Dear sasseyholmes:

Before you decide what to do, you will need to be calm. When “so angry and upset” we can’t think clearly because anger and upset hijack our logical thinking. There is a saying my former therapist introduced to me: when anger goes up, I.Q goes down.

Expect your emotions to change, the anger and upset to intensify at times, and to get weaker at other times. Expect any feeling to appear at any time and subside at other times sadness, despair, even a surprising feeling of joy, and aim at calm and self control. When distressing feelings intensify, have an option of a time out, or time away from home, such as if you take a fast half an hour walk  outdoors when upset, or go to your bedroom and listen to your favorite music.

Because you have two teenage children, what you decide to do will affect them, so keep them in mind as you proceed. There need to be no arguments and fights for your children to see or hear: no loud voices, no slamming of doors, no aggression or passive-aggression between parents (or between parents and children).

For the time being, arrange (if you haven’t already) for separate sleeping arrangements for you and your husband, separate bedrooms if possible.

Consider couple therapy/ marriage counseling with a competent professional.

If you want to share more details about the nature of your husband’s affair and about the nature and progression of your relationship with him from the beginning, please do, and I will read and reply further.

anita