Hi Anita,

I apologize for the late reply, I can’t believe 3 weeks have already flown by! I’ve been very busy with work and clients especially during the pandemic and dealing with family health issues but it seems like things are stabilizing a little bit in that area so that’s good! I hope you’ve been doing well.

To reply to your questions:

1.  When I speak about “my damage”, I am referring to the issues that you and I have discussed from my past that have led to these significant blunders I make in dating. I was discussing this with a very good friend of mine and she brought up the point that I was so sheltered by my mother in my childhood (not allowed to socialize or date until I was upwards of 16 with anyone that was not family) that I am experiencing these things later in life. Such as being “boy crazy” and having crushes and things that are usually associated with behaviour of school-aged girls. It reminded me of comments you have made in the past about how I should practice engaging my inner child.

2. I’m a little torn with this one. I have two trains of thought when it comes to this. The first is that rather than it is about trying to earn or win these men back, that it is more that I value them higher/are more interested in them because of their emotional unavailability/elusiveness which feels safer to me. Safe because they are not pushing me for commitment/coming on “too strong” and therefore I do not have to face my own fears of commitment and the idea of potentially “settling”. The man that I wrote this post about was great in so many ways, but I think I simply was not ready for the commitment he was searching for (and if I’m honest, the commitment I was saying I was looking for that turned out not to be true). I notice this phenomenon because as soon as someone is showing true interest in being with me seriously romantically, I start to notice their flaws more and wonder if I can do better with someone else. However, as soon as that same person pulls away, I suddenly see them as this great catch that I took for granted and should try to get them back. But even still, once they do come back, I have the same initial reaction thinking I can do better and should not commit to them. I wonder if this has to do with the seriousness of my very first relationship (who happened to also be my very first date!) that lasted for many years and was very difficult emotionally, physically, and financially to separate. I wonder if that experience was more substantial than I have made it seem, and that I still have fear driving me to ensure that I don’t ever have to do that again.

The second train of thought that I have in regards to this issue I have, is that maybe it is simply about subconsciously pushing men away and then making it my mission to earn them back to prove my worthiness. Or, maybe it is both trains that are correct, I’m not sure. Anyway, when I am attempting to win them back, it feels very difficult and a challenge and I find this is usually when I become my “best” self in certain ways, such as physically. I’ll find that this is when I am able to lose some weight, organize my home, work on getting anxious thoughts out of my head. It seems that this period of “earning” someone back is when I actually work on improving myself and usually have success. I remember with J (who the current man I have been lamenting over reminds me of in many ways), I did this several times. I would push him away, earn him back, lose interest/wonder if there was better for me out there, push him away again, and earn him back again. However, the final instance of pushing him away was permanent and no matter what I tried to do to earn him back, it did not work as he had moved on to someone else.

I have been giving this a lot of thought over the past weeks. Especially since more and more S (the most recent man I dated in the other city) reminds me of J. Or at least the scenario, my mindset, obsession, etc. reminds me of him. With both men, the relationship moved extremely quickly, with both men they met my parameters in terms of physical “type”, with both men I became physical with them quickly due to the intensity of lust I was feeling, and with both men, I quickly began to build a fantasy in my head about a future with them. Also, both men showed emotional unavailability red flags in the beginning, showed inconsistencies in words and actions, and both men are very good at romancing women. With both men, the act of losing them and trying to earn them back was constantly on my thoughts. Even now, as I am currently in the other city for a while, I cannot stop thinking about S and wanting to reach out to him, even though I know it is not a good idea and that even if he did show interest in meeting with me, we are not compatible long term. That being said, there is a chronic frustration with his lack of contact, as just last week or so ago he mentioned wanting to meet for a drink when I was back. I know this should not matter at all and that men say whatever they want in the moment, but it bothers me that he spoke at lengths about his values being honesty, integrity, and loyalty yet does not exhibit those traits with me.

Either way, I am trying my best to process these emotions I’m feeling without it affecting my behaviour, but I still struggle to ascertain what is a good choice in actions and what isn’t. I am leaning towards not saying anything to this man and just deleting his contact and all connections on social media, but part of me feels like sending a final goodbye. I will think more about it.

Thanks again Anita so much for your continued help and support!

L