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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #366420
    sasseyholmes
    Participant

     

     

    HELLO,

    I have just recently signed up for this. I love all the quotes and daily reminders. I am in  need of some advice. I have been Married for 13 years. I just recently found out that my Husband has affair. I am so angry and upset and I have so many different emotions and feelings going on in my head. Not sure what to do. This not his first time,  but this time around he took it all the way. The frist couple of times he was just talking with other women and saying stuff that a marry man shouldn’t be saying. I know for me the trust is not there any more. I just dont know if I can be with him any more.  If this will ever be ok. Always have issues with trust and how to go on. We have 2 children together and they are teenagers now. I am just so confused and not sure what to do. Is there any advice that you can give me. Thank you!

    #366425
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sasseyholmes:

    Before you decide what to do, you will need to be calm. When “so angry and upset” we can’t think clearly because anger and upset hijack our logical thinking. There is a saying my former therapist introduced to me: when anger goes up, I.Q goes down.

    Expect your emotions to change, the anger and upset to intensify at times, and to get weaker at other times. Expect any feeling to appear at any time and subside at other times sadness, despair, even a surprising feeling of joy, and aim at calm and self control. When distressing feelings intensify, have an option of a time out, or time away from home, such as if you take a fast half an hour walk  outdoors when upset, or go to your bedroom and listen to your favorite music.

    Because you have two teenage children, what you decide to do will affect them, so keep them in mind as you proceed. There need to be no arguments and fights for your children to see or hear: no loud voices, no slamming of doors, no aggression or passive-aggression between parents (or between parents and children).

    For the time being, arrange (if you haven’t already) for separate sleeping arrangements for you and your husband, separate bedrooms if possible.

    Consider couple therapy/ marriage counseling with a competent professional.

    If you want to share more details about the nature of your husband’s affair and about the nature and progression of your relationship with him from the beginning, please do, and I will read and reply further.

    anita

     

     

    #366433
    sasseyholmes
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you! for getting back to me. Yes we have been keeping peace in the house as we now we have to for our children. We are sleeping separate from each other I am seeing a licensed therapist. That has help a lot and has keep me calm in so many different ways. Reading different things has also help me out. At one point we talk about  is separation, and he gets his own place. I ask him to wait for I could figure out our finances and he went a head a sign a lease to his new place and it a year lease so he is lock into that. That concern me because he didn’t even seem like it matter or cared who he hurt in the long run. I feel like he keeps putting his own feeling out there and doesn’t care about his family. He makes irrational decisions without even thinking about what he is doing this is been going on for a long time. And if it and if it falls apart I am left to pick up the pieces and fix the family. So all the burden falls upon me and I don’t know how much more I can take. Is there any advice you could give me.

    Sincerely sasseyholmes

    #366435
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sasseyholmes:

    You are welcome. I am glad to read that you kept peace in the home for the sake of your children, and that you’ve been seeing a therapist that has been helping you a lot. From what I understand about your situation, it is a good idea that your now estranged husband is going to be living elsewhere, although I do understand your financial concern regarding him being locked into a one-year lease, and making financial (and otherwise) irrational decisions.

    Because he is making risky financial decisions without your knowledge, and because his decisions affect you greatly, being married to him- I think that you should see a family law attorney, or a divorce attorney so to legally protect yourself from his irrational decisions in the next few days.

    anita

    #366453
    sasseyholmes
    Participant

    Thank you!

    Anita,

    I am going to talk with my therapist about this to. See what the next steps are. I am really concerned about are financials at this point but going forward there not a lot I can do at this point. He has already signed the lease lock himself into a year. At this point my greatest expectations are to make sure my children and myself are taking care of. Hopefully at some point it just balances itself out. I am not going to let this situation consume me. I going to take one day at a time and go from there. Thank you! Do you have any insight on this.

    Sincerely sasseyholmes

    #366455
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sasseyholmes:

    You are welcome. I think it’s a very good idea to not let this situation consume you, to take one day at a time and go from there, and to talk to your therapist about your next step.

    I think that principles in the Serenity Prayer can help you as you proceed :

    “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

    the courage to change the things I can;

    and the wisdom to know the difference”.

    anita

    #366474
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dearest One, I am going to suggest you get yourself immediately to a good divorce attorney and find out your rights. If this man is the father of the children, what kind of custody is the law in your area. I take his moving out and signing a lease as him wanting to do this. You wanted him to wait, but he wants his freedom. He is making loud statements about his desires to end the marriage or to simply have his freedom to “date” or mess around with other people. In my state in the USA, he may still have to pay some of the bills of the household and if he is the father of the children, paying child support. In my state in the USA, if you can prove he cheated, you can ask the judge to order him to pay your attorney’s fees as this is law for adultery. So that is why I say get to an attorney right now. You are doing some good things, getting therapy for example. Maybe take the kids to therapy also so they can process their feelings. I think you could be very right that he is all about himself and time will really show that. If he is all about himself, my experience working for attorneys is these people try to cheat the spouse in the divorce. I wish you well, I wish you peace of mind.

    #366489
    sasseyholmes
    Participant

    Thank you!

    Dear Rose of Yellow,

    Thank you for your posted. I’ve been thinking and soul searching a lot these days, also going to talk to my therapist and see if she has any insight or guidance for me. Its has been a very trying time. I think it is going to be a long journey but at the end of the day I am just going to focus on my children and myself. I agree I am going to set some therapy up for them also I know it can be really hard and tough on children. I definitely think its important. As for right now I am just putting one foot and front of the other. Calming myself and just let my heart and soul guide me. Taking care of myself for once in my life.

    Thank you again!

    Sincerely sasseyholmes

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