@ Shelbyville,

Dont be silly! Nobody expects a perfect, fairy tale happy ending. I for one am of the belief that life is all round pretty shitty with snippets of happiness… I sound like a real party pooper but it’s my truth anyway! Do fairy tales even exist? Probably not, life is a ‘journey’ haha! I should put a stamp on that word the amount of times I have used that.

I think with the new job prospects and dating and just generally, you are sounding a lot more confident and that ‘comfort zone’ is getting bigger and bigger. Although change will always feel scary, I don’t think you realise just how far you have actually come! The Shelby I know was afraid, this Shelby is shaking BUT still ready to conquer the world – so lovely to see that! My soul is a little lighter hearing from you and how much you are growing and learning and healing!

I think you are right. I think I needed Mr A at the time. Maybe to some extent I always will, after all a lot of history and trauma bonding although beyond comprehension is a real thing. But I am definitely more aware now. I was in absolute despair then. I feel a bit more woke now. So the journey continues.

@Tim oh how I would’ve used and abused that male advice some time ago! I would’ve done anything for a male perspective on things! Nonetheless, thank you very much! Who knows, maybe I will take you up on that sometime 🙂

@Lucie, that definitely does sound like panic attacks. I think therapy was a major major major part of my healing. I didn’t really see it then, and especially not during my therapy as I mostly hit my lowest at that point. You know when they say it gets a lot worse before it can get better? That was me. Therapy was painful – that’s the easiest way to put it. There were times I avoided going and really just wanted to end it there and then because it was too much! I didn’t know how to cope. But I’m grateful I persevered because it really did make a world of a difference and to be honest, saved my life. Therapy taught me how to not avoid my feelings. Because that’s what I did, distracted myself away from the triggers, kept busy, pretended I was okay when really I’d research how to kill myself in the quickest way possible. Therapy made me feel less alone, it gave me the knowledge that I am not the only one suffering. That I’m not actually weird, or broken, and that these are all human responses. It made me love my body and soul for creating these responses with the aim to protect me.  Once I finished therapy I was able to put everything I’ve learnt into practice and that’s actually when the real journey began. Identifying my triggers, learning about myself all over again.
If you read back on some posts you’ll know that sleep was and still sometimes is a major thing for me, that is usually when my flashbacks happen and then I eventually just refuse to sleep to avoid them. I’d rather be exhausted than have my brain exhaust me with painful flashbacks. Whilst I’ve never been on medication and hopefully won’t be in the future, I do take supplements, Serotone 5HTP occasionally, particularly when I’m having a bad ‘no sleep’ episode again and I’ve found them to be really really helpful.

i would really recommend you visit the MYPTSD forum, it was a God send when I couldn’t understand what was happening to me!