Thank you again.  My goal is to figure out why I did this and to take the necessary steps to ensure I never do it again.  Trust me when I say I have learned my lesson.  I am in so much emotional pain, and I cannot talk to my best friend, my husband.  This is the only place I have shared this.  I have a few close female friends but they would be very shocked and disgusted by my choices. I know I am most deserving of this pain and isolation as I brought it on myself