Dear Anita,

It is true, many people all over the world are “living” in terrible suffering, which I believe has become continually worse ever since the industrial revolution in the so-called “advanced” Western countries.

I would personally definitely not describe my childhood as having been a holocaust.  I know I am suppressing a lot of feelings, yet despite it all, optimism and positive expectations still lived within me until relatively recently, and I hope to find my way back to that way of being.

I am not sure if I made you feel uncomfortable in some way when I expressed my sadness and heartfelt empathy about this description of your childhood?  Or if I perhaps accidentally ventured into an area which is part of the things you do not wish for me to mention and which you don’t want to discuss with me?  You can always say so, I would not take any offence at all, even if it is “just” regarding a single word or very specific topic.

For me, expressing my sadness and incomprehension is because although there is indeed much suffering all around us, you are now for me like the rose who the Little Prince befriended on his planet.  He saw on his journey that countless other roses seemed identical, but it was the shared time and companionship which made “his” rose nevertheless unique and infinitely meaningful to him.

Thank you for telling me about “Beginner’s Mind”.  I read up a little more about it.  It seems that I am onto a good thing then!

I teared up when reading about the difference between reacting and being a creator.  That was a very helpful explanation, thank you.  I feel this is the way to go.  I am beginning to feel ever more strongly that I am not so much merely re-discovering who I am, as also deciding who I choose to be now – the “creating” you mention.

I think I have a balanced idea of how I can expect to be able to trust you, very much as you yourself described.  I think this is because you have been consistent in your communications with me though.  I know you are sometimes tired or emotionally involved in your own processes, which is natural, but your overall constancy remains the same.  I am very aware of not feeling so relaxed about trusting other people.

You know, what you write about your unusually realistic dream of flying made me think of something I have read about called “Lucid Dreaming”.  It is not something I ever fancied to experience as I feel the very lucidity of it unsettling to me personally.  Maybe you can read up on it and see if you feel that it matches your experience?

When I first read your post of 28^th July, 9.58 am, I was disappointed when I got to the last two paragraphs.  But I gave myself some time, as I always do when reading something from you which I don’t understand, because I know that you care and are giving me valuable advice.  Then suddenly a light went on in my head and I realised I was doing the same thing again – looking for an instant saviour and a quick exit from my pain via a therapist (those “God-like” people my Inner Child sought) Wrong!  Wrong!

I was then so deeply grateful yet again for your support, feeling again so lucky and blessed to have chanced upon this forum and be able to benefit from our communication.   I can see a pattern emerging, as I hoped for the same thing when we communicated about the caged wild animal, and I am sure this has been at the base of many of my interactions in life so far.

I also felt very uncomfortable for some time, wondering what I am going to do with all this pain and anger, all these emotions I would like to be free of?  The very thought of having to drag my way through years of therapy, all the well-buried horrors being dragged up to the surface again … not a nice prospect.  But at the same time it is just a plain fact that my joie de vivre is still not fully there.  Maybe I don’t need it to function, but I believe that I do, because I know from past experience that it is much easier to plan and execute when you feel full of enthusiasm and confidence, and there is also a much better success rate, and more resilience towards problems and failures.  It feels to me that living without it is like being just a life-sized cardboard cut-out figure of myself, a one-dimensional me.

I also considered that one of the problems I experienced with my last therapist was a lack of understanding of my position as a foreigner.  I wondered if I might find an English speaking therapist locally, so I looked and to my surprise I found a lady who is also an English speaking foreigner and who specialises in Mindfulness.  I am thinking that it would be good to try and learn the emotional regulation skills from her which you have recommended to me.  I have made an initial contact.

I reflected that I have spent a lot of my life trying to escape, always on the run, moving on, hoping for absolution in a new start.  But from today I am trying to revision my life as being with these painful feelings, at least for some time to come, but also daring to nevertheless take some active measures to start living my life again.  I am sad not to feel as enthusiastic and passionate as I used to, but who’s to say that won’t come back again.

As usual, the day was too full, my evening is too short, and I have to be up early and out the house.  A long day ahead tomorrow.  I am going with my husband to take my old dog to a specialist for spinal injuries.  This person should be able to confirm exactly what is wrong with her, and then on Friday we will go to a specialist dog rehab centre.  Hopefully the poor sweetie will then finally have less pain.   She is such a lovely dog, I always call her my four-legged angel, as she has such a happy personality and sweet disposition.   She always loved playing with small children, she was so gentle and seemed to have exactly the same idea of fun as they do.

Sorry if I’ve missed out responding to some points or been a bit of a grasshopper with my subjects.  My energy is rather low but I was so looking forward to responding to you.  Unfortunately my landlord interrupted me with an unexpected visit too, so my time was shortened and my concentration is even lower.

Thank you for responding to that person crashing this thread, by the way, I very much appreciate that.

Juanita