Reading it  back like this, really makes an impact. My grandmother had a personally disorder and were taken it out on my family more than my dad’s siblings and there children. Which was hard giving the fact of our situation (she thought my sisters desease was a lie) choosing favorite grandchildren (we weren’t good enough) and we the were the only ones cut from the will. The emotional blackmail came from her.

The psysical and mental abuse started in school when I was 12 to 15 years old. A group of boys were violent (one girl became hearing impaired in one ear) and two of the teachers bullied me. Called me stupid in front of the class, when my anxiety was at a high. They knew about my situation. I had a year on a different school where the girls all choose me to bully, the boys had some episodes of violens. One of them had their wrist slashed right in front of me. I had the first depression at this time, which I dealt with on my own.Then I had two years in a good school, and they gave me space to deal with my anxiety and I was top of my class.

I than had a two year apprentenship with a boss who tics of every box of being a psychopat. I pushed myself so hard that I had a break down from stress, causing damage on my memory. This was the day before my final exam. I received the second highest grade, my boss was furious.

7 years then past with me dealing with stress and anxiety and trying to find work. Only had temp jobs nothing permanent. Then my sister had her concusion i that was a year and a half of peptalking and supporting her for hours every single day, whilst trying to deal with my own stuff.

But one of the hardest things is that I’ve never had a boyfriend. Something always happened, they moved away, got fired from work, droped out of school, ending things before they even started. Also never had a group of friends. I’ve been somewhat of a paria, being friendly with everyone but never had a group of my own. I only have two friends left, but they have a lot to deal with in their own life right now. Same goes for my collegues in London, I don’t hear from people anymore they are also in a stressful situation.