Dear Juanita:

“I am not sure if I made you feel uncomfortable in some way when I expressed my sadness and heartfelt empathy about this description of your childhood?”- you are amazing, your ability to sense things, just amazing. Yes, I felt uncomfortable with the empathy, so much so that I made a mental note to myself to not share with you anything about my childhood anymore.

But because of your recent post, with the quote I started this post, I have the opportunity (thank you!) to learn something about myself and make a different choice. Instead of not sharing anything about my childhood with you, I will simply tell you the truth: I am not used to empathy being directed at me, it makes me uncomfortable. But I want you to be able to express yourself and it will be good for me to be able to receive a bit of empathy, so if you feel comfortable with it, when you want to express empathy for me, please do it in a mild way, a mild form of empathy, just a bit of it, and move on quickly enough to the next topic.

I am smiling now as I read about he rose, I feel that we are both roses for each other, because this “shared time and companionship” on this thread, is special for me too (and it being a public forum doesn’t take away from it being special)!.

I appreciate what you wrote about trusting me, “overall constancy remains the same”- I like the way you put it. About my dream of flying, yes, I suppose it was a lucid dream, thank you for bringing it up, sometimes it helps to name something, label it, easier to put it away neatly and move on.

“all this pain and anger.. the well-buried horrors being dragged up to the surface again.. my joie de vivre is still not fully there.. enthusiasm and confidence.. living without it is like being just a life-sized cardboard cut-out figure of myself, a one-dimensional me”- you definitely don’t read like a one dimensional you, I see/ feel your dimensions. Regarding your subjective experience, which is what you are talking about here- what I relate to is that because the anxiety I experienced as a child was overwhelming, and anxiety is a negative neural excitation- my brain, in its quest to survive, withdrew/ shut down, best it could,  from experiencing any kind of neural excitation, be it negative (fear) or positive (enthusiasm).

You made initial contact with an English speaking therapist who specializes in mindfulness- I hope it works out for you!

I am curious to find out what the vet you saw today (if you did) said about your four-legged angel’s condition

I am sad not to feel as enthusiastic and passionate as I used to, but who’s to say that won’t come back again. As always, if I fail to respond to something in your post that you want me to respond to, let me know what it is.

anita