Dear Christiana Moore:

You are welcome. We become who we become in the context of the family where we grow up. Think of a family as a jigsaw puzzle- each member  is like a piece of the puzzle that fits with the other pieces to create a picture. Often the picture is distorted (a dysfunctional family), but there still is a picture, and each part (parents, siblings) fit into that picture.

When one of the pieces wants to recreate itself, to change, to heal- the other pieces do not cooperate, because the fit will be messed up. The other pieces don’t want to accommodate the one changing piece by changing themselves. This is why if you want to change and heal, you can’t do it in the context of your family.

(The only exception I can think of is serious, long term psychotherapy where all members of the family attend session with a quality family psychotherapist).

And so, basically, holding onto your family = “holding onto pain” (the title of your thread).

Moving away from your family, on the other hand, is not equal to healing, it is only the beginning of healing.

anita