I think that Alan Watts quote really speaks to me, i had masqueraded as that sort of person for so long i imagined myself to be that person. You are absolutely right, this will not change overnight and i have tried to set a sort of goal to do atleast one productive positive thing a day, not only for myself but for others. An altruistic act if we will. Whilst i recognize that this was just a mask i put on, i also recognize it is one i was heavily indoctrinated into and i cannot change overnight. I am doing alot of self reflection on why i find myself in this position today and why it has been for so long and i unfortunately cannot share much more on the matter as i don’t understand myself.

I attended a school that had a high number of islamic pupils where these gangs could be quite violent and racist, this definetly pushed me towards a (at the time) growing right wing movement. I am starting to see that the actions of this demographic at my former school were whats important, not their ethnicity or belief which had no real logical bearing on the actions. I am reading alot about confirmation bias’s and other such psychological tricks we play on ourselves too convice ourselves that we are infact the ego we imagine.

Thank you for sharing that interesting piece on Watts and thank you for your welcoming reply. To be met with such a warm welcome after hearing my story, it only reinforces my path away from my former life.