Hey Nicka,

To note, this is done through phone so if nothing’s clear, do tell.

To start this out, it’s starting to be clear that you really value relationships. And that’s a beautiful value. But you can also be too tolerant of the actions of others and might stay too long in one relationship. Certainly, your ex has his good qualities, but did you both ever discuss his insecurities? Cis gender men are mostly socialized to not show vulnerabilities but that doesn’t mean it can’t be learned later in life. So did he ever tried? Also, how many times were your ex drunk and acting like a bad drunk, like letting out his grievances on you? Sure, he was drunk but that doesn’t mean he didn’t understand his actions so much as his inhibitions was lower than normal. His action was toxic, drunk or not but how many times did it happened and how many time did you excuse it as “being drunk”? It’s great you were able to accept his insecurities for what they are but that doesn’t mean tolerating the toxic actions arising from them. You also have your insecurities but have you yourself used them as a reason to blame others or pull them down because you feel bad so they should too? Because your ex was doing that. Not always blatantly but he did.

And you probably do have codependency tendencies because you seem to hope to help these people out of their insecurities by staying with them, but at what cost? You don’t like letting people go, but what is the price of holding on?

There’s also this paradox. You fear that starting any platonic friendship, it will end somewhere in the future so what about your romantic relationship? Did you not fear it ending too or how were you so confident that it wouldn’t end in the future, like your friendships? You don’t seem to have problems with people pursuing you but hesitate to pursue your own friendships. Introversion have little to do with choosing to pursue friendships or any relationships. It’s either you make the effort or you don’t. You can, of course, be selective in where you put your effort. And I don’t know about you but I would be flatter if anyone wanted to friends with me, granted, they just have to not make my list of potentially toxic people. Though I’m not exactly sure of the kind of people you’re meeting, but do you really want to let in people who only see your outer shell and not try to see your quirks? And it’s not possible for any person to know and understand you because they are not you. They have not lived your life or your thoughts or your emotions. They might have empathy or understand where you’re coming from, but they’ll never truly grasp how you feel because that’s all you. Your feelings are yours.

Or has your past jarred you to the point that you feel it hopeless to put much effort into making friends?

So is it your effort or your thoughts holding you back from developing any friendship?