and mental illness. Nor were you responsible for your father’s behavior. And indeed, I am glad you are not still living in that household.

I am thinking that one of the advantages for you to have your current affair with the married man is that because he told you that he is just using you for sex, and is not otherwise involved with you- you are not afraid of hurting him. Am I correct?

Regarding working emotionally through what you know logically… take it from here, if you want to.

anita