Dear Rhaenys:

“How to heal so I don’t feel that ’emptiness’ in the future?”- wishing to fill in the emptiness will not do. Anyone’s instructions on  how to heal will not do-  you have to desire healing, to be drawn to it, to want it with all your mind and all your heart, no matter how difficult, no matter how long it takes.

Nonetheless, I will give you a few suggestions (a few of which  I suggested to you earlier):

1. To “stop the pattern” of dating men who have no intention to have a serious relationship -> when you first consider dating a man, ask him if he is currently interested in a serious relationship that will lead to marriage. If he does not clearly answer affirmatively, do not date him.

2. To stop the pattern of dating men who are unable to get married in the near future (ex. a college student in his early 20s who lives with his parents) -> do not date college students in their early 20s. When you consider dating a man, find out if he is employed, if he is living with parents or on his own, find out his career plans and see to it that the man is financially and practically able to get married in the near future.

3. To stop the pattern of not breaking up with a man you are unhappy with -> when you do date a man and you want to break up with him, write down the reasons you want the breakup: if your reasons include that the man is dishonest, untrustworthy, unethical, then break up  with him. If the reason you want to break up is because you are afraid of being in a serious relationship yourself, then it’s time to see a psychotherapist and address that fear.

4. Better see a psychotherapist before you get into your next relationship, to address your emptiness and fear,  and continue to see the therapist at the beginning of your new relationship, so to help you through it.

5. Consider living on your own, away from your mother (and father)- far away. The emptiness you have felt for so long is your subjective inner experience and it will be with you wherever you live (until you adequately heal), but living with the people that brought you that emptiness, makes healing very difficult.

anita