Dear jenny:

Did you ever meet him in person, or was the whole relationship long distance (online and on the phone)?

I understand you having self doubts regarding his accusations that you caused his behavior. People who are abusive use a very old and effective tactic: the abusive person behaves abusively (calling names, yelling, hitting, etc.) but blames the victim for his/ her abusive behavior. The victim is confused and doubts herself, and therefore she accepts  more and more of the abuse. The abuser gains power and stays in power by repeatedly blaming his victim.

There are situations where the two parties in the relationship abuse each other regularly: sometimes one initiates the abuse and the other reacts; at other times the other person initiates the abuse.

You shared that you never called him names or threatened him (“I have never called him any names, never threatened him”), but that you may have been wrong to him by calling him too many times (“I’ve called him more times in a row than I feel I should’ve”)-

– calling him too often when it does not include you yelling at him, calling him names, threatening him (that is, calling him without being aggressive toward him),  is not abuse. And therefore when he reacted by calling you names, it is he who was abusive toward you, not the other way around.

You shared that you doubt yourself, that you considered that maybe you said this wrong, or did that wrong-

– If he never doubted himself, if he never expressed to you that he may have said or done something that was wrong- this is a strong indication that he is indeed dishonestly manipulative, and that he has used the abusive tactic of blaming you so to keep you self-doubting and confused.

anita