Dear Lily:

From our vast communication, it is very clear to me that for you to have a healthy relationship with a man, it is necessary that the man will be very honest with you, and very open: telling you what he thinks and feels about this and that.

Because of your massive introspection: looking into yourself for what you have said wrong, what you have done wrong, the man in your life has to tell you simply and truly the way it is for  him. He can’t be vague and he can’t be so shallow as to not be aware himself of his own thoughts, feelings, values and opinions.

“yeah, that too, but overall” will not do! What does it even mean??? – too vague to mean anything.

“o.k. for your message”- that’s all his response to your long and thoughtful message. It is as if you gave an hour lecture to a turtle. With all do respect to turtles and to people who practice the introspection of a turtle (for whatever reason, doesn’t mean they have a low IQ), it is a waste of time to try to communicate with them in ways they are not able or willing to understand and reciprocate.

“I wrote this to him in a longer message, explaining that we are too different..”- you and the turtle are indeed “too different”, so different that the turtle can’t read your message.

“In the past, I worried that it was all my fault, because I was very tense around him and not very open”- it is not your fault that a turtle is a turtle. The turtle will remain a turtle whether you are calm or very tense, open or closed. In yet other words: the turtle is a turtle on his own right, you are not responsible for his turtleness.

“He has not changed much”- still a turtle.

“He was the one who contacted me”- turtles like to eat apples, among other foods. He contacted you because he wanted an apple to eat (and you thought he wanted to introspect/ do some self reflection, which is a something a turtle will not do).

I agree with your friend, that he is not deep. “Maybe this explains everything”- I think so, it does explain everything: you can’t have a deep communication with a turtle. When you deal with a turtle it has to be simple- give him an apple to eat (as long as the apple is not your body!)

“An  open and honest communication is very important to me!”- yes it is, and it is necessary for you, in the context of intimate relationships.

“There were misunderstandings between us and we were not able to talk about it. Instead we both made assumptions about each other”- you made assumptions. I don’t know if he is deep enough to make assumptions.

“Next time I want to do better, if I meet someone”- first thing to do, ask yourself: is this a turtle?

“Anita, maybe you don’t approve of me having replied to him or apologizing to him. But it made me see everything a little bit clearer”- I am glad you see everything clearer. I don’t see any reason for you to apologize to him, but no harm done (because you didn’t meet him in person, good thing!!!)

Again, I don’t mean disrespect to turtles or people who are incapable or unwilling to self reflect- it’s okay. What is not okay is for a self reflecting individual, especially a massively self reflecting individual such as yourself to put yourself in the unfortunate situation of attempting a mental discourse with a turtle!

* I keep coming back to the turtle comparison because the comparison entertains me, in addition to it making a lot of sense to me- so one more entertainment for me (I hope  it is entertaining for you too):

“Sometimes I had still thought about him, that I wished he was by my side”- can you guess what I am about to suggest regarding wishing he was by your side?

anita