How are you doing Sammy, has the pain eased somewhat from the initial period. I definitely think having routine can help a lot and depending on that walk or run every day instead of a drink or a bottle will really make the healing process easier on you.

I don’t know where my head is at. I suppose looking at it from a birds eye view I feel I am literally in the exact same cycle I was with with my ex. I am needy and insecure and get extremely scared when I feel a man is pulling away. I constantly seek reassurance and when I don’t get it, I got to DEFCON1.

The two guys I was dating became one guy in the end. One of the guys decided it wasn’t the best time for me with so much going on (he was super understanding and kind) – he was the one I was going to stop seeing anyway, but he beat me to the punch and said it first. And yet, the evening he texted me to end it, I bawled crying, I was so upset and felt so lost. It was so strange for someone I was not over the moon obsessed with as it was.

However the next day I settled down a bit and actually wasn’t as upset at all and haven’t really thought of him since. So he obvious hit a trigger of some sort when he ended it. The second guy I really enjoyed spending time with, he makes me laugh so so much and was not at all who I saw myself ending up with longterm, but I was enjoying the journey and the fun times. Initially he seemed to be someone who expressed himself a lot and wanted to get into a relationship straight away – he seems to be a serial monogamist, but I asked that we take things slow. I was getting a little scared and freaked out. Anyway as time went on I started to like him more and more and started opening up more and being vulnerable because that’s basically what he wanted and I felt happy to be taking a chance again.

Then I got the job in another city and while I was wary, he said he saw the bigger picture and it didn’t bother him. So I thought, great, happy days and at least I’ll see him on weekends. He said once I get settled in a new rental place (im currently crashing with extended family) that he would even be able to come see me once a week if he has annual leave to take a day here and there.

However since I started the new job (which so far I really really don’t like), I feel he is not as upfront and keen as he was initally and it’s hitting triggers again I guess. I have this running pattern where I feel guys pursue me initially as a high value woman and then when I give in a little – they realise I’m not what they thought or expected. Last night had a torturous conversation with the guy on the phone – he’s not a great communicator – he doesn’t seem to go in to deep stuff too often – but he was really headwrecked by me and couldn’t understand what I was talking about. Inevitably I wanted him to give me a whole heap of reassurance and it didn’t come.

He texted me this morning and said he had had a rubbish night’s sleep after that (As did I) and that even though I had asked him to come visit me when I get back to my home house on Friday night, he said he would feel more comfortable coming on Sat morning instead. Completely legitimate on his part, I live with my Dad (who doesn’t even know about him) and it would be his first time coming to my house and he felt he didn’t jusy want to rock up late on Fri night and be staying over!

All completely makes sense but my anxious mind has warped it in to “he doesn’t want to be with me” and “he’s gone off me” and he did admit that eth distance thing has made him very confused and basically I’m sad and hurt and he did nothing wrong but I don’t know how I have literally just transferred all the hurt and upset of my ex (who I think about rarely now) to the new guy.

Work is really bothering me too, I’m very unhappy and have no quality of life and it’s not even been two weeks 🙁

Sorry for the rant, ya see…….I still don’t have my sh1t toegther!