Dear Stephen:

You shared that for much of your life, you experienced “this mighty anger that was unjust”, and a “pretty bad depression”. You blamed society for every problem you had, engaged in binge drinking, and had a recent legal scare which led you to realize that your actions have negative effects not only on yourself, but on your family.

You referred to the person you were as “a poisonous person who really had no redeemable qualities”, and realized after reading Alan Watts’ literature, that this poisonous identity was your ego, one that you can let go of as you become “a fresh, new person”.

You deleted people on your Facebook, intend to delete more, got on antidepressants last month and waiting for the benefits to kick in. You want this fresh, new person to be “about positivity and giving” to the world your ego has wronged, and you would like to talk to people here, to help you on this journey.

Here is just a bit of Alan Watts’ writings about the ego: “The ego is simply your symbol of yourself.. ego symbolizes the role you play”, “Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be”.

My input: what I refer to as my healing process started with reading lots of the literature on Buddhism, Taoism, and Hinduism, which Alan Watts and others popularized for Western audiences. Based on that literature I chose a psychotherapist who incorporated the principles of Buddhism, etc. into the therapy process. Here is what I have learned:

The ego is not only an idea, it is a physical reality. Who you were all these years exists in the form of multiple and habitual biochemical processes, including neurotransmitters which connect neurons to other neurons, and hormones released into your blood. You can’t just get rid of those habitual processes or magically change them. It takes a long, long process that requires an incredible amount of patience and persistent, intentional and attentional work, every day, day after day, months and years.

Watts himself, with all his knowledge and education, years of speaking and writing on the matter, according to Wikipedia, was an alcoholic (“In October 1973, Watts returned from a European lecture tour to his cabin in Druid Heights, California. Friends of Watts had been concerned about him for some time over his alcoholism. On 16 November 1973, at age 58, he died in his sleep”).

Watts had habitual biochemical processes in his brain that his many years practice of Buddhism etc., did not change. Your recent take of antidepressants is about interfering with your own, specific neural biochemical processes. The anger you mentioned, it cannot go away by wishing it away, it is a biochemical habit, and it will be difficult to break.

You can become a fresh, new person, but it takes lots of time and work, and if you have realistic expectations regarding what it takes, you are more likely to stay on the path and make this change happen sooner than otherwise.

If you would like to, I will be glad to communicate with you for as long as you want. I hope other members answer you as well.

anita