Dear Tania:

After I read your most recent post I read again your posts from the beginning of your thread (Feb 24) and paid attention to your husband (I’ll call him “H”, for Husband), trying to learn who he is, from what you shared. This post will be longer than most. It is not all necessarily exact, but it is my best understanding of H, you, and your situation:

You’ve been in a relationship with H for about 7 years, and married to him for about a year. You are pregnant for about 2-3 months. H is not a romantic type of guy (“no romantic dinner, no formally anniversary celebration, no surprise gifts.. He said to me that he can’t be romantic”).

He is very logical, and does not like to talk about feelings (“I can’t really talk with him heart to heart.. he doesn’t  like to talk about such as express feeling, he just measure anything using logic”). More than not liking to talk about feelings, he gets angry when you pressure him to talk about feelings. One time you tried to make a deal with him, that you will be less possessive of him if he talks with you about feelings, but he reacted angrily (“I said that I want to change not too possessive, but he should chat with me more intimate. Then after that, he become angry.. he feels that he already did intimate chat”).

In a marriage, he likes his wife to be in the background while he does what he likes to do, which is playing computer games/ being at the computer (“When he is at home, he always do anything that he love- like ignore me, most of the time he waste by playing his game”). He does not have an interest in talking with you about .. feelings, or anything much. I believe that no matter who his wife was, that’s the way he would be. He is this way not because you are boring, but because he does not want to end up talking about feelings and any deep subjects that he doesn’t care about.

He is not romantic because it is too difficult for him and he doesn’t want to be romantic. He does not want to be anything that he is not (“He treat me just the way he  is, completely no mask, nothing he covered up from me”).

Before getting married, he was more attentive to you and more patient with you when you expressed your worries/ jealously, but after marriage he is less attentive, less patient (“he let the situation still not good and just say ‘just hurry sleep, I’m tired”), and when he kisses you, he doesn’t kiss you passionately like he used to before marriage.

As a married man, H flirted lightly with a work colleague of his. When he traveled, he asked her if she wants him to give her a gift of chocolate, mentioning it was on discount. He also told her (as a joke, perhaps) that if she wants a bag as a gift, she will have to give him money for it. A romantic guy wouldn’t have mentioned that the chocolate was on discount or joke that if she wants a more expensive gift, she would need to give  him the money for it. He is not a romantic guy, not with you, not with anyone.

You’ve been very worried and obsessing about him and the work colleague. But in March he was working from home because of the pandemic, and by June, after a couple  of months of him working from home, you felt better because you were not worried about him flirting at the work place. You felt calmer, knowing he was at home (“I feel grateful… doing my hobbies, focusing love myself etc.. I feel less jealous.. maybe because .. my husband always at home all the time for this several months”).

Still in June, your worries were not gone and they came up again: you looked at his phone, worried he was interacting with a woman, or the like, and he got angry. In August, in your most recent post, you shared that he watches pornography online (“he made a new social media to follow sexual women”).

Other than that short amount when he worked at home, when your attention was away from him for a while, otherwise, your attention is on him (“My attention just for him.. attention to get his attention.. my mood is depended on him.. I tried to go back to my old hobbies, I felt bored, and I can leave them all offhand when he come to me… I still always look at him and all of my thought just for him.. he is the number one of my priority”). Your mood often is depressed, withdrawn (“my heart always feeling blue and I didnt have any spirit to do anything… what is the real meaning of being alive.. it’s just work, get money, sometimes do some charity, hang out with friends, etc… all is boring.. ‘Feeling lonely, unattended to, unloved.. feeling jealous, suspicious’.. is what I feel for my entire life.. even with my dad”.

In summary: ever since you were a child, because your mother left you when you were about 4 and proceeded to have a new family, without you, and because your father was at times angry at you, for not doing chores.. or worse, for reminding him of your mother whom he hated… all that made you a very sad, very angry at your mother, a very withdrawn child who  used to look up at the sky, lost and empty. This is what I referred to earlier as your childhood emotional experience, an experience which continues to this very day.

No matter who your husband was, that childhood emotional experience would have continued. A perfectly behaved husband would have meant, at best, that sometimes you would feel better, like in March-June, but the same-old, same-old empty feeling would have come back to you.

I am disappointed too that your husband watches pornography- I didn’t know this until today. I am disgusted by pornography and if it was my choice, the whole pornography industry will disappear from the world. Unfortunately it is a very successful industry because it has millions and millions of clients willing to invest money in it.

Let me know what you think about my post so far, and I will write to you more after I get your response. Please try to write to me as clearly as you can. After you finish your next post, edit it so to make it more clear.

anita